George Lawrence’s Shorts – Stand by your Dan

MApp reading

MApp took his Lincoln City side to Cambridge United last week, the scene of a catastrophic 5-1 defeat in his first season at Oxford. What happened off the pitch really shook Mr Big Guns. “We lost heavily. I asked a question [of the players] after the game that I probably shouldn’t have asked” he said “When I got the answer, it scared the life out of me.” We cannot confirm that the question MApp asked was ‘Who’s the guy wearing one flipflop and a rubber glove on his head?’ to be told chillingly “That’s Danny Hylton, boss”.

Hylting the high notes

Talking of the former Oxford hat-stand, Hylton scored his first goal in two years for Luton Town against Bristol City last week. The last minute equalising tap-in vindicated Hylton’s desire to stick with the Hatters despite a lack of gametime and interest from other clubs. “My relationship with the fans has always been great” he said “Even when I’ve been stupid and I’ve been applauded off the pitch.” Doctors report an epidemic of sore hands in the Luton area.

Atkinson’s diet

Hylton’s equaliser was against a Bristol City side featuring Rob Atkinson whose rollercoaster career, he feels, is on the up now he’s a feature in the Robins’ back-four. “Football is such an up and down game” said Rob reflectively “Losing a game is a down, getting injured is a down, the Blackpool game [at the start of the season] – that’s a down.” Rob’s endless optimism has been a real boon for City since his move in the summer.

Charles Dickiens

No such downs for Atkinson’s predecessor, sulky sixth former Rob Dickie, now he’s at university with Queen’s Park Rangers. Dickie ‘took to Instagram’ to hand in his latest essay after a dramatic 3-3 draw with Reading. In a thoughtful, well researched, study, Dickie received a C+ from his tutor after he said “Great character!! Still unbeaten, travelling fans were amazing.”

Sheriff of Nottingham

Once the darling of the media elite, Chris Wilder has now taken to exposing his dainty ankles and coquettishly fluttering his handkerchief at any job that comes available. Wilder has let it be known that he’d be interested in narrowly missing out on the vacant job at rock-bottom Nottingham Forest after it was vacated by Chris Hughton this week. 

Behind bars or twelve-bars?

Oxford United reformed hooligan, Jamal Wilson-Perry, avoided jail time for breaching the community order imposed last March for his part in some fisticuffs at the Kassam Stadium two years ago. Wilson-Perry recently lost his job as a fork lift truck driver, but the judge commended him for readying himself for a return to the job market with some Open University courses “As he’s done the ‘Discovering music: the blues’ course he’s well prepared.” said the judge mindful of the perfect storm Brexit has brought forth with a national shortage of both HGV drivers and woeful melancholic songs from the Deep South.

Cooking on Gaz

Talking of fanciful music careers, divorced-dad at a PTA fundraiser, Gareth Ainsworth was full of praise for Wycombe fans after his side escaped Kassam with a 0-0 draw. “To hear them sing was great and we’ve got a great following.” he said as a painful segue to remind everyone that he’s a singer, in a rock band, with guitars and everything, before launching into a journalist scattering rendition of Mustang Sally.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Herbie goes bananas

Henry’s hoover

Oxford United are giving themselves the best possible chance of promotion after a James Henry hat-trick beat MApp’s Lincoln City 3-1 on Saturday before they focussed onknocked out of the Papa John’s Trophy as early as possible. Former Yellows loanee Sam Smith, now at Cambridge, took sixty seconds to score two-thirds of the goals he managed for us in six months as the hosts cruised to a 4-1 victory. Gutted not gutted.

Regular movements

KRob was relieved to see the transfer window close after he thought Cameron Brannagan was Brannagone when Blackpool put in a cheeky final day bid. In the end he Brannastayed, which obviously doesn’t work. 

Having frantically tried to address the leftbacksituation, KRob suddenly remembered he had more cover than he’d ever need with injured right-back Sam Long, injured midfielder Jamie Hanson, Derek Fazackerley and club historian Martin Brodetsky all able to cover if necessary. So, that’s OK then.

It was proper name-scenes elsewhere as Herbert ‘Herbie’ Kane signed on loan from Barnsley. Kane is just twenty-two, but has a serious ‘indeterminate Eastern European with a law degree who runs an oven cleaning service for rich Brexiteers’ vibe about him. We also signed ‘youngster’ (aka future Woking loanee) Ben Davies from Fulham.

Meanwhile, we bade a final ‘Hey Yaw’ to Derek Osei Yaw who got on his Osei and left town. The departure was by mutual consent; KRob didn’t know who he was and Derek agreed.

Whyte back where he belongs

Gavin Whyte has been talking about his return to Oxford while on international duty with Northern Ireland. He revealed that he’s settling in nicely. “I’m back living in Bicester and Mark Sykes lives just a few doors away so that helps as well.” Now reunited with his old Jeward twin, it’ll be back to the neon winkle pickers and silver drainpipe trousers before you know it. 

Fos-silised

The stepover kid, Tariqe Fosu’s proposed move to Swansea City collapsed after Swans captain Matt Grimes stayed at the (now, this can’t be right can it?) Swansea.com Stadium. We know that Joey Barton is used to punching down, but you can’t punch much further down than signing Junior Brown for Bristol Rovers.

Chaptain fantastic

When he wasn’t burning his nipples on breast milk, Adam Chapman was amongst the best there was. He scored a thirty yard screamer for Grantham Town against Basford United. Chapman was ‘talismanic’ for, wait for it, The Gingerbreadmen who he joined from Gainsborough this summer.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Big Dickie energy

Hoopless

It’s not been a great week for KRob; on Saturday we went down 2-1 to Bolton Wanderers – our first defeat of the season. That was followed up with a 2-0 defeat to QPR in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup with sulky sixth former Rob Dickie handing in his homework past sensible Simon Eastwood from twenty-five yards to open the scoring.

Bread-based QPR manager Mark Warburton has clearly been reading too much GLS, “[Dickie will] keep on improving. He’s taken those lessons on board. This season for Rob is a really big one – to keep on that education and keep on learning.” Alright, you brioche bonced boss, we’ll do the school-based Rob Dickie jokes around here, thanks.

Tariqe Tofu

Oxford United Gastronomes were in raptures when the club announced that it had wrestled control of the snack bars from creepy Uncle Firoz. The Taliban-like advance, means the club has strategic control over the homity pies. Officials are now setting out to refresh the offering to fans. Future dishes include the healthy Houmousinho, Spotted Dickie and Dunkley’s Donuts and, for the traditionalists, a quarter-pounder cheese Burgess.

Little Liam

We thought we’d lost him down the back of the sofa, but it turns out that playmaker-in-your-pocket, Liam Kelly, will be playing a small role for Rochdale this season. That’s quite a climb down from when he was unveiled getting out of a helicopter at Feyenoord, which for a player of Kelly’s size, was quite a climb down in itself. Meanwhile loanee Elliot Lee has joined up with his dad Rob by signing for Charlton Athletic on loan from Luton.

Muscles memory

It’s Lincoln on Saturday and Mr Big Guns, MApp, has got a lot on his plate; and we’re not just talking protein shakes and raw eggs. “The best way I can describe it is that we have 13 senior outfield players to choose from, not many at all”. It’s a familiar feeling for MApp who remembers last season’s visit when his team was “full of Covid and injuries as well.” Nice, we’ll just slather on another layer of hand sanitiser if you don’t mind.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Crewe’s control

Let’s get physio

It’s been a good week for KRob, with two wins in two. Charlton’s pysiotherapistslashmanager Nigel Adkins was nothing if not perceptive after his side’s 2-1 defeat – “Ultimately, you’re 2-0 down and that does change the complexion of the game.” he said.

Meanwhile, superspreader Crewe manager David Artell, a man who has done more than most to promote the coronavirus pandemic around the country, was proud of his team after their 1-0 defeat. The Alex have been struck down by a sickness bug (obviously). “If we can keep on improving like we are doing then we will be fine.” he said after his team followed up last week’s defeat to Portsmouth with an better defeat to us.

Bees move-ey

Anyone following Nico Jones’ career as an Instagram influencer, will know of his dedication to manspreading in a souped up Golf GTI. It’s this can-won’t attitude that led KRob to give the defender the old heave-ho in the summer. Undeterred, Jones is following star baker Canice Carroll career trajectory by joining Brentford B, a rehabilitation scheme for wayward footballers hoping to realise their dream to reach the middle of the Vanarama North.

I don’t like Lun-days

Whether it’s Mars bars or processed pizzas, it shouldn’t be a surprise to hear that Scottish fans will batter anything. Jon Lundstram isn’t exactly winning over Rangers fans at the moment. The one-time Oxford pingdemic was hauled off against Dundee United recently and followed it up with a first half red card in the Europa League this week. Rangers fans have been tossing their cabers on Twitter with one fan saying that Lundstram can ‘suck ma bangle’ (no, us neither).

Hearts ‘burn

The Oxford United theme park being built in the Scottish Premier League gathers pace with former Oxford wunderkind Ben Woodburn joining Hearts. The deal is due to last until January, but Woodburn could stay longer as he’s hoping to get tickets for the Edinburgh derby in April.

Big Dickie energy

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie’s early season exam results are so good at QPR, he might have to delay his planned gap year growing dreadlocks and getting mugged. After scoring two goals this season, he’s been linked with a move to the Premier League. Both Leeds Leeds Leeds and Wolves are interested.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – ArmaSeddon

Sunday 18 July 2021

Ex-Everton coach, Alan Stubbs, has been waxing lyrical about what a brilliant signing John Lundstram would be for Celtic. Celtic are rebuilding after a disappointing season and could do with a player with Lundstram’s qualities. Stubbs coached him at Everton and there’s nothing he doesn’t know about the midfielder; apart from the fact he’s already signed for Rangers.

Monday 19 July 2021

Archeologists at Southend United have dug up what they believe could be the original Ryan Williams. Ricky Holmes or to use the Latin ‘maximus manus-bunus’, looks set to sign for the newly minted Conference nobodies. Holmes has been a big target for the team from Roots Hall though not as big a target as he’ll be when a 16 stone centre-back from Boredom Wood gets sight of him.

Tuesday 20 July 2021

Yesterday was Boris Johnson’s Free-DOH! Day. With masks and social distancing abandoned, Johnson is confident we’ll soon have a world-beating vaccine resistant variant in circulation. Go us! Oxford United celebrated in the best possible way; by having a couple of players test positive for Covid, and sending another nine home to self-isolate. One player who’s taken self-isolating a bit too far is Sean Clare, who promptly signed for Charlton.

Elsewhere, Hayes and Yeading kept a wide birth in our latest pre-season friendly as Matty Taylor scored about six hundred goals in a 9-0 win.

Wednesday 21 July 2021

The Covid outbreak allowed KRob to give a run-out to next season’s Papa John’s Pizza Trophy group games squad against Banbury United. A young side ran out 3-0 winners with goals from Gatlin O’Donkor, Derick Osei-Yaw and Tyler Goodrham. Goodrham’s quality finish shows that he’s ready to replace Josh Ruffels as the player whose name nobody can spell.

Thursday 22 July 2021

Sad news as former loanee Joe Riley has announced his retirement from football at the age of twenty-nine. Riley was a rare bright spot during MApp’s terrible first season at Oxford. Having spent half a season in the presence of David Hunt and Tom Newey, Riley recovered sufficiently to enjoy successful spells with Bolton, Shrewsbury and Mansfield.

Friday 23 July 2021

There are three qualities that KRob loves in a player; pace, power and alliteration. Following in the footsteps Chris Cadden and Marcus McGuane, left-back Steve Seddon has signed from Birmingham City. Meanwhile, GLS were shocked to hear that Top Man Jakey ‘right right’ Wright will be playing in the Major League Baseball next season having signed for Boston, only to find that it’s the National League North team from Lincolnshire.

Saturday 24 July 2021

Thank god for the (don’t buy the) Sun; they’ve exclusively revealed that former Oxford loanee Tyler Roberts is dating former Love Island contestant Georgia Steel. It’s early days, but judging by the photos, we’re hoping that Roberts buys Steel a nice warm jumper as a present because she doesn’t seem to own any clothes.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – EB News

Sunday 4 July 2021

After KRob picked up a briefcase of used notes from a park bench as payment for Rob Atkinson on Saturday, it looks like he might go shopping. First in his sights appears to be Cheltenham defender Will Boyle. A new signing is always exciting, but word of warning; GLS once had a willy boil, and it was quite uncomfortable.

Monday 5 July 2021

Box to boxfile player; Jose’s son, John Mousinho has signed a new two-year contract with the club. Mous, who missed most of last season with injury, has just turned 37. He’s raring to go and, despite KRob’s assurances that it won’t be necessary, is excited to use his bus pass on the team coach next season.

Tuesday 6 July 2021

Details of Rob Atkinson’s transfer to Bristol City have started to emerge; Oxford Mail report that the deal is worth upwards of £1.6m with a number of add ons including additional cash for appearances, unlimited texts and a six month subscription to Disney+.

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Chris Maguire is linking back up with MApp after signing for Lincoln City. The link up creates a deadly mutation which could wipe out everybody that stands in their way. If that’s hard to imagine, it’s like putting 60,000 people into a football stadium three times in a week when there’s a deadly virus in circulation.

Thursday 8 July 2021

You might rightly wonder what the point of GLS is; well you know what’s coming home? ‘It’s’ coming home. How does ‘It’s’ get home? By taxi. And who drives a taxi? Taxi drivers. And what website do taxi drivers read? Taxi Point, probably. They’ve just published their definitive list of footballers who became taxi drivers, a list which includes former Oxford players Trevor Aylott and Jimmy Glass. And that is why GLS exists.

Friday 9 July 2021

Sheffield Wednesday are lining up a move for QPR winger Mide Shodipo, who was on loan at Oxford last season. The Owls; named because they swallow their prey whole before regurgitating it whole in the form of a pellet, have been under a transfer embargo and are keen to get on with rebuilding after relegation. 

Saturday 10 July 2021

John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe played together for the first time since they won promotion against Wycombe in 2016, losing their pre-season friendly with Tranmere Rovers. Normally pre-season is synonymous with fresh players bronzed by three weeks in Dubai. However, due to travel restrictions, the players were looking a little more wan, Lundstram having had 2 weeks in a static caravan in Prestatyn while Roofe went to a B&B in Norfolk with intermittent wifi.

Sunday 11 July 2021

There’s nothing KRob loves more than failing to sign a Scottish Premier League full-back. This year he’s set his sights on not landing Jamie Robson from Dundee United. Robson will be replacing Josh Ruffels who joined Huddersfield Town recently. Ruffels made his debut against Harrogate Town and has stated his lofty ambitions for the season: “Trying to get in the team is the main aim for me this season.” he said.

Monday 12 July 2021

Ryan Williams has revealed one of the reasons for joining Oxford is the opportunity to travel as far away from the place as it’s possible to go. He’s keen to work his way back into the reckoning with the Australian national team.

Meanwhile, Dundee United Head Coach Tam Courts isn’t aware of any movement for Jamie Robson, but he can see why there’s interest calling Robson “easy on the eye and tenacious.” which also happens to be how GLS likes their lovers.

Tuesday 13 July 2021

Headington United’s Sam Long is excited for the new season and determined to go one step further. It’s important that he constantly looks forward and doesn’t even think about last year. “I’m aware what was last year.” he said not thinking about last year “But it’s a fresh start, we need to all forget about last year. I can’t sit back on last year’s performances. Because I played well last year, doesn’t mean I can relax this year.”

Wednesday 14 July 2021

Bristol Live have run an exhaustive profile of their new signing Rob Atkinson revealing that he is a fluent French speaker who could fully converse with Derek Osei Yaw. That is, when Osei Yaw popped into the club to check if he had any post. Apparently at Eastleigh, Atkinson was labelled the ‘Vanarama Van Dijk’, which is a bit like when we used to call Phil Trainer the ‘Conference Claudio Cannigia’, but that wasn’t a good thing.

Thursday 15 July 2021

The club announced a new shirt sponsor, EB Charging, for the upcoming season after it was announced that the Thai Tourist Authority were standing down. With covid cases souring and the government now bored of trying to control it, the former sponsors have figured out that fans are more likely to visit the Amazing NHS than Amazing Thailand this year. 

Friday 16 July 2021

Oxford United won the annual shin kicking festival against Oxford City on Friday 3-2, with a late winner from The Bookie Monster Alex Gorrin. Karl Robinson wasn’t impressed, reassuringly describing the Yellows as being ‘miles away from a good team’. The team were resplendent in their new shirts, which have received a muted response from fans who believe they’re ‘a bit plain’. Apparently fans wanted to see a Da Vinci fresco of The Battle of Anghiari on the back or something.

Oh, and in ‘you are joking me’ news; after John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe, there are strong rumours the left back with the come to bed eyebrows George Baldock is heading for the Auld Firm as well. This time Celtic are after his services.

Saturday 17 July 2021

Oxford played their second friendly in two days with a behind-closed-doors game against plucky billionaires Salford City. The game was split into three sections lasting 60, 30 and 45 minutes, playing three different teams in the process. To add to the confusion, the teams operated an innovative scoring system with Oxford winning by a four golden goats, to Salford’s half a kumquat.