George Lawrence’s Shorts: A Question of Spore

Saturday 17 October 2020

Peterborough United’s nickname is The Posh because they have an air of undeserved self-entitlement. Mind you, that didn’t stop them winning 2-0 on Saturday. Oxford were without Cameron Brannagain, who missed out due to a problem with his eyes. Concerns were raised after he was heard to say ‘I can see us keeping a clean sheet for this one’ before the game.

Sunday 18 October 2020

Alex’s son, Peterborough boss Darren Ferguson was cockahoop at his team’s display; “I always felt the team who passed the ball better would dominate.” he said from beneath the shadow of his father. Impressive foresight from a man whose team’s passes were objectively less in number and accuracy. Not a mistake his dad would have made, we’re sure.

Monday 19 October 2020

Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper, has been named Northern Ireland Footballer of the Year. Cooper is spending some time with his family after returning from international duty. He’ll be celebrating in the traditional way of filming his phallus and sharing it on social media.

Tuesday 20 October 2020

Soulless empty stadiums, people locked in their houses gazing vacantly at laptops, or what people from Milton Keynes call: ‘everyday’. MK Dons came to the Kassam conceding three goals to Matty Taylor, Headington United’s Sam Long before a proper whoop-dee-doo from Shodipo on his debut. He proper van Kessled it into the net. We also let in a standard couple of goals in reply to make it a 3-2 win.

Off the field, KRob is looking for Cowboy Derick to get on his Osei and ride out on loan to a Conference side. You see, in a team currently shipping on average two goals a game, KRob’s decided he needs to pack his squad with more strikers. It’s a positive attacking philosophy which says if they score four, we’ll just have to go out and score two consolation goals.

Wednesday 21 October 2020

Paolo DiCanio was best known as a striker, but really his preferred position was on the right wing. He was never a real facist, though, he just liked some of the songs. Ahead of Saturday’s derby, the website D3D4 has taken the time to remember the time DiCanio goose stepped his way into Oxford in an attempt to lure the wholesome James Constable to his evil lair. Which ended well.

Thursday 22 October 2020

It was the Eight Minute Eighteen Seconds Fans Forum with Jose’s son John Mousinho on Thursday. Questions turned to our defensive frailties. Mousinho defended the issue, by which we mean he lost his runner and found himself a bit square at the back. He heaped praise on Headington United’s Sam Long as the ‘best squad player in the history of the game’. Which is like being called the world’s nicest mass murderer or sexiest paedophile.

Sad news as it was announced that Chrissy Allen has left the club. To mark his long association with Oxford, he was given his very own commemorative Unipart advertising display board to run head first into in his garden.

Pyromaniac Kemar Roofe scored the goal of this and every other century while playing for Rangers in the Europa League. After beating two players deep inside his own half, he executed a perfect Leven tap-in over the keeper from 65 yards out.

Friday 23 October 2020

Good golly Miss Molly, Saturday’s derby has been postponed after a viral outbreak in the Swindon camp. The Swindon training ground was a hideous sight with people yacking their guts up, doubled over in agony with vomit coming out of their noses. All you could hear for miles around were the primal groans of great sickening anguish and screams for death’s sweet release. And then they caught coronavirus.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The Artell of the Deal

Saturday 10 October 2020

Thirty-one shots and sloppy at the rear? That’s not just a night out with GLS’ bae squad, it’s the story of our defeat to Gillingham on Saturday. Oxford suffered their third loss in four games to fatberg Steve Evans’ latest charges. Star of the show was former loanee lollipop merchant Jordan Graham who made one and scored one. 

Sunday 11 October 2020

Like some wholesome Disney film where a kid lives in a sewer and befriends a talking fatberg, Steve Evans has been chatting about his team’s win on Saturday. Evans lives in a parallel universe; for example, there was that time he lived in a world where the law didn’t apply to him. So, it’s no real surprise to hear him spaffing on about how young and inexperienced his team are compared to the multi-millionaires in the Oxford team.

Monday 12 October 2020

If you go to the KRob palatial family home, standing pride of place in the grand entrance hall is a painting. In it, KRob is stood stripped to the waist, wearing just riding boots and green corduroy jodhpurs. In one blooded hand is the carcass of a hare he’s caught with his bare hands. In the other he is gently cupping the chin of a great stag. All of this is set against the great vista of the Milton Keynes glens, you know, the ones near Hobbycraft. The painting is mesmerising and you fear taking your eyes off it. Don’t fear Project Big Picture, says KRob

Tuesday 13 October 2020

Crewe didn’t turn up to play football.

Wednesday 14 October 2020

Good ventilation is key to reducing coronavirus infections, which is why the transfer window is still open. Round the clock football website Football 24/7 claims that we were in a race to sign Wolves striker Niall, is it Niall or Niall, Ennis. Sadly Ennis has decided he can’t play in Oxford’s seventeen striker formation and so has signed for Doncaster instead.

Thursday 15 October 2020

It was the Six Minute Thirty-Eight Second Fans’ Forum with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. McWilliams was asked why Crewe didn’t turn up on Tuesday (he didn’t know), why games are kicking off at 7pm (it let’s Liam Kelly get to bed in a good time for school the next day) and The Big Picture (at least it was a plan, which is a bit like saying at least the Holocaust was a plan). Inevitably, he was asked about the stadiumsituation at which point McWilliams told Jerome to ‘fuck off’. 

(He didn’t) 

In football, Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper who’d been invited over for a sleepover with the Northern Ireland squad this week, was on the bench for their game against Norway. Which, in these days of social distancing, actually means in the stand, which is where he also pointlessly spent the last two games.

Friday 16 October 2020

We’re heading into the mouth of the revenge tiger on Saturday as we visit Peterborough. We’ll go with new loan signing QPR winger Olamide Shopido, which also happens to be the line which clinched GLS’ National Skat Singer of the Year title in 2002. ‘He’s unpredictable’ says Karl Robinson, so perhaps he’ll unpredictably play in the back-four this weekend.

Very credible Covid superspreader Crewe manager David Artell has been talking calmly about the game HIS CLUB CALLED OFF, blaming it on KRob. Artell’s argument is that his team were given the all clear (the day after the game was scheduled to be played) before calmly referencing the KGB and Stasi coming to the training ground. Dave, you OK hun?

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Crewella de Ill

Saturday 3 October 2020

Last week a person literally called DeAnne Lorraine speculated that Donald Trump catching coronavirus could be a state sponsored assassination attempt by China. This kind of wacko conspiracy theory is usually associated with people like David Icke. Now, we don’t think Icke is the son of god, that’s obviously Elliot Jackson, but we’ll always have time for a former Oxford goalie. Coronavirus is a high contagious respiratory virus particularly affecting the elderly and infirm and so we can think of no more credible reason why Crewe manager David Artell drove his team to the Kassam knowing his squad had been exposed to the virus on Saturday than he was undertaking a direct assassination attempt on Nick Harris.  

Sunday 4 October 2020

News reached us that Bristolians Ben Selfe and his three year old son Felix have created a marble run which, he says, aims to predict the outcome of the football season. It turns out that, according to the marbles rolling down a slope in a largely random fashion, we’re destined for relegation. Now, if that sounds like a lot of effort for nine seconds of enjoyment you’d be right, but the EFL have enquired about the system in preparation for any promotion and relegation calculations needed in the event of another lockdown.

Monday 5 October 2020

Hacks at the Grimsby Telegraph took a break from fish-based scoops to report that Crewe will be investigated about the assassination attempt on Nick Harris,  just 48 hours after super spreader Dave Artell said that there would be no sanctions. The ever decisive EFL have waded in and promised to bring justice just as soon as they’ve finished watching this bloke drinking cranberry juice, riding a long board, singing to Fleetwood Mac on TikTok.

Tuesday 6 October 2020

There was another edition of Tuesday Night Penalties Club as an approximation of Bristol Rovers faced an approximation of Oxford United in the EFL Trophy for a place in the, honestly, we’ve no idea. Rovers took the lead before Le Cowboy Derick jumped on his Osei shouted ‘Yea, Yaw!’, or something, and rode into town to grab a last minute equaliser. This was just minutes after Jack Stevens had saved a penalty that would have put Rovers 2-0 up. The game went to penalties, because nobody could decide who won the sausages in the meat raffle, with Cameron Brannagain, again, scoring the decisive spot kick.

Wednesday 7 October 2020

You can’t knock David Artell, as in you can’t smash him in the face with a saucepan and expect him to know what’s making his nose bleed. Having exposed his team to a potentially deadly respiratory illness, he’s shocked to find that two more players have caught a potentially deadly respiratory illness. Despite this set back, no potentially deadly respiratory illness is going to stop him still preparing his team for their game on Saturday. “I cannot see any reason [including the existence of a potentially deadly respiratory illnesses amongst those in his charge] why the game cannot take place.” he said.

Meanwhile, Zaki The Unstoppable Sense Machine has decided to step down as vice-chairman. Zaki is known for his open and level headed communication with fans and his dedication to Oxford United as both a football club and asset to the community, proving that he really isn’t cut out for a role in owning a football club.

Thursday 8 October 2020

It was the Eight Minute Fans’ Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with KRob. With it being Mental Health Awareness Day, he was supposed to be joined by Mrs KRob who is a mental health advisor. Sadly she wasn’t able to make it, therefore leaving the question ‘Is constantly asking about the stadiumsituation a sign of a mental health episode?’ unanswered. Instead, KRob answered questions about the six players at the club who have partners that are pregnant. It shows, he said, what kind of atmosphere there is around the club. A horny one? One which in a few months will debate whether they’d rather sleep with the presenter I Can Cook or Poe from the Teletubbies? Or whether or not they’d let Mr Tumble babysit their children?

Friday 9 October 2020

Oxford head to fatberg Steve Evans’ Gillingham tomorrow. Kick-off has been brought forward to 1pm in order to get the season done before Evans, who ticks every at-risk category for coronavirus, is struck down. For those who are worried, everyone is planning to stay socially distanced from the Gills manager, as they have for the last couple of decades.

Not that any of this will bother glovesman Simon Eastwood, who revealed that his interest in football is limited to what happens on the pitch. “I’m a Broadchurch kind of guy.” said Sensible Simon, a chat up line that needs a bit of polish “Or something on Channel 4.” Ooh, get him all la-di-da with his endless reruns of Come Dine With Me. What’s he going to claim next? That he reads books and knows who Keir Starmer is? Not exactly Billy Turley, is he?

George Lawrence’s Shorts: True Bromance

Saturday 26 September 2020

Oxford United are writing their own jokes for GLS after the 4-1 win over Accrington Stanley on Saturday. Before the win, the team’s bus was disabled when the alcohol based spray got into the bus’ breathalyser system rendering it a useless immovable lump; the worst Oxford bus since Steve Anthrobus.

The Yorkshire Post have found the common link between cosmopolitan sophisticat Čhrįstoøphé Wīldę and man hanging around primary school with plastic bags, Marcelo Bielsa of Leeds. Surprisingly, it’s not that they’ve both spent the last two years being furiously masturbated over by the nation’s journalists. 

Sunday 27 September 2020

John Coleman has a hot take on the key to his team’s defeat on Saturday. In a game which had more turns than Bill Turnbull eating Turnips for the Turner Prize at Turnbury, the man who gives the air of a world weary regional road haulage manager, has identified the own goal ricochet which led Oxford retaking the lead. 

Monday 28 September 2020

As we are all aware, Oxford United has always been a hotbed of African goalkeeping talent. Goal.com have really pulled the stops out to identify the five, yes, five best keepers from that continent. At number one was Bruce Grobelaar, whose career highlight, after years in the wilderness at Liverpool, was a week’s training with Oxford. At number two was Andre Arendse who wasn’t even the second best keeper at Oxford at The Manor in the early 2000s falling someway short of both Pal Lundin and Mike Ford.

Tuesday 29 September 2020

Asylum seeking Jedward orphan Mark Sykes hasn’t found the Republic of Ireland to be a land of milk and honey since he switched allegiance from the North. He had hoped to play in the Republic’s games against Slovakia, Wales and Finland. Like a lorry driver with a truck load of life saving medicines on the Kent border in January, he’s still waiting for the paperwork to go through.

Wednesday 30 September 2020

New bromantics, Matty Taylor and James Henry have revealed the complex tactical algorithm that proved so productive against Accrington on Saturday. Now, we’d recommend grabbing a pen and paper to get this down because it’s going to get a bit sciencey. “I said to him … ‘I need you to pass me the ball to score.” Taylor revealed giving an ‘I heart U’ sign to his bearded compatriot. Couple goals, amirite? 

Thursday 1 October 2020

It was the Five Minute Thirty Three Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with Cameron Brannagain. Now at the ripe age of twenty-four, the man John Mousinho calls grandad, said he felt for youngster Marcus McGuane as he finds his feet at the club. He also said he was looking forward to playing in the Swindon derby in a stadium packed to the gills with empty seats. Then mad dem Robbie Hall proved himself to be the real Archbishop of Banterbury by trolling up de Brannas bout his ping pong skillz, my bruddah. 

Friday 2 October 2020

Matty Taylor has moved to de-escalate the venomous anger of Bristol Rovers fans by talking about his reasons for moving to deadly rivals Bristol City in 2017. “I had to take away that emotion and the thoughts of fans and take it from the selfish point of view that this was going to be good for me and my family.” said Taylor. Discard the thoughts of the fans and be selfish you say? We’re pretty sure that’ll do the trick.

Elsewhere, scuttling Joe Rothwell is having an impact at Blackburn Rovers this season, but says has told the Lancashire Telegraph that he’s got to remove one last question about him; whether he’s half crab? No, he’s got to prove the manager Tony Mowbray that he’s got the defensive qualities to play in a central role (as well as prove he’s not half crab).

Worrying news from the North East, who have suffered great struggles in recent years; not only does it contain some of the most deprived areas in the country and is currently under strict lockdown, now we hear that Ian McGuckin is still in football, coaching at Bishop Auckland. Analysts say this could be the ponderous ex-Oxford defender that breaks the camel’s back.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Captain Contagious

Saturday 19 September 2020

Oxford succumbed to their second defeat of the season on Saturday, this time to doe-eyed cash puppy Stewart Donald’s Premier League giants Sunderland. The mood was lifted by the presence of a transit van full of coronavirus spores peeking over the fence end of the stadium. Oxford gifted the Mackems two goals and three points, while they gifted us six weeks on a ventilator and a couple of dead grandparents.

Sunday 20 September 2020

It seems like Ryan Ledson is coming of age after he ditched choir practice and Scouts to focus on his football career. Preston fans have been reacting to his man of the match performance against Norwich on Saturday. Surprisingly reactions didn’t include ‘Ooh, that’s a bit late.’, ‘He’ll be lucky to get away with a yellow for that.’ and ‘There’s no need to lunge in there’. 

Monday 21 September 2020

We all know how careful and considered KRob is with his public comments. He’s adamant that he’s going to hold back from publicly criticising the players after Saturday’s defeat to Sunderland. “Some of the stuff in [the second half] was atrocious – that’s as bad a performance in the second half as I’ve seen.” he said, publicly, about the players, two days ago.

Tuesday 22 September 2020

Failing to track and trace? Avoiding close contact with others? Getting paid for doing no work? Coronavirus is just a few under-hit back-passes away from being a parallel of Dwight Tiendelli’s Oxford United career. The crisis continues to cast a shadow over the game after a surge in cases in recent days. Thankfully, the country is ready to act and not do anything stupid like drive hundreds of miles to stand on a transit van. As a result, Boris Johnson has announced that he’s paused the programme to allow fans back into stadiums in October. It’s OK, Johnson is a big football fan, and a season ticket holder at Premier League London Park Rovers or something. He truly lives the wholesome values that has seen English football become the envy of the world; cheating their way to domination, cynically loading the cards in their favour and exploiting access to illicit foreign money from Russian oligarchs. 

Wednesday 23 September 2020

After a brief career as a viral social media meme, Luke Garbutt is back in football. The man that Carlo Ancelotti calls ‘who?’ is heading for the country’s chlamydia capital, Blackpool. The threat of catching a virus in Blackpool is much like any other town in the country these days, except in other towns it doesn’t involve a bucket of flaming sambuca and a candy floss seller called Doreen. 

Thursday 24 September 2020

It’s back! The Seven Minute Fans’ Forum was on the radio with Tiger. Speaking from his home in Thailand, Tiger assured fans that he’s able to fund the club as it hemorrhages money throughout the current crisis. Naturally, one fan thinks he’s got his priorities wrong and that attention should be focussed on the stadiumsituation and in particular building a fourth stand for nobody to sit in.

Friday 25 September 2020

Oxford revealed their new fancy third kit following the launch of their yellow home kit and the away kit whose official colour is known as Cynically Close to Yellow, Orange. The white shirt sees the return of the sublimated flux design that featured on last year’s home shirt. This was after there was a huge demand from fans wanting to know what a sublimated flux is. The new kit will debut on Saturday at Accrington due to the home side’s not in any way a clash with yellow, red home shirt.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Rob’s Red Redemption

Saturday 12 September 2020

GLS was quite the sports star at school. The bean bag toss was the blue riband of any Sports Day, and when we say sports day, we mean the Wednesday lunchtime before sports day. Tragedy struck one year having packed his running spikes and singlet, he found his shorts had been swapped with the frilly panties his mum wore for her trombone lesson with Mr Spencer down the road. ‘It helps when I’m blowing’, she said. 

And so it was with the glorious march to the League 1 title on Saturday as the season’s opener against Lincoln ended in a 2-0 defeat. The game saw Rob Atkinson make his debut, so the ref got him a red card to mark the occasion and let him go home early, which was nice of him. 

As with that year’s bean bag toss, maybe the title can wait until next year. 

Sunday 13 September 2020

We should have known better, anyone watching Armand Gnadulliet trying to bring a routine through ball under control at Oxford will know about how MApp is with nasty little traps. This is what he put Lincoln’s win over Oxford down to

Monday 14 September 2020

There are quite a few rare things – hen’s teeth, Steve Anthrobus goals, getting a coronavirus test in the same timezone as your house, but there are few things more rare than a rescinded red card. Rob Atkinson, The Little Tank, has had his overturned. It’s 2020, so go figure.

Tuesday 15 September 2020

Oxford faced a stern test in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup on Tuesday when they faced a Watford side  full of Premier League quality and Jerome Sinclair. Oxford took the lead when grown man Rob Hall mash up dem proper top bins in the first half. A last minute equaliser took the game to penalties, which was like an episode of Mrs Brown’s boys; a tragedy wrapped in a comedy. Hall bang dem goalie wid me brudder Marcus M n mi man Anthony Forde, resulting in a 0-3 defeat.

In other news, spellcheck’s Fiarce Kelleher has signed for Wrexham.

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Doh-eyed cash puppy Stewart Donald brings his Premier League giants Sunderland to the Kassam on Saturday. Oxford have an injury crisis according to the Sunderland Echo missing six key players. Along with Josh Ruffels, John Mousinho, Matty Taylor, Alex Gorrin and Sam Winnall is Jamie Hanson. Hanson’s key attribute being that he’s the one who makes the cheese toasties on away trips.

Thursday 17 September 2020

There was a forty-eight minute long forty-five minute special Five Minute Fans’ Forum on Thursday. In the hot seats was Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams and KRob. McWilliams furtively confirmed, that Chris Allen was still with the club, while his wife jammed some suspect bin bags into the boot of her car. He also confirmed that Creepy Uncle Firoz appears to have built the world’s first Covid secure football stadium. Then KRob answered a question about the salary cap spewing random numbers like Rachel Riley having a bad reaction to her Priti Patel vaccine.

Friday 18 September 2020

KRob is a big Oasis fan; he won’t look back in anger for anyone. Despite an injury to Josh Ruffels and John Mousinho and inexperience with Elliot Moore and The Little Tank Rob Atkinson, he’s still thinks he has a defensive Wonderwall and so isn’t bringing more cover in. Instead looking lovingly at Derby’s champagne supernova Josh Shonibare for a loan move.

The top man’s top man Jakey right right Wright has found himself a new club. The former Oxford captain has signed for Hereford. Jakey’s had a difficult couple of years after a loan move to Bolton from Sheffield United went all wrong wrong wrong last season. Jakey will go right right right into the Hereford starting line-up on Saturday.