George Lawrence’s Shorts: Crewe, Shrews, here is the news, Brandon, dribble, shot

Saturday 10 April 2021

OOOOOOHHHHHHH, OUR SIX WERE ON FIRE! Six different players scored as Oxford steamed through Crewe like a freight train on Saturday. The shock and awe included five goals in 13 minutes on their way to a record-equalling 6-0 win.

Sunday 11 April 2021

Former Oxford United CEO oil-slick Mark Ashton is set to take over the swirly leather big-boy’s chair at Ipswich Town. Ashton has spent the last four years at Bristol City, where his natural charm has seen fans really take him to their hearts. Tearful City fans have responded with comments like ‘Does he need a lift there?’ and ‘The best thing to happen this season’. 

Monday 12 April 2021

Arlesey Town have appointed Dave Kitson as their chairman. A surprising move that resulted from a recruitment company executive misreading the brief and finding someone who was ‘proper arsey’.

Meanwhile, Headington United’s Sam Long has signed a three-year contract extension. Long is having his best season at Oxford with fans Brazilifying his name to Longildinho. This is due to his widespread support of deforestation, the thong bikini he wears on the beach and the close shave he has in the pubic region.

Tuesday 13 April 2021

GLS is pretty big news in the bedroom department, but even he knows that hot rampant six should come after some sensual four-play. But it was the other way around on Tuesday as Oxford edged closer to the play-offs with a 4-1 win over Shrewsbury Town. Four different players scored meaning that Jedward orphan Mark Sykes is the only outfield player not to score in the last two games. He’s been asking himself what he’s got to do to get on the scoresheet; the answer being SHOOT GODAMMIT.

Wednesday 14 April 2021

Shrewsbury Town midfielder David Davis, so good, they nearly named him twice, has been reflecting on last night’s game. “Personally I don’t think it was a four-one scoreline’ he said of the four-one scoreline. The key, he said, was the advantage we gained by, checks notes, losing Brandon Barker to injury in the first half; “Their injury took the sting out of the game then we conceded two and made it hard for ourselves.” He’s smart that KRob, getting the upper hand by injuring one of his best players. 

Thursday 15 April 2021

It’ll be a family affair on Saturday when Oxford face fatberg Steve Evans’ Gillingham on Saturday. Ellie and Olly will pack their trunks and say goodbye to the circus as the brothers will each take a side in the big play-off shoot-out. Olly is quite the tactical whizz, knowing that Gills attending the game will give them a better chance of winning; “When we turn up, that is when we are at our best.” he said.

Friday 16 April 2021

It’s crunch time with everyone vying to promotion and play-off spots. Bettingexpert.com have taking a break from drawing young people into a life of misery and crippling debt by running their ‘super computer’, which has just been upgraded to Windows Vista, to predict how League 1 will turn out. According to their sophisticated algorithm, an Excel spreadsheet with specially coloured cells in team colours, we’re set to miss out of the play-offs and finish eighth.  

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Flat Stanley

Saturday 3 April 2021

It wasn’t such a good Friday on Good Friday, you could call it a… ‘Bad Friday’… hmm? You see, we’ve transposed the ‘Good’ with the word ‘Bad’ despite the etymological origins of Good in Good Friday being God and not good. The following day, after an alleged headbutting, sending-off and controversial winner the Sunderland Echo took time out to report on a briefly posted, then deleted, tweet from Cameron Brannagain.   

Sunday 4 April 2021

In news that sends shockwaves around the world, people are reeling to discover that KRob may have overreacted when he said the police would be called to investigate the alleged headbutt on Jack Stevens against Sunderland. ‘We won’t be proceeding with the complaint’, said the club’s official eye-roll emoji.  

Monday 5 April 2021

Accrington Stanley-knifed our play-off chances with a 2-1 win over the stuttering yellows on Monday. After a poor start and conceding an early goal, Oxford equalised through Eliot Lee before Stanley scored a 70th minute winner in a moment as bleak any time someone says ‘who are they?’ whenever the Lancashire club is mentioned.

Tuesday 6 April 2021

Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has put the record straight in the argument over whether he shouldn’t be picked for Republic of Ireland or shouldn’t be picked for Northern Ireland. ‘I’m an Irish person, I want to play for the Republic of Ireland. It’s that simple’, said the Belfast-born former Northern Ireland Under 21. Couldn’t be simpler.

Meanwhile, Oxford fans are grieving that Jack Stevens could be leaving because of what he’s achieving and Nottingham Forest fans are in pain that Marcus McGuane may begin an Oxford reign, ‘that’s insane’ was their refrain.

Wednesday 7 April 2021

Like a toddler taking himself off to the naughty step for filling his nappy, KRob’s decided that he’ll voluntarily take himself to stands next time Trevor Kettle refs a game. “Industrial language is used not just by me but by him” said KRob “Yet I’m the one who gets punished.” Which is a bit like the pot calling the Kettle ‘c**t’.

Thursday 8 April 2021

KRob was the selectah on the Radio Oxford 10 Minute 26 Second Fans Forum which, frankly, isn’t even trying anymore. He said he was more than happy to commit the time in the name of transparency. Questions were all about players. ‘Will Josh Ruffels sign a new contract?’ Maybe, said KRob transparently. ‘Are Joel Cooper and Sean Clare in his plan?’ Perhaps, he said translucently. ‘Can we sign Marcus McGuane and Brandon Barker?’ Clearly he can’t say. ‘Will Brannagain sign again? Or Jack Stevens be at the club next season?’ We’ll see, he concluded transpicuously.

Meanwhile, sensible Simon Eastwood has been reviewing his medium-risk diversified ethical ISA and decided to commit another three years to the club. Sensible Simon said it was a great deal for his family before checking his oil, rotating his tyres and driving off in his Kia Sportage.

Friday 9 April 2021

Jonjoe Kenny, who is currently on loan at Celtic, wants to end his nomadic career. The former Oxford loanee has played ten games for Celtic, losing one; or relegation form as over-indulged Bhoys fans call it. Still, after four loan spells Kenny is keen to settle. ‘Every stop I make, I make a new friend, can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.’ said the Littlest Hobo. 

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The Kettlebell-end

Saturday 27 March 2021

With no game on Saturday, the Manchester Evening News reminisced about the time Ronaldo visited Kassam in 2006, his first game in England after helping Wayne Rooney get sent off in the World Cup. The paper were shocked to report that Oxford fans didn’t seem willing to bow down in deference to the Portugese superstar booing him throughout the game. It’s almost as if they don’t care about Manchester United at all.

Sunday 28 March 2021

Tiger has moved to address the speculation surrounding a possible takeover by a consortium involving babyfaced billionaire Eric Thohir. ‘It’s speculation’ he said of the speculation.

Monday 29 March 2021

Oxford have released their accounts for 2019/20 and despite a global pandemic and the worst recession in a generation, the club have recorded a £1.5m profit. The good result has been put down to player sales and the contract the club signed with Health Secretary Matt Hancock to supply PPE to the NHS last year.

Meanwhile Jose’s son, John Mousinho has been speaking at the Sports Resolutions Conference about the links between heading the ball and dementia. Players must change their mindset, reported France 24 of Mous’s speech, ignoring the fact that a changing mindset is pretty much the one thing players are campaigning to avoid.

Tuesday 30 March 2021

Unnamed sources say Oxford are looking at Kabongo Tshimanga who is currently a Boreham Wood man, talking of Wood men, Andy Woodman has taken over at Bromley after leaving Premier League big guns Arsenal. Talking of big guns, Mr Big Guns, MApp is being lined up by Preston, but won’t be drawn on whether he’d be wilder on the Sheffield United job. Talking of wilder; Chris Wilder is being considered for the vacant role at Celtic.

Wednesday 31 March 2021

Oxford may be struggling in mid-table, but when it comes to shiny suits, top of the range BMWs and chunky gold jewelry, they are serious play-off contenders. No, Nigel Jemson isn’t back, the FA have released the amount that the club spent on agent fees in the last year. The club came fourth behind Hull City, Sunderland and Ipswich Town, spending nearly £300,000, which is a lot of Lynx aftershave. 

`Thursday 1 April 2021

Former Oxford keeper Andy Woodman has given his first interview since becoming manager of Bromley. In it, he talks about his many managerial inspirations “I’ve obviously worked with Alan Pardew for many years,” said Woodman who also spent many years working with Ian Atkins “I’ve been lucky enough to have a season with Arsene Wenger, which was brilliant.” he continued. Of course, it was only a matter of time before he would mention Ian Atkins. “I had my time with Steve McClaren, who’s a good guy to learn off.” Clearly leaving the best until last, he continued; “They’re all very good at what they do. Sam Allardyce too.”

Elsewhere, 1, 2, 3, 4… Toni Martinez has shown that anything Eddie Odhiambo-Anaclet can do, he can do better. Martinez’s Porto recently knocked Ronaldo’s Juventus out of the Champions League, it’s a long interview, so we assume he says that was an achievement only topped by equalising against Middlesborough in the FA Cup.

Friday 2 April 2021

Oxford United travelled north on Good Friday to play Trevor Kettle in Sunderland. Good Friday commemorate’s the crucifixion of Jesus Christ on the cross. Kettle is a deeply religious man who has committed his life to making bizarre decisions in the name of god or Trevor Kettle as he calls him. He ceremoniously crucified Oxford’s play-off chances allowing Jack Stevens to be assaulted in the tunnel, sending off Mark Sykes, allowing Sunderland to play on and score while Cameron Brannagan was injured on the floor and then sending off KRob for protesting about it all. Hallelujah!

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Linc’ed In

Saturday 20 March 2021

Oh we do like to be beat by the Seasiders. It was a proper donkey derby as we lost to Blackpool on Saturday. Blackpool opened the scoring in the 16th minute, which was a real Punch and Judy to the guts. They slot machined a second before half-time leaving us piering at a disappointing defeat.

Sunday 21 March 2021

Lockdown is easing in Indonesia and non-essential shops are opening, so the baby faced billionaire Erick Thohir has been down the football club shop to snap up a couple of bargains. Not only is he in the market to take over the mighty yellows, he’s also snapped up Persis Solo. Sheesh, you know you’re getting old when you remember Persis Solo’s dad playing for Tatooine Park Rangers before being frozen in carbonite by Jabba the Hutt in the seventies. 

Monday 22 March 2021

Northampton Town are Oxford’s opponents on Tuesday and manager Jon Brady has unveiled his sophisticated new strategy to get them back to being League 2’s second best team: “We want to win football matches playing to our strengths” he said scrawling maniacally on a chalkboard, underlining the words WE, WANT and STRENGTHS. Saturday’s defeat to Crewe was a blip, he said, in a season which has been pretty much blipping all the way to relegation.

Tuesday 23 March 2021   

Fans have been moaning about inconsistency – beating the lower teams and losing to the better ones. Well, we’ve nailed that particular problem now we’re consistently losing to everyone. On Tuesday night it was Northampton Town. “If you’re going into the lions’ den don’t put meat in your pocket.” summarised KRob, pulling a mouldy pork pie from a coat he last wore in a family trip to Cotswold Wildlife Park.

Wednesday 24 March 2021

Data virgins Five Thirty Eight have been pumping the algorithm to predict where we’ll finish at the end of the season. This involves millions of micro-sub calculations of every aspect of the season combined to make the most accurate prediction known to man. Having hovered between 8th and 10th all season, these superbrains are predicting we’ll finish 9th.

Thursday 25 March 2021

Matt and Jack popped up for a chat on the Six Minute Thirty-Eight Second Fan Forum on Thursday. Jack Stevens was asked for the best moment of his career so far, he opted for his debut and recent penalty saving antics, omitting the real answer: Simon Eastwood’s calamatous miss-kick in the last minute against Swindon.

Friday 26 March 2021

Good Friday came a week early as Oxford beat MApp’s misfiring big guns, Lincoln City. The Imps took the lead in the fourth minute. MAppy wasn’t happy when Matty’s arm went flappy to give the ball a tappy, Fordey looked snappy to leave Lincoln feeling crappy. Matty Taylor added a second to put Oxford on the verge of the play-offs.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Jakarta Stevens

Saturday 13 March

Oxford were meticulously dismantled 2-0 on Saturday by Hull City. It reminded GLS of his childhood catching flies and slowly dismantling them limb by limb and wing by wing. Do Hull City also keep rusted car parts in the front garden and eat cold beans from a tin?

Sunday 14 March 2021

Hull manager Grant McCann was impressed by his team’s performance yesterday. “We’ve shown a real calmness and maturity … they play in a certain way, which is difficult to play against at times” said McCann. That ‘certain way’ being the equivalent of a mad scramble when you put your foot on something wet in a children’s ball pool. Hull look in good shape for promotion; if anyone can, Grant McCann can.

Monday 15 March 2021

KRob has confirmed he doesn’t plan to commit career suicide by taking on the vacant position at Birmingham City. He still has ambition to make Oxford United one of the top 30 teams in the country – a vibe which could be described as ‘headliners on Quest, last on Match of the Day’. 

Tuesday 16 March 2021

KRob said he wants to take the handbrake off for the rest of the season, begging the question why we’ve had the handbrake on for most of this season’s journey. Surprisingly, the new philosophy didn’t plunge us into a ravine as we ran Doncaster ragged with a three goal mauling at The Kassam.

Wednesday 17 March 2021

The Doncaster press have set upon their team after their woeful performance last night. Superlatives include “reckless passes out from the back”, “gave the ball away a lot”, “really sloppy with possession” “shut out too easily [and] slow to find space”. We think this was an unfair assessment, they weren’t that good.

Thursday 18 March 2021

The appliance of sports science, that’s the KRob way. Rotating his squad has been the key to a return to form in recent weeks. “Something we did on Saturday might not impact the team until next weekend.” said KRob sounding like your gran when she’s trying to describe her last proper bowel movement “Something we did two weeks ago might have had an impact on Tuesday.”

Friday 19 March 2021

Rumours are swirling around that the club is about to be taken over by an Indonesian consortium. Any foreign ownership brings fears of reputation washing, money laundering and illicit betting scams, but Oxford are big news in Indonesia. People still talk of the Rob Duffy Riots in Jarkarta after the 2007 Conference Play-Off failure and it’s a little known fact that Tom Newey and David Hunt are now the Indonesian equivalent of Ant and Dec. “Saya seorang selebriti, keluarkan saya dari sini!!!” as they say.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Mad Dog and Englishmen

Saturday 6 March 2021

Saturday’s 0-0 draw with Charlton Athletic, and a spectacular large minute penalty save from Jack Stevens, was overshadowed by the news in the morning that Mad Dog Micky Lewis had passed away after a short illness. Now, when it rains on the Kassam, it’s just a sign that Micky’s got his cones out for some fast feet warm ups with the gods. 

Sunday 7 March 2021

Charlton manager Lee Bowyer had to phone striker Ronnie Schwarz after his penalty miss on Saturday. Schwarz is in a tricky situation with his pregnant partner stuck back home in Denmark. In that situation, we can think of nothing we’d want more than having Lee Bowyer phoning you on your day off disturbing another interview with Olly Murs on Sunday Brunch. “I would have rather he scored – but he didn’t.” said the Charlton boss, which is pretty deep for Bowyer. 

Monday 8 March 2021

It’s derby day tomorrow and sWInDon TwOn have held a press conference. At least we think so, it was conducted all in grunts and whistles. We can’t work out whether manager John Sheridan is in a hostage situation or been replaced by a smart speaker. “Once the players go over the white line, it’s about who wants it more.” he said while playing Candy Crush on his phone “There’s no point predicting who we will beat either. We just have to take it one game at a time.” Thanks Alexa, what will the weather be like tomorrow?

Tuesday 9 March 2021

Earth is healing; having saved the world with a vaccine, Oxford condemned the devil with a 2-1 win at The County Ground on Tuesday. The Super Yellows scored twice from Brandon Barker and Dan Agyei either side of another penalty save from Jack Stevens. In the last minute oNIonS dROWn got a consolation from Taylor Curran, who plays because his dad pays the wages at the County Ground. We’re pretty sure we saw this on an episode of Jim’ll Fix It in the 80s.

It’s a proper Oxford-a-thon at Wigan Athletic, as former owners Ian Lenagan and Daryl Eales have assembled to try and secure the future of the stricken club. Phil Trainer and George Waring have been alerted.

Wednesday 10 March 2021

WInDowS NoWt have now banned their local paper from asking questions at press conferences after a heated post-match interview with assistant manager Tommy Wright. They’re not allowed to ask why one of their players is playing because his dad pays the wages, why that player and another substitute were fighting at half-time in a recent game, why their manager is attacking the press for asking questions, why their assistant manager is still in a job despite being convicted of football related bribery or why the owner accidentally sold the club to Gareth Barry (or didn’t).

Elsewhere, Andy Crozzer Crosby has been added to the coaching staff at Port Vale. Dave Savage has been alerted.

Thursday 11 March 2021

Mr Big Guns might be losing his big guns. We’re not talking about MApp finally retiring his 40kgs and covering the tats with more tats. He’s got a number of players in line for international call-ups, just in time for Lincoln’s set-to with Oxford at Kassam on the 26th. Brennan Johnson, Regan Poole, Anthony Scully and Sean Rogan may all get call-ups giving Lincoln the opportunity to postpone the game.

Friday 12 March 2021

Premier League sophisticat Čhrįßtœphë Wìłdê may have smoked his last Galois cigarette, listened to his last Édith Piaf vinyl record and delivered his last umlaut. Having spent £50m, steered Sheffield United to the bottom of the table and fallen out with The Blades’ owner he looks set to call it a day at Bramall Lane. Formal announcements have been delayed to allow Wìłdê to negotiate a settlement package which will keep him in kestrals for the rest of his life.