George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – ArmaSeddon

Sunday 18 July 2021

Ex-Everton coach, Alan Stubbs, has been waxing lyrical about what a brilliant signing John Lundstram would be for Celtic. Celtic are rebuilding after a disappointing season and could do with a player with Lundstram’s qualities. Stubbs coached him at Everton and there’s nothing he doesn’t know about the midfielder; apart from the fact he’s already signed for Rangers.

Monday 19 July 2021

Archeologists at Southend United have dug up what they believe could be the original Ryan Williams. Ricky Holmes or to use the Latin ‘maximus manus-bunus’, looks set to sign for the newly minted Conference nobodies. Holmes has been a big target for the team from Roots Hall though not as big a target as he’ll be when a 16 stone centre-back from Boredom Wood gets sight of him.

Tuesday 20 July 2021

Yesterday was Boris Johnson’s Free-DOH! Day. With masks and social distancing abandoned, Johnson is confident we’ll soon have a world-beating vaccine resistant variant in circulation. Go us! Oxford United celebrated in the best possible way; by having a couple of players test positive for Covid, and sending another nine home to self-isolate. One player who’s taken self-isolating a bit too far is Sean Clare, who promptly signed for Charlton.

Elsewhere, Hayes and Yeading kept a wide birth in our latest pre-season friendly as Matty Taylor scored about six hundred goals in a 9-0 win.

Wednesday 21 July 2021

The Covid outbreak allowed KRob to give a run-out to next season’s Papa John’s Pizza Trophy group games squad against Banbury United. A young side ran out 3-0 winners with goals from Gatlin O’Donkor, Derick Osei-Yaw and Tyler Goodrham. Goodrham’s quality finish shows that he’s ready to replace Josh Ruffels as the player whose name nobody can spell.

Thursday 22 July 2021

Sad news as former loanee Joe Riley has announced his retirement from football at the age of twenty-nine. Riley was a rare bright spot during MApp’s terrible first season at Oxford. Having spent half a season in the presence of David Hunt and Tom Newey, Riley recovered sufficiently to enjoy successful spells with Bolton, Shrewsbury and Mansfield.

Friday 23 July 2021

There are three qualities that KRob loves in a player; pace, power and alliteration. Following in the footsteps Chris Cadden and Marcus McGuane, left-back Steve Seddon has signed from Birmingham City. Meanwhile, GLS were shocked to hear that Top Man Jakey ‘right right’ Wright will be playing in the Major League Baseball next season having signed for Boston, only to find that it’s the National League North team from Lincolnshire.

Saturday 24 July 2021

Thank god for the (don’t buy the) Sun; they’ve exclusively revealed that former Oxford loanee Tyler Roberts is dating former Love Island contestant Georgia Steel. It’s early days, but judging by the photos, we’re hoping that Roberts buys Steel a nice warm jumper as a present because she doesn’t seem to own any clothes.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – EB News

Sunday 4 July 2021

After KRob picked up a briefcase of used notes from a park bench as payment for Rob Atkinson on Saturday, it looks like he might go shopping. First in his sights appears to be Cheltenham defender Will Boyle. A new signing is always exciting, but word of warning; GLS once had a willy boil, and it was quite uncomfortable.

Monday 5 July 2021

Box to boxfile player; Jose’s son, John Mousinho has signed a new two-year contract with the club. Mous, who missed most of last season with injury, has just turned 37. He’s raring to go and, despite KRob’s assurances that it won’t be necessary, is excited to use his bus pass on the team coach next season.

Tuesday 6 July 2021

Details of Rob Atkinson’s transfer to Bristol City have started to emerge; Oxford Mail report that the deal is worth upwards of £1.6m with a number of add ons including additional cash for appearances, unlimited texts and a six month subscription to Disney+.

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Chris Maguire is linking back up with MApp after signing for Lincoln City. The link up creates a deadly mutation which could wipe out everybody that stands in their way. If that’s hard to imagine, it’s like putting 60,000 people into a football stadium three times in a week when there’s a deadly virus in circulation.

Thursday 8 July 2021

You might rightly wonder what the point of GLS is; well you know what’s coming home? ‘It’s’ coming home. How does ‘It’s’ get home? By taxi. And who drives a taxi? Taxi drivers. And what website do taxi drivers read? Taxi Point, probably. They’ve just published their definitive list of footballers who became taxi drivers, a list which includes former Oxford players Trevor Aylott and Jimmy Glass. And that is why GLS exists.

Friday 9 July 2021

Sheffield Wednesday are lining up a move for QPR winger Mide Shodipo, who was on loan at Oxford last season. The Owls; named because they swallow their prey whole before regurgitating it whole in the form of a pellet, have been under a transfer embargo and are keen to get on with rebuilding after relegation. 

Saturday 10 July 2021

John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe played together for the first time since they won promotion against Wycombe in 2016, losing their pre-season friendly with Tranmere Rovers. Normally pre-season is synonymous with fresh players bronzed by three weeks in Dubai. However, due to travel restrictions, the players were looking a little more wan, Lundstram having had 2 weeks in a static caravan in Prestatyn while Roofe went to a B&B in Norfolk with intermittent wifi.

Sunday 11 July 2021

There’s nothing KRob loves more than failing to sign a Scottish Premier League full-back. This year he’s set his sights on not landing Jamie Robson from Dundee United. Robson will be replacing Josh Ruffels who joined Huddersfield Town recently. Ruffels made his debut against Harrogate Town and has stated his lofty ambitions for the season: “Trying to get in the team is the main aim for me this season.” he said.

Monday 12 July 2021

Ryan Williams has revealed one of the reasons for joining Oxford is the opportunity to travel as far away from the place as it’s possible to go. He’s keen to work his way back into the reckoning with the Australian national team.

Meanwhile, Dundee United Head Coach Tam Courts isn’t aware of any movement for Jamie Robson, but he can see why there’s interest calling Robson “easy on the eye and tenacious.” which also happens to be how GLS likes their lovers.

Tuesday 13 July 2021

Headington United’s Sam Long is excited for the new season and determined to go one step further. It’s important that he constantly looks forward and doesn’t even think about last year. “I’m aware what was last year.” he said not thinking about last year “But it’s a fresh start, we need to all forget about last year. I can’t sit back on last year’s performances. Because I played well last year, doesn’t mean I can relax this year.”

Wednesday 14 July 2021

Bristol Live have run an exhaustive profile of their new signing Rob Atkinson revealing that he is a fluent French speaker who could fully converse with Derek Osei Yaw. That is, when Osei Yaw popped into the club to check if he had any post. Apparently at Eastleigh, Atkinson was labelled the ‘Vanarama Van Dijk’, which is a bit like when we used to call Phil Trainer the ‘Conference Claudio Cannigia’, but that wasn’t a good thing.

Thursday 15 July 2021

The club announced a new shirt sponsor, EB Charging, for the upcoming season after it was announced that the Thai Tourist Authority were standing down. With covid cases souring and the government now bored of trying to control it, the former sponsors have figured out that fans are more likely to visit the Amazing NHS than Amazing Thailand this year. 

Friday 16 July 2021

Oxford United won the annual shin kicking festival against Oxford City on Friday 3-2, with a late winner from The Bookie Monster Alex Gorrin. Karl Robinson wasn’t impressed, reassuringly describing the Yellows as being ‘miles away from a good team’. The team were resplendent in their new shirts, which have received a muted response from fans who believe they’re ‘a bit plain’. Apparently fans wanted to see a Da Vinci fresco of The Battle of Anghiari on the back or something.

Oh, and in ‘you are joking me’ news; after John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe, there are strong rumours the left back with the come to bed eyebrows George Baldock is heading for the Auld Firm as well. This time Celtic are after his services.

Saturday 17 July 2021

Oxford played their second friendly in two days with a behind-closed-doors game against plucky billionaires Salford City. The game was split into three sections lasting 60, 30 and 45 minutes, playing three different teams in the process. To add to the confusion, the teams operated an innovative scoring system with Oxford winning by a four golden goats, to Salford’s half a kumquat.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Bodin and Whyte Stuff

Sunday 27 June 2021

There’s nothing we don’t know about ex-Oxford coach Des Buckingham, apart from who he is, of course. He’s got the same no-news day vibe that compelled GLS to follow Jonte Smith’s Bermudan international career so closely a couple of years ago. Anyway, it turns out that Buckingham has won the A-League Grand Final with Melbourne City, which we’re guessing is some sort of newfangled esports competition. 

Monday 28 June 2021

Having flirted with the cosmopolitan continental sophistication synonymous with roll-neck jumpers, Galois cigarettes and troubling relationships with a teenage muses, it seems Chris Wilder is gradually returning to what the 1950s coffee houses of Budapest labelled the school of ‘szükséges pragmatizmus’ or necessary pragmatism. Rumours are that Wilder may be ‘not getting too far ahead of ourselves’ and building a group of honest lads at Barnsley.

Tuesday 29 June 2021

The summer ain’t the summer without KRob failing to land a Scottish defender. Rumours are that he’s interested in missing out on the signing of St Johnstone captain Jason Kerr, who last season became the first player for forty years, outside the auld firm, to lift both the Scottish League and FA Cup without being arrested on suspicion of theft.

Wednesday 30 June 2021

Billy Bodin has signed a one-year deal following his release from Preston North End. The signing is a bit of a surprise, not least to KRob who was offered a Bodin deal and thought he was getting a 20% discount voucher for bland over-priced middle class mail order clothes.

Thursday 1 July 2021

They said it couldn’t be done; but the club have managed to fit Leon Chambers-Parillon’s name onto the back of his shirt. They’ve been quick to capitalise on that by tying him up to a one-year extension to his contract

Friday 2 July 2021

Having planned a warm-weather training camp in Spain; travel restrictions have meant that the club have had to scale back and are now heading for a changeable weather training camp in Bournemouth. KRob will be staying in Derek Fazackerley’s caravan while the squad are all bringing their tents so they can finish their Duke of Edinburgh bronze awards. The club are hoping to line up a couple of friendlies against the kids playing World Cup Willy on the rutted grassless football pitch next to where the teenagers get smashed on cider. 

Saturday 3 July 2021

When Bill Gates started Microsoft, his goal was to have a PC on every desk and to kill millions of children in the third world with bogus vaccines, obviously. It’s this ambition that inspired Oxford to try and sell a centre-back to every mid-ranking club in the Championship. It comes around so quickly, but the Sell A Centre-Back festival was held on Saturday after Rob Atkinson became a Robin reliant and signed for Bristol City. After it was announced, Atkinson was photographed looking bemused while wearing so many different City tracksuits he could be playing in the unfamiliar role of club shop mannequin next season. 

Elsewhere, the only news that’s more frequent than the government sleep walking into another coronavirus wave; a man on Twitter claims that KRob is interested in bringing Gavin Whyte back to the club.

And, in a bald move, former Oxford skipper Adam Murray has become assistant coach at West Brom.

If you have done already, there’s still time to complete Oxblogger’s Absolute State of Oxford United Survey for 2021.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – KRob holds the Purse strings

Sunday 20 June 2021

Celtic’s interest in Rob Atkinson may push Bristol City to part with £1.6million to land the defender. Atkinson appears to be central to manager Nigel Pearson’s plans to build from the back “I’d like two centre-backs, I’d like two centre midfield players and I’d like somebody to stick the ball in the back of the net.” he said “If you look at it like that, that’s five players”. And if you do look a it like that, then you’ve got to say Nigel Pearson’s really good at counting.  

Monday 21 June 2021

The annual Oxford shin kicking competition returns this year as Oxford United have announced they will face Oxford City in a friendly on the 16th July. Like May Day celebrations, this is an ancient Oxford tradition where Oxford United youth team rejects put on blue and white hooped shirts and try to rupture the ligaments of their old club’s newest signings.

Tuesday 22 June 2021

Middlesborough, fresh from appointing Oxford’s former head of star jumps Chris Short, have announced a link up with Martin Gray’s Football Academy. This is like the board game Billy Hamilton’s Football Academy, except whatever number you roll on the dice, you move your piece sideways. Since leaving Oxford, Gray has built a reputation for developing a generation of crab-like kids able to withstanding howling wails of frustration from up to 7,000 fans at a time. 

Wednesday 23 June 2021

There’s a bit of a stand-off in Bristol City’s pursuit of Rob Atkinson. City have submitted a substantial bid for the defender, but KRob is holding out for more. £1.6m is such a lot of money it’s a difficult to imagine, to make it easier for us all; that’s nearly £400,000 plus add ons when he eventually signs.

Thursday 24 June 2021

It was Fixtures Release Day on Thursday, which, like Freedom Day, is a lazy media confection designed to have dimwits frothing at the mouth. In the Type 2 Diabetes Cup we were been away at Flimsy Droid Bastilletank’s, Burton Albion. There was all the excitement of a thin crust margarita in the Papa John’s when we drawn in a group with Tottenham’s Muppet Babies, Stevenage and Cambridge and in the league there was the startling news that we were drawn against everyone twice starting punting off at Cambridge United on the 7th August.

Friday 25 June 2021

We can barely bring ourselves to look, but there’s been a bit of an interesting shuffling in the back room. And we’re not just talking about Matt Hancock’s hand on Gina Coladangelo’s backside. Leon Blackmore-Such has been promoted to head of pointing and manly pre-match handshakes, becoming KRob’s new first team coach. Meanwhile, Darren Purse takes over the Under 19s to give them the benefit of all his experience of getting on the lash at DTMs and Park End.

Saturday 26 June 2021

The Daily Record is counting the days until John Lundstram’s contract at Sheffield United ends at the end of the month. They think Stevie G won’t let it slip now and will win the race for Lunny’s signature. If he does sign, Lundstram will join Kemar Roofe at Ibrox, as Gerrard meticulously recreates Oxford’s 2016 promotion winning team. Joe Skarz is readying himself for a call; Gerrard’s heard that he’s the best defender in the land.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Stand by your Mans

Sunday 13 June 2021

It’s the Euros! As the country gets behind their favourite millionaire Marxists, kneeling to promote the interplay between controlling the means of production and the inequalities in a conceptual societal superstructure (are we absolutely sure about this?), Plymouth manager Ryan Lowe has revealed that League 1 is turning into a global brand with a prestige friendly against Oxford in Spain this summer; it’s ‘El Clasico Soporifico’. 

Monday 14 June 2021

West Brom’s interminable search for a former Oxford United manager continues. Having turned down Chris Wilder, they’ve overlooked Brian Talbot to focus on MApp. But, Mr Big Guns apparently isn’t interested, he wants to focus on the project he’s started at Lincoln – an Airfix Lancaster Bomber.

Tuesday 15 June 2021

There’s nothing GLS loves more than an ex-Oxford hot take. Last year Danny Rose dismissed 200 years of vaccine research because he personally doesn’t understand it (but buy Herbalife, btw). This week it was Lewis Haldane who doesn’t think it’s right that women commentate on Mans [sic] football. We much prefer Haldane’s analysis, which has previously included ‘Banggggg klichhyyyyyy babbyyyy’ and ‘Stuuuueeeyyyyyy bang bang bang. Here we gooooo’ and ‘Bammmmmmmyyyyy wham bammmmm’.

Wednesday 16 June 2021

In a move that screams ‘CLOSE SEASON CONTENT VACUUM’ the forensically analytical Blackpool Gazette have worked out what would happen to the League 1 table if, and let us check our notes here, only goals from non-English players were allowed to stand last season. So, with a strike force of Anthony Forde, Alex Gorrin, Derrick Osei Yaw, Mide Shodipo and Mark Sykes, guess what? We wouldn’t have done so good, finishing 18th.

Thursday 17 June 2021

8.57am Breaking News: Lewis Haldane is announced as playing in a charity game this summer.

In what is turning into what we call in GLS world, an ‘I wonder what Samir Carruthers is doing’ week, Birmingham Live have been wondering what Samir Carruthers is doing. The self-styled ‘idiot who urinated in a pint glass’ is now at Hemel Hempstead.

10.17am Breaking News: Lewis Haldane is no longer playing in a charity game this summer.

Friday 18 June 2021

James Constable has been talking about the difficult switch from football to being a regular Joe. Constable left Banbury last year to focus on his new job. ‘My boss has to keep reminding me I can take days off.’ he said. He’s also been told that he doesn’t need to track back to cover Carl from finance when he gets a coffee and that Janet in HR doesn’t like it when he shouts ‘OUR BALL, LINO’ when she picks up his photocopying.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Golly Josh

Sunday 8 June 2021

In the same way that you’re never more than six feet from a rat, KRob is never more than three months from signing a winger.  The first of four (only four?) he plans to bring into the club over the summer is on the verge of signing. And it could be the return of one of the great man-buns; Ryan Williams who has turned down a new contract at Portsmouth. 

Monday 9 June 2021

Lincoln City have confirmed they’ve received no communication from West Brom about MApp taking over at the Hawthorns. Odds-on favourite to take over the vacant role, MApp’s staying poker faced, or possibly orgasmically happy, or maybe incandescent with rage, frankly how can you possibly tell? 

Tuesday 10 June 2021

The people of Huddersfield haven’t been this excited since their industrial revolution in 1987. Yorkshire Live have gathered quotes from all Josh Ruffels’ previous Oxford managers. KRob called him a diamond, MApp said he has a fantastic attitude and Gary Waddock’s said he once passed him some tea bags in the staff canteen.

Wednesday 11 June 2021

He runs, scores for fun and persists with a man bun; Ryan Williams has become Oxford’s first signing of the summer after turning down a new contract at Portsmouth. It’s Williams’ second stint having played on loan in 2013. When he arrived for his medical he asked where Tom Newey, Sean Rigg and David Hunt were, when he was told they’d left, he signed immediately.

Thursday 12 June 2021

After over 300 games and 8 years at the club, Josh Ruffels has finally signed for Huddersfield Town fulfilling his lifelong dream to play in the Championship relegation zone. Ruffles leaves behind many great memories; Wembley, derby wins, promotion and giant killings, we will never forget his name, even if half of us can’t spell it.

Friday 13 June 2021

Podcasts, they’re everywhere aren’t they? Nearly everywhere, it seems. In the immediate aftermath of Josh Ruffels’ move to Huddersfield Town, the ever progressive Yorkshire Live have helped Terriers Fans, who are not scheduled to get podcasts until 2031, by copying out a transcript of T’Manor’s brief chat about Ruffels’ move.  

Saturday 14 June 2021

Former Oxford United head PE teacher Chris Short has joined Middlesborough, which is much closer to his home in York. KRob has been glowing in his tribute to short “Amazing man, brilliant at his job and someone who people warm to straight away.” Not an accusation that you can level at Short’s new boss Neil Warnock.

Why not take part in the Absolute State of Oxford United Survey 2021 – rate the club, management and players, and predict what’ll happen next season.