George Lawrence’s Shorts: Right-back to winging ways

Saturday 9 January 2020

TV executives say that programmes are just the things you put between adverts, not the other way around. Well, for KRob, football matches are just the things you put between efforts to try and replace Headington United’s Sam Long. The Daily Mail reports that right-back Tunmise Sobowale, currently on trial at Salford, is generating some interest.

Sunday 10 January 2020

Ha Ha, let’s all laugh at Leeds United, trounced 3-0 in the FA Cup by League 2 little Crawley Town. What a humiliation, I mean 3-0, that’s, like a thrashing. I can’t remember the last time it happened, I mean you wouldn’t be able to show you face in public would you? Who was the last top-flight team to get beaten by a League 2 team 3-0? Oh, it’s us.

Monday 11 January 2020

Steven Gerrard might need to re-think his quest to create McOxford at Rangers. Football Fan Cast, described Gers’ target, John Lundstram as a ‘total liability’ in Sheffield United’s FA Cup tie on Saturday after he lost control of the ball on fourteen occasions before being hooked by Premier League sophisticat, Ćhrįštœphe Wįldê

Tuesday 12 January 2020

It was all la-di-da with a sweet potato, pine nut and goat’s cheese on sour dough base Papa John’s pizza Trophy tie against fellow toffs, Cambridge United on Tuesday. In the end Rob Hall bang dem top binz, bruh to give us a 1-0 win. Before the game, KRob revealed he’s finally got round to clearing out the kitchen draw which contains old batteries, pieces of string and spare right-backs with Sean Clare heading to Burton on loan to provide a regular supply of consolation tap-ins to Kane Hemmings.

Wednesday 13 January 2020

KRob’s been reflecting on last night’s win, pinpointing a quadruple substitution that injected life into the team as a key turning point. He saw a marked improvement once Marcus McGuane, Liam Kelly, Mide Shodipo and Derick Osei came on. “That’s not because they’re any better” said KRob “It’s purely because they’re fitter and more game-ready.” Or, in other words, ‘better’.

Thursday 14 January 2020

GLS never cooks when his mum’s around; as soon as she sees what he’s making, she starts adding more salt, turning the heat down, stirring and generally taking over. KRob’s much the same when it comes to other teams signing wingers. Apparently Rangers are interested in Aberdeen’s Scott Wright, but who’s that putting on his pinny wanting to get involved? Is that you Mr Robinson?

Meanwhile KRob’s favourite helicopter pilot Gavin Whyte is wanging his way to Hull City on loan from Cardiff. He’s hoping to become the cock of the north. He’s not sure who takes free-kicks, but he’s interested in showing what he’s got when it comes to his pen(i)s.

Friday 15 January 2020

Scientists are concerned about a new virus infecting the UK; KRob’s ex-wingers are re-spawning all over the place. After Gavin Whyte, now Cowboy Chris Cadden has hooked up his wagon and moseyed on over to Hibs after leaving Columbus Crew.

It’s a relatively local clash tomorrow at Northampton Town, but don’t expect passions to run high. After a series of Covid related postponements, the EFL have warned players about hugging each other during goal celebrations. Even Henry James’ James Henry can’t help himself when he’s scored. “You’re almost not thinking, it’s not that you’re actively making a decision to break the rules.” said a man so sensible, he once turned himself into the police when he forgot to pay for a new plastic bag he used at Waitrose self-scan.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Brewer’s droop

Saturday 2 January 2021

Burton were thrashed on Saturday as Oxford ran riot in a 5-1 win. Matty Taylor opened the scoring before Mide Shodipo and Josh Ruffels both grabbed a brace. Burton, who were feeble throughout, scored just before half-time after a deflection allowed The Consolation Kid Kane Hemmings to tap home. 

Sunday 3 January 2021

New Burton manager, Jimmy Flloyd Hasselbank, has pinpointed what went wrong yesterday; their defence, attack, midfield, shape, commitment, fitness, organisation… “That was missing a bit and Oxford picked us apart” said the Dutchman with admirable understatement “(Even) while they were not even playing that well.” he added. Because nothing shows a team playing not playing ‘that well’ than a 5-1 away win.

Monday 4 January 2021

Hello? (hello?, hello?, hello?) What’s causing that echo? Why, it’s the empty heads of the two Oxford youth team players caught going to a New Year party breaking CoVid rules. The Athletic report that both have been suspended with KRob threatening to have them sacked. Fans commenting on the article have responded calmly, Bradley B, whose clearly never been managed by Malcolm Shotton, honked “This is the world we live in now. An authoritarian nightmare under the guise of protection.” while Matthew H was as misguided as Agon Mehmeti in front of an open goal, squawking “It kills 0.04% of people. Seriously dangerous s***” – a statistic so spectacularly wrong (by a factor of at least fifteen) it’s almost as if epidemiological studies should be left to professionals.

Tuesday 5 January 2021

On Tuesday, eighty-two year old Oxford United fan Brian Pinker became the first person in the world to receive the Oxford vaccine. When asked why he was so keen to be at the head of the queue Mr Pinker said; ‘I’m born and bred in Oxford, the vaccine’s been developed in Oxford, and I want to live long enough to find out why James Henry didn’t shoot.’ Other fans were excited to receive the vaccine, but apparently it’s only available to the 1893 Club members.

Wednesday 6 January 2021 

Imagine having such a sense of self-importance you think you have the right to subvert the norms and conventions of society to get what you want. Imagine, believing that those in power are conspiring against you. Imagine using modern media to over-inflate your status causing thousands of clueless buffoons to follow your lead. Imagine being led by a band of 80s corporate rejects with no plan. Did those storming the Capitol building in Washington learn nothing from Sunderland? Oxford target, Luke Thomas, looks set to put on his horned hat and bear skin and take up the cause at the Stadium of Light

Thursday 7 January 2021

It was the Eight Minute Twenty-Two Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with Tiger. As well as talking about the viability of the club, keeping Mide Shodipo and Marcus McGuane and extending Josh Ruffels’ contract, Tiger spoke about life in Thailand and their growing concern of having 500 cases a day, proving the UK is truly world beating with 68,000 daily cases. 

Friday 8 January 2021

There’s no game this weekend, which has given KRob to consider the future. He’s threatening to resign again, sorry, he’s threatening to re-sign again. Following talk of Cowboy Chris Cadden and Marcus Browne, now there’s rumour that Nathan Holland is on the watch list for a return in January

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Wam! Bam! Thank you, Sam

Saturday 26 December 2020

Like GLS’ approach to sharing a tub of Celebrations, Oxford left with the bounty against Wimbledon after a 2-0 win on Boxing Day. Despite goals from Matty Taylor and Jordan Obita, star of the show was goalkeeper Jack Stevens who made a string of saves to prevent The Dons from getting back into the game. We haven’t seen reactions like that since the time GLS’ mum opened a crotchless pearl thong from his dad in front of nan one Christmas. 

Sunday 27 December 2020

Poor old Glyn Hodges is bemused by his team’s inability to score against Oxford yesterday. After creating a host of chances, they left with nothing. Hodges is looking on the bright side; “we created a lot of chances against a side, for me, that were the best in this division by a country mile…” he said causing us to beam with pride “…last season.” he added. Oh.

Monday 28 December 2020

GLS has found his best gold lame jacket and slicked down his combover with half a tub of brylcreem because it’s time to announce… CoVid Postponement Of The Week. Yes, our game against Doncaster Rovers has been postponed on 5th January. The game is expected to be rescheduled for 63rd Jantembuary 2028. 

Meanwhile Cowboy Chris Cadden could be about to mount his trusty steed and head back to the old country after it was revealed Columbus Crew may seek to off load him. Both Oxford and Hibs are said to be interested.

Tuesday 29 December 2020

Headington United’s Sam Long was the star of the show on Tuesday night scoring a wonder goal at Plymouth Argyle in a 3-2 win. Long burst out of his own half, exchanged passes with Daryl Clare and slotted home having run some 60 yards to score. Some didn’t think Long had it in his legs, but he’s been doing double shifts down at the Headington quarry in between games. 

Wednesday 30 December 2020

If Boris Johnson styles himself as the pandemic’s Winston Churchill, then KRob is becoming its Vera Lynn. The nation’s sweetheart has been on Radio 4’s Today Programme (woo! Get you) complaining that the lower leagues have got sloppy with their CoVid testing regimes. He then prepared himself to sing a rousing chorus of The White Cliffs of Dover, but there suddenly wasn’t time.

Elsewhere, it’s been revealed that Oxford were the 8th best team in League 1 in 2020, GLS has been pouring over the stats trying to glean some meaning from that fact, to which there’s none.

Thursday 31 December 2020

Rangers manager Steven Gerrard’s quest to create McOxford at Ibrox could be about to take a step closer. John Lundstram may be set for a move after turning down a new contract at Sheffield United. No less an authority on all things John Lundstram-related – yes, Gabi Agbonlahor – has said he’d jump at the chance. Next week: why George Waring holds the key to Auld Firm dominance by Lee Cattemole.

Friday 1 January 2021

Oxford visit Burton Albion tomorrow looking to make it four wins in a row. The Brewers haven’t had a permanent manager since the departure of Nigel Clough in the summer. Burton’s taste in managers is like a two-year old fussy eater who will only eat pasta or chips for tea as Jimmy Flloyd Hasselbaink returns for his 227th stint in charge.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Tariff Fosu

Saturday 19 December 2020

There was no game on Saturday after Bristol Rovers had an outbreak of Covid. Dan Agyei is pretty chill about it all ‘That’s football’ he said, of a situation which is objectively not football.

Monday 21 December 2020

KRob’s hoping he might get his broken toys back from the menders soon as Cameron Brannagain came through an in-house friendly this week. Sam Winnall, who got injured coming back from injury against Crewe, could be on the verge of a return to the subs bench soon.

Tuesday 22 December 2020

While the world’s leading epidemiologists, virologists, vaccinologists battle to gain control over a rampant deadly pandemic sometimes the world just has to stop and listen. Yes, no more weighty medical authority than Ipswich Town’s head physio is calling for a circuit breaker in the season.

Wednesday 23 December 2020

Northampton Town are putting up a fight to stay in League 1 this season by hoping to extend the deal of bionic man-bun, and former Oxford alumnus, Ricky Holmes. Manager Keith Curle is hoping the mercurial midfielder can stay fit, discover his form and find a time machine to go back to when he was good.

Thursday 24 December 2020

Yay! We’re out of Europe! There’s nothing that says Christmas like loads and loads and loads of amazing customs forms and paperwork! Santa Boris even threw in the added bonus of giving UK fishermen an extended holiday, which will literally go on forever! Premier League sophisticat Čhrīštøphę Wïlłdê is feeling the thrill of the pinch, currently rock bottom of the Premier League, he’s set to lose John Lundstram at the end of the season, maybe even in January.

Friday 25 December 2020

It’s still dark, but KRob’s pulled on his fluffy reindeer onesie and dashed downstairs to see if Santa’s come. Will he get the Evel Kenievel Stunt Toy or the Stretch Armstrong he’s been wanting, like, forever? Maybe, just maybe, because he’s been really good and kept his bedroom tidy – we’ll get cowboy Chris Cadden, who is apparently a target for both Oxford and Hibs?

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Fans-tasy Football League

Saturday 12 December 2020

The Chlamydia Kids, Blackpool, spent ninety minutes fruitlessly banging their balls against the bar on Saturday. It was reminiscent of a character defining weekend GLS had in the Vegas of the North with notorious seafront B&B owner ‘Give me a whirl’ Shirl. The dogged 0-0 draw nearly turned into three points when Jose’s son, John Mousinho’s header was cleared off the line in the last minute

Sunday 13 December 2020

Cowboy Chris Cadden’s career ending decision to move to Columbus Crew a year ago has really come back to bite him. The full-back had the humiliation of lifting the MLS Cup after a 3-0 win over Seattle Sounders on Sunday. Cowboy Chris couldn’t even bring himself to mention the glory days at Oxford United as it was too painful to think about how he’s missed opportunity to play prestige games against the likes of Forest Green Rovers in the Papa John’s Pizza Cup.   

Monday 14 December 2020

Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper has agreed to pack up his orange drainpipes and silver winklepickers and sign for Linfield on loan for the rest of the season so he can sort out some Irish Troubles back home.

Tuesday 15 December

These are strange times indeed, Tuesday’s last minute 1-0 defeat to Northampton Town turned out to be a raucous 4-0 win in front of 2000 fans. Scientists are baffled at the second clean sheet in a row as well as the avalanche of goals. Everyone has been asked to self-isolate as there is a concern this might be the result of a new strain of score-onavirus.

Wednesday 16 December

Northampton boss, Keith Curle gave a physics-defying assessment of his team’s performance last night giving them a roasting after he said they ‘melted’. Curle then went all Oscar Wilde in overpriced branded sportswear by adding “I don’t ‘feel’ that players let me down” he said theatrically waving a handkerchief and giving a wry smile, “I know they did”.

Thursday 17 December 

GLS’ favourite statistical virgins FiveThirtyEight, named after the time their mum puts them down for a nap, have predicted where we’ll finish at the end of the season. They’re anticipating a thrilling 12th place finish for KRob’s Super Yellows; be still my throbbing broadband connection.

The transfer window opens in a few weeks, and we’ve been linked with Barnsley winger Luke Thomas. Some fans might question why we need another winger after signing nineteen in the summer. KRob is one step ahead of us as all the other available League 1 wingers are stuck in the back of a truck at customs in Calais.

Friday 18 December 2020

With no game on Saturday, we need a bit of fun to lighten the mood. The Football League World website are nothing if not rigorous in their research. They’ve listed six celebrities who support Oxford United including Timmy Mallett, Woody Harrelson, who once nursed a hangover through a game three years ago, and a cardboard cutout of Prince Harry. 

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Donkor Kong

Saturday 5 December 2020

It was a momentous day on Saturday as fans were finally allowed back into the stadium for the visit of Hull City. The fans were buoyed by a decent performance against the top of the table Tigers, which ended in a 1-1 draw. Plenty of precautions were taken to ensure supporters were safe, they were asked to take their own food and drink, wear masks and maintain at least two metres distance or ‘touch tight’ as our defence call it. 

Monday 7 December 2020

Vegan sandal wearing Extinction Rebels Forest Green Rovers visit the Kassam on Tuesday for a lactose free Veggie Supreme Papa John Pizza Trophy game. History is set to be made with a local Oxford schoolboy added to the home squad. GLS asked Big Janet from the papershop to the game on a date. Unfortunately when he said, with a knowing smile, ‘You never know, Gatlin O’Donkor could make his debut’ she looked alarmed, called him a pervert and kneed him in the groin.

Elsewhere, Basford United, coached by former Oxford lazybones Rob Duffy, will resume their season this week with the visit of Rushall Olympic in the FA Trophy. Duffy isn’t concerned about the six week break his team had during the lockdown; he was often idle for weeks on end in between efforts during his playing days in the Conference.

Tuesday 8 December 2020

Forest Green Rovers were mulched up and recycled out of the Papa John’s Trophy last night on penalties. Gatlin O’Donkor made his debut from the bench, becoming the youngest ever Oxford players and scoring the first penalty. It’s back down to Earth for O’Donkor who will be at school in the morning, he’s got PE first thing and his kit’s in the wash meaning he’ll have to do it in his pants and vest.

Wednesday 9 December 2020

KRob thinks his yellow card spurred a revival in his team last night.  “I don’t like people saying ‘you’re getting relegated and we’re getting promoted’” Explained KRob, which happens to be a sick burn GLS used at primary school once. 

KRob got right back in their grill: “There’s no blood on my players” he shouted, resulting in a booking for incomprehensible conduct.

Meanwhile, the lower league Jesus has got his timing all wrong, it’s Christmas but Ricky Holmes has been been talking about his resurrection at Northampton after retiring.

Thursday 10 December 2020

It was the Six Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. And. It. Kicked. Off. McWilliams confirmed rumours that corporate sponsors and members of the 1893 Club will get tickets for all three upcoming games in recognition for their premium priced season ticket. Fans didn’t like it, calling it favouritism. That’s not fair, the 1896 Club show admirable dedication to the club by paying £600 to listen to Peter Rhodes-Brown interviewing returning legends like Jon Ashton and Ricky Sappleton while drinking weak tea and eating garibaldi biscuits.

Friday 11 December 2020

There’ll be no Kiss Me Quick hats, donkey rides or itchy rashes for Oxford fans this year as the team travel to the Chlamydia Capital Blackpool on Saturday. Goalkeeper Chris Maxwell is a lazy sod; “I take pride in doing nothing in the game. If I do nothing in a game, I’m happier than when I save 10 shots and still keep a clean sheet.” Now that’s one Christmas present, we’re sure we can help with.