MApp reading

MApp took his Lincoln City side to Cambridge United last week, the scene of a catastrophic 5-1 defeat in his first season at Oxford. What happened off the pitch really shook Mr Big Guns. “We lost heavily. I asked a question [of the players] after the game that I probably shouldn’t have asked” he said “When I got the answer, it scared the life out of me.” We cannot confirm that the question MApp asked was ‘Who’s the guy wearing one flipflop and a rubber glove on his head?’ to be told chillingly “That’s Danny Hylton, boss”.

Hylting the high notes

Talking of the former Oxford hat-stand, Hylton scored his first goal in two years for Luton Town against Bristol City last week. The last minute equalising tap-in vindicated Hylton’s desire to stick with the Hatters despite a lack of gametime and interest from other clubs. “My relationship with the fans has always been great” he said “Even when I’ve been stupid and I’ve been applauded off the pitch.” Doctors report an epidemic of sore hands in the Luton area.

Atkinson’s diet

Hylton’s equaliser was against a Bristol City side featuring Rob Atkinson whose rollercoaster career, he feels, is on the up now he’s a feature in the Robins’ back-four. “Football is such an up and down game” said Rob reflectively “Losing a game is a down, getting injured is a down, the Blackpool game [at the start of the season] – that’s a down.” Rob’s endless optimism has been a real boon for City since his move in the summer.

Charles Dickiens

No such downs for Atkinson’s predecessor, sulky sixth former Rob Dickie, now he’s at university with Queen’s Park Rangers. Dickie ‘took to Instagram’ to hand in his latest essay after a dramatic 3-3 draw with Reading. In a thoughtful, well researched, study, Dickie received a C+ from his tutor after he said “Great character!! Still unbeaten, travelling fans were amazing.”

Sheriff of Nottingham

Once the darling of the media elite, Chris Wilder has now taken to exposing his dainty ankles and coquettishly fluttering his handkerchief at any job that comes available. Wilder has let it be known that he’d be interested in narrowly missing out on the vacant job at rock-bottom Nottingham Forest after it was vacated by Chris Hughton this week. 

Behind bars or twelve-bars?

Oxford United reformed hooligan, Jamal Wilson-Perry, avoided jail time for breaching the community order imposed last March for his part in some fisticuffs at the Kassam Stadium two years ago. Wilson-Perry recently lost his job as a fork lift truck driver, but the judge commended him for readying himself for a return to the job market with some Open University courses “As he’s done the ‘Discovering music: the blues’ course he’s well prepared.” said the judge mindful of the perfect storm Brexit has brought forth with a national shortage of both HGV drivers and woeful melancholic songs from the Deep South.

Cooking on Gaz

Talking of fanciful music careers, divorced-dad at a PTA fundraiser, Gareth Ainsworth was full of praise for Wycombe fans after his side escaped Kassam with a 0-0 draw. “To hear them sing was great and we’ve got a great following.” he said as a painful segue to remind everyone that he’s a singer, in a rock band, with guitars and everything, before launching into a journalist scattering rendition of Mustang Sally.