George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Bodin and Whyte Stuff

Sunday 27 June 2021

There’s nothing we don’t know about ex-Oxford coach Des Buckingham, apart from who he is, of course. He’s got the same no-news day vibe that compelled GLS to follow Jonte Smith’s Bermudan international career so closely a couple of years ago. Anyway, it turns out that Buckingham has won the A-League Grand Final with Melbourne City, which we’re guessing is some sort of newfangled esports competition. 

Monday 28 June 2021

Having flirted with the cosmopolitan continental sophistication synonymous with roll-neck jumpers, Galois cigarettes and troubling relationships with a teenage muses, it seems Chris Wilder is gradually returning to what the 1950s coffee houses of Budapest labelled the school of ‘szükséges pragmatizmus’ or necessary pragmatism. Rumours are that Wilder may be ‘not getting too far ahead of ourselves’ and building a group of honest lads at Barnsley.

Tuesday 29 June 2021

The summer ain’t the summer without KRob failing to land a Scottish defender. Rumours are that he’s interested in missing out on the signing of St Johnstone captain Jason Kerr, who last season became the first player for forty years, outside the auld firm, to lift both the Scottish League and FA Cup without being arrested on suspicion of theft.

Wednesday 30 June 2021

Billy Bodin has signed a one-year deal following his release from Preston North End. The signing is a bit of a surprise, not least to KRob who was offered a Bodin deal and thought he was getting a 20% discount voucher for bland over-priced middle class mail order clothes.

Thursday 1 July 2021

They said it couldn’t be done; but the club have managed to fit Leon Chambers-Parillon’s name onto the back of his shirt. They’ve been quick to capitalise on that by tying him up to a one-year extension to his contract

Friday 2 July 2021

Having planned a warm-weather training camp in Spain; travel restrictions have meant that the club have had to scale back and are now heading for a changeable weather training camp in Bournemouth. KRob will be staying in Derek Fazackerley’s caravan while the squad are all bringing their tents so they can finish their Duke of Edinburgh bronze awards. The club are hoping to line up a couple of friendlies against the kids playing World Cup Willy on the rutted grassless football pitch next to where the teenagers get smashed on cider. 

Saturday 3 July 2021

When Bill Gates started Microsoft, his goal was to have a PC on every desk and to kill millions of children in the third world with bogus vaccines, obviously. It’s this ambition that inspired Oxford to try and sell a centre-back to every mid-ranking club in the Championship. It comes around so quickly, but the Sell A Centre-Back festival was held on Saturday after Rob Atkinson became a Robin reliant and signed for Bristol City. After it was announced, Atkinson was photographed looking bemused while wearing so many different City tracksuits he could be playing in the unfamiliar role of club shop mannequin next season. 

Elsewhere, the only news that’s more frequent than the government sleep walking into another coronavirus wave; a man on Twitter claims that KRob is interested in bringing Gavin Whyte back to the club.

And, in a bald move, former Oxford skipper Adam Murray has become assistant coach at West Brom.

If you have done already, there’s still time to complete Oxblogger’s Absolute State of Oxford United Survey for 2021.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – KRob holds the Purse strings

Sunday 20 June 2021

Celtic’s interest in Rob Atkinson may push Bristol City to part with £1.6million to land the defender. Atkinson appears to be central to manager Nigel Pearson’s plans to build from the back “I’d like two centre-backs, I’d like two centre midfield players and I’d like somebody to stick the ball in the back of the net.” he said “If you look at it like that, that’s five players”. And if you do look a it like that, then you’ve got to say Nigel Pearson’s really good at counting.  

Monday 21 June 2021

The annual Oxford shin kicking competition returns this year as Oxford United have announced they will face Oxford City in a friendly on the 16th July. Like May Day celebrations, this is an ancient Oxford tradition where Oxford United youth team rejects put on blue and white hooped shirts and try to rupture the ligaments of their old club’s newest signings.

Tuesday 22 June 2021

Middlesborough, fresh from appointing Oxford’s former head of star jumps Chris Short, have announced a link up with Martin Gray’s Football Academy. This is like the board game Billy Hamilton’s Football Academy, except whatever number you roll on the dice, you move your piece sideways. Since leaving Oxford, Gray has built a reputation for developing a generation of crab-like kids able to withstanding howling wails of frustration from up to 7,000 fans at a time. 

Wednesday 23 June 2021

There’s a bit of a stand-off in Bristol City’s pursuit of Rob Atkinson. City have submitted a substantial bid for the defender, but KRob is holding out for more. £1.6m is such a lot of money it’s a difficult to imagine, to make it easier for us all; that’s nearly £400,000 plus add ons when he eventually signs.

Thursday 24 June 2021

It was Fixtures Release Day on Thursday, which, like Freedom Day, is a lazy media confection designed to have dimwits frothing at the mouth. In the Type 2 Diabetes Cup we were been away at Flimsy Droid Bastilletank’s, Burton Albion. There was all the excitement of a thin crust margarita in the Papa John’s when we drawn in a group with Tottenham’s Muppet Babies, Stevenage and Cambridge and in the league there was the startling news that we were drawn against everyone twice starting punting off at Cambridge United on the 7th August.

Friday 25 June 2021

We can barely bring ourselves to look, but there’s been a bit of an interesting shuffling in the back room. And we’re not just talking about Matt Hancock’s hand on Gina Coladangelo’s backside. Leon Blackmore-Such has been promoted to head of pointing and manly pre-match handshakes, becoming KRob’s new first team coach. Meanwhile, Darren Purse takes over the Under 19s to give them the benefit of all his experience of getting on the lash at DTMs and Park End.

Saturday 26 June 2021

The Daily Record is counting the days until John Lundstram’s contract at Sheffield United ends at the end of the month. They think Stevie G won’t let it slip now and will win the race for Lunny’s signature. If he does sign, Lundstram will join Kemar Roofe at Ibrox, as Gerrard meticulously recreates Oxford’s 2016 promotion winning team. Joe Skarz is readying himself for a call; Gerrard’s heard that he’s the best defender in the land.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Stand by your Mans

Sunday 13 June 2021

It’s the Euros! As the country gets behind their favourite millionaire Marxists, kneeling to promote the interplay between controlling the means of production and the inequalities in a conceptual societal superstructure (are we absolutely sure about this?), Plymouth manager Ryan Lowe has revealed that League 1 is turning into a global brand with a prestige friendly against Oxford in Spain this summer; it’s ‘El Clasico Soporifico’. 

Monday 14 June 2021

West Brom’s interminable search for a former Oxford United manager continues. Having turned down Chris Wilder, they’ve overlooked Brian Talbot to focus on MApp. But, Mr Big Guns apparently isn’t interested, he wants to focus on the project he’s started at Lincoln – an Airfix Lancaster Bomber.

Tuesday 15 June 2021

There’s nothing GLS loves more than an ex-Oxford hot take. Last year Danny Rose dismissed 200 years of vaccine research because he personally doesn’t understand it (but buy Herbalife, btw). This week it was Lewis Haldane who doesn’t think it’s right that women commentate on Mans [sic] football. We much prefer Haldane’s analysis, which has previously included ‘Banggggg klichhyyyyyy babbyyyy’ and ‘Stuuuueeeyyyyyy bang bang bang. Here we gooooo’ and ‘Bammmmmmmyyyyy wham bammmmm’.

Wednesday 16 June 2021

In a move that screams ‘CLOSE SEASON CONTENT VACUUM’ the forensically analytical Blackpool Gazette have worked out what would happen to the League 1 table if, and let us check our notes here, only goals from non-English players were allowed to stand last season. So, with a strike force of Anthony Forde, Alex Gorrin, Derrick Osei Yaw, Mide Shodipo and Mark Sykes, guess what? We wouldn’t have done so good, finishing 18th.

Thursday 17 June 2021

8.57am Breaking News: Lewis Haldane is announced as playing in a charity game this summer.

In what is turning into what we call in GLS world, an ‘I wonder what Samir Carruthers is doing’ week, Birmingham Live have been wondering what Samir Carruthers is doing. The self-styled ‘idiot who urinated in a pint glass’ is now at Hemel Hempstead.

10.17am Breaking News: Lewis Haldane is no longer playing in a charity game this summer.

Friday 18 June 2021

James Constable has been talking about the difficult switch from football to being a regular Joe. Constable left Banbury last year to focus on his new job. ‘My boss has to keep reminding me I can take days off.’ he said. He’s also been told that he doesn’t need to track back to cover Carl from finance when he gets a coffee and that Janet in HR doesn’t like it when he shouts ‘OUR BALL, LINO’ when she picks up his photocopying.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Golly Josh

Sunday 8 June 2021

In the same way that you’re never more than six feet from a rat, KRob is never more than three months from signing a winger.  The first of four (only four?) he plans to bring into the club over the summer is on the verge of signing. And it could be the return of one of the great man-buns; Ryan Williams who has turned down a new contract at Portsmouth. 

Monday 9 June 2021

Lincoln City have confirmed they’ve received no communication from West Brom about MApp taking over at the Hawthorns. Odds-on favourite to take over the vacant role, MApp’s staying poker faced, or possibly orgasmically happy, or maybe incandescent with rage, frankly how can you possibly tell? 

Tuesday 10 June 2021

The people of Huddersfield haven’t been this excited since their industrial revolution in 1987. Yorkshire Live have gathered quotes from all Josh Ruffels’ previous Oxford managers. KRob called him a diamond, MApp said he has a fantastic attitude and Gary Waddock’s said he once passed him some tea bags in the staff canteen.

Wednesday 11 June 2021

He runs, scores for fun and persists with a man bun; Ryan Williams has become Oxford’s first signing of the summer after turning down a new contract at Portsmouth. It’s Williams’ second stint having played on loan in 2013. When he arrived for his medical he asked where Tom Newey, Sean Rigg and David Hunt were, when he was told they’d left, he signed immediately.

Thursday 12 June 2021

After over 300 games and 8 years at the club, Josh Ruffels has finally signed for Huddersfield Town fulfilling his lifelong dream to play in the Championship relegation zone. Ruffles leaves behind many great memories; Wembley, derby wins, promotion and giant killings, we will never forget his name, even if half of us can’t spell it.

Friday 13 June 2021

Podcasts, they’re everywhere aren’t they? Nearly everywhere, it seems. In the immediate aftermath of Josh Ruffels’ move to Huddersfield Town, the ever progressive Yorkshire Live have helped Terriers Fans, who are not scheduled to get podcasts until 2031, by copying out a transcript of T’Manor’s brief chat about Ruffels’ move.  

Saturday 14 June 2021

Former Oxford United head PE teacher Chris Short has joined Middlesborough, which is much closer to his home in York. KRob has been glowing in his tribute to short “Amazing man, brilliant at his job and someone who people warm to straight away.” Not an accusation that you can level at Short’s new boss Neil Warnock.

Why not take part in the Absolute State of Oxford United Survey 2021 – rate the club, management and players, and predict what’ll happen next season.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Going, going, gone?

Saturday 15 May 2021

Cameron Brannagain has been asked, again about a possible move to Preston North End in the summer. With three days until he plays in the play-off against Blackpool, Brannagain seemed reluctant to annoy literally everyone by speculating on his future. We’re shocked.

Monday 17 May 2021

We’re getting to that point in the season where football clubs release their ‘retained list’. As in, we retain the right not to pay you and we retain a preference to change the code on the front door to the training ground. Dan Crowley has been not retained by Birmingham while Donegal’s finest Jon O’Bika is unretained by St Mirren.

Tuesday 18 May 2021

Tuesday was all about the fans, and reminding them what they’ve missed. As a result, the fans are now missing being pinned to their settees for months after fans returned to the Kassam on Tuesday to see Oxford be swept away 3-0 to Blackpool in the first leg of the play-off semi-final.

Wednesday 19 May 2021

The end of season’s best hackers table has been released and it turns out that Oxford are the third dirtiest team in the division. So proud. The club have kicked their way to seventy yellow and three red cards this season, which has only been bettered by Northampton Town and Charlton Athletic. Bookie monster, Alex Gorrin was seventh.

Thursday 20 May 2021

Courtney ‘shit shit shit’ Pitt has been talking about his “football career”. Now coaching players to loiter disinterestedly on the wing at Burton Albion, Pitt claims he was once pursued by both Barcelona and Monaco. Having seen him at the Kassam on loan in 2002, we assume he’d dropped something on a stadium tour and they wanted to give it back to him.

Friday 21 May 2021

They said it wasn’t possible, but he did it. KRob hatched a fiendish plan to score three goals against Blackpool in Friday’s second leg. Unfortunately he left it on the photocopier at Bloomfield Road, so Blackpool used it as well. The 3-3 draw saw Blackpool ease through to the play-off final 6-3.

Saturday 22 May 2021

They could be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet in Yorkshire soon; scuttling Joe Rothwell is wanted by Sheffield United. Meanwhile there’s a full-on Oxford-off going on at West Brom; speculation is that both Chris Wilder and MApp, and maybe even KRob, are on the short list to fill the vacant manager’s slot. Gary Waddock is said to be disappointed, but available to talk.

Sunday 23 May 2021

KRob has given a proper ‘Who? Little old me?’ to the speculation linking him to the vacant job at West Brom. “It’s probably because me and Sam [Allardyce] worked together for two years.” he said possibly referring to Big Sam’s grandson who briefly signed for the club a few years ago “I don’t really have the energy to talk about any other job.” he said, talking about another job. Could we be in Denis Smith’s ‘They were talking about me being the England manager’ territory?

Monday 24 May 2021

Forgotten Jedward triplet Joel Cooper will be packing his knapsack and heading back over the Irish Sea to seek his fortune back at Oxford this summer. On loan at Linfield while sorting out some family issues, Cooper scored in the Irish Cup Final as Linfield lifted the trophy, which has whetted his appetite for more silverware. He’s now eyeing an EFL Trophy, Oxfordshire Senior Cup double next year. And they said it couldn’t be done.

Tuesday 25 May 2021

Oxford have released their retained list; which includes players they can’t release because they’re under contract, alongside players they plan to not retain. Up and coming centre-back, Jose’s son John Mousinho, has been offered a new contract, alongside Anthony Forde.

Meanwhile Jedward orphan Mark Sykes’ season is far from over, he’s nearly made the Republic of Ireland squad for their upcoming friendlies. He’s fully prepared for the match with a four pack of Fanta in the fridge, some Doritos and a Tex Mex dip combo ready to go.

Wednesday 26 May 2021

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie may be stepping up a level with Steve Bruce keen to snap him up for Newcastle United from QPR after a successful first season in West London. It’ll be a meteoric rise for Dickie although his mum was hoping he’d take an aeronautical engineering apprenticeship at BAE Systems after he’s finished his degree. 

Thursday 27 May 2021

Sunderland fans are eyeing up former Oxford loanee Todd Kane, who has been told he can leave QPR. Can he play? They ask. Will he fit in? They wonder. Will he crumble as we boo him for 90 minutes because we think we’re entitled to win the division? They queried.

Friday 28 May 2021

KRob has paid tribute to Instagram influencer, Nico Jones, as he leaves the club. ”It’s not the end of the road for him in his career. I think he feels going out playing men’s football and being released is better for him and we felt it was as well.” There’s nothing like a bit of redundancy to make you a man. No doubt, he’ll soon be gracing the greatest theatres of football that the Conference South has to offer.

Saturday 29 May 2021

Recently gelded Premier League sophisticat Chris Wilder is now favourite to take over at West Brom. The club have undergone extensive interviews to find the right man, and, having failed to do that, are lining up Wilder ahead of Frank Lampard, whose managerial credentials include looking handsome in a winter coat.

Sunday 30 May 2021

It’s like a closing down sale at Mountain Warehouse around here; now Jedward orphan, and not quite Irish international, Mark Sykes is being lined up with a move to Ipswich Town. At this rate we’ll open the season with Amy Cranston in the back-four and Martin Brodetsky as a holding midfielder.

Monday 31 May 2021

“Una paloma blancaaaaa” KRob is thinking of his summer holibobs with the lads. Pre-season is up in the air because of the pandemic, but he’s hoping to line up a ‘foreign giant’ to play during the summer, which we can only assume is Gérard Depardieu. “We want to be creative with the pre-season, we want to be better than ever before.” he said, better even than our previous best start of two wins in eight.

Tuesday 1 June 2021

The Sunderland Echo have been trying to come up with ways to show that Permier League Sunderland probably won the division after all. They’ve compared how the League 1 table finished to how it was predicted to finish, Oxford were predicted to finish 5th, but finished 6th

Wednesday 2 June 2021

With the Euros just around the corner, TV companies are lining up their expert pundits to give seeing insights into the play of some of the world’s greatest players. South African broadcaster Supersports have announced that former Oxford goalkeeper Andre Arendse will provide key insights into dropping crosses and slicing goal kicks into the stands. Arendse is such a household name around the world, the Illnois News call him Andrew Allense.

Thursday 3 June 2021

Rob Atkinson has been named in the PFA League 1 Team of the Year. The team is a veritable who’s that? of players you’ve only vaguely heard about. Atkinson is understandably chuffed; “It’s nice to win awards, quite humbling, and I am very proud to accept it but the goal for all of us was promotion and we will come back looking to go one better and hopefully achieve that next time around.” said the club’s communications team playing with their new Quote-o-matic app.

Friday 4 June 2021

More Rob Atkinson news as there might be a stumbling block in Bristol City’s bid to sign the defender. KRob has slapped an, entirely realistic and not in any way to be scoffed at, £2m price tag on his head. Atkinson has two-years left on his contract, so expect the club to play hardball in these negotiations. We say £2m, they say £200,000, we say £1.5m, they say £400,000, we say; OK, if we can have additional bonuses for when Atkinson captains the Republic of Congo to the World Cup.

Saturday 5 June 2021

Ambitious Josh Ruffels is heading all the way to the top… of the bottom of the Championship. KRob seems resigned to losing Ruffels and now glamorous second-tier survivors Huddersfield Town are said to be tracking the left-back.

Elsewhere, MApp is now odds-on to become the new West Brom manager, thwarting Chris Wilder. Wilder’s Premier League experience plays to his advantage, but West Brom are really looking for best footballing manager in the league.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Never Mind the Ballots

Saturday 8 May 2021

On the eve of the last game of the season, Headington United’s Sam Long and Big Friendly Giant Elliott Moore have been reflecting on the last two years. Moore’s had a breakthrough season, skippering the side and playing every game. Long hasn’t seen a season this disrupted since the 1846 cholera pandemic preventing Headington United from playing their Oxfordshire Senior Cup Quarter Final against the Oxford University Department for Advanced Wheelwrighting Second XI. 

Sunday 9 May 2021

A blistering 4-0 win over Flimsy Boyd Jasselblank’s Burton Albion set up an unlikely opportunity for Oxford to make the play-offs on Sunday. Everything depended on Portsmouth’s game against Accrington. Over at Fratton Park, there was a proper bumpy Pompey pumping as Stanley won 1-0. The result meant Oxford snatched the last play-offs place and will play Blackpool next week.

Monday 10 May 2021

Blackpool fans are excited by the prospect of allowing up to 4,000 fans to Bloomfield Road for the play-off second leg against Oxford a week on Friday. The town hasn’t been this excited since Blackpool’s Woke-end Weekend a couple of years ago, which involved vegan ice-creams, a Black(pool) Lives Matter demonstration and the polyamarous puppet show; Punch and Judy and Another Judy.

Tuesday 11 May 2021

KRob’s still recovering from the excitement of making the play-offs, but feels his team are the underdogs as they go into the post-season. “…for some unknown reason we are in with a shout of going to the second tier of English football.” he said reassuringly.

Wednesday 12 May 2021

Oxford have confirmed that fans will be allowed to attend the first leg play-off game against Blackpoo next Tuesday. All season ticket holders will be invited to enter a ballot for the tickets available. Some fans have complained they’ve been unfairly left out, feeling they deserve to be rewarded for their dedication to posting flame emojis on the club’s instagram posts nearly every day.

Thursday 13 May 2021

Oxford players have been seen celebrating goals by pretending to play a saxophone and Elliot Lee has explained the reason why. “I put my music on and it was a saxophone playlist. A few of the lads asked whose music it was.” he said. Expect a few of the other lads to do a ‘sandpapering my eyeballs’ celebration when they score against Blackpool to show what it feels like to listen to a saxophone playlist.

Friday 14 May 2021

There are rumours that KRob is lining up a bid for Hibs right-back Tom James. James is said to be excited at the prospect of starting a few games in August before getting ousted by Sam Long and being shipped out on loan by Christmas.

With the play-offs next week, there’s a blank weekend for Oxford fans who don’t know what to do with themselves on Saturday. What about Tsun Dai? Well, the former Oxford player has scored his first professional goals with a brace for Shenzen in the Chinese Super League against Shandong Taishan.