George Lawrence’s Shorts: Your shirt, AAAAHHH

Saturday 28 November 2020

A gross misjudgement, a calamitous last minute mistake, grabbing defeat from the jaws of victory. Those were just some of the comments aimed as sWInD0N tOwN who issued a commemorative t-shirt and mug on Saturday night for no apparent reason.

Meanwhile, spellcheck’s worst nightmare and former Oxford no man, Fiarce Kelleher, has been opening up about his increasingly bizarre career. After being accidentally signed while delivering pizza to Oxford United, he went to Macclesfield and was promptly made redundant. Now he finds himself at Wrexham under the charge of Hollywood superstar chancers Ryan Renolds and Rob McElhenney. The duo plan to make the Wrexham story into a redemptive Netflix tearjerker. We’re looking forward to the spin off series – ‘Kelleher’ – which critics are expecting to be like The Littlest Hobo in shin pads.

Sunday 29 November 2020

The club have been looking into ways of those helping fans faced with the prospect of five days in a Christmas bubble with flatulent Auntie Sheila and her current boyfriend with the chunky gold necklace. One way out could be a solid viral load of the novel coronavirus pathogen so they have announced that Saturday’s defeat to Hull City will be a superspreader event for 1000 lucky punters

Monday 30 November 2020

Like Bono hanging off the back of a transporter plane sprinkling grains of wheat onto the savages below, the 1000 tickets were distributed online to the football starved masses on Monday. The arrangement was branded unfair by some loyal fans particularly for those without fingers or the internet or who live in 1978.

Elsewhere, if you’re wondering what those grunts and whistles are, it’s SwINdOn fans reacting to Saturday’s result on the website grammar forgot, The Swindon Advertiser.

Tuesday 1 December 2020

It was bitterly cold on Tuesday for the game against Ipswich Town, sensible Simon Eastwood’s mum phoned to tell him to put on his big coat and let junior Jack Stevens take over between the sticks. A new defensive unit, alongside an Ipswich attack who found it morally and ethically abhorrent to shoot, resulted in a 0-0 draw and the most welcome clean sheet since GLS’s first dry night after he got his new adult diapers.

Meanwhile, pre-season wonder Jamie Guy has lifted the lid on his so-called career. This includes how he amassed no less than three whole goals in a mere 34 games one season at Colchester and how Premier League sophisticate Čhrîßtøphë Wįłdė and Jim Smith both accidentally managed him at Oxford. Guy reckons Wįłdė could see his potential ‘I look forward to working with you.’ he said a week before letting him go back to Colchester. 

Wednesday 2 December 2020

Ipswich fans have been reacting to their heroic draw with Oxford last night. Tractor Boys fans were agog with the scintillating football on show describing it as ‘tripe’ and an ‘insomnia cure’. We should be so lucky, we’d kill for football as good as tripe.

Thursday 3 December 2020

I was The Nine Minute Twenty-Nine Second Fan Forum on Radio Oxford with KRob and Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. With the equivalent of a jumbo jet full of people dying every day from coronavirus related illness, one fan really got to the nub of the global crisis we’re currently engulfed in. If he has to wear a face mask at the game his glasses will steam up. McWilliams promised to look into changing the laws of thermodynamics for future games. 

Then it was over to KRob, who really set about showing how much he cared and got ‘it’ after the sWiNDoN tOwN defeat with a series of short, terse, caring and getting it answers. Did he regret singling out Mark Sykes? No. Are we too good to go down? No. Will Gavin Whyte come back on loan? Let’s see. So, also no.

Friday 4 December 2020

Hull City manager Grant McCann is wary of the trip to Oxford on Saturday, “They’re a good footballing team. They’re similar to Doncaster, Karl Robinson has done a tremendous job there the last year.” before bursting out laughing and revealing the real reason for his wariness; “It’s a long drive to Oxford”.

One person who is happy about the lockdown is Jack Midson, who claims that the suspension of football has prolonged his playing career. Us too Jack, our own thirty year career in top flight football particularly benefited from not having to play any games.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Ronan’s Boy zone

Saturday 21 November 2020

It’s sad to see a club hopelessly limping from one near-catastrophe to another, lost in a wilderness of bewilderment, wondering where the next point will come from. But, enough about Oxford, let’s talk about Wigan. Oxford felt right at home when they travelled north on Saturday. Taking heart that there’s always someone worse off than you, Matty Taylor and James Henry goals ensured a 2-1 win over the hapless Latics.

Sunday 22 November 2020

Leader, Legend, Adulterer; John Terry has shared a picture of the Chelsea 1996-97 youth team. We assume that Terry wasn’t actually part of the team, he just jumped into the picture in full kit anyway. The photo illustrated the perils of professional football; not all of those featured reached the giddy heights of becoming Britain’s most maligned racist as it included former Oxford legend Courtney ‘shit shit shit’ Pitt and Jamie Brooks’ favourite player; Rob Wooleaston.

Elsewhere, 1, 2, 3, 4… Toni Martinez, TONI MARTINEZ, TONI MARTINEZZZZ, has scored a spectacular overhead kick on his debut for Porto.

Monday 23 November 2020

It’s Portsmouth on Tuesday night in a re-match of last season’s play-off semi-final. Pompey assistant manager Kevin Gallen doesn’t see it as a revenge match. ‘You just have to look at what’s next” he said “The past has gone.” he said “it’s looking forward” he said “we expect a really tough game.” he said “we have to look forward.” he said (again) ‘we are in good form,” he said, looking back.

Tuesday 24 November 2020

Matty Taylor could be in trouble after grabbing rat-faced Portsmouth midfielder Ronan Curtis by the testicles after Tuesday night’s 1-1 draw. The game ended with players squaring up to each other for reasons nobody can quite establish. It looked bad, but Taylor was just rummaging to complete the draw for the quarter-finals of the Oxfordshire Senior Cup – ball number one – North Leigh will play ball number two – Woodstock Town.

Afterwards Curtis’ mum tweeted an appreciation of *checks notes* the size of her son’s penis. Which is an entirely normal thing to do.

Wednesday 25 November 2020

Chisel jawed duo, Sam Ricketts and Dean Whitehead have been left stony faced after they were sacked by Shrewsbury Town just days before they faced The Ghosts of Oxford Past, Oxford City. Ricketts and Whitehead wanted to instill everything they learnt from their time at Oxford in the 2000s in the Shrews. Having successfully plummeted them to the foot of the division, they were relieved of their duties.

PFA Chief Executive Gordon Taylor is standing down at the end of the season. The PFA under Taylor has become a lean and agile force in the football landscape not shackled by arcane bureaucracy. To prove this, Jose’s son, John Mousinho will be part of a three person panel to recruit a four person panel to recruit a replacement.

Thursday 26 November 2020

It was the Six Minute Thirty-Seven Second Fans’ Forum on Radio Oxford with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. With Boris Johnson announcing the return of fans to football there were lots of questions about what comes next. Can we go to Hull? (YEAH!), And the Papa John’s Pizza Trophy thing? (NO!), And the under-18s? (NONCE!), And Swindon’s changing rooms? (ARE YOU RONAN CURTIS’ MUM OR SOMETHING?).

Friday 27 November 2020

It’s the Oxford Swindon derby on Saturday with Oxford looking to extend a seven-game winning streak spread over 17 years, apart from the one that doesn’t count, obviously. The official Bovril Twitter account got stuck into the build up on Friday, which surprised some Oxford fans. With Christmas just around the corner, there’s nothing a Swindon fan likes more than cracking open a bottle of salted beef paste to celebrate the birth of the baby Jesus.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Déjà Crewe

Saturday 14 November 2020

Might Oxford loanee Marcus McGuane be heading back to his parent club? Obviously, no, but it’s one of those weeks so let’s pretend he might and we care. Chris Hughton is currently the manager of Nottingham Forest, and, while it’s not certain that he’ll be manager of Nottingham Forest by the time you reach the end of this sentence, he’s currently assessing his options, including his loanees, in preparation for making some tweaks to his squad in January. 

Sunday 15 November 2020

Oxford head to crisis club Wigan Athletic on Saturday. It’s been a grim time for Wigan who are bottom of the table and are in such despair that manager John Sheridan recently decided that Swindon Town was a better place to work. Despite rumours of a takeover, first team coach Leam Richardson and academy manager Gregor Rioch will reside over their 2-0 win against us on Saturday. And if you’re thinking, this isn’t news, remember; it’s only Sunday.

Monday 16 November 2020

The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to list Britain’s 10 most unsuccessful stadium moves. Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before; we’ve only got three sides and the wind blows in four different directions at the same time. Did you know you can see a cinema from inside the ground? We can take the banter, although we have to admit, it was a bit of a kick in the balls to find we’re featured alongside two stadiums that aren’t even being used as football grounds anymore and a third that doesn’t exist.

Tuesday 17 November 2020

‘We owe you Crewe, we’ll show ‘em, grrr’ KRob shook his fist theatrically to the sky. A sense of injustice really got the boys fired up on Tuesday as Crewe eventually turned up to the Kassam for their much postponed league fixture. And we really stuck it to them, really showed them who’s boss, yes, we lost 2-0, but we delayed their second goal until the final minute. Ha! Who’s laughing now? 

Wednesday 18 November 2020

Crewe’s manager Dave Artell has been reflecting on his success on Tuesday ‘We haven’t got any idiots’ said the man who drove his Covid-ridden team into the Kassam to tell KRob that he had a Covid-ridden team on the bus. We agree, none of the players are idiots. 

GLS was part of a legendary primary school team that once proudly limited their local rivals, St Hilda’s Preparatory School for Misanthropic Tories, to just fourteen goals without reply. It was on the back of this great achievement, that GLS stood at the end of the school year with the ‘Spirit and Effort Award’ – which was conceived by a kindly needlework teacher for kids who might eat dirt, but at least turn up to stuff. It’s similar to the shameful pride that Oxford felt when they found out they’re in the play-offs when it comes to fair-play league, currently sitting fifth

Thursday 19 November 2020

It was the Nine Minute Thirty-Eight Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with KRob on Thursday. KRob came out in defence of his beleaguered squad, and we meant that metaphorically, not that he had a pass into midfield intercepted and found himself woefully out of position. Team issues would be kept internal, he said, before resolutely not revealing to everyone that Nico Jones was ‘miles away’ from the first team, Jose’s son, John Mousinho has a potentially season ending knee issue, Cameron Brannagain has a potentially sight ending eye issue and Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper is currently dealing with a crisis in Northern Ireland, though we feel he’s woefully under-qualified to address the threats to The Good Friday Agreement resulting from Brexit.

Friday 20 November 2020

Oxford travel to Wigan tomorrow with KRob reassessing the reasons for his team’s poor start to the season. On Tuesday it was a lack of pride. Now it’s too much. One issue is a lack of sleep with Alex Gorrin ‘rewinding the game’ throughout the night to analyse what went wrong, presumably on his Betamax video player (ask your dead grandad, kids).

In other news, Oxford have been drawn against sandal wearing, Guardian reading, woke vegans Forest Green Rovers in whatever the next round of the Papa Johns Trophy is. It’ll be a good game though, but like this week’s GLS, we doubt it’ll be a meat feast.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Ooh ahh, just a lil’Obita

Saturday 7 November 2020

Don’t you hate people on Facebook who don’t know the difference between to, too and two? It’s pretty easy to understand – to is a preposition, too means ‘as well’ and two is the number of goals Oxford United concede each week. On Saturday we crashed out of the FA Cup after conceding four to Peterborough, just kidding it was too.

Sunday 8 November 2020

Aaron Martin, the man who really put the Aaron Martin into the sentence; ‘Did Aaron Martin play for us?’ has continued his tour of the nation’s landmark substitute benches by signing for Hamilton Academicals.   

Monday 9 November 2020

The chronic defensive frailties at Oxford have eased with a new signing. KRob has always been reluctant to waste money on an effective defensive unit, but when he was told we’d found a player ‘a bit like’ Donegal’s finest John O’bika, KRob couldn’t move quickly enough. Tipperary’s finest, Jordan O’bita has signed after his release from Reading.

When it comes to being by far the greatest team the world has ever seen, we are undisputed kings of postponements. The club announced their fourth of the season – Saturday’s game against Doncaster is off due to international call ups.

Tuesday 10 November 2020

Oxford fans gathered in wonder and trepidation at the big circular thing hanging in the goals against column on Tuesday as Oxford kept their first clean sheet in eight months in their win in the Papa John’s Trophy against Walsall. Some people have mocked the Papa John’s Trophy, but it has a great history; the original Papa John’s Trophy was a small girl called Eleanor who was locked in Papa John’s basement while he made pizzas. Cowboy Derick got on his Osei late-on to score in a 1-0 win.

The Seventy-Two website has been looking at the outsiders for the vacant Swindon manager’s job. Naturally, anyone wanting to manage Swindon is, by definition, the kind of outsider who thinks QAnon is a bit too ‘The One Show featuring Gary Barlow’ for their taste, but one name that has cropped up is bearded último forastero PClot.

Wednesday 11 November 2020

Danny Hylton’s time at Luton may be coming to an end as he’s struggling to find the net in the Championship this season. Luton boss, Nathan Jones, said “What I’m concerned about is, is he leading the line? Is he grafting? Is he doing his job?” which can be added to the usual Danny Hylton questions like, is he still licking lamposts? Where did he pick that up from?, and, does he have to do that in front of the vicar? 

Thursday 12 November 2020

It was the Six Minute Thirty Seven Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. The never decisive McWilliams bore the brunt of a raft of questions about players signing contracts (maybe), season ticket refunds (maybe not), and the relationship with creepy Uncle Firoz (maybeeee, he’s gonna be the one that saves meeeee).

Friday 13 November 2020

No game on Saturday, but the good news is the abject failure of both teams this season has meant that the derby against Swindon Town has been rearranged for 28 November. The date had been in doubt after KRob had gone full Donald Trump by refusing to accept it; “Why should there be a new date? You had a date, it was Saturday and you couldn’t play it.” he said under an inch of orange fake tan, standing in front of B&Q while Derek Fazackerley tried to sneak out the side door of the nearby Ann Summers.

Meanwhile, the Oxford Mail has paid tribute to the burgeoning Oxford United podcast scene. They describe the bonhomie of groups of fans gathering to chat about their shared love for the club. Next week, we’re looking forward to the double page spread of Oxford’s bitter and twisted demented blogging scene.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The Moore, the merrier

Saturday 31 October 2020

So Solid Crew had 21 seconds to go, Silver Bullet had 20 seconds to comply. So Fleetwood dragged their heels against Oxford when they took 46 seconds to take the lead on their way to a 2-0 win on Saturday. With unpredictable gentleman thug Joey Barton watching from the Fleetwood bench, Henry James’ James Henry was ever so polite in passing the ball back to the ‘keeper after we had the opportunity to equalise from the penalty spot. Let’s face it, we don’t want to anger him.

Sunday 1 November 2020

Joey Barton is happy about Saturday’s win “They (Oxford) are in a false position” he said of the team whose ominous play-off form consists of six defeats in eight. Mind you, don’t mess with The Barton – data virgins FiveThirtyEight are predicting we’ll finish 10th. How have they come to that conclusion? We don’t know and let’s be honest, we don’t care.

Monday 2 November 2020

Oxford may be lining up a move for former Sheffield United defender Ben Henegham if club scouts can persuade KRob offers pace down the flanks. Meanwhile, former Oxford star baker Candice Carroll has signed for Queens Park, who are just a ‘Rangers’ away from being a professional team. In other news, broken man-bun Ricky Holmes has been raised from the dead to sign for Northampton Town, he’ll be the club cadaver for their trainee physios.

Tuesday 3 November 2020

One man army Elliot Moore has had enough, on Tuesday he was smashing up buildings with his bare hands and throwing people over the South Stand as he led Oxford to a 3-1 win over Rochdale. Moore’s two goals, along with another from Nick Harris’ worst nightmare, Olamide Shodipo, saw us stroll to a comfortable three points.

Wednesday 4 November 2020

GLS knows that as the years advance, lavatorial control becomes increasingly unpredictable. Only last Wednesday, we felt a familiar warm, damp feeling in our trousers while queuing at the Post Office for a postal order. So, we feel for Rochdale manager Brian Barry-Murphy as we assume he was caught short during his team’s defeat last night “I don’t remember any chances that the opposition created.” he said after the three goal mullering “I thought we were in total control (and) couldn’t see a way we’d concede”. He missed so much, perhaps he should try adult nappies to get him through the 90 minutes.

Thursday 5 November 2020

Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper hasn’t been called up to not play in Northern Ireland’s upcoming Nations League and Euro 2020 games. Cooper instead will be available to not play in our next league game against Doncaster Rovers next Saturday. 

Friday 6 November 2020

It looks like Joe Biden will be the next US President; who remembers when Boris Johnson racially abused his good friend and former boss? Or threatened peace in his ancestral home by breaking international law? The special relationship between Britain and America runs deeper than that. They have Donald Trump’s personal attorney and sometime trouser fumbler Rudy Guiliani and we have Barry Fry to laugh at when things feel bleak. Fry brings his Peterborough team to The Kassam tomorrow for the FA Cup. KRob’s expecting to make changes with a busy league schedule ahead, so we’re excited to see youth and experience combine as Derek Fazackerley plays alongside Amy Cranston in defence.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Swind-off, Charlt-on

Saturday 24 October 2020

Saturday’s postponed derby against Swindon has created a serious backlog of fixtures. The compressed season means that games are backing up, so we’re unlikely to see the derby rearranged until Christmas when no games are ever played. Christmas Day is looking fairly blank for most people this year, so let’s Rocky IV this sucker and sort this cold war out once and for all. QUEUE: TRAINING MONTAGE.

Sunday 25 October 2020

Swindon boss Richie Wellens has named Toby Holland along with coaches Tommy Wright, Noel Hunt and Steve Mildenhall as those who tested positive last week. The club’s physio is also self-isolating because, according to Wellens’ bamboozling medical jargon ‘he looked really bad’. If you’ve been unable to attend your loved one’s funeral or lost your job, you really need to get your priorities right: “The goalkeeper needs someone to warm him up.” wailed Wellens by way of explanation. 

Monday 26 October 2020

It was the draw for the first round of the FA Cup on Monday with Grant Holt caressing his balls live on TV in front of Lindsey Hipgrave. A bit like a low rent version of that Peter Crouch thing that they had on in the summer. In these troubled times, the FA Cup offers a reminder of happier times of old. The smell of stale cigars, the stench of cheap aftershave, the whiff of vaguely criminal activity; yes, our home tie against Barry Fry’s Peterborough will come as a soothing balm on our furrowed brow.

Tuesday 27 October 2020

Charlton had the good grace to turn up to face KRob’s plucky part-timers on, well, Loseday? Twosday? You pick. Despite a spirited opening, Oxford gifted two goals before half-time so everyone could switch off and catch the end of Bake Off. Following the 2-0 defeat, Oxford now have less clean sheets than Trainspotting’s Spud after a big night on the skag. 

Wednesday 28 October 2020

There are lots of reasons to be positive when you’re from Swindon. It’s not that far from Oxford and there’s always the knowledge that death will come to us all eventually. Swindon supporters club chairman and amateur virologist, Peter Norris has been looking on the bright side of his team’s failure to fulfil the derby fixture on Saturday. “If there’s one positive we can take from this though, it’s that – depending on when the game is rearranged for, hopefully the new year – fans may be able to go.” He didn’t elaborate on which new year.

Elsewhere, The Sheffield Star has revealed why John Lundstram is set to leave Sheffield United in January. The man whose fantasy football defensive credentials were so over-inflated last season KRob couldn’t actually see him has pushed cosmopolitan sophisticat Čhrįßtøphë Wïlłdē’s patience a little too far.

Thursday 29 October 2020

It was the Six Minute Nine Second Fans’ Forum on Radio Oxford with KRob on Thursday. Talk quickly turned to the man who’s been overdoing the hand sanitizer this year, Sensible Simon Eastwood. Is it possible the glovesman might be dropped? Asked one fan, ‘Everyone can be dropped’ said KRob with ice flowing through his veins. No one drops ‘em like KRob, apart from Sensible Simon, of course. 

Meanwhile the Dundalk Donkey Pat Hoban watched on as his team went down 3-0 to Arsenal in the Europa League.

Friday 30 October 2020

It’s a Halloween spooktacular tomorrow as Oxford face Fleetwood for a trick and a treat. Joey Barton has been talking about the game; ‘There’s no doubt about it, Oxford are a top ten side.’ he said about the team currently 23rd. GLS once went to a Halloween party as Joey Barton; we used to trick people into thinking we’re a reasonable human being by wearing glasses and talking about books, and then treat them to a choke hold to the throat and a punch in the face.