Saturday 15 May 2021
Cameron Brannagain has been asked, again about a possible move to Preston North End in the summer. With three days until he plays in the play-off against Blackpool, Brannagain seemed reluctant to annoy literally everyone by speculating on his future. We’re shocked.
Monday 17 May 2021
We’re getting to that point in the season where football clubs release their ‘retained list’. As in, we retain the right not to pay you and we retain a preference to change the code on the front door to the training ground. Dan Crowley has been not retained by Birmingham while Donegal’s finest Jon O’Bika is unretained by St Mirren.
Tuesday 18 May 2021
Tuesday was all about the fans, and reminding them what they’ve missed. As a result, the fans are now missing being pinned to their settees for months after fans returned to the Kassam on Tuesday to see Oxford be swept away 3-0 to Blackpool in the first leg of the play-off semi-final.
Wednesday 19 May 2021
The end of season’s best hackers table has been released and it turns out that Oxford are the third dirtiest team in the division. So proud. The club have kicked their way to seventy yellow and three red cards this season, which has only been bettered by Northampton Town and Charlton Athletic. Bookie monster, Alex Gorrin was seventh.
Thursday 20 May 2021
Courtney ‘shit shit shit’ Pitt has been talking about his “football career”. Now coaching players to loiter disinterestedly on the wing at Burton Albion, Pitt claims he was once pursued by both Barcelona and Monaco. Having seen him at the Kassam on loan in 2002, we assume he’d dropped something on a stadium tour and they wanted to give it back to him.
Friday 21 May 2021
They said it wasn’t possible, but he did it. KRob hatched a fiendish plan to score three goals against Blackpool in Friday’s second leg. Unfortunately he left it on the photocopier at Bloomfield Road, so Blackpool used it as well. The 3-3 draw saw Blackpool ease through to the play-off final 6-3.
Saturday 22 May 2021
They could be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet in Yorkshire soon; scuttling Joe Rothwell is wanted by Sheffield United. Meanwhile there’s a full-on Oxford-off going on at West Brom; speculation is that both Chris Wilder and MApp, and maybe even KRob, are on the short list to fill the vacant manager’s slot. Gary Waddock is said to be disappointed, but available to talk.
Sunday 23 May 2021
KRob has given a proper ‘Who? Little old me?’ to the speculation linking him to the vacant job at West Brom. “It’s probably because me and Sam [Allardyce] worked together for two years.” he said possibly referring to Big Sam’s grandson who briefly signed for the club a few years ago “I don’t really have the energy to talk about any other job.” he said, talking about another job. Could we be in Denis Smith’s ‘They were talking about me being the England manager’ territory?
Monday 24 May 2021
Forgotten Jedward triplet Joel Cooper will be packing his knapsack and heading back over the Irish Sea to seek his fortune back at Oxford this summer. On loan at Linfield while sorting out some family issues, Cooper scored in the Irish Cup Final as Linfield lifted the trophy, which has whetted his appetite for more silverware. He’s now eyeing an EFL Trophy, Oxfordshire Senior Cup double next year. And they said it couldn’t be done.
Tuesday 25 May 2021
Oxford have released their retained list; which includes players they can’t release because they’re under contract, alongside players they plan to not retain. Up and coming centre-back, Jose’s son John Mousinho, has been offered a new contract, alongside Anthony Forde.
Meanwhile Jedward orphan Mark Sykes’ season is far from over, he’s nearly made the Republic of Ireland squad for their upcoming friendlies. He’s fully prepared for the match with a four pack of Fanta in the fridge, some Doritos and a Tex Mex dip combo ready to go.
Wednesday 26 May 2021
Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie may be stepping up a level with Steve Bruce keen to snap him up for Newcastle United from QPR after a successful first season in West London. It’ll be a meteoric rise for Dickie although his mum was hoping he’d take an aeronautical engineering apprenticeship at BAE Systems after he’s finished his degree.
Thursday 27 May 2021
Sunderland fans are eyeing up former Oxford loanee Todd Kane, who has been told he can leave QPR. Can he play? They ask. Will he fit in? They wonder. Will he crumble as we boo him for 90 minutes because we think we’re entitled to win the division? They queried.
Friday 28 May 2021
KRob has paid tribute to Instagram influencer, Nico Jones, as he leaves the club. ”It’s not the end of the road for him in his career. I think he feels going out playing men’s football and being released is better for him and we felt it was as well.” There’s nothing like a bit of redundancy to make you a man. No doubt, he’ll soon be gracing the greatest theatres of football that the Conference South has to offer.
Saturday 29 May 2021
Recently gelded Premier League sophisticat Chris Wilder is now favourite to take over at West Brom. The club have undergone extensive interviews to find the right man, and, having failed to do that, are lining up Wilder ahead of Frank Lampard, whose managerial credentials include looking handsome in a winter coat.
Sunday 30 May 2021
It’s like a closing down sale at Mountain Warehouse around here; now Jedward orphan, and not quite Irish international, Mark Sykes is being lined up with a move to Ipswich Town. At this rate we’ll open the season with Amy Cranston in the back-four and Martin Brodetsky as a holding midfielder.
Monday 31 May 2021
“Una paloma blancaaaaa” KRob is thinking of his summer holibobs with the lads. Pre-season is up in the air because of the pandemic, but he’s hoping to line up a ‘foreign giant’ to play during the summer, which we can only assume is Gérard Depardieu. “We want to be creative with the pre-season, we want to be better than ever before.” he said, better even than our previous best start of two wins in eight.
Tuesday 1 June 2021
The Sunderland Echo have been trying to come up with ways to show that Permier League Sunderland probably won the division after all. They’ve compared how the League 1 table finished to how it was predicted to finish, Oxford were predicted to finish 5th, but finished 6th.
Wednesday 2 June 2021
With the Euros just around the corner, TV companies are lining up their expert pundits to give seeing insights into the play of some of the world’s greatest players. South African broadcaster Supersports have announced that former Oxford goalkeeper Andre Arendse will provide key insights into dropping crosses and slicing goal kicks into the stands. Arendse is such a household name around the world, the Illnois News call him Andrew Allense.
Thursday 3 June 2021
Rob Atkinson has been named in the PFA League 1 Team of the Year. The team is a veritable who’s that? of players you’ve only vaguely heard about. Atkinson is understandably chuffed; “It’s nice to win awards, quite humbling, and I am very proud to accept it but the goal for all of us was promotion and we will come back looking to go one better and hopefully achieve that next time around.” said the club’s communications team playing with their new Quote-o-matic app.
Friday 4 June 2021
More Rob Atkinson news as there might be a stumbling block in Bristol City’s bid to sign the defender. KRob has slapped an, entirely realistic and not in any way to be scoffed at, £2m price tag on his head. Atkinson has two-years left on his contract, so expect the club to play hardball in these negotiations. We say £2m, they say £200,000, we say £1.5m, they say £400,000, we say; OK, if we can have additional bonuses for when Atkinson captains the Republic of Congo to the World Cup.
Saturday 5 June 2021
Ambitious Josh Ruffels is heading all the way to the top… of the bottom of the Championship. KRob seems resigned to losing Ruffels and now glamorous second-tier survivors Huddersfield Town are said to be tracking the left-back.
Elsewhere, MApp is now odds-on to become the new West Brom manager, thwarting Chris Wilder. Wilder’s Premier League experience plays to his advantage, but West Brom are really looking for best footballing manager in the league.