George Lawrence’s Shorts: Jakarta Stevens

Saturday 13 March

Oxford were meticulously dismantled 2-0 on Saturday by Hull City. It reminded GLS of his childhood catching flies and slowly dismantling them limb by limb and wing by wing. Do Hull City also keep rusted car parts in the front garden and eat cold beans from a tin?

Sunday 14 March 2021

Hull manager Grant McCann was impressed by his team’s performance yesterday. “We’ve shown a real calmness and maturity … they play in a certain way, which is difficult to play against at times” said McCann. That ‘certain way’ being the equivalent of a mad scramble when you put your foot on something wet in a children’s ball pool. Hull look in good shape for promotion; if anyone can, Grant McCann can.

Monday 15 March 2021

KRob has confirmed he doesn’t plan to commit career suicide by taking on the vacant position at Birmingham City. He still has ambition to make Oxford United one of the top 30 teams in the country – a vibe which could be described as ‘headliners on Quest, last on Match of the Day’. 

Tuesday 16 March 2021

KRob said he wants to take the handbrake off for the rest of the season, begging the question why we’ve had the handbrake on for most of this season’s journey. Surprisingly, the new philosophy didn’t plunge us into a ravine as we ran Doncaster ragged with a three goal mauling at The Kassam.

Wednesday 17 March 2021

The Doncaster press have set upon their team after their woeful performance last night. Superlatives include “reckless passes out from the back”, “gave the ball away a lot”, “really sloppy with possession” “shut out too easily [and] slow to find space”. We think this was an unfair assessment, they weren’t that good.

Thursday 18 March 2021

The appliance of sports science, that’s the KRob way. Rotating his squad has been the key to a return to form in recent weeks. “Something we did on Saturday might not impact the team until next weekend.” said KRob sounding like your gran when she’s trying to describe her last proper bowel movement “Something we did two weeks ago might have had an impact on Tuesday.”

Friday 19 March 2021

Rumours are swirling around that the club is about to be taken over by an Indonesian consortium. Any foreign ownership brings fears of reputation washing, money laundering and illicit betting scams, but Oxford are big news in Indonesia. People still talk of the Rob Duffy Riots in Jarkarta after the 2007 Conference Play-Off failure and it’s a little known fact that Tom Newey and David Hunt are now the Indonesian equivalent of Ant and Dec. “Saya seorang selebriti, keluarkan saya dari sini!!!” as they say.

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