Monday 20 May 2019

There’s only one question asked for more often by Oxford United fans than ‘What is Danny Philliskirk up to these days?’ and that is; ‘Who the hell is Danny Philliskirk?’. Well, he played four memorable games on loan from Chelsea for us in 2010 scoring no fewer, and no more, than zero goals. Like Sam Smith, but less prolific. Having largely disappeared off the scene for a while, he resurfaced on Sunday to win the FA Trophy with Fylde against Leyton Orient.

Tuesday 21 May 2019

Signing-alert! You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can judge a signing by its shirt sponsor. Or lack thereof. 17-year-old full-back Kevin Berkoe was announced with all the pomp and circumstance we’ve come to expect from a new signing, though his Singha-less shirt reminds us the cheeky scamp is likely to be a Junior Yellow.

The Oxford United Jedward, Gavin Whyte and Mark Sykes, have been called-up to Northern Ireland’s training camp, where they will be kayaking, whittling and welly wanging, THAT’S WELLY WANGING GAV.

Jonte angle Smith could console himself after being released a couple of weeks ago by nabbing a spot in the Bermuda Gold Cup squad.

Wednesday 22 May 2019

God we miss the football season; the goals, the excitement, the winding up orders. The club that’s had more winding ups than Lawrence Vigouroux in a Chris Maguire factory was due in court to face Uncle Firoz over its unpaid debts. Tiger checked down the back of the sofa and found the cash to pay the debt, so the case was dismissed.

In a tactic straight out of Theresa May’s Brexit playbook of doing the same thing repeatedly in the hope of getting a different result, the club will put aside 20 years of animosity and vitriol and return to Firoz Kassam with a proposal for a better relationship. That’ll work won’t it?

More signings, of sorts, crime fighting Aarons; McCreadie and Heap, have signed six month contracts for the Junior Yellows. Nice one Aaron-squared.

If you’re one of those people who thought that Chris Wilder was the new Sam Allardyce, it turns out you’re wrong. Sam Allardyce is the new Sam Allardyce; the grandson of statistically England’s greatest manager has signed for the Junior Yellows.

Star baker Canice Carrol, whose promising career has been dogged by a period on loan at Swindon Town, has been called up to do substitute fist bumps for the Republic of Ireland Under 21s.

Thursday 23 May 2019

Fulham, who were accidentally promoted to the Premier League, but righted that particular wrong last season by being relegated at the earliest opportunity last season will visit The Kassam in July. This is the game in which our new signing will score his fifth goal of pre-season and his last before Christmas.

Friday 24 May 2019

We’ve hit that point in the summer when you need to have a good rummage around George Lawrence’s Shorts to find anything of marginal interest. In Deep State Oxford United, Des Buckingham, one time Oxford United coach is taking New Zealand to the Under-20 World Cup. Meanwhile, Stoke’s Nathan Collins; a prospect as hot as his dad, former Oxford United Dave was forgettable, is wanted by plucky mid-table Premier League Manchester United.

Saturday 25 May 2019

Truth hoover, The Sun, reports that a black man – former Oxford United midfielder Alex Dyer (M’Lord) – has been appointed as Scotland’s black assistant manager alongside white manager Steve Clarke. The paper, who aren’t racist because some of their best friends have friends who work with some people who are black (not black African black, just normal black, almost white, you might say).

They neglect to mention that White Clarke and Black Dyer have just worked together with great success at Kilmarnock, which might have been an influencing factor. Obviously Black Dyer isn’t quoted in the story because he might say some black things; that honour has gone to White Steve and Kilmarnock’s owner White Billy Bowie.

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