George Lawrence’s Shorts: Tango and cash

Sunday 30 August 2020

Asylum seeking Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has created havoc in the Northern Ireland camp after turning down the opportunity to play for them in the Nations League in favour of The Republic. Ireland hasn’t seen trouble like this since, well, The Troubles, it can’t be long until we get to Bloody Tsun Dai.

And here he is! Oxford United’s greatest ever Hong Konger has scored his first goal for Shenzhen in the Chinese Super League.

Monday 31 August 2020

Ex-Oxford keeper Paul Kee has shown the same reactions that characterised his time at The Manor in the 1990s. Thirty years after his retirement, he’s reaslised he doesn’t have any pictures of him in action and is looking for anyone who might have some. Sadly, his search may be in vain given that few Oxford fans can recall him ever making a save.

Meanwhile, former Manchester United (reserves) skipper Danny Rose has finally come to his senses and left Swindon for Grimsby Town – known in the trade as a ‘six fingers to fish fingers’ transfer.  

Tuesday 1 September 2020

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie got his A Level results. Due to Boris’ Bogus Algorithm, Dickie didn’t get into Leeds or Newcastle, but will instead study Mid-Table Obscurity at  London polytechnic Queens Park Rangers. The fee is said to be undisclosed; which is the value of Rob Dickie minus 75%. But it’s OK, there are add-ons – and when he does pitch in the World Series on Uranus, we’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.

Mange tout, mange tout; Derick Osei Yaw was on target twice down the road at Brentford. The prestige friendly opened the Bees’ new ground; The Stadium of Lego. The 2-2 draw was live streamed on YouTube using, judging by the quality, an iPhone 4 and a lot of LSD.

Wednesday 2 September 2020

Oxford revealed its new orange away kit; or specifically the shade ‘We’re Going to Need a Third Kit, Kerching, Orange’. The shirt is a fitting tribute to the club’s history; and specifically its illustrious Dutch players; Dwight Tiendelli, Brian Wilsterman and Gino van Kessel. It evokes their spirit in that it looks great initially but will only to be used when there are absolutely no other options available. 

Thursday 3 September 2020

Like a teenager boasting to his friend that the French teacher’s left breast briefly brushed his arm, KRob eagerly revealed he’s made a bid for a striker. Elsewhere, Tory PR newsletter The Telegraph is reporting that KRob is on the verge of signing a new long-term contract. Our dreams are now haunted by the vision of KRob pulling on a skin tight Oxford shirt and banging them in next season.

Friday 4 September 2020

Tomorrow sees the start of the season with a Type 2 Diabetes Cup Fash the Bash at home to Wimbledon. With no fans present, KRob’s fairly non-plussed about it and will be treating the game like another pre-season friendly. Chins up KRob, we’ll be with you in spirit as the game is being streamed via iFollow. We’ll be backing the team from the first minute to the eighth, then from the seventeenth to the thirty-second without any sound, then we’ll watch fourteen minutes of last seasons EFL Trophy game between Gillingham and Norwich Reserves, then from the sixty-fifth to the seventieth with commentary from the first half…

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Hey Yaw!

Sunday 16 August 2020

The 92 Club is where overweight middle-aged men with Status Quo patches on their denim jackets try to visit every ground in the country. The 92 refers to the number of social media interactions they have every day with young girls in short skirts that claim to be both real and Ipswich Town fans. Sulky sixth-former Rob Dickie is closing in on his own 92 club landmark as Newcastle became the 88th club this summer interested in signing him.

Monday 17 August 2020

The draw for the world’s oldest socially distanced football tournament – the EFL Trophy – was made on Monday, or at least part of it. The draw was held in the middle of a desolate forest in the dead of the night by two druids and a mountain goat. Probably, but frankly who cares? In it, we drew Walsall and Bristol Rovers. Early games are likely to be played without fans, so no change there then. 

Tuesday 18 August 2020

Oxford announced that its new sponsor was the Thai tourist authority Amazing Thailand. Tourism sponsors are very much on trend in League 1 – as well as the sun drenched paradise of Thailand, Blackpool will be promoting their own town as the country’s chlamydia capital while Swindon are sponsored ‘Imagine Cruising’ or as they’re properly known ‘Imagine cruising on a coronavirus incubator’.

In the Type 2 Diabetes Cup, Oxford have been drawn against Fash The Bash and co – Wimbledon – while the Chelsea Muppet Babies have been added to our EFL Trophy group.   

Wednesday 19 August 2020

The club caused mega-ROFLs by ostentaciously announcing the new club socks before revealing their new yellow t-shirt for the season. The story of absolute bantz caused total scenes and was picked up by the Daily Mail whose reader Dandada14 lambasted the story for its poor journalism. Blimey, wait until he hears about the Brexit lies and racebating of Meghan Markle. 

Squad numbers were announced on Wednesday causing amateur numerologists everywhere to pour over the mystical meaning of each proclamation. Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has been elevated to the number 10 shirt, where he hopes to follow in the footsteps of previous Oxford number 10s Craig Farrel, Andy Thomson and Courtney Pitt by becoming a regular punchline to a weakly structured GLS gag.

Thursday 20 August 2020

Jack Midson, who increasingly looks like the local fitness instructor working his way around all the Year 2 mums at the local primary school, has signed for Sheppey United. Meanwhile in Preston, Ryan Ledson has put pen to paper and a late two footed knee-high lunge on a new contract extension

Friday 21 August 2020

Fixture release day is the day that football fans up and down the country excitedly plan the games they’re going to miss due to a catastrophic coronavirus second wave. Oxford’s season opens against one of the big guns; MApp’s Lincoln. The home derby against Swindon is scheduled for October 24th. For once Oxford United fans and Boris Johnson speak with one voice when they say they’d rather their gran died a slow painful death on her own of a respiratory illness than see that one played behind closed doors.

Elsewhere, Liam Kelly, who looks like the kid whose dad paid a substantial donation to the PTA so he could play the lead in the end of year rendition of Bugsy Malone, is back for a season’s loan. In a surprise move, Oxford also signed Frenchman Derick Osei Yaw; in terms of French Oxford United players, we don’t know whether he’ll be a gem-ey like Christophe Remy or as dead as a Doudou. 

Saturday 22 August 2020

On Monday Brian Horton publishes his autobiography; ‘Horton Out’. It’s not called that, of course, but we’re excited to read the true stories of the times he took teams like Oxford to lower mid-table finishes, along with the thrilling run to a Full Member’s Cup Semi-Final with Hull.

In a lengthy interview with Hull Live, Horton talks about the time Cesc Fabregas allegedly spat at him. He says of the spit “He denied it and got away with it … but it’s all covered in the book.” Readers are advised to give the book a good wipe before reading.

Elsewhere, Oxford beat Banbury 5-0 in a friendly with a scrabble score of goalscorers in Agyei, Osei Yaw and another new signing, Dylan Asonganyi. Nick Harris is expected to announce his retirement within days.