Sunday 30 August 2020
Asylum seeking Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has created havoc in the Northern Ireland camp after turning down the opportunity to play for them in the Nations League in favour of The Republic. Ireland hasn’t seen trouble like this since, well, The Troubles, it can’t be long until we get to Bloody Tsun Dai.
Monday 31 August 2020
Ex-Oxford keeper Paul Kee has shown the same reactions that characterised his time at The Manor in the 1990s. Thirty years after his retirement, he’s reaslised he doesn’t have any pictures of him in action and is looking for anyone who might have some. Sadly, his search may be in vain given that few Oxford fans can recall him ever making a save.
Meanwhile, former Manchester United (reserves) skipper Danny Rose has finally come to his senses and left Swindon for Grimsby Town – known in the trade as a ‘six fingers to fish fingers’ transfer.
Tuesday 1 September 2020
Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie got his A Level results. Due to Boris’ Bogus Algorithm, Dickie didn’t get into Leeds or Newcastle, but will instead study Mid-Table Obscurity at London polytechnic Queens Park Rangers. The fee is said to be undisclosed; which is the value of Rob Dickie minus 75%. But it’s OK, there are add-ons – and when he does pitch in the World Series on Uranus, we’ll be laughing all the way to the bank.
Mange tout, mange tout; Derick Osei Yaw was on target twice down the road at Brentford. The prestige friendly opened the Bees’ new ground; The Stadium of Lego. The 2-2 draw was live streamed on YouTube using, judging by the quality, an iPhone 4 and a lot of LSD.
Wednesday 2 September 2020
Oxford revealed its new orange away kit; or specifically the shade ‘We’re Going to Need a Third Kit, Kerching, Orange’. The shirt is a fitting tribute to the club’s history; and specifically its illustrious Dutch players; Dwight Tiendelli, Brian Wilsterman and Gino van Kessel. It evokes their spirit in that it looks great initially but will only to be used when there are absolutely no other options available.
Thursday 3 September 2020
Like a teenager boasting to his friend that the French teacher’s left breast briefly brushed his arm, KRob eagerly revealed he’s made a bid for a striker. Elsewhere, Tory PR newsletter The Telegraph is reporting that KRob is on the verge of signing a new long-term contract. Our dreams are now haunted by the vision of KRob pulling on a skin tight Oxford shirt and banging them in next season.
Friday 4 September 2020
Tomorrow sees the start of the season with a Type 2 Diabetes Cup Fash the Bash at home to Wimbledon. With no fans present, KRob’s fairly non-plussed about it and will be treating the game like another pre-season friendly. Chins up KRob, we’ll be with you in spirit as the game is being streamed via iFollow. We’ll be backing the team from the first minute to the eighth, then from the seventeenth to the thirty-second without any sound, then we’ll watch fourteen minutes of last seasons EFL Trophy game between Gillingham and Norwich Reserves, then from the sixty-fifth to the seventieth with commentary from the first half…