George Lawrence’s Shorts: Fans-tasy Football League

Saturday 12 December 2020

The Chlamydia Kids, Blackpool, spent ninety minutes fruitlessly banging their balls against the bar on Saturday. It was reminiscent of a character defining weekend GLS had in the Vegas of the North with notorious seafront B&B owner ‘Give me a whirl’ Shirl. The dogged 0-0 draw nearly turned into three points when Jose’s son, John Mousinho’s header was cleared off the line in the last minute

Sunday 13 December 2020

Cowboy Chris Cadden’s career ending decision to move to Columbus Crew a year ago has really come back to bite him. The full-back had the humiliation of lifting the MLS Cup after a 3-0 win over Seattle Sounders on Sunday. Cowboy Chris couldn’t even bring himself to mention the glory days at Oxford United as it was too painful to think about how he’s missed opportunity to play prestige games against the likes of Forest Green Rovers in the Papa John’s Pizza Cup.   

Monday 14 December 2020

Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper has agreed to pack up his orange drainpipes and silver winklepickers and sign for Linfield on loan for the rest of the season so he can sort out some Irish Troubles back home.

Tuesday 15 December

These are strange times indeed, Tuesday’s last minute 1-0 defeat to Northampton Town turned out to be a raucous 4-0 win in front of 2000 fans. Scientists are baffled at the second clean sheet in a row as well as the avalanche of goals. Everyone has been asked to self-isolate as there is a concern this might be the result of a new strain of score-onavirus.

Wednesday 16 December

Northampton boss, Keith Curle gave a physics-defying assessment of his team’s performance last night giving them a roasting after he said they ‘melted’. Curle then went all Oscar Wilde in overpriced branded sportswear by adding “I don’t ‘feel’ that players let me down” he said theatrically waving a handkerchief and giving a wry smile, “I know they did”.

Thursday 17 December 

GLS’ favourite statistical virgins FiveThirtyEight, named after the time their mum puts them down for a nap, have predicted where we’ll finish at the end of the season. They’re anticipating a thrilling 12th place finish for KRob’s Super Yellows; be still my throbbing broadband connection.

The transfer window opens in a few weeks, and we’ve been linked with Barnsley winger Luke Thomas. Some fans might question why we need another winger after signing nineteen in the summer. KRob is one step ahead of us as all the other available League 1 wingers are stuck in the back of a truck at customs in Calais.

Friday 18 December 2020

With no game on Saturday, we need a bit of fun to lighten the mood. The Football League World website are nothing if not rigorous in their research. They’ve listed six celebrities who support Oxford United including Timmy Mallett, Woody Harrelson, who once nursed a hangover through a game three years ago, and a cardboard cutout of Prince Harry. 

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Oxblogger is a blog about Oxford United.

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