Saturday 22 July
Oxford’s summer tour of under-achieving Championship perennials continued with the visit of Birmingham City. Pre-match talk was of the surprise inclusion of Swansea’s Luciano Narsingh. As players stared at the bench saying thing like ‘You know, it doesn’t look like him’ and ‘To be honest, I don’t know who you’re talking about’ we conceded two goals from which we never recovered thereby confirming our relegation next May. Turns out “Luciano” was actually his inferior brother Furdjel, who is very similar in that he’s also a player we at GLS have never heard of. It’s like that time we were all confused about whether it was Simon or Ross Weatherstone that was the nasty violent racist.
Tuesday 25 July
In a deal slower than John Lundstram breaking out of midfield, Lungey finally put pen to paper and signed for Sheffield United. Some will argue that joining Chris Wilder is more rash than the two-footed challenge that ruled him out of the JPT final in 2016. The fee, originally mooted to be around £500,000 was coquettishly described by the club as ‘undisclosed but attractive‘ which suggests £78 and a poster of Scarlett Johansson.
Fans were disgusted at how Darryl ‘Evil’ Eales was replacing free-transfer John Lundstram from Everton with free-transfer Xemi from foreign no-marks Barcelona. What is it that Eveals is hiding behind his smokescreen of giant killings, derby wins, Wembley visits and promotion?
Wednesday 26 July
To appease the pitchfork waving locals and their grotesquely over-inflated expectations, the club rapidly announced that 64-year-old former Newcastle defender Mike Williamson had signed after temping at the club over the summer. Williamson’s not here to to hang out with Faz and talk about Jackie Milburn over an extra strong Yorkshire tea with two sugars. ‘I’m here to win things’ he said enviously eyeing Jack Stevens’ discarded Oxfordshire Senior Cup runners’-up medal.
Thursday 27 July
Oxvox, a kind of club for the unreasonably entitled, circulated a series of fans’ personal subjective observations, phrased as universally agreed facts and presented as questions to Darryl Eveals. Naturally, every word uttered by Eveals to challenge fans’ groundless uniformed opinion were all categorical, well evidenced and reasonably phrased lies. This is just typical of the man whose dastardly doings include making the club profitable while increasing the playing budget only 300% in three years. We are the fans and therefore we are always right; Eveals, whatever you’re doing, and let’s face it, we don’t know what that is but it’s probably bad despite the evidence to the contrary; we’re on to you.
Meanwhile, Curtis Nelson was made the club’s new head-prefect and milk monitor responsible for ensuring that flip flops are always worn in the shower. This news undoubtedly gave grimacing Oxford skipper-sniffer Chris Wilder a funny feeling in his trousers.
Friday 28 July
One of the nice things about pre-season is the opportunity for big clubs like us to visit smaller clubs to help fill the coffers. Hence the reason Oxford will visit Leeds United on Saturday for the final friendly before the big day next week. It’s particularly poignant for Kemar Roofe who is looking forward to facing some familiar Oxford faces but will ultimately be disappointed to find none are left.