Saturday 15 July
They don’t have sun in Hull, which is why they cowered at the thought of what the great fireball in the sky might do to them in Portugal. As players huddled in groups looking to the heavens saying things like ‘is it me or is that thing getting closer?’ Wes ‘tap in’ Thomas, scored two trademark close range goals in a 2-1 win. Our unbeaten Portugese adventure all but confirming our promotion to the Championship next May.
Monday 17 July
Professional grudge magnet Chris Wilder tabled a £500,000 bid for John Lundstram. Lunny has played over a 100 attractive free-flowing games for Oxford in two years, so it might be a relief to take a break from that for a year or two. Twitter was disgusted at the derisory fee on the basis that Kyle Walker’s just signed for Manchester City for £54m. Using a not entirely clear logic involving comparing apples with bananas, Lunny must be worth at least, depending on who you ask, half or twice that much. This is true; HS2 is costing £42bn and that can’t ding a forty yard crossfield pass beyond Rochdale’s defence for shit.
Tuesday 18 July
The Oxford Mail did an interview with PClot in which he tells us that he likes heavy metal, full backs bombing on and that he would choose the Flammulated owl if he ever went to Hogwarts, or something. He wouldn’t reveal the most famous person on his mobile phone which means it’s either Garry Monk’s mum or several prominent members of ISIS.
Yes, it was that quiet a day until it was announced that we’d signed someone called Xemi from Barcelona, who appears to be a Spanish Danny Rose or the Hispanic Yemi depending on which Twitter joke you prefer. Xemi claims the move is a dream come true, as a boy back in Catalonia he idolised Matt Murphy and was teased by his friends for trying to emulate his hero by missing open goals and generally getting the blame for everything.
Wednesday 19 July
Apart from professionally organised defences, the most notable absence in the 3-4 goal monsoon against Brentford was the absence of John Lundstram. Afterwards, the club all but confirmed that he’s heading for Sheffield United. So riled by Michael Appleton’s claim that Oxford were the best League 2 team in 2016, Chris Wilder seems to be going all R Kelly and luring Oxford players into an abusive sex cult.
Thursday 20 July
It’s the day they’re calling Oxford’s Hiroshima. Not only is Lundstram going, but the player who nobody has heard hide nor hare of since May and applauded the crowd against Shrewsbury in a gesture which screamed ‘Bye I’m signing for another club’ actually then had the audacity to sign for another club. Yep, Chris Maguire has gone to Bury. It’s OK fellas, we survived Danny Hylton going to Luton, we’ll get through this.