George Lawrence’s Shorts: The Artell of the Deal

Saturday 10 October 2020

Thirty-one shots and sloppy at the rear? That’s not just a night out with GLS’ bae squad, it’s the story of our defeat to Gillingham on Saturday. Oxford suffered their third loss in four games to fatberg Steve Evans’ latest charges. Star of the show was former loanee lollipop merchant Jordan Graham who made one and scored one. 

Sunday 11 October 2020

Like some wholesome Disney film where a kid lives in a sewer and befriends a talking fatberg, Steve Evans has been chatting about his team’s win on Saturday. Evans lives in a parallel universe; for example, there was that time he lived in a world where the law didn’t apply to him. So, it’s no real surprise to hear him spaffing on about how young and inexperienced his team are compared to the multi-millionaires in the Oxford team.

Monday 12 October 2020

If you go to the KRob palatial family home, standing pride of place in the grand entrance hall is a painting. In it, KRob is stood stripped to the waist, wearing just riding boots and green corduroy jodhpurs. In one blooded hand is the carcass of a hare he’s caught with his bare hands. In the other he is gently cupping the chin of a great stag. All of this is set against the great vista of the Milton Keynes glens, you know, the ones near Hobbycraft. The painting is mesmerising and you fear taking your eyes off it. Don’t fear Project Big Picture, says KRob

Tuesday 13 October 2020

Crewe didn’t turn up to play football.

Wednesday 14 October 2020

Good ventilation is key to reducing coronavirus infections, which is why the transfer window is still open. Round the clock football website Football 24/7 claims that we were in a race to sign Wolves striker Niall, is it Niall or Niall, Ennis. Sadly Ennis has decided he can’t play in Oxford’s seventeen striker formation and so has signed for Doncaster instead.

Thursday 15 October 2020

It was the Six Minute Thirty-Eight Second Fans’ Forum with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. McWilliams was asked why Crewe didn’t turn up on Tuesday (he didn’t know), why games are kicking off at 7pm (it let’s Liam Kelly get to bed in a good time for school the next day) and The Big Picture (at least it was a plan, which is a bit like saying at least the Holocaust was a plan). Inevitably, he was asked about the stadiumsituation at which point McWilliams told Jerome to ‘fuck off’. 

(He didn’t) 

In football, Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper who’d been invited over for a sleepover with the Northern Ireland squad this week, was on the bench for their game against Norway. Which, in these days of social distancing, actually means in the stand, which is where he also pointlessly spent the last two games.

Friday 16 October 2020

We’re heading into the mouth of the revenge tiger on Saturday as we visit Peterborough. We’ll go with new loan signing QPR winger Olamide Shopido, which also happens to be the line which clinched GLS’ National Skat Singer of the Year title in 2002. ‘He’s unpredictable’ says Karl Robinson, so perhaps he’ll unpredictably play in the back-four this weekend.

Very credible Covid superspreader Crewe manager David Artell has been talking calmly about the game HIS CLUB CALLED OFF, blaming it on KRob. Artell’s argument is that his team were given the all clear (the day after the game was scheduled to be played) before calmly referencing the KGB and Stasi coming to the training ground. Dave, you OK hun?

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Oxblogger is a blog about Oxford United.

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