Saturday 3 October 2020
Last week a person literally called DeAnne Lorraine speculated that Donald Trump catching coronavirus could be a state sponsored assassination attempt by China. This kind of wacko conspiracy theory is usually associated with people like David Icke. Now, we don’t think Icke is the son of god, that’s obviously Elliot Jackson, but we’ll always have time for a former Oxford goalie. Coronavirus is a high contagious respiratory virus particularly affecting the elderly and infirm and so we can think of no more credible reason why Crewe manager David Artell drove his team to the Kassam knowing his squad had been exposed to the virus on Saturday than he was undertaking a direct assassination attempt on Nick Harris.
Sunday 4 October 2020
News reached us that Bristolians Ben Selfe and his three year old son Felix have created a marble run which, he says, aims to predict the outcome of the football season. It turns out that, according to the marbles rolling down a slope in a largely random fashion, we’re destined for relegation. Now, if that sounds like a lot of effort for nine seconds of enjoyment you’d be right, but the EFL have enquired about the system in preparation for any promotion and relegation calculations needed in the event of another lockdown.
Monday 5 October 2020
Hacks at the Grimsby Telegraph took a break from fish-based scoops to report that Crewe will be investigated about the assassination attempt on Nick Harris, just 48 hours after super spreader Dave Artell said that there would be no sanctions. The ever decisive EFL have waded in and promised to bring justice just as soon as they’ve finished watching this bloke drinking cranberry juice, riding a long board, singing to Fleetwood Mac on TikTok.
Tuesday 6 October 2020
There was another edition of Tuesday Night Penalties Club as an approximation of Bristol Rovers faced an approximation of Oxford United in the EFL Trophy for a place in the, honestly, we’ve no idea. Rovers took the lead before Le Cowboy Derick jumped on his Osei shouted ‘Yea, Yaw!’, or something, and rode into town to grab a last minute equaliser. This was just minutes after Jack Stevens had saved a penalty that would have put Rovers 2-0 up. The game went to penalties, because nobody could decide who won the sausages in the meat raffle, with Cameron Brannagain, again, scoring the decisive spot kick.
Wednesday 7 October 2020
You can’t knock David Artell, as in you can’t smash him in the face with a saucepan and expect him to know what’s making his nose bleed. Having exposed his team to a potentially deadly respiratory illness, he’s shocked to find that two more players have caught a potentially deadly respiratory illness. Despite this set back, no potentially deadly respiratory illness is going to stop him still preparing his team for their game on Saturday. “I cannot see any reason [including the existence of a potentially deadly respiratory illnesses amongst those in his charge] why the game cannot take place.” he said.
Meanwhile, Zaki The Unstoppable Sense Machine has decided to step down as vice-chairman. Zaki is known for his open and level headed communication with fans and his dedication to Oxford United as both a football club and asset to the community, proving that he really isn’t cut out for a role in owning a football club.
Thursday 8 October 2020
It was the Eight Minute Fans’ Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with KRob. With it being Mental Health Awareness Day, he was supposed to be joined by Mrs KRob who is a mental health advisor. Sadly she wasn’t able to make it, therefore leaving the question ‘Is constantly asking about the stadiumsituation a sign of a mental health episode?’ unanswered. Instead, KRob answered questions about the six players at the club who have partners that are pregnant. It shows, he said, what kind of atmosphere there is around the club. A horny one? One which in a few months will debate whether they’d rather sleep with the presenter I Can Cook or Poe from the Teletubbies? Or whether or not they’d let Mr Tumble babysit their children?
Friday 9 October 2020
Oxford head to fatberg Steve Evans’ Gillingham tomorrow. Kick-off has been brought forward to 1pm in order to get the season done before Evans, who ticks every at-risk category for coronavirus, is struck down. For those who are worried, everyone is planning to stay socially distanced from the Gills manager, as they have for the last couple of decades.
Not that any of this will bother glovesman Simon Eastwood, who revealed that his interest in football is limited to what happens on the pitch. “I’m a Broadchurch kind of guy.” said Sensible Simon, a chat up line that needs a bit of polish “Or something on Channel 4.” Ooh, get him all la-di-da with his endless reruns of Come Dine With Me. What’s he going to claim next? That he reads books and knows who Keir Starmer is? Not exactly Billy Turley, is he?