George Lawrence’s Shorts: Keeping up with the Caddashians

Saturday 28 September 2019

It was so easy against Steve Evans’ Gillingham on Saturday, it was like stealing candy from a baby. Mmm, candy. Oxford scored two lucky goals from James Henry and Matty Taylor before Henry stuck another one in the onion-bag, just for luck. Mmm, onions. Bloaty McBloatface was magnanimous enough to recognise that his team were absolutely battered. Mmm, batter.

Monday 30 September 2019

Clearly playing on his mind while eating his fridge on Saturday night; the Lord of Lard has apologised to Gillingham fans for his team’s first-half mashing on Saturday. Mmm, mash. It was a rare moment of contrition, so rare he claimed that they were unlucky not to win the second half. Yes Steve, and you’re a likeable chap who everybody thinks is the dog’s bollocks. Mmm, dog’s bollocks.

Tuesday 1 October 2019

As we all know Oxford United fans are special, and they don’t come much more special than brainiac Matthew Simms, who this week was sentenced to 90 hours community work, fined over £600 and banned from going to football for five years for running on the pitch after last year’s ChickenTrade Trophy game at Cheltenham. This is a bit like the time GLS was caning it on four LSD tabs and two bottles of Jack Daniels at Auntie Joan’s eightieth birthday luncheon.

Wednesday 2 October 2019

Massive news for the club as it announced WE ARE GOING TO OWN* OUR OWN GROUND** SOON***

Meanwhile Chris Cadden is becoming the break out reality star of Oxford United’s season. After last week’s revelations about living in Bicester Village and his inability to do his own washing, we now know how much he’s earning. It’s been revealed that Cadden is taking home a cool $56k a year as an employee of Columbus Crew. This makes him the lowest paid player in their squad; as Puff Daddy once said; it’s all about the Benjamins, just not as many as you’d think.

* manage
** training ground
*** probably

Thursday 3 October 2019

Zaki the Unstoppable Sense Machine was on the Six Minute Thirty Six Second Fans Forum on Thursday. There was plenty of hot ‘situation’ chat about the training ground situation, the car park situation – whether having the biggest in the country was big enough and – the pub situation. There was also a question about reality star Chris Cadden, and whether he will be commissioned for a second season. Zaki was tight lipped because we’re all still pretending that Cadden’s loan is a legit deal, and not a way of avoiding paying compensation to Motherwell. 

Friday 4 October 2019

Former Oxford striker and professional pillock Dean Saunders has had his jail sentence for drink driving over-turned and replaced with a different sentence for drink driving. His QC claimed Saunders felt humiliated by the sentence, no surprise to anyone who has heard the humiliation of any sentences coming from Deano. “He rapidly went from icon to laughing stock” or iconic drunk driver to laughing stock drunk driver, which, for GLS, is the only kind of drunk driver.

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