Monday 6 May
KRob will need a bit of a sit down after his trip to Luton at the epic conclusion of this season’s blockbuster saga we call: Shambles: Endgame. Shod of his patent black puffa jacket, a fashion statement not seen since Kevin and Perry Go Large, he was quick to condemn Luton fans who celebrated their promotion on Saturday by slinging a smoke bomb into the Oxford end. KRob, ever one to set a good example, would have preferred them to follow his lead on how to conduct oneself during a promotion party by simply smacking someone in the chops.
Tuesday 7 May
Luton Town striker George Moncur apologised for taunting Oxford fans after scoring his team’s first goal on Saturday. Moncur magnanimously acknowledged that the Oxford fans doing nothing wrong, had done nothing wrong. His apology rang somewhat hollow when admitting he just can’t help himself in that ‘Oops! I did it again’ way Britney Spears did when coquettishly describing how she accidentally keeps dressing as a dirty old man’s wet dream.
Meanwhile, if we ever needed a reminder that we’re no longer in the era of John Durnin and Billy Whitehurst, in ‘I beg your pardon?’ news, the club tweeted its collective allegiance to King Maha Vajiralongkorn of Thailand. The newly coronated king recently announced that his security detail would become his new queen; we look forward to Tiger persuading the consort to take the Kassam Stadium into her portfolio and allow The Yellow Ultras banners back into the East Stand.
Wednesday 8 May
Like Cheers or The Simpsons, Oxford United have launched a spin-off show which threatens to be funnier than the original. The latest episode of the new show – The Oxford United Board – aired yesterday following the successful pilot episode; Whose Tax Bill Is It Anyway? and yesterday’s season opener The King and I.
This episode, entitled Filthy Rich and Cat Flap, focussed on the new board, and went something along the lines of something something great fans, something something great city, hey, why not watch this video about how eye wateringly rich Anindya Bakrie is. Classic.
Thursday 9 May
It’s happened! Transfer Christmas! Yes, it’s the day clubs announce, in the most public way possible, which players they’re making redundant. Alan Shearer’s brother Scott, spellcheck’s Fiarce Kelleher, Donegal’s finest Jon O’Bika, Cheltenham Charlie Raglan, Jonte ‘angle’ Smith have all been given the old heave-ho by KRob. They all leave with our best wishes for the… yeah whatever.
Curtis Nelson and The Aylesbury Ashley Young, Rob Hall, have been offered new contracts, Jose’s son, John Mousinho and Son of God, Jack Stephens have had their sentences, sorry, contracts, extended.
Friday 10 May
Like the time GLS ate that four day old paella, Oxford United endured an unfortunate Spanish incident a couple of years ago when it hired Pep Clotet as manager. It all passed in a blur of Dwight Tiendellis, but one little Spanish aberration has been largely forgotten.
For a short while, Xemi Hernandez was going to be our Lionel Messi, but after becoming hacked off by those uniquely British affectations like running and tackling, he ended up back home at Lleida in the Spanish 3rd division. On Tuesday, he decided to bunk off work to see the aforementioned Messi spend 90 minutes looking bewildered in Anfield during Liverpool’s epic comeback in the Champions League. His indiscretion was rumbled when he was seen on TV, resulting in a fine from his promotion seeking club.
Back home, there is no more evocative fixture in our history than Oxford United versus QPR. Yes, the game that’s best known as being the Peter Hucker derby will be re-run as a friendly in July.
Saturday 11 May
KRob is in Scotland looking for players, while others are in France and Spain, apparently there’s a ball playing midfielder in the Spanish third division who may be looking for a new club. Faz has made up a double portion cheese sandwiches for his trip to Ireland, because he won’t touch that funny foreign food they eat.
Back home, when GLS’ creepy uncle comes for Christmas, he shuts his eyes, goes to his happy place and prays the door handle doesn’t click in the dead of the night. That happy place is 2016 when everything was rosey and there was no such thing as Agon Mehmeti. So, on Saturday, GLS got that funny feeling in his trousers watching 2016 alumnus Kemar Roofe smashing in the winner for Leeds in the Championship play-off semi-final against Derby.
Later on, Wondertroll Chris Maguire larruped in the winner for Sunderland against Portsmouth while Max Crocombe was on the bench for plucky underdogs Salford City, as they won promotion to the Football League. It just goes to show that all you need is a dream and a billion pounds to make it in life.