George Lawrence’s Shorts – crushed dreams, injured bottles, mechanised killing

Monday 16 October 2017
Like a droplet hanging on the end of a leaf or the light chill of morning air, it’s the simple things that give us greatest pleasure. Just like the distant clacking of porcelain balls with two disemboweled voices announcing ties for the FA Cup 1st Round.


So, it is essential these delicate joys are crushed into dust, drowned in cliches and sold to the highest bidder. The magic of the Cup was rammed down our gullet with a cudgel on Monday, it brought heavily branded Magic aplenty as we were drawn away to the only team named after a faux-rustic supermarket in-house brand of spam; Port Vale.

Tuesday 17 October 2017
Oopsy, poor old Michael Appleton’s career revival may be on hold, his old mucker at Leicester City, Craig Shakespeare has been given the old heave-ho by his Thai paymasters. Mr Big Guns has been put in charge on a temporary basis while the owners figure out which glamorous foreign big name has-been they’ll bring in on far too much money to fire him.

Meanwhile, back in the present, I’m Ribiero popped up on the back stick to drive home the equaliser against Wor Jackie Charlton Athletic

Wednesday 18 October 2017
Gino van Kessel is currently undergoing ‘preventative’ treatment for injuries he’s yet to sustain. GLS isn’t sure exactly what that is, but we’re sure the cast he’s wearing to fix the broken leg he’ll acquire in reckless tackle against Oldham in 2021 is certain to work.
 
Thursday 19 October 2017
Faz had to raid the change jar to pay his fine to the FA for slinging a bottle up in the air in celebration of a goal by Scuttling Joe Rothwell against Peterborough. His defence was presented in a letter to the aged misogynists at Lancaster Gate. In it, Faz offered to racially abuse a black female international footballer if they promised to let him off. The dusty scrotes were very tempted, but felt they couldn’t ignore his heinous crime. The family of the plastic bottle damaged in the incident have released a statement commending the action taken.

Friday 20 October 2017
Hipsters’ choice Josh Ruffels has sent shockwaves through wearers of neck tattoos everywhere by signing a mainstream deal with the club through to 2020. Ruffels said it was a ‘dream’ to play for the club he grew up watching at the Manor which was demolished several years before he reached puberty.

Saturday 21 October 2017
It was Mechanised Mass Killing Machine Day at the Kassam on Saturday where we celebrate people systematically de-humanised through rigorous marching. This was the only sign of anything resembling an organised defence as we played out a ding dong 3-3 draw with goals from the newly minted Hipsters’ Choice Josh Ruffels, Teeny Tiny Jack Payne and Are Leader Curtis Nelson.

Monday 23 October 2017
The man Twitter extended its character limit for – Sumrith Thanakarnjanasuth – was in the stand for the game of It’s A Knockout on Saturday. The man they call Tiger has been prowling the directors’ box at the Kassam for a few weeks now, which has given teen soothsayer Oxbible a funny feeling in his trousers.

Tuesday 24 October 2017
Future Banbury Town top scorer Shandon Baptiste is celebrating being called up by Grenada for their friendly with hat, canal and cigar enthusiasts Panama. Shandon joined every other Oxford player interviewed by the Oxford Mail over the last 3 months in describing his experience as ‘a dream’.

Thursday 26 October 2017
Les Robinson’s Lestimonial launched with a golf day for a couple of ex-pros and some fans who should really be at work, while challenging situational art pranksters the Yellow Army have announced that they will be having an away day at home next month against Northampton. No, we don’t know what that means either.

Friday 27 October 2017
It’s all AA memberships and prostate adverts in the urinals on Saturday as Oxford travel to Fleetwood Services. Dwight Tiendelli is set for a start, which is timely because he’s due another spell on the sidelines starting next Tuesday.

Saturday 28 October 2017
Nothing doing at the Services as we fell to two late goals. Still, a packet of overpriced pork scratchings and a bottle of strawberry Yazoo made for a long journey home.

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