George Lawrence’s Shorts – Calientabancas, Thanakarnjanasuth and Vinnie the Ninny

Monday 2 October 2017
PClot has invented a new parlour game; How Long Can I Make An Answer When A Simple Yes Will Do? (working title). On Saturday he won by answering the question ‘is that the best you’ve played this season?’ with: “When we analyse it from the point of view of the attitude, the mentality, the resilience of facing a tough situation and keep believing in your principles, yes.”

Assist machine Teeny Tiny Jack Payne was never concerned about our dip in form; “It’s not like we’ve been getting destroyed by teams” he said, after three games in which we’ve been getting destroyed by teams.

Meanwhile, with a level of conviction not seen since Matt Day claimed eating four doughnuts a day was due to a religious awakening, Calientabancas extraordinaire Xemi revealed that he flew home at the weekend to watch his granny getting beaten by armed police in the Catalonia independence election.

Tuesday 3 October 2017
GLS hates the Checkatrade Trophy, mostly because erstwhile podcasters the Fence End Pod have already come up with the best joke about the games being ‘behind closed doors friendlies’. Tuesday saw the arrival of Brighton Juniors to get some real life experience of the intimidating banks of empty seats at the Kassam. We say ‘saw’; nobody actually saw it.

The most notable thing about the game was that even teamsheet-hogger Simon Eastwood couldn’t be bothered to hang out between the sticks, thereby breaking a sequence of 75 consecutive first team games. The final result? Apparently we lost a 1-1 draw.

Before the game, el Bambino, Rob Hall was awarded player of the round which wasn’t, actually, a round, but merely an initial set of games of a league format. But, when did the Checkatrade ever pretend to make sense?

Wednesday 4 October 2017
Faz isn’t happy; he hasn’t been this angry since his wife burnt his favourite steak and kidney pie. He’s been fined for throwing a bottle into the crowd at Peterborough. The daft sod didn’t mean to do it, flinging it over his head when we scored. A bit like the time he thought it’d be funny to give his granddaughter a scare by dangling her over the stairwell and she broke three ribs. He’ll be contesting the action with the same vigour that he contested that charge for the ‘intimate couples kit’ he got when searching the mini-bar for a packet of Hob Nobs at the Holiday Inn that time.

To make matters worse, Agon Mehmeti has joined the Oxford United Strikers’ Club in a secret initiation ceremony where you roll your trouser leg up and have a cast put on it.

In whimsical happy place in dark times news, Candice Carrol muffins didn’t rise against Azerbaijan in the U19 Euro qualifier, as he was sent-off in a dank 0-0 draw 

Thursday 6 October 2017
Now Oxford Mail is reporting that Sumrith Thanakarnjanasuth has been linked with the club. Of course, ‘linked’ could also mean ‘mentioned by teen soothsayer Oxbible last week’. These are exciting times, Mr Thanakarnjanasuth’s interest in Oxford  comes after he walked away from Reading because he couldn’t fund them in the Championship. We don’t know much about corporate finance, but he sounds just the man we need to fund us in the Championship.

Friday 5 October 2017
AFC Wimbledon travel to the Kassam from Milton Keynes on Saturday. The Ugly Gang will be channeling Fash the Bash and Vinnie the Ninny now they’re a fully fledged modern day phoenix club run by fans for fans on Corinthian principles. The Wombles have redefined how football clubs should be run; buying their ground from impoverished non-league tenants to flog for a big profit to a club fattened by satellite TV money and run by a Russian oligarch. What a story, it’s like that time MK Dons threw that club from London under a bus to secure their long term future; a true return to the innocent days of yore. 

Saturday 6 October 2017
If being a modern football club means you have to stand aside and watch your opponents outplay you, it’s all a bit recherché for us. We concluded the week with a 3-0 with a not so tap-in from Tap-In Thomas, a goalinhio from Ricardinho while Xemi declared independence from the bench to smash home the third. What a Crazy Gang.

This week’s further reading

The wrap – we need to talk about Josh Ruffels
Maths of the Day – September – short term tumble 

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Oxblogger is a blog about Oxford United.

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