Monday 25 September 2017
“Sometimes you take two steps back and three steps forward”, said PClot post-Walsall, who clearly hasn’t seen Charlotte Hawkins dance on Strictly. He’s identified that our current difficulties could be due to a lack of experience in midfield saying “I think our average age in the middle is 22”; we may have 99 problems, but an impressive grasp of our two times table ain’t one.

Gino van Kessel’s run in the first team has grabbed the attention of Curaçao who have called him up for to fall over a lot against those upstanding human rights fellows, Qatar. If the name rings a bell, it’s either because Curaçao is the home of the Jedi Council in Star Wars or you’ve been encouraged by their Wikipedia page which has a section under ‘Economy’ dedicated to prostitution. He’ll miss our relegation six-pointer against Wimbledon, although you might argue he’d miss it even if he was playing. 

Tuesday 26 September 2017
The team ventured north to face Chris Maguire featuring Bury and were downed by goals from Chris Maguire, Chris Maguire’s team mate Darren Beckford and Chris Maguire’s other team mate Michael Smith in a 3-0 win for Chris Maguire featuring Bury. Afterwards Chris Maguire said he was shocked that a Chris Maguire-less Oxford United capitulated in a way that no Oxford United that featured Chris Maguire ever would.

As Radio Oxford tried to pull their microphone away, Bury winger, Chris Maguire, crocodile tears pouring down his face, opened up about the painful break-up with the love of his life; attention seeking Oxford United. During the summer he walked until his feet were stumps just to get to the Kassam and would have signed if only they’d shown just a little bit of interest and more money once in a while. 

Thursday 28 September 2017
Jose Mousinho doesn’t know why we keep losing shaking his head theatrically while surreptitiously pointing at Scuttlin’ Joe Rothwell and Brexit Tory Ryandrea Ledson who were building Lego spaceships in the corner of the dressing room.

Remember teenage oracle OxBible? He’s broken the news that we could be taken over by health drink specialists Carabao. Using little more than the power of his own imagination, apparently Sumrith Thanaknjnansuth, which also happens to be what was spelt out when GLS dropped his box of Scrabble down the stairs last week, is in the market for the club. It’s true that some foreign types were seen in the executive box on Saturday, described by the bloke in front of GLS as ‘a couple o’chinks’. We’re certain that casual racism and our performance against Walsall convinced Mr Thanaknjnansuth to part with billions from his sugary gotten gains.

Friday 29 September 2017
Westeros international Agon Mehmeti is in contention for a start against Peterborough on Saturday if he can be bothered to play. Mehmeti says he’s surprised at the intensity of training at the club and the fact that you have to be at the training ground ‘all the time’. We can all accept the job title ‘full-time professional footballer’ is somewhat ambiguous in that respect.

The hipsters’ choice Josh Ruffles Ruffels is confident that we’ll turn around our current form. He’s hopeful for a good result on Saturday. He just didn’t say which Saturday that might be.

Star baker Candice Carrol will be unwrapped from his cotton wool when he joins up with the Irish U19s again for a European Championship Qualifying mini tournament. Candice will miss cake week against Brighton Juniors in the Checkatrade and the technical challenge of Wimbledon. He’s not that bothered, because he likes the showstopper that is international football.

Saturday 30 September 2017  
If the hipsters’ choice Josh Ruffles Ruffels keeps going like this; fixed wheel, chai latte drinking bearded millenials everywhere will be disowning him as a bit mainstream. Ruffles Ruffels got the equaliser in a scorching second-half performance against Peterborough. Scuttling’ Joe, Tap-in Thomas and even lazy sod Agon Mehmeti weighed with goals for a 4-1 win.

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