George Lawrence’s Shorts – Gunned down

Monday 18 September 2017
Most people come back from a weekend in Blackpool with hazy memories, a worrying discolouring and an overwhelming sense of regret. That certainly seems to be the case with PClot who feels that we should have been riding seaside donkeys rather than them riding us on Saturday. 102-year-old Mike Williamson thinks we’re naive, but then everyone’s naive when you’ve experienced everything from the Bore War to the moon landings. Henry James’ James Henry thinks his goal is meaningless, dramatically throwing it in the bin then secretly removing the sanitary towels and mouldy banana skins to fish it back out again when everyone’s backs are turned.

Mass departures at the club as a whole team of Andy Whing’s (featuring 1 x Andy Whing) has left to coach Junior Bake-Off pie specialists, Kidderminster Harriers’ U23 team. Like Michael Appleton before him, Whing has been looking for ways to regress his coaching career and looks forward to his new charges being invited to join whatever the Checkatrade Trophy version of the FA Vase is.  

Tuesday 19 September 2017
Having previously taken the team karting, PClot has now taken them to an army camp for a bit of team bonding. The Oxford Mail were at pains to stress this was booked far in advance of the gubbing we received at the hands of Blackpool on Saturday. It seems only Malcolm Shotton thought waterboarding was a legitimate way to punish defensive lapses.

Wednesday 20 September 2017
Andy Whing (remember him?) announced that two days after leaving Oxford United his dream job is to work for Oxford United. One day he wants to manage the team, apparently, and we’re sure that coaching Kidderminster Harriers U23s puts him in the perfect position to do just that.

Thursday 21 September 2017
It’s been a quiet week in this business we call news, so the opportunity for media hacks to come up with all manner of war-related puns from the squad’s field trip to Gibraltar Barracks has been something of a relief. Among them was a picture of Ryan Ledson standing next to a tank, which was actually a tractor and Oxford’s own Idiniho – Ricardiniho smiling maniacally with a semi-automatic weapon. Nobody has looked this happy with a killing machine since Kim Jong Un got his latest copy of Readers’ Wives’ Nuclear Weapons.

Agon Mehmeti has cast off his bear skin cape and traveled south from The Night’s Watch. He’s in contention for a place for the visit of Walsall on Saturday. Apparently he’s impressed because according to the Oxford Mail he was ‘shooting down an army side’ this week. Expect to see his face featuring on some Britain First propaganda soon.

Friday 22 September 2017
Fearsome midlanders Walsall arrive at the Kassam tomorrow looking for their first away win since Mike Williamson was a boy. Manager John Whitney is ready for the game, he’s been watching us for years and has a tailored plan to nullify the threat of Jon Narbett. Whitney, who wants to dance with somebody and will always love us, may have been back on the Class A’s with Bobby Brown judging by his assessment of our squad. He’s identified defensive midfielder Joe ‘two goals in two home games’ Rothwell and the vast experience of ageing 20 year old Ryan ’57 league appearrnces’ Ledson  as key threats. Despite losing left, right and centre, he feels his team really showed their quality in beating West Brom Kindergarten XI in the Checkatrade. See. Straws. Clutch. Straws. Straws. Everywhere.

Saturday 23 September 2017
No YOU eat some humble pie. PClot said he learnt a lot from taking the squad away to an army barracks to pose for PR shots with semi-automatic weaponry. Hopefully one of those lessons is that it may have been more useful to spend some time with a football, or at least introducing the players to each other, or maybe even teaching van Kessel-Run to stand up for more than 2 minutes at a time. Whitney’s Walsall had One Moment in Time as his side surged to a 2-0 lead. Brexit Tory Ryan ‘Andrea’ Ledson pulled one back setting us up for a grandstand finish. Didn’t We Almost Have It All in the last few minutes? No. No we didn’t.

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