George Lawrence’s Shorts – Pepperdews and seaside rendez-vous

Monday 11 September 2017
Monday morning brought a mixed bag after the weekend’s triumphs. Jose’s son, John Mousinho described the win over Gillingham as ‘pleasing but not ruthless enough’, which from ‘The Warrior’ sounds pretty sinister. Teeny Tiny Jack Payne is buzzing like a sex toy at his ever growing influence over the team. Injury magnet Christian ‘I’m Ribiero’ Ribiero has an irritating knee, which keeps asking him if he’s alright and talks over films saying ‘this is a really funny bit, listen, shhh, LISTEN’. Donegal’s finest, Jonathan O’Bika hasn’t had the luck of the Irish; he’ll be out for a week with a tight hamstring.

Tuesday 12 September 2017
Life at the top is all in the margins; there was nothing to split Oxford and Bradford on Tuesday beyond the fact no-one from Bradford has ever eaten a pepperdew stuffed with feta cheese. Goals from Tap-in Thomas and Scuttlin’ Joe Rothwell saw us take a point in a 2-2 draw.

Wednesday 13 September 2017
Scuttlin’ Joe wasn’t happy about last night’s last minute equaliser, punching the dugout in frustration. Sorry Joe, in terms of inappropriate acts of aggression you’re going to have to do better than that; have you tried Weartherstoning an Asian taxi driver or Alsopping a child’s bottom with a banana? 

Thursday 14 September 2017
The club, along with fans’ gobshites Oxvox, have issued a strongly worded statement about smoke bombs to a group people with a patchy reputation of listening to committees of middle-aged men. The consequences of said bombs are dire including immediate death, crippling fines and, worst of all, points deductions. Stern stuff; which should have all the resonance of Conservative Councillor condemning teenagers for leaving nitrous oxide canisters in a local beauty spot. In fact, the best way to stop it would be to let a few off in the South Stand Upper and get Peter Rhodes-Brown to raise a chorus of ‘let’s go fucking mental’ before each game. That should have the same impact as the time your mum told you she listens to Skepta because he ‘spits nang bars’. Sadly none of the main culprits have been able to read the statement due to a heady combination of temporary blindness and illiteracy.

Friday 15 September 2017
Gino van Kessel’s run in less than 12 parsecs which saw him score against resting Premier League giants Portsmouth was voted goal of the month for August. Oxford travel north to Blackpool tomorrow without I’m Ribiero, whose knee continues to irritate by posting oblique references to something bad on Facebook in a desperate attempt to attract sympathy while constantly texting ‘where r u?’ when he’s on a night out. PClot is quoted in the Oxford Mail saying that Dwight Tiendelli and, after a rub of the blarney stone, Jon O’Bika could be in the team next Tuesday, which must be heartening to hear, apart from the fact we don’t have a game next Tuesday. PClot’s excited, though, hoping that the 1500 Oxford fans making the trip have “one of those nice British weekends”; ‘one of those’ where you get chlamydia and your mate ends up in prison.

Saturday 16 September 2017
What echoes and smells of seagulls? An intimate part of Jordan’s anatomy? Bloomfield Road? The haunting resonance of lost hope? Probably all those things as Oxford fell apart against abandoned seaside club Blackpool. The Seasiders kissed-us-quick with two early goals before Henry James’ James Henry got the consolation goal in what ended up a 3-1 mullering.

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