Saturday 26 August 2017
Movin’ Johnson looked on from the stands suffering from some sort of mind “injury” as his BFF’s (Best Friends ’til Friday) plodded their way through a dress rehearsal for a game against Shrewsbury they’re presumably planning to play properly at some point in the future. I’m sure it’ll be alright on the night, but it needs work (plot spoiler: it ends in a draw). Afterwards the club launched some very lifelike walking-talking PClot dolls which say things like “we’ll go back to the training ground next week” and “I deal in facts, he’s our player.” when you pull a cord in his back. They’ll be available in the club shop soon.

Monday 28 August 2017
An eagle-eyed tweeter spotted Birmingham born Movin’ Marvin, in actual Birmingham *knowing eyes emoji*. The midlander from Birmingham was pictured having a drink in his hometown with a friend in a bar in the town where he was born which is a relatively short drive away from Oxford where it’s conceivable he doesn’t live anyway. This drink in the town of his birth, Birmingham, is extremely unlikely to be an innocent evening socialising with friends from his hometown in Birmingham on a Bank Holiday weekend, but a clear indication that Movin’s movin’ to Birmin’ham.

Tuesday 29 August 2017
Having already broken one Swede, PClot is back in the market for another one; does he think he’s buying new scissors from Ikea? This time he an admirer of Admir Bajrovic from Osters. Before long we’ll have more rugged Swedes in our physio room than your average organic farm shop.

Those involved in organising the Carabao Cup do their very best to make it the most loathsome competition in the country, but they’re amateurs compared to the Checkatrade Trophy. There’s nothing like a good away day, and, let’s face it, Stevenage on a Tuesday night is nothing like a good away day. We started the proud defence of our runner’s-up title with a 6-2 win; which works out at roughly a goal per attendee. Dwight Tiendelli who made his debut, described it as a night to remember; quite possibly, but not by many.

Wednesday 30 August 2017
Don’t worry, this will all be over soon. Now Movin’ Marvin’s movin’ to another Portuguese village team, Middlesborough, this time in a £3m deal, or £2.5m plus £500,000 of ‘add-ons’; presumably a broken Sega Megadrive, a Ford Cortina and worst of all, a prestige friendly next summer. Or perhaps it’s a £2m deal. Let’s face it, nobody really knows do they?

Thursday 31 August 2017
Right, brace yourselves; in a completely unexpected move, Marv moves to Portugese part-timers Middlesborough. Bids for Chris Cadden from Motherwell and Cobi Jones from Coventry were rejected (or didn’t happen, depending on who you ask). Live bloggers read Twitter to find unsubstantiated rumours, updated live blogs, tweeted they’d updated their live blogs, then read Twitter to find unsubstantiated rumours to update their live blogs for 24 for freakin’ hours. And to think, people died to give us this freedom. PClot took training but didn’t have his phone, which drove his wife mad because he needs to buy some milk on his way home. He did, however, flick through his  Facebook friends and offer Alex Mowatt a year’s loan and sign John Mousinho – son of Manchester United manager Jose – from Burton.

Friday 1 September 2017
Like the morning after a heavy night on a stag do, PClot woke to the feint smell of lager, a pizza slice stuck to his face and unfamiliar bodies everywhere. Jose’s son and Alex Mowatt look set to go straight into the squad as Curtis Nelson is struggling for Saturday which would give Aaron ‘the rumour’ Martin a start against fake-news footballers MK Dons, and nobody wants that, do they?

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