It’s been a long time since I went to a friendly. I went to Billy Hamilton’s testimonial, but left some time before the end. There is probably an entire thesis to be written on the relationship between friendly results and your performance during the season. But, if, like me, you can’t really be bothered with football in July; then please feel free to use my guide to reacting to friendly results.

Defeat or draw to team below you in league
Clearly meaningless. Nice that the lads get to stretch their legs against inferior opposition. The ability to cruise to defeat in this way shows just how good we are – like a sprinter easing up before crossing the line. (Big full-back who was once on Plymouth’s books – working in their ticket office) is rubbish. Always complain at potential leg breaking tackles put down to oppo’s clear nativity, lack of fitness and general low caste.

Win against team below you in the league
Deeply meaningful. Opposition are a decent side who were clearly up for it. Our boys’ ability to turn them over with such ease cements our obvious championship credentials. (lightweight trialist with unpronounceable name playing on the wing) is a genius who should be signed on (but will immediately sign for Abingdon Rovers of the North Abingdon Reserve 3rd Division).

Defeat or draw above you in league
Practically a victory. Looked the better side for the opening six minutes, only difference between the two sides was the hat-trick scored by striker who once slept with Chantelle Houghton from Celebrity Big Brother. Just think what we’d have done to them if every player was on top form and perfectly fit?

Win against team above you in the league
As the opposition drew with the current League Champions in the League Cup two years ago, we are clearly, by default, the true champions of all England. I’m going to cancel my season ticket because winning every week is going to get so boring.

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