Have you ever thought about how odd it is that for some reason we sit and clap in unison as a sign of appreciation or encouragement? The more you think of it, the weirder it seems. Thankfully, Jonny Biscuits has applied some science to the act of clapping at football, and we should all be grateful that he has.

It’s a strange thing we do, as humans, to repeatedly bang our hands together to noisily demonstrate our approval. We usually deploy it at other humans we’ve just witnessed cavorting around in some manner for our entertainment. But what happens when they don’t clap back? 

We’ll answer that all important question and more in the first ever Oxblogger Newsletter’s Notes on Clapping:

1. If there’s anybody who deserves a good old clap, it’s the mascots. But at Oxford United we introduce them to the crowd way too early and there aren’t enough people there yet to create any volume – it feels anticlimactic for their big day.. Also nobody knows it’s happening because they can’t hear Peter Rhoades-Brown’s voice announcing them on the tinny KasStad PA system that Uncle Firoz bought from Argos in 1999.

2. Of course, the sponsors are brought out at the optimum time to be paraded in front of as many people as possible – just the right time to get a good hearty round of applause. They don’t get it of course; nobody wants to clap them because they’re just a bunch of not-very-footbally people on a work jolly getting free booze thanks to the company credit card and they probably all support teams like Liverpool and Chelsea and they say they really respect PSG even though they aren’t fully certain if that’s a team, a player or a league.

3. The players don’t even get a proper clap when they first come out onto the pitch for the warm ups because the only people in the ground at that point are the fifty people who are new to football and don’t know what time you’re supposed to get there.

4. A similar underwhelm takes place when a cast-iron Oxford legend like comes on to pitch for the 50/50 draw and is announced to the fans. It should be a stirring moment of emotion and nostalgia accompanied by a thunderous round of appreciative applause, but they get what could only be described as a mild smattering. Barely a even ripple., Because it’s half time and nobody is paying attention having gone for a pie or a pint or a wee or being too busy trying to get a whiff of a mobile data connection so they can get onto Twitter and complain about the lazy loan players.

5. The only time applause on its own in football can stir real feelings is the standing ovation for a player who is being subbed/stretchered off after a scintillating performance. 

6. A minute’s applause is a great way to commemorate the dead, but it’s a long time to clap for and it hurts your hands and is that really what they would have wanted?

7. The perfect equilibrium of applause and fury occurs when a team regains or retains possession under pressure and manages to smuggle the ball back to the relative safety of the centre-back stood alone in his own half. Precisely 50% of the people around you will clap approvingly, the other 50% will bellow FORWARDS, their faces purple with rage. 

8. Clapping isn’t always good! “Happy clappers” can be used as an insult against supporters who… er… support their team too much.

9. There is no situation under any circumstance where it’s okay for fans of a self-respecting football club to applaud the announcement of the afternoon’s attendance. 
   
10. If the manager and players are morally required and duty-bound to come over and clap us after every game, then it loses all value. Just as it doesn’t have any value when the manager and players are asked by the club media team after every single game how good the fans were… they’re only ever going to say we were brilliant, even when we were rubbish. It would carry much more value if they were never asked. They should offer it up unprompted: “Yes Clive, a 6-0 defeat is a bitter pill to swallow and we were shit tonight, but heavens to betsy the fans kicked up a right old racket all evening – fair play. We definitely made sure we went over and gave them a good clap after that!”

Bonus | The Jonny Biscuits Crossword

Do you think you know what it takes to complete the Johnny Biscuits Oxford United Crossword? Why not try it and beat the clock?