Denis Smith’s autobiography is a masterpiece. The man who had the chutzpah to declare himself a possible future England manager channelled that confidence to eschew all publishing conventions by excluding proofreaders and copyeditors from the authoring process. 

At one point he describes a player who was 5ft 9 inches as dominating players who were ‘six inches tall’. In other places he says Phil Gilchrist was a busy midfielder and that Joey Beauchamp was homesick for the Cotswolds. I mean, I know we didn’t understand his troubles, but nobody foresaw that.

The Sky commentary team for our game against Portsmouth – Andy Bishop and David Phillips – seemed keen to follow a similar approach. A commentator isn’t there to describe the action because we can see that, they’re there to string a coherent story together as the game builds. They give games meaning by adding context and insight, building on pre-match strands – like Josh Murphy facing his former club. As the game progresses, a new story should emerge, a new dimension that you can take into the next game; the commentator’s job is to draw that out.

Sky’s new TV deal boasts, as it always does whenever it’s renewed, more games than ever before. This is a false benefit, sure, you get to see your team more frequently, but unless you’re club-agnostic, 99% of the coverage is as irrelevant to you as it was when it wasn’t on TV.

The result is stretched resources, the commentators don’t appear to be at the game and there’s nobody to pick up the stories that the camera doesn’t see. At half-time, Greg Leigh appeared on the touchline and the Bishop’s response was something like; ‘it’ll be interesting to know who that’s for, I’m sure we’ll find out’. It was the kind of discussion I was having in my living room, and I was on my own.

This was a mild technical blip compared to what had gone before. In the modern game 85% of penalties are scored, when Will Vaulkes was (somewhat harshly) penalised for handball after just four minutes, it looked like the long-feared backlash following Portsmouth’s 6-1 defeat to Stoke was turning into a reality.

Elias Sørensen stepped up, but Jamie Cumming leapt to tip the ball away. It was a magnificent save of lightening reactions and agility. Moments later, with us still under the cosh, one of them said that Cumming was lucky to have saved it. What was the objective? (save the penalty). What did he do? (save the penalty).

This is the kind of linguistic nonsense we expect from commentators who are doing a tricky job. Then, when we finally started to get a foothold in the game, Ruben Rodrigues pulled the ball back to Mark Harris who skewed the ball wide. The Phillips said, ‘that’s what Tyler Goodrham’s all about.’ This is true; how many times have we said, if he can add shapeshifting transmogrification to his game, he’ll be unplayable?

The Portsmouth goal opened a series of new story strands which were largely ignored. Obviously, there was acknowledgement of Josh Murphy’s assist, but John Mousinho had described the game as a must-win; so this goal could have been Portsmouth’s pathway to redemption after their humiliating defeat. Equally, it could be the moment Oxford Championship bubble burst.  

Instead, they drifted into a befuddled ramble, like two old men sitting in a pub talking about the three-day week and the war they didn’t fight in.

After discussing Fratton Park’s enduring charm, the conversation turned to the ‘uniqueness’ of Kassam Stadium. They’re looking to move to a new home, assured the Bishop, ‘There’s a big space around the Kassam, surely they can just build around it’, said Phillips.

Drivel, yes, but this stuff matters, if you choose to, you could now argue that even national broadcasters have questioned why the Kassam can’t be developed. 

The introduction of Louis Sibley offered more olive branches to develop an interesting narrative. Sibley’s been on the margins this season but with Brannagan and McEachran out and Ruben Rodrigues (or maybe it was Tyler Goodrham) tiring, he was brought on. 

Within three minutes he’d made his mark, storming through the middle, his early shot left the keeper rooted to the floor. It was another Des Buckingham masterful substitution, particularly as he’d also just brought on Dane Scarlett, who’d help win the ball in the first place and then powered down the channel dragging the Portsmouth defence away to give Sibley space to attack. 

The commentary occasionally drifted completely off the game, a discussion about Scarlett developed into a diversion into Spurs’ selection policy for their Europa League game against Ferencváros on Thursday. The Bishop had the good grace to try and drag the point back to Scarlett, but the game had moved on.

With Mousinho’s ‘must-win’ declaration revealing the pressure he’s feeling, Portsmouth looked more eager to go for the win. A double Jamie Cumming save (‘he should have done better’, apparently) resulted in Sam Long heroically clearing the ball off the line. ‘Brown’s done so well there.’ Even though Brown was sitting on the floor on the edge of the box having tried to block the shot. This stuff is still on the highlights on Sky’s website.

On it went; a foul on Tyler Goodrham was described as ‘inadvertently being brought down’ and at one point with Buckingham and Mousinho playing out the final moments in a game of four-dimensional chess, the Phillips acknowledged that ‘Managers are worth their weight in souls.’ Which sounds a bit scary.

The central narrative they settled on wasn’t that we continue to build an unlikely case for survival or that Pompey hadn’t won their must-win game, it wasn’t even the contrasting fortunes of two promoting clubs or Mousinho’s return to face his former club. No, the main story here was the battle down right flank between Josh Murphy and Peter Kioso.

It was an intriguing encounter, no doubt; Murphy’s start at Portsmouth hasn’t been a bit stuttering as has Kioso’s at Oxford, but both seem to be hitting their stride. Kioso’s work overlapping Kyle Edwards against Luton was integral to our fightback on Tuesday, and his contribution in containing Murphy was no less impressive.

As it evolved into a gladiatorial battle, the two commentators evolved the argument that they obviously knew each others’ game from playing together at Oxford. Except, that clearly didn’t happen. Murphy and Kioso’s time at Oxford overlapped by a single day, which happened before pre-season.

It didn’t stop them talking, with some authority, about their friendship and how much they’d trained together. Day-in, day-out, apparently. They knew each other’s game inside out. They were brothers in arms, it was a story as old as time, it was the work of complete fiction. Ten months ago Kioso and Murphy spent one half of a football match together on a pitch. Beyond that, their paths never seem to have crossed. 

I suppose we need to get used to this, even Sky’s bottomless money pit can only stretch so far. Maybe when the next deal comes round, the commentary will be powered by AI with analysis being drawn from ChatGPT. Or, perhaps they’ll realise it is possible to have too much football on TV and that, rather than constantly boasting about the number of games they’re covering, they’ll go the other way. 

‘Next season, it’s a whole new ball game. This season on Sky, we’ve got less games than ever before.’