George Lawrences Shorts: Karl Mechanics

Saturday 1 February 2020

Blackpool is a famous place for breaking your duck in a gritty and uncomfortable way. Fittingly, Oxford popped it’s 2020 league victory cherry on Saturday with a tough 2-1 win against the Seasiders. Afterwards KRob confirmed that he wasn’t planning to bring in any free-agents unless there were any legends in the Oxford area who fancied a game. Martin Keown is adjusting his shin pads as we speak.

Sunday 2 February 2020

Half-man, half KFC Family Bucket, Gillingham boss, Steve Evans, says he fended off an unnamed Championship team to land former Oxford loanee Jordan Graham who has joined them until the end of the season. The reason Evans hasn’t named the club is due to professional integrity, ethics and the fact he’s lying.

Monday 3 February 2020

Mystery injury magnet and former Oxford winger, Marvin Johnson has definitely not been talking about getting a new contract at Middlesborough. ‘Of course I want to stay’ he said, not talking about it, ‘it’s not in my mind’ he added firmly putting it out of his mind, ‘It’s not important to me right now’ he said, shutting down the very thought of it.

Meanwhile, GLS feared the worst when Joey Beauchamp’s name appeared in a news story with 15 school children from Cardiff. It turns out he was listed as a ‘famous’ member of MENSA alongside TV critic Gary Bushell and former Miss Rochdale Laura Shields.

Tuesday 4 February 2020

It was an avalanche of Lonsdale tracksuits and Donnay golf shoes on Tuesday as Sports Direct’s Newcastle returned to the Kassam for the FA Cup replay. It was an emotional rollercoaster as we battled back from 2-0 to force extra-time before going down 3-2.

Extra-time created a cultural earthquake as Holby City and Silent Witness were both cancelled. Nobody embedded themselves into the national psyche like the Newcastle fan who ingratiated himself with the locals by doing the patented Gavin Whyte Wave while celebrating The Toon’s winner.

The Telegraph has been talking to Gary Bloom who has been working with the club as a psychotherapist. Psychotherapy is about getting inside a someone’s head, a shuddering thought when it comes to Jamie Mackie.

The step-over kid Tariqe Fosu has been talking about his move from Oxford to Brentford, like a 56 year old lottery winner dumping his family for a pneumatic 22 year old pole dancer, he says he was gutted to leave Oxford before shrugging ‘but that’s football’.

Wednesday 5 February 2020

KRob was omnipresent on Wednesday. During the day he met the flippin’ Duke of flippin’ Cambridge to discuss mental health issues. The two shared stories of their mental health challenges. The Duke talked about his uncle befriending a convicted sex trafficker and his brother being hounded out of the country by the racist right-wing press, KRob spoke movingly about the mental challenges of dealing with a foul throw that was wrongly given against Rochdale last season.

This was a mere aperitif as KRob then headed for Oxford’s Senior Cup defeat at Banbury in the evening. There was more cup heartache as a young side went out after penalties. On the upside, KRob drew the half-time raffle with the winner receiving nearly nine pounds in prize money.

Elsewhere, your daughters are safe as Jedward orphan, Mark Sykes may have to pass up his lost week in Magaluf this year to head off to Euro 2020 with Northern Ireland. Meanwhile, Tariqe Fosu could be lollypopping his way to a place in the Ghanian national team.

Thursday 6 February 2020

It was the Seven Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Thursday with, who else? KRob. With the club playing as well as it has for decades, one ray of sunshine asked how he can convince his daughter to support Oxford rather than Liverpool when the club sells its best players. You don’t need to sell it to her, mate, just put her up for adoption.

Friday 7 February 2020

It’s Peterborough tomorrow who are managed by Darren Ferguson, the son of legend Sir Alex Ferguson. Dazza is a chip off the old managerial block being a garralous Scotsman. But don’t let that fool you, he’s his own man as well, one thing that really sets him apart from his dad is his lack of managerial success.

Oxford United’s attempt at taking over the world took one-step closer when it was announced that former yellow Craig Harrington has become the new head coach at the Utah Royals. This answers the questions ‘whatever happened to Craig Harrington?’ and ‘who the hell is Craig Harrington?’.

George Lawrence's Shorts: Even-Stevevans

Saturday 18 January 2020

It was all-square on Saturday as we drew 1-1 with Gillingham. There’s no getting round the Govan Gut, Steve Evans, I mean it would literally take weeks, even by car. Despite taking the lead through the stepover kid Tariqe Fosu, Evans’ team hit back after the bookie monster, Alex Gorrin, conceded a reckless penalty. 

Sunday 19 January 2020

There are many things that ancient loyalty-phobe Jefferson Louis is famous for; going to jail, showing his arse live on TV, changing clubs, changing clubs, changing clubs, changing clu…

You get the idea, Louis is a rarity in the modern game; a true 39 club man. He’s been talking to Planet Football about as many of them as he can remember and how it’s taught him a lot about love, life and signing on fees.

Monday 20 January 2020

As we know, Glaswegian fatberg Steve Evans is a man with a highly tuned moral compass. He was aghast at Tariqe Fosu’s ‘antics’ on Saturday. Evans was left blushing behind his silk monogrammed handkerchief as Fosu appeared to feign injury after a heavy challenge. Easily shocked Evans had never seen anything like it – at least he’s never fallen on the floor and managed to get on his feet without the help of a winch before. 

Tuesday 21 January 2020

He’s the right-back with the come to bed eyebrows, heavenly Sheffield United full-back and former dreamboat loanee George Baldock is being considered for a call-up to the Greek national team. Baldock, or Baldockalopidas to give him his full name is wanted by Greek manager John Van’t Chip (translation: John’s Chip Van) for their 2022 World Cup qualifying campaign.

Wednesday 22 January 2020

George Thorne has signed on a permanent deal with the club after he left Derby County. The injury prone midfielder has had a nightmare couple of years in which he admits he fell out of love with the game. His loan move earlier in the season convinced him that a move would be great. ‘It was one of the most welcoming treatment rooms I’ve ever been to.’ he might have said.  

KRob and Steve Evans have been trading views about the length of Evans’ grass. KRob thinks Evans deliberately lets it grow naturally, Evans said that he always likes to keep things neat and tidy down there. Are we still talking about football pitches?

Thursday 23 January 2020

It was the Eight Minute Thirty-Seven Seconds Fan Forum on Radio Oxford on with Zaki the Unstoppable Sense Machine. As always, the forum covered never previously discussed topics in a decisive way, there were questions about the stadiumsituation (no deadline), fourth stand (maybe), safe standing (don’t know), park and ride (perhaps), parking at science park (maybe) and selling players (no, but in other circumstances, maybe).

We were also excited to hear about mysterious friend of the board Secret Barry; everyone should have a Secret Barry.

Friday 24 January 2020

Nothing says the FA Cup more than a Karrimor drawstring rucksack and Lonsdale vest, we head horizontally north and then vertical up for our FA Cup tie with Sports Direct’s Newcastle United on Saturday. Away fans will be housed in the seventh tier of Leazes Stand, the only away end in the country with views obscured by the curvature of the earth. 

The Aylesbury Ashley Young, Rob Hall was pretty excited to hear from KRob that he’ll be starting on Saturday. But, rather than playing in front of 52,000 carnivorous northerners, he’s been loaned out to sandal wearing vegans Forest Green Rovers.