George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – EB News

Sunday 4 July 2021

After KRob picked up a briefcase of used notes from a park bench as payment for Rob Atkinson on Saturday, it looks like he might go shopping. First in his sights appears to be Cheltenham defender Will Boyle. A new signing is always exciting, but word of warning; GLS once had a willy boil, and it was quite uncomfortable.

Monday 5 July 2021

Box to boxfile player; Jose’s son, John Mousinho has signed a new two-year contract with the club. Mous, who missed most of last season with injury, has just turned 37. He’s raring to go and, despite KRob’s assurances that it won’t be necessary, is excited to use his bus pass on the team coach next season.

Tuesday 6 July 2021

Details of Rob Atkinson’s transfer to Bristol City have started to emerge; Oxford Mail report that the deal is worth upwards of £1.6m with a number of add ons including additional cash for appearances, unlimited texts and a six month subscription to Disney+.

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Chris Maguire is linking back up with MApp after signing for Lincoln City. The link up creates a deadly mutation which could wipe out everybody that stands in their way. If that’s hard to imagine, it’s like putting 60,000 people into a football stadium three times in a week when there’s a deadly virus in circulation.

Thursday 8 July 2021

You might rightly wonder what the point of GLS is; well you know what’s coming home? ‘It’s’ coming home. How does ‘It’s’ get home? By taxi. And who drives a taxi? Taxi drivers. And what website do taxi drivers read? Taxi Point, probably. They’ve just published their definitive list of footballers who became taxi drivers, a list which includes former Oxford players Trevor Aylott and Jimmy Glass. And that is why GLS exists.

Friday 9 July 2021

Sheffield Wednesday are lining up a move for QPR winger Mide Shodipo, who was on loan at Oxford last season. The Owls; named because they swallow their prey whole before regurgitating it whole in the form of a pellet, have been under a transfer embargo and are keen to get on with rebuilding after relegation. 

Saturday 10 July 2021

John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe played together for the first time since they won promotion against Wycombe in 2016, losing their pre-season friendly with Tranmere Rovers. Normally pre-season is synonymous with fresh players bronzed by three weeks in Dubai. However, due to travel restrictions, the players were looking a little more wan, Lundstram having had 2 weeks in a static caravan in Prestatyn while Roofe went to a B&B in Norfolk with intermittent wifi.

Sunday 11 July 2021

There’s nothing KRob loves more than failing to sign a Scottish Premier League full-back. This year he’s set his sights on not landing Jamie Robson from Dundee United. Robson will be replacing Josh Ruffels who joined Huddersfield Town recently. Ruffels made his debut against Harrogate Town and has stated his lofty ambitions for the season: “Trying to get in the team is the main aim for me this season.” he said.

Monday 12 July 2021

Ryan Williams has revealed one of the reasons for joining Oxford is the opportunity to travel as far away from the place as it’s possible to go. He’s keen to work his way back into the reckoning with the Australian national team.

Meanwhile, Dundee United Head Coach Tam Courts isn’t aware of any movement for Jamie Robson, but he can see why there’s interest calling Robson “easy on the eye and tenacious.” which also happens to be how GLS likes their lovers.

Tuesday 13 July 2021

Headington United’s Sam Long is excited for the new season and determined to go one step further. It’s important that he constantly looks forward and doesn’t even think about last year. “I’m aware what was last year.” he said not thinking about last year “But it’s a fresh start, we need to all forget about last year. I can’t sit back on last year’s performances. Because I played well last year, doesn’t mean I can relax this year.”

Wednesday 14 July 2021

Bristol Live have run an exhaustive profile of their new signing Rob Atkinson revealing that he is a fluent French speaker who could fully converse with Derek Osei Yaw. That is, when Osei Yaw popped into the club to check if he had any post. Apparently at Eastleigh, Atkinson was labelled the ‘Vanarama Van Dijk’, which is a bit like when we used to call Phil Trainer the ‘Conference Claudio Cannigia’, but that wasn’t a good thing.

Thursday 15 July 2021

The club announced a new shirt sponsor, EB Charging, for the upcoming season after it was announced that the Thai Tourist Authority were standing down. With covid cases souring and the government now bored of trying to control it, the former sponsors have figured out that fans are more likely to visit the Amazing NHS than Amazing Thailand this year. 

Friday 16 July 2021

Oxford United won the annual shin kicking festival against Oxford City on Friday 3-2, with a late winner from The Bookie Monster Alex Gorrin. Karl Robinson wasn’t impressed, reassuringly describing the Yellows as being ‘miles away from a good team’. The team were resplendent in their new shirts, which have received a muted response from fans who believe they’re ‘a bit plain’. Apparently fans wanted to see a Da Vinci fresco of The Battle of Anghiari on the back or something.

Oh, and in ‘you are joking me’ news; after John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe, there are strong rumours the left back with the come to bed eyebrows George Baldock is heading for the Auld Firm as well. This time Celtic are after his services.

Saturday 17 July 2021

Oxford played their second friendly in two days with a behind-closed-doors game against plucky billionaires Salford City. The game was split into three sections lasting 60, 30 and 45 minutes, playing three different teams in the process. To add to the confusion, the teams operated an innovative scoring system with Oxford winning by a four golden goats, to Salford’s half a kumquat.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Countdown conundrums

Saturday 24 April 2021

It’s like Countdown around here, after the 3-1 win Plymouth on Saturday. The win propelled Oxford into the fifth. Teams around us have games in hand, but with plenty of opportunities to drop points, two wins from the last two games could still see Oxford make the top six. A consonant, please Rachel.

Sunday 25 April 2021

Following yesterday’s defeat, after conceding 16 goals in 6 games and losing 9 in their last 13 games Plymouth manager Ryan Lowe has become a great all-seeing sage by revealing a controversial theory about what’s going wrong at the Devon club. “We’re not good enough.” he said, sitting in the lotus position banging his chakra.

Monday 26 April 2021

KRob’s a fugitive on the run from the law, the Feds at the FA have got him banged to rights and charged him with ‘improper and/or violent conduct’ relating to the ill-tempered game against Premier League One side Sunderland earlier this month. KRob ended up doing porridge in the slammer during that game after referee Trevor Kettle sent him to the stands. Now he’s back in front of the beak, but he ain’t no grass. 

Tuesday 27 April 2021

Ole! The bookie monster Alex Gorrin has signed a contract extension until 2022 alongside Jedward Orphan Mark Sykes. Gorrin received lots of cards from friends to celebrate the news, mostly yellow ones for shin high lunging tackles.  

Wednesday 28 April 2021

From the GLS vaults labelled ‘are you absolutely shitting me?’ comes news that Burton Albion are planning to use our last game of the season for a virtual ‘staying up’ party. Burton were rock bottom of the table, but with Flimmy Joyd Basselhank at the helm they’ve climbed their way to safety, it’s now party time. 

Thursday 29 April 2021

The League One Team of the season has been revealed and Rob Atkinson has secured one of the centre-back spots. It’s been an impressive season for Atkinson who last year was playing non-league football at Eastleigh. Before that he was West Brom and Manchester United manager with a nifty line in sheepskin coats and chunky gold jewelry.

Friday 30 April 2021

As the season draws to the end, again, the rumour mill starts to turn, again, this time, it’s news that a Championship team are in the hunt, again, for Cameron Brannagain, again. This time it’s Preston North End who are interested in the midfielder. Brannagain would join Ryan Ledson at Deepdale; so expect a surge in sales of double-strength shin pads to the Championship next season. 

Saturday 1 May 2021

Oxford’s 3-2 comeback win over Shrewsbury Town on Saturday guaranteed that the season will go to the last day. A win over Burton could see the yellows sneak into the play-offs. There is some debate about how you pronounce Shrewsbury; does it rhyme with ‘lose’ as in ‘Shrewsbury lose to Oxford’ or does it rhyme with ‘throws’ as in ‘Shrewsbury throws away their lead again’?

Sunday 2 May 2021

The comb-over Sam Long, Dave Langan has been reflecting on mixing it with the hoi polloi during his time at Oxford United in the 1980s. As well as negotiating contracts with Robert Maxwell, he also spent time with Oxford director and alleged child sex trafficker, Maxwell’s daughter, Ghislane. “She seemed really down to earth. She was just like a normal person.” he said, unlike any of the sex trafficking, friend of a billionaire paedophiles he’d met before.

Monday 3 May 2021

KRob loves a good ding dong, and there’s a proper ding dang do coming up next Sunday. “Roll on next Sunday and the balls start rolling again.” he said eating a bacon roll, having a stroll, stroking a foal. 

Tuesday 4 May 2021

Sheffield United’s transformation into the t’Oxford is nearly complete as they seek a big gun to replace Chris Wilder. After Wilder, Jake Wright, John Lundstram and George Baldock; rumours are that Mr Big Guns himself, MApp, is the next Oxford alumni to join the club as manager. PClot’s Malmo 2010 WhatsApp group was buzzing at the prospect of getting the gang back together at Bramall Lane in a couple of years. Ago Mehmeti said he’ll make a big chilli for the reunion.

Wednesday 5 May 2021

KRob was in the dock on Wednesday as he faced a charge of improper and/or violent conduct after the shenanigans at Sunderland. Due to the pandemic, the case was held over Zoom, where the Oxford boss stated his case with passion and panache. “YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY HERE”, he screamed “READ THE STANDING ORDERS, READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM”.

Thursday 6 May 2021

McGuane in Spain was quickly on the plane, but he’s delighted to be taking the step up from playing for Barcelona, Arsenal and Nottingham Forest after signing a three year contract at Oxford.

Jose’s son John Mousinho is a real box-to-box-file player. He’s been elected as chair of the new PFA players’ board. This is not to be confused with the Playaz Board, which organises custom sports cars, expensive jewelry and spit roasting sessions for aspiring Premier League teenagers.  

Friday 7 May 2021

Life is like a box of chocolates for Josh Ruffels, he’s got his pick of the teams to sign for next season when his contract expires. Now rumours are surfacing that he could become a Nottingham Forest chump

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Rob’s Red Redemption

Saturday 12 September 2020

GLS was quite the sports star at school. The bean bag toss was the blue riband of any Sports Day, and when we say sports day, we mean the Wednesday lunchtime before sports day. Tragedy struck one year having packed his running spikes and singlet, he found his shorts had been swapped with the frilly panties his mum wore for her trombone lesson with Mr Spencer down the road. ‘It helps when I’m blowing’, she said. 

And so it was with the glorious march to the League 1 title on Saturday as the season’s opener against Lincoln ended in a 2-0 defeat. The game saw Rob Atkinson make his debut, so the ref got him a red card to mark the occasion and let him go home early, which was nice of him. 

As with that year’s bean bag toss, maybe the title can wait until next year. 

Sunday 13 September 2020

We should have known better, anyone watching Armand Gnadulliet trying to bring a routine through ball under control at Oxford will know about how MApp is with nasty little traps. This is what he put Lincoln’s win over Oxford down to

Monday 14 September 2020

There are quite a few rare things – hen’s teeth, Steve Anthrobus goals, getting a coronavirus test in the same timezone as your house, but there are few things more rare than a rescinded red card. Rob Atkinson, The Little Tank, has had his overturned. It’s 2020, so go figure.

Tuesday 15 September 2020

Oxford faced a stern test in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup on Tuesday when they faced a Watford side  full of Premier League quality and Jerome Sinclair. Oxford took the lead when grown man Rob Hall mash up dem proper top bins in the first half. A last minute equaliser took the game to penalties, which was like an episode of Mrs Brown’s boys; a tragedy wrapped in a comedy. Hall bang dem goalie wid me brudder Marcus M n mi man Anthony Forde, resulting in a 0-3 defeat.

In other news, spellcheck’s Fiarce Kelleher has signed for Wrexham.

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Doh-eyed cash puppy Stewart Donald brings his Premier League giants Sunderland to the Kassam on Saturday. Oxford have an injury crisis according to the Sunderland Echo missing six key players. Along with Josh Ruffels, John Mousinho, Matty Taylor, Alex Gorrin and Sam Winnall is Jamie Hanson. Hanson’s key attribute being that he’s the one who makes the cheese toasties on away trips.

Thursday 17 September 2020

There was a forty-eight minute long forty-five minute special Five Minute Fans’ Forum on Thursday. In the hot seats was Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams and KRob. McWilliams furtively confirmed, that Chris Allen was still with the club, while his wife jammed some suspect bin bags into the boot of her car. He also confirmed that Creepy Uncle Firoz appears to have built the world’s first Covid secure football stadium. Then KRob answered a question about the salary cap spewing random numbers like Rachel Riley having a bad reaction to her Priti Patel vaccine.

Friday 18 September 2020

KRob is a big Oasis fan; he won’t look back in anger for anyone. Despite an injury to Josh Ruffels and John Mousinho and inexperience with Elliot Moore and The Little Tank Rob Atkinson, he’s still thinks he has a defensive Wonderwall and so isn’t bringing more cover in. Instead looking lovingly at Derby’s champagne supernova Josh Shonibare for a loan move.

The top man’s top man Jakey right right Wright has found himself a new club. The former Oxford captain has signed for Hereford. Jakey’s had a difficult couple of years after a loan move to Bolton from Sheffield United went all wrong wrong wrong last season. Jakey will go right right right into the Hereford starting line-up on Saturday.