George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – ArmaSeddon

Sunday 18 July 2021

Ex-Everton coach, Alan Stubbs, has been waxing lyrical about what a brilliant signing John Lundstram would be for Celtic. Celtic are rebuilding after a disappointing season and could do with a player with Lundstram’s qualities. Stubbs coached him at Everton and there’s nothing he doesn’t know about the midfielder; apart from the fact he’s already signed for Rangers.

Monday 19 July 2021

Archeologists at Southend United have dug up what they believe could be the original Ryan Williams. Ricky Holmes or to use the Latin ‘maximus manus-bunus’, looks set to sign for the newly minted Conference nobodies. Holmes has been a big target for the team from Roots Hall though not as big a target as he’ll be when a 16 stone centre-back from Boredom Wood gets sight of him.

Tuesday 20 July 2021

Yesterday was Boris Johnson’s Free-DOH! Day. With masks and social distancing abandoned, Johnson is confident we’ll soon have a world-beating vaccine resistant variant in circulation. Go us! Oxford United celebrated in the best possible way; by having a couple of players test positive for Covid, and sending another nine home to self-isolate. One player who’s taken self-isolating a bit too far is Sean Clare, who promptly signed for Charlton.

Elsewhere, Hayes and Yeading kept a wide birth in our latest pre-season friendly as Matty Taylor scored about six hundred goals in a 9-0 win.

Wednesday 21 July 2021

The Covid outbreak allowed KRob to give a run-out to next season’s Papa John’s Pizza Trophy group games squad against Banbury United. A young side ran out 3-0 winners with goals from Gatlin O’Donkor, Derick Osei-Yaw and Tyler Goodrham. Goodrham’s quality finish shows that he’s ready to replace Josh Ruffels as the player whose name nobody can spell.

Thursday 22 July 2021

Sad news as former loanee Joe Riley has announced his retirement from football at the age of twenty-nine. Riley was a rare bright spot during MApp’s terrible first season at Oxford. Having spent half a season in the presence of David Hunt and Tom Newey, Riley recovered sufficiently to enjoy successful spells with Bolton, Shrewsbury and Mansfield.

Friday 23 July 2021

There are three qualities that KRob loves in a player; pace, power and alliteration. Following in the footsteps Chris Cadden and Marcus McGuane, left-back Steve Seddon has signed from Birmingham City. Meanwhile, GLS were shocked to hear that Top Man Jakey ‘right right’ Wright will be playing in the Major League Baseball next season having signed for Boston, only to find that it’s the National League North team from Lincolnshire.

Saturday 24 July 2021

Thank god for the (don’t buy the) Sun; they’ve exclusively revealed that former Oxford loanee Tyler Roberts is dating former Love Island contestant Georgia Steel. It’s early days, but judging by the photos, we’re hoping that Roberts buys Steel a nice warm jumper as a present because she doesn’t seem to own any clothes.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The lunar-tics taking over the asylum

Saturday 6 February 2021

GLS hasn’t had an unfamiliar sensation like this since the doctor told him she needed to use the extra long lance. Apparently we suffered what’s known as ‘a loss’ on Saturday against Doncaster Rovers. This is an Old English term historians believe was last used in the Oxford area around the birth of Christ, or ‘Sam Long’ as he’s more conventionally known. An approximate translation is something along the lines of ‘WHAT THE FUDGING HECK WERE YOU DOING REF? HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY?’. 

Sunday 7 February 2021

Last year, the country was in thrall as Coleen Rooney took to Twitter to call out Rebekah Vardy for leaking stories to the tabloids. The affair was dubbed ‘Wagatha Christie’. Well, season two just dropped, it’s… A Touch of Fost. 

Ex-Oxford United central defender Luke Foster, spoke to The Mirror about his relationship with Vardy back in the early-2000s. He couldn’t cope with her relentless demands for the fame and glamour associated with dating one of the Conference’s most sought-after mid-table central defenders. Foster was left penniless when she traveled to games with him, sometimes blowing as much as £19 in Droylsden’s exclusive charity boutiques. 

Monday 8 February 2021

There’s more to Bristol Rovers Peaky Blinder Paul Tisdale than turn-ups and a pair of vintage Adidas Spezials, he’s also got a distressed t-shirt of a band he’s never heard of with the sleeves torn off. Tomorrow we head for Bristol Rovers just two weeks after beating them 2-0 at home.  “I think we’ve made some progress in terms of players” he said “and maybe some pattern that has improved since then.” Nothing barks improvement like no wins in nine, and two goals and two points out of twelve since our last game.

Tuesday 9 February 2021

*coquettishly puts fingers on lips and looks innocent*

What’s that? Oh, I’ve dropped something? This little thing? Another win? Oh silly me, let me bend down and pick it up. Gosh, I hope this skirt isn’t too short?

Yes, Oxford collect the wins like binmen collect the bins – almost every week, except for in inclement weather and with times adjusted to accommodate Bank Holidays. Goals from loanees Elliot Lee and Brandon Barker saw us cruise to a 2-0 win on Tuesday night

Wednesday 10 February 2021

After last night’s result Paul Tisdale has been told to pack his faux-vintage leather satchel (Primark, £7.99) and hit the high road. It’s been a torrid time for Tisdale who has only been in charge for 19 games, Matty Taylor has been on the phone to recruit him for Gas Hating Club and to ask him where he got that cashmere scarf from.  

Elsewhere, having received his Covid vaccine for being old and vulnerable, man-bun Ricky Holmes is currently limping around unconvincingly at Southend United’s training ground after leaving Northampton Town’s physio bench.

Thursday 11 February 2021

The Mirror have taken to wildly speculating who will take over as manager at Bournemouth. It’s a veritable racist paradise with both Jonathan Woodgate and John Terry in the running. One surprise name, though, is plucky non-racist KRob, whose been turning a few heads with his endeavours at Oxford. There’s a lot going for KRob; his results record, his record developing players and especially that the compo will be cheap when they fire him after six games and get Eddie Howe back again.

Friday 12 February 2021

KRob missed out on becoming manager of the month to Hull’s Grant McCann on Friday. Despite his perfect record in January, nobody can deny that Hull’s plummet down the form table to 11th hasn’t been eye-catching. Nothing could separate Josh Ruffels from Matty Lund of Rochdale for player of the month apart from their defensive records, goals per game, head-to-head record, league position and points accumulated; so the judges had to rely on the complicated football algorithm; alphabetical order, to make the decision. 

The club went and done a complete ‘normal’ again, announcing that it was introducing a new logo and planning a series of events to celebrate Chinese Lunar New Year, which is the Year of the Ox. The first of which was to postpone the game against Wigan on Saturday by 24 hours due to a frozen pitch – a Chinese dragon is on its way to help thaw the pitch out. Future events include trying to encourage Nick Harris to avoid calling his local takeaway the ‘Chinky’.

Meanwhile, the Sheffield Star have spun the wheel of random punditry to reveal that John Lundstram has been tipped to join Leeds United in the summer by former Aston Villa full-back Alan Hutton who has no obvious connection to any of the parties involved. Next month, Joe Skarz tipped for Borussia Mönchengladbach by Julian Joachim.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Donkor Kong

Saturday 5 December 2020

It was a momentous day on Saturday as fans were finally allowed back into the stadium for the visit of Hull City. The fans were buoyed by a decent performance against the top of the table Tigers, which ended in a 1-1 draw. Plenty of precautions were taken to ensure supporters were safe, they were asked to take their own food and drink, wear masks and maintain at least two metres distance or ‘touch tight’ as our defence call it. 

Monday 7 December 2020

Vegan sandal wearing Extinction Rebels Forest Green Rovers visit the Kassam on Tuesday for a lactose free Veggie Supreme Papa John Pizza Trophy game. History is set to be made with a local Oxford schoolboy added to the home squad. GLS asked Big Janet from the papershop to the game on a date. Unfortunately when he said, with a knowing smile, ‘You never know, Gatlin O’Donkor could make his debut’ she looked alarmed, called him a pervert and kneed him in the groin.

Elsewhere, Basford United, coached by former Oxford lazybones Rob Duffy, will resume their season this week with the visit of Rushall Olympic in the FA Trophy. Duffy isn’t concerned about the six week break his team had during the lockdown; he was often idle for weeks on end in between efforts during his playing days in the Conference.

Tuesday 8 December 2020

Forest Green Rovers were mulched up and recycled out of the Papa John’s Trophy last night on penalties. Gatlin O’Donkor made his debut from the bench, becoming the youngest ever Oxford players and scoring the first penalty. It’s back down to Earth for O’Donkor who will be at school in the morning, he’s got PE first thing and his kit’s in the wash meaning he’ll have to do it in his pants and vest.

Wednesday 9 December 2020

KRob thinks his yellow card spurred a revival in his team last night.  “I don’t like people saying ‘you’re getting relegated and we’re getting promoted’” Explained KRob, which happens to be a sick burn GLS used at primary school once. 

KRob got right back in their grill: “There’s no blood on my players” he shouted, resulting in a booking for incomprehensible conduct.

Meanwhile, the lower league Jesus has got his timing all wrong, it’s Christmas but Ricky Holmes has been been talking about his resurrection at Northampton after retiring.

Thursday 10 December 2020

It was the Six Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. And. It. Kicked. Off. McWilliams confirmed rumours that corporate sponsors and members of the 1893 Club will get tickets for all three upcoming games in recognition for their premium priced season ticket. Fans didn’t like it, calling it favouritism. That’s not fair, the 1896 Club show admirable dedication to the club by paying £600 to listen to Peter Rhodes-Brown interviewing returning legends like Jon Ashton and Ricky Sappleton while drinking weak tea and eating garibaldi biscuits.

Friday 11 December 2020

There’ll be no Kiss Me Quick hats, donkey rides or itchy rashes for Oxford fans this year as the team travel to the Chlamydia Capital Blackpool on Saturday. Goalkeeper Chris Maxwell is a lazy sod; “I take pride in doing nothing in the game. If I do nothing in a game, I’m happier than when I save 10 shots and still keep a clean sheet.” Now that’s one Christmas present, we’re sure we can help with.

George Lawrences’s Shorts: Cam and Agyei

Saturday 10 August 2019

Time warped in on itself on Saturday. The club announced a contract extension for KRob which was announced last week and reported the signing of Dan Agyei that was reported last week. On the pitch, Cameron Brannagan scored in the 1-0 win over Peterborough in next week’s League Cup game. C U Next Tuesday, I guess.

Sunday 11 August 2019

Disappointment at the annual photo day when 130 of our newly minted squad members didn’t turn up. Afterwards the players got a trip around Oxford’s Natural History Museum. Cameron Brannigan coloured in his worksheet without going over the lines, bored dad, John Mousinho, secretly checked the football scores on his phone and Derek Fazackeley spent some time with a set of diplodocus bones that reminded him of the pet he had when he was a boy.

Monday 12 August 2019

There was feverish speculation that Matty Taylor was set to sign from Bristol City. Taylor played seven games for Oxford in The Conference. He was released in 2009, placing him in a file marked ‘Phil Trainer et al’. Inexplicably the player the club prematurely wrote off has resisted attempts to re-sign him when he got good. But, he was seen at The Kassam on Saturday, so perhaps KRob has got his man.

Tuesday 13 August 2019

On Saturday, the press in Peterborough said nothing is won in August, and for their football club, they’re not wrong. The theory that the world was destroyed by the Higgs Boson in 2012 leaving just our consciousness suspended in an endless vortex of nothingness gained further traction in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup. Cameron Brannagan scored again as we won 1-0 again over Peterborough again, setting us up for a mouthwatering second round game probably at home to Peterborough again. What the Fiarce Kelleher is going on?

Wednesday 14 August 2019

Cosmopolitan sophisticat Çhrïš Ŵįłdé is heading for a no-deal Oxit at Sheffield United. He’s realised his Oxford United fetish is a closet full of skeletons he needs to empty. In an attempt to shame them into walking out of the club so he can play with his new expensive toys, he has told Samir Carruthers, Jake Wright and Ricky Holmes to think beyond the salaries that pay their mortgages and feed their children and think nebulously about ‘their careers’.

Thursday 15 August 2019

KRob was on The Six Minute Fifty-Five Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday where he confirmed that he wasn’t looking to replace Shaun Derry as deputy head of pointing and shouting. ‘I like being on the grass.’ said KRob, in a joke which writes itself. Pass the Wagon Wheels.

Benji Buchel’s summer tour of countries Nigel Farage is scared of has concluded in Germany with a creditable 0-1 defeat to Eintracht Frankfurt in the Europa League.

Friday 16 August 2019

Anyone who has seen GLS rummaging around in his rhinestone covered cod piece will know how much he loves ballroom and chlamydia. So we’re beyond excited to be going to Blackpool this weekend. The Seasiders’ manager Simon Grayson has been giving some insight into how he’ll defeat KRob’s unbeatable army. “We will do what we normally do and that’s focus on their weaknesses and try and use our strengths to go and win the football match” It’s that kind of tactical genius which us two world wars.