George Lawrence’s Shorts: Brewer’s droop

Saturday 2 January 2021

Burton were thrashed on Saturday as Oxford ran riot in a 5-1 win. Matty Taylor opened the scoring before Mide Shodipo and Josh Ruffels both grabbed a brace. Burton, who were feeble throughout, scored just before half-time after a deflection allowed The Consolation Kid Kane Hemmings to tap home. 

Sunday 3 January 2021

New Burton manager, Jimmy Flloyd Hasselbank, has pinpointed what went wrong yesterday; their defence, attack, midfield, shape, commitment, fitness, organisation… “That was missing a bit and Oxford picked us apart” said the Dutchman with admirable understatement “(Even) while they were not even playing that well.” he added. Because nothing shows a team playing not playing ‘that well’ than a 5-1 away win.

Monday 4 January 2021

Hello? (hello?, hello?, hello?) What’s causing that echo? Why, it’s the empty heads of the two Oxford youth team players caught going to a New Year party breaking CoVid rules. The Athletic report that both have been suspended with KRob threatening to have them sacked. Fans commenting on the article have responded calmly, Bradley B, whose clearly never been managed by Malcolm Shotton, honked “This is the world we live in now. An authoritarian nightmare under the guise of protection.” while Matthew H was as misguided as Agon Mehmeti in front of an open goal, squawking “It kills 0.04% of people. Seriously dangerous s***” – a statistic so spectacularly wrong (by a factor of at least fifteen) it’s almost as if epidemiological studies should be left to professionals.

Tuesday 5 January 2021

On Tuesday, eighty-two year old Oxford United fan Brian Pinker became the first person in the world to receive the Oxford vaccine. When asked why he was so keen to be at the head of the queue Mr Pinker said; ‘I’m born and bred in Oxford, the vaccine’s been developed in Oxford, and I want to live long enough to find out why James Henry didn’t shoot.’ Other fans were excited to receive the vaccine, but apparently it’s only available to the 1893 Club members.

Wednesday 6 January 2021 

Imagine having such a sense of self-importance you think you have the right to subvert the norms and conventions of society to get what you want. Imagine, believing that those in power are conspiring against you. Imagine using modern media to over-inflate your status causing thousands of clueless buffoons to follow your lead. Imagine being led by a band of 80s corporate rejects with no plan. Did those storming the Capitol building in Washington learn nothing from Sunderland? Oxford target, Luke Thomas, looks set to put on his horned hat and bear skin and take up the cause at the Stadium of Light

Thursday 7 January 2021

It was the Eight Minute Twenty-Two Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with Tiger. As well as talking about the viability of the club, keeping Mide Shodipo and Marcus McGuane and extending Josh Ruffels’ contract, Tiger spoke about life in Thailand and their growing concern of having 500 cases a day, proving the UK is truly world beating with 68,000 daily cases. 

Friday 8 January 2021

There’s no game this weekend, which has given KRob to consider the future. He’s threatening to resign again, sorry, he’s threatening to re-sign again. Following talk of Cowboy Chris Cadden and Marcus Browne, now there’s rumour that Nathan Holland is on the watch list for a return in January

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The Clare switch project

Sunday 2nd August 2020

KRob is adopting a transfer policy that can be described as a ‘reverse Jack Charlton’ – no YOU’VE got a filthy mind. Having signed Gavin Whyte, Mark Sykes, Joel Cooper the O’Xford manager now appears to be showing an interest in Glentoran striker Paul O’Neill, described as being nearly as good as Pat Hoban. 

Monday 3rd August 2020

Nathan Holland has been named this year’s Young Hammer. It turns out that Young Hammer is not the name of a recently deceased minor league rapper, but an award for the West Ham player who has spent nearly half the season not at West Ham and made a name for himself in a team which is resolutely not West Ham. 

KRob’s been talking, again, about Cameron Brannagain, again, and about how he hopes he’ll sign a new contract, again. KRob’s a big Cam Bran fan and thinks Cam’s the man, he doesn’t know if he can land Cam, but if he can keep Cam, there’s a deal Cam can sign. 

Tuesday 4th August 2020

Cheltenham have been looking for a man with broad shoulders to carry them to promotion next season, and there are no shoulders broader than those of Liam Sercombe who has signed for them after leaving Bristol Rovers.

In other 2016 alum news; Kemar Roofe has left Anderlecht to sign for Rangers. Roofe, who has had an injury ravaged season in Belgium, is hoping to fire the ‘Gers to within forty points of Celtic in the battle to pretend Scottish football is not in need of urgent reform.

Wednesday 5 August 2020

GLS spent a lovely fortnight in Corfu with Sean and Clare, a honeymooning couple who were an absolute hoot. Wherever Sean and Clare went, GLS made sure he went – the all you can eat buffet, the day trip to the Achilleion Palace, karaoke night with Sarg from TOWIE; they couldn’t separate us, even when GLS was threatened with souvlaki skewers. We’re all going to meet up again soon, they said, three years ago. Anyway, it turns out the Sean and Clare are signing for Oxford from Hearts. GLS hearts Sean and Clare.  

It appears Kane Hemmings is seeking out a new career as a coronavirus vector. Holidaying in the travel restricted Balearic Islands, he’s decided to quit Dundee to head south to seek pastures new. We hope these are pastures that are sparsely populated for the next 10-14 days. 

Thursday 6 August 2020

Big Ron Atkinson managed Manchester United, Steve McLaren managed England and Alex Dyer manages Kilmarnock. The roster of former Yellows who have fostered an above average managerial career is almost limitless, almost, but also largely limited to those three. Another has joined their number with the news Simon Marsh has been appointed Thame United Under 15 Boys manager.

The club have announced that Singha will no longer sponsor Oxford’s shirts. There had been hope that to extend the deal beyond two years, but hopes were scuppered when Singha couldn’t sell their sewing machines in the stadium concourses.

Sean and Clare still haven’t replied to GLS’ 14 texts, which is such a Sean and Clare thing to do, but in other news, the club have signed Sean Clare from Hearts.

Friday 7th August 2020

In a twist more surprising than finding out Andy Whing wants to be known by the pronouns Her/Them – what? You hadn’t heard? – Cameron Brannagain has signed a contract extension to 2023. Cam Bran loves the fans and the fans love Cam Bran. KRob’s loves his nan and Cam Bran’s in his plan

Elsewhere, the British Tsun Dai; Robbie Cundy has gone on loan to Cambridge from Bristol City.