Bread-based QPR manager Mark Warburton has clearly been reading too much GLS, “[Dickie will] keep on improving. He’s taken those lessons on board. This season for Rob is a really big one – to keep on that education and keep on learning.” Alright, you brioche bonced boss, we’ll do the school-based Rob Dickie jokes around here, thanks.
It’s Lincoln on Saturday and Mr Big Guns, MApp, has got a lot on his plate; and we’re not just talking protein shakes and raw eggs. “The best way I can describe it is that we have 13 senior outfield players to choose from, not many at all”. It’s a familiar feeling for MApp who remembers last season’s visit when his team was “full of Covid and injuries as well.” Nice, we’ll just slather on another layer of hand sanitiser if you don’t mind.
In what is turning into what we call in GLS world, an ‘I wonder what Samir Carruthers is doing’ week, Birmingham Live have been wondering what Samir Carruthers is doing. The self-styled ‘idiot who urinated in a pint glass’ is now at Hemel Hempstead.
The end of season’s best hackers table has been released and it turns out that Oxford are the third dirtiest team in the division. So proud. The club have kicked their way to seventy yellow and three red cards this season, which has only been bettered by Northampton Town and Charlton Athletic. Bookie monster, Alex Gorrin was seventh.
KRob has paid tribute to Instagram influencer, Nico Jones, as he leaves the club. ”It’s not the end of the road for him in his career. I think he feels going out playing men’s football and being released is better for him and we felt it was as well.” There’s nothing like a bit of redundancy to make you a man. No doubt, he’ll soon be gracing the greatest theatres of football that the Conference South has to offer.
“Una paloma blancaaaaa” KRob is thinking of his summer holibobs with the lads. Pre-season is up in the air because of the pandemic, but he’s hoping to line up a ‘foreign giant’ to play during the summer, which we can only assume is Gérard Depardieu. “We want to be creative with the pre-season, we want to be better than ever before.” he said, better even than our previous best start of two wins in eight.
Tuesday 1 June 2021
The Sunderland Echo have been trying to come up with ways to show that Permier League Sunderland probably won the division after all. They’ve compared how the League 1 table finished to how it was predicted to finish, Oxford were predicted to finish 5th, but finished 6th.
Rob Atkinson has been named in the PFA League 1 Team of the Year. The team is a veritable who’s that? of players you’ve only vaguely heard about. Atkinson is understandably chuffed; “It’s nice to win awards, quite humbling, and I am very proud to accept it but the goal for all of us was promotion and we will come back looking to go one better and hopefully achieve that next time around.” said the club’s communications team playing with their new Quote-o-matic app.
It’s like Countdown around here, after the 3-1 win Plymouth on Saturday. The win propelled Oxford into the fifth. Teams around us have games in hand, but with plenty of opportunities to drop points, two wins from the last two games could still see Oxford make the top six. A consonant, please Rachel.
As the season draws to the end, again, the rumour mill starts to turn, again, this time, it’s news that a Championship team are in the hunt, again, for Cameron Brannagain, again. This time it’s Preston North End who are interested in the midfielder. Brannagain would join Ryan Ledson at Deepdale; so expect a surge in sales of double-strength shin pads to the Championship next season.
Sheffield United’s transformation into the t’Oxford is nearly complete as they seek a big gun to replace Chris Wilder. After Wilder, Jake Wright, John Lundstram and George Baldock; rumours are that Mr Big Guns himself, MApp, is the next Oxford alumni to join the club as manager. PClot’s Malmo 2010 WhatsApp group was buzzing at the prospect of getting the gang back together at Bramall Lane in a couple of years. Ago Mehmeti said he’ll make a big chilli for the reunion.
Jose’s son John Mousinho is a real box-to-box-file player. He’s been elected as chair of the new PFA players’ board. This is not to be confused with the Playaz Board, which organises custom sports cars, expensive jewelry and spit roasting sessions for aspiring Premier League teenagers.
It’s derby day tomorrow and sWInDon TwOn have held a press conference. At least we think so, it was conducted all in grunts and whistles. We can’t work out whether manager John Sheridan is in a hostage situation or been replaced by a smart speaker. “Once the players go over the white line, it’s about who wants it more.” he said while playing Candy Crush on his phone “There’s no point predicting who we will beat either. We just have to take it one game at a time.” Thanks Alexa, what will the weather be like tomorrow?
Tuesday 9 March 2021
Earth is healing; having saved the world with a vaccine, Oxford condemned the devil with a 2-1 win at The County Ground on Tuesday. The Super Yellows scored twice from Brandon Barker and Dan Agyei either side of another penalty save from Jack Stevens. In the last minute oNIonS dROWn got a consolation from Taylor Curran, who plays because his dad pays the wages at the County Ground. We’re pretty sure we saw this on an episode of Jim’ll Fix It in the 80s.
Meanwhile, Luton Town boss Nathan Jones has backed former Oxford striker Danny Hylton, saying he’d have scored more that ten goals this season despite a goal drought stretching back nearly two years. He just needs games, says Jones, and to stop living in a badger hole wearing shoes made of straw.
Tuesday saw us slide to a narrow 1-0 defeat to Portsmouth. Oxford fans are aghast at our dramatic collapse in form following our best run of wins in 128 years. Is it too much to ask that we break that record twice in the same season?
Brandon Barker’s loan is in crisis according to Rangers News. They’ve expressed their concern that Barker is not getting game time at Oxford when he could be not getting game time back up north. Barker has only featured in six of the last six games and none of them against part-timers Tunnock Teacake Academicals. How is that going to prepare him for the structural unfairness of the Scottish Premier League next season?
It’s the KRob derby on Saturday at MK Dons. The Oxford manager is considered a god in Milton Keynes after guiding them to The Championship in 2015. Current manager, Russell Martin was asked whether the return of The Roundabout Bill Shankly added a bit of spice to the game “Not for me,” he said staring up at a bronze statue of KRob stripped to the waist astride a mighty stag outside the stadium “Coming back here probably adds a little bit for him – but it’s the same for me.” It really doesn’t bother him does it? And it’s absolutely fine that his wife calls out ‘Karl’ when they’re making love. Absolutely. Fine.