George Lawrence’s Shorts: A level plaguing field

Saturday 7 March 2020

The chisel-faced Ant and Dec, Sam Ricketts and Dean Whitehead were left fuming after Josh Vela was sent off at 2-0 up resulting in a dramatic turnaround and a 3-2 win for Oxford over Shrewsbury. Ricketts was left stoney-faced; which was nothing to do with the decision, it’s just Ricketts’ granite like features.

Sunday 8 March 2020

The Trolls’ Troll, Chris Maguire, claimed in the Sunderland programme on Saturday that Oxford beating Newcastle in 2017 in the FA Cup – a game he was substituted in and made no notable contribution to – was his all- time career highlight.  

Monday 9 March 2020

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie is looking at his options after he’s finished his A Levels. His parents want him to go to Oxford, but it looks like Southampton, Burnley or Leeds may give him a decent offer

One of the county’s most recognisable footballers has made a come-and-get-me-plea to KRob. Finn Tapp, who played in the hole at Love Island, announced he was leaving Oxford City to pursue a career in vacuous anonymity. What would keep him in the game? Playing for Oxford United of course.

Tuesday 10 March 2020

We love Hide and Seek Tuesday; where Oxford fans who criticise the club for lacking ambition and investment find their best hiding spots while the club announce its latest set of financial results. In them, the club revealed that it lost £4m last year and was £18m in debt

Elsewhere, orphaned Jedward Mark Sykes has been called up by Northern Ireland for their Euro 2020 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. Probably.

Wednesday 11 March 2020

In the wake of a global pandemic the PFA have issued advice to clubs to not share bottles. The CoVid19 is a respiratory virus which is particularly dangerous for the old and infirm. The club have issued an edict to the players to follow government advice, principally to protect Derek Fazackerley.  

Thursday 12 March 2020

Oxford United’s head of coins, Tim Davies, who looks like he’s trying to build the Channel Tunnel with a knife and fork, was on the Nine Minute Three Seconds Fans Forum. He said the main difference between the 2018/19 accounts and the previous year was a £2m difference in player trading. Shocking to find that the value of John Lundstram and Marvin Johnson leaving was not matched by the departures of Dwight Tiendelli and Agon Mehmeti.  

Friday 13 March 2020

Woo hoo! It’s football tomorrow with the visit of MK Dons, we’re so excited a plague of locusts wouldn’t keep us away.

Oh.

George Lawrences Shorts: Karl Mechanics

Saturday 1 February 2020

Blackpool is a famous place for breaking your duck in a gritty and uncomfortable way. Fittingly, Oxford popped it’s 2020 league victory cherry on Saturday with a tough 2-1 win against the Seasiders. Afterwards KRob confirmed that he wasn’t planning to bring in any free-agents unless there were any legends in the Oxford area who fancied a game. Martin Keown is adjusting his shin pads as we speak.

Sunday 2 February 2020

Half-man, half KFC Family Bucket, Gillingham boss, Steve Evans, says he fended off an unnamed Championship team to land former Oxford loanee Jordan Graham who has joined them until the end of the season. The reason Evans hasn’t named the club is due to professional integrity, ethics and the fact he’s lying.

Monday 3 February 2020

Mystery injury magnet and former Oxford winger, Marvin Johnson has definitely not been talking about getting a new contract at Middlesborough. ‘Of course I want to stay’ he said, not talking about it, ‘it’s not in my mind’ he added firmly putting it out of his mind, ‘It’s not important to me right now’ he said, shutting down the very thought of it.

Meanwhile, GLS feared the worst when Joey Beauchamp’s name appeared in a news story with 15 school children from Cardiff. It turns out he was listed as a ‘famous’ member of MENSA alongside TV critic Gary Bushell and former Miss Rochdale Laura Shields.

Tuesday 4 February 2020

It was an avalanche of Lonsdale tracksuits and Donnay golf shoes on Tuesday as Sports Direct’s Newcastle returned to the Kassam for the FA Cup replay. It was an emotional rollercoaster as we battled back from 2-0 to force extra-time before going down 3-2.

Extra-time created a cultural earthquake as Holby City and Silent Witness were both cancelled. Nobody embedded themselves into the national psyche like the Newcastle fan who ingratiated himself with the locals by doing the patented Gavin Whyte Wave while celebrating The Toon’s winner.

The Telegraph has been talking to Gary Bloom who has been working with the club as a psychotherapist. Psychotherapy is about getting inside a someone’s head, a shuddering thought when it comes to Jamie Mackie.

The step-over kid Tariqe Fosu has been talking about his move from Oxford to Brentford, like a 56 year old lottery winner dumping his family for a pneumatic 22 year old pole dancer, he says he was gutted to leave Oxford before shrugging ‘but that’s football’.

Wednesday 5 February 2020

KRob was omnipresent on Wednesday. During the day he met the flippin’ Duke of flippin’ Cambridge to discuss mental health issues. The two shared stories of their mental health challenges. The Duke talked about his uncle befriending a convicted sex trafficker and his brother being hounded out of the country by the racist right-wing press, KRob spoke movingly about the mental challenges of dealing with a foul throw that was wrongly given against Rochdale last season.

This was a mere aperitif as KRob then headed for Oxford’s Senior Cup defeat at Banbury in the evening. There was more cup heartache as a young side went out after penalties. On the upside, KRob drew the half-time raffle with the winner receiving nearly nine pounds in prize money.

Elsewhere, your daughters are safe as Jedward orphan, Mark Sykes may have to pass up his lost week in Magaluf this year to head off to Euro 2020 with Northern Ireland. Meanwhile, Tariqe Fosu could be lollypopping his way to a place in the Ghanian national team.

Thursday 6 February 2020

It was the Seven Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Thursday with, who else? KRob. With the club playing as well as it has for decades, one ray of sunshine asked how he can convince his daughter to support Oxford rather than Liverpool when the club sells its best players. You don’t need to sell it to her, mate, just put her up for adoption.

Friday 7 February 2020

It’s Peterborough tomorrow who are managed by Darren Ferguson, the son of legend Sir Alex Ferguson. Dazza is a chip off the old managerial block being a garralous Scotsman. But don’t let that fool you, he’s his own man as well, one thing that really sets him apart from his dad is his lack of managerial success.

Oxford United’s attempt at taking over the world took one-step closer when it was announced that former yellow Craig Harrington has become the new head coach at the Utah Royals. This answers the questions ‘whatever happened to Craig Harrington?’ and ‘who the hell is Craig Harrington?’.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: International bright young things

Saturday 7 September 2019

There was a right old punch in the guts on Saturday and for once it wasn’t administered by Joey Barton. A late goal against Barton’s Fleetwood Town saw Oxford go down 2-1.

Sunday 8 September 2019

Oxford’s greatest ever Lichensteiner, and hero of George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts, Benji Buchel returned to the white hot heat of international football on Sunday with a 1-1 draw against Greece in Athens. The 68,000 seater stadium was throbbing for the encounter being just 65,000 fans short of a sell-out.

Monday 9 September 2019

Having missed the opportunity to miss Saturday’s Fleetwood game, Jedward orphan Mark Sykes missed the opportunity to sit on the bench for Northern Ireland’s plucky 2-0 defeat to Germany in Belfast. Sykes sat in the stand while his fellow former Oxford Jedward, Gavin Whyte, came off the bench after the Irish back-stop had been breached.

Giving a new slant on the term ‘international break’, Ben Woodburn also didn’t play in Wales’ 1-0 win over Belarus. It’s a shame really, we think he’d have asked some searching questions of the opposition. Questions like: ‘Would you like me to introduce you to Gareth Bale?’

Tuesday 10 September 2019

Operation YellowCadden has revealed that Motherwell’s hopes of sunlit uplands is likely to end in a great pile of dung while venal rich fatcats make a financial killing. Cadden is, of course, on loan from Columbus Crew having left Motherwell in an entirely legitimate move which wasn’t in any way designed to avoid making a solidarity payment in lieu of Cadden’s development in Scotland. Motherwell’s boss has revealed he is in dispute with the Crew and is not expecting any resolution in the next couple of years.

Wednesday 11 September 2019

It was centre-back central on Wednesday as two former Oxford defenders opened up about their latest career moves. The top man’s top man Jakey Wright wright wright explained why moving to Bolton is the right right right move for him. In Leicester, Phil Gilchrist was chased down the street for an interview for their club website revealing that he nearly left Oxford at the same time as Matt Elliot, but wasn’t allowed to until they got in a suitable replacement. In the end, they didn’t get one, so they signed Brian Wiiiiiillllllsterman instead. 

Thursday 12 September 2019

KRob was in the hot seat for Radio Oxford’s Six Minute Eighteen Seconds Fans’ Forum, which ended up sounding like the lottery numbers being announced. The stadiumsituation played second fiddle as fans wanted their say on the club’s woeful form. Maureen from Witney thinks we should play 4-3-3 while Brian from Abingdon prefers 4-2-3-1, perhaps KRob should go with Beverly Hill’s 9-0-2-1-0, though Flavor Flav phoned to say that 9-1-1’s a joke in our town.

Friday 13 September 2019

The club said there was good news and bad news on the injury front. Matty Taylor who has had so many Oxford comebacks he might be Benedict Come-ber-back, could feature against Tranmere on Saturday while Jamie Hanson will be out for three and a half months. They didn’t say what the bad news was.

No, you’re a cheap shot, mate.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – A yabba Dabo doo

Saturday 31 August 2019

There was a right old ding dong at The Kassam on Saturday. Coventry were first to ding going 1-0 up, then donged along to double their lead. Jamie Mackie dinged a 20 yarder just after the hour before Fantaky Dabo donged one into his own net for 2-1. In the last minute they danged in what looked like the winner before Dabo dinged into his own net again for 3-3, four minutes into injury time.  

Monday 2 September 2019

KRob’s wife went mad when he turned up at home with another midfielder to add to his gargantuan collection. ‘THAT’ she said pointing an accusatory finger, ‘IS NOT STAYING IN MY HOUSE’. Oussama Zamouri is a Moroccan who has joined until Christmas. ‘I think I’m quite a technical player’ said Zamouri with a surprising lack of self-awareness. KRob’s has yet to tell his wife that he’ll be going to MidfielderCon in the summer to hang out with all the other midfield nerds dressed as Simon Clist.

The top man’s top man, Jakey Wright, Wright, Wright has signed for Bolton Wanderers on loan from Çhrîßtøphē Ŵîłdę’s Sheffield United. He’ll go right, right, right into the squad to face Oxford on the 17th.

Tuesday 3 September 2019

It’s an ill-conceived battle no one cares about fought by grown men acting like toddlers in which nobody ultimately wins. The Brexit of football tournaments, the MySpace.com Trophy, vomited into action with a 2-1 over Premier League Muppet babies; The Norwichlets. After going a goal down, Oxford’s equaliser came from Cameron Branagain-again with the winner coming from Shandon Baptiste, who KRob has labelled the best player in the whole damn universe.

Meanwhile, Tony McMahon has left the club by mutual disinterest.

Wednesday 4 September 2019

Jedward orphan, Mark Sykes will be donning his neon orange winkle pickers and making self-conscious peace signs to every available camera when he joins up with Northern Ireland to miss their games against Luxembourg and Germany. As a result he’ll miss the game against Fleetwood that he was never going to play in.

Thursday 5 September 2019

It was the Six Minute Thirteen Seconds Fans’ Forum on Radio Oxford with Zaki Nuseibeh on Thursday. There was a question about the stadiumsituation which was good because we hadn’t heard anything about the stadiumsituation since it was mentioned four and a half minutes ago. ‘It’s key to our sustainability’ claims AlanOUFC738472 #FPBE  in Wantage, who has really been thinking about it.

Reluctant commuter and former Oxford United assistant shoutsman Shaun Derry has resurfaced as Head of Isotonic drink distribution at Crystal Palace. Twinkletoed turncoat Gavin Whyte twinkled his toes in Northern Ireland’s 1-0 win over Luxembourg while Mark Sykes watched longingly from the bench.

Friday 6 September 2019

Tomorrow Oxford head north to play Fleetwood Town, who are managed by misunderstood nasty piece of work Joey Barton, a thoughtful thug who has read books without pictures in.

Oxford are looking for their second league win of the season, and first ever over Fleetwood, but KRob’s not worried. If we maintain our performances , he said, we’ll climb the league, thus demonstrating an alarming misunderstanding of the fundamentals of how league tables work. We just need to stick to our principles, he said; one of which appears to be to concede a goal roughly every half-an-hour.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Parker, Pens

Saturday 24 August 2019

Like your gran after she’s eaten her bodyweight in Turkish Delight, there was some pretty obnoxious Gas around on Saturday. The club put on extra security for Matty Taylor’s return to his former club, Bristol Rovers. Fantasies around Taylor’s return turned out to be just that as he limped off after half-an-hour and we went down 3-1

Monday 26 August 2019

Like a railway announcer during autumn leaf fall; KRob has pinpointed why we’ve gone 3 games without a win – the wrong kind of goals. Our problem is that we’re scoring great goals, not scruffy ones, ‘if you take away the goals, we dominated’ he said possibly ignoring a key aspect of professional football.

Tuesday 27 August 2019

Oxford entertained East London millennial snowflakes Mi’Woh in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup on Tuesday. After going 2-0 down, two super-late goals from Jedward orphan Mark Sykes and James Henry forced the game to penalties which were won by Jose’s son John Mousinho who broke the net to settle the tie. They didn’t like that, but they don’t care, though they really do, because they’re actually very sensitive.  

Wednesday 28 August 2019

Dean Saunders is a former Oxford United goal machine turned TalkSport shock jock – the shock being how little he knows about football. On Wednesday Deano followed a well trodden path for Oxford goalscoring legends like Steve Anthrobus and John Durnin by being sent to prison, this time after refusing to take a breath test when stopped by the police. Saunders is appealing the decision on the grounds of diminished intelligence. 

In less incarcerated news, The Type 2 Diabetes Cup draw had an extra shot of insulin in it when we drew bubble-based buffoons We’stam at home in the next round

Thursday 29 August 2019

Former Leicester City player and Kidlington local Garry Parker, has been appointed Head of Setting Up The Reserves To Play Like The Opposition. The new role will be a blessed relief to Parker, who – if his club photo is anything to go by – got lost on a holiday trek through the jungle wearing just shorts and a pair of flip flops this summer only to be found looking tired and bewildered by local tribesmen.

This year’s Tsun Dai Remind Me Why We Signed Him has been announced as Kash Siddiqi. Siddiqi is a 33-year-old Pakistani international who will instantly be sent out on loan and forgotten. A sub-continental Tony McMahon. 

Friday 30 August 29

Tomorrow sees the visit of Coventry City in which Oxford are hoping to break a losing league streak longer than Jimmy Hill’s chin. Meanwhile in last night’s Six Minute 29 Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford it was Tiger who came to tea. On the stadiumsituation nothing has changed since the club were asked about the stadiumsituation last week, but Mr Chairman did imply another signing might be on his way.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts: Zebroski’s away goals count trouble

Sunday 2 June 2019

There was a Twitter takeover on Chris Zebroski’s socials this weekend. The Big Zebroski was on loan from Millwall in 2007 contributing a missed penalty in the Conference play-off semi-final defeat to Exeter City. He’ll be expecting more penalties after he met someone called Layla, who got him on his knees (probably). He’ll ‘be begging darling please’ after his wife tweeted from his account a series of incriminating messages between the man she is soon to call her ex and the women she called ‘Ugly Fat C***’ Layla’; which coincidentally was the working title of the Eric Clapton classic whose lyrics are painfully laced throughout this paragraph. Despite her posh quadruple barrelled name, we doubt she’ll ‘ease his worried mind’.

And in other news, Zebroski doesn’t have Twitter anymore.

Monday 3 June 2019

The club used Josh ‘Ruffles’ Ruffels to reveal next season’s home kit; thereby labelling him the player good enough to get game-time next season, but not good enough to be sold before August. According to the Puma marketing drones, the design includes a sublimated flux, which is either the faulty component of the Delorean in Back to the Future or the unintended consequence of consuming a jar full of pickled cucumbers.

Tuesday 4 June 2019

First West Brom now Middlesbrough are reported to be wafting a plate of smoked kippers in an attempt to lure Christophé Wïlldê back into the Championship. Wïlldê is unhappy that off-the-field problems may scupper Sheffield United’s relegation preparations and reports suggest that Boro are desperate to be brought down a bit after a year of Tony Pulis’ special brand of miserablism.

Wednesday 5 June

The club have announced that they’re to play a prestige friendly against Scottish giants Glasgow Rangers. If you’re not familiar with Scottish football, it’s a bit like The Conference, if two of the teams had a massive hang up about 5th century Scottish church reform. The Tax Avoidance Derby also offers an opportunity for entrepreneurial photographers to get KRob and Steven Gerrard pictures, which would make a great ‘before and after’ shot when promoting dangerous weight loss pills on the web.

Thursday 6 June

John Mousinho may be about to follow his dad Jose into management as KRob has told him that he won’t play much next season despite an appearance related contract extension. That’s like doing your marriage vows then leaning across to your beloved and whispering ‘that’s all just a figure of speech, right?’ KRob would like to offer Mousinho the opportunity to become a player-coach, or as he’ll be known ‘a coach’, or to use its technical term; cone management technician.

Friday 9 June

Grab a spatula, this news barrel won’t scrape itself. The club’s Head of Star Jumps Chris Short has signed a new contract for next season. Short, who is as handsome and rugged as Bear Grylls’ arsehole, is credited with improving the team’s fitness leading to a slew of 94th minute winners in the closing weeks of the season. He’ll be working on improving the other 93 when the players get back together in a few weeks.

Saturday 8 June

We’re assuming it was due to the relentless jumping about in silver drainpipes and orange winklepickers, but the Oxford United Jedward Gavin Sykes and Mark Whyte, or whatever, were split up for Northern Ireland’s game against Estonia. Whyte – who Sky reckoned is now worth £4 million – made his first competitive start for the national team in their 2-1 win whereas Sykes didn’t make the bench.