It’s August and Oxford United head out for their annual ‘well-season’ health check-up on Harley Street.
“Ah, come on in Mr…” the doctor pauses as he riffles through a pile of records “United, so good to see you again, how are you?”
“Good” says Oxford United “Better than I have been for a number of years in fact.”
“Hmm” says the doctor barely listening “I see you’ve had a few problems in past seasons, but you’ve been following our advice, I trust. Well, let’s see how you’re getting on. Go behind the screen and whip your trousers off.”
Following much rummaging, poking and coughing, Oxford United emerges from behind the screen buttoning his shirt up.
“So, how’s it looking doctor?”
“Hmm, not too bad” said the doctor looking over his half moon glasses “Your Stevenage and Luton look OK given your past. Your Wimbledon looks OK, Crawley, Ebbsfleet… good, very good.”
“There is on thing” he continued after a pause “Your Hayes and Yeading is a bit off colour. Has it always looked like this?”
“Well, yes.” said United a little perturbed “I’m sure it has” The truth is he never really checked it. It didn’t look terribly important.
“OK, well it’s probably nothing. Keep an eye on it. If it becomes painful or changes shape, come straight back in”
Several months pass, Oxford United’s Hayes and Yeading starts to itch, go a bit hard, change shape. Oxford United ignores all this; everything else is fine, life is generally good.
Eventually United returns to the doctor.
“Well Doc, I’m feeling really good, but I thought you ought to have a look at this” he says revealing his Hayes and Yeading.
“EE GADS!” says the Doctor, forgetting his bedside manner for a moment.
Startled, United asks the doctor to explain.
“Well, that’s a text book example of Minnows Stabuinthearse. It’s a common complaint, basically it’s a very small part of your body, you probably don’t even know it exists when you look at it in August. But you need to look after it as you would your Stevenage or Luton. If you don’t, there can be complications…”
“And what does it mean Doctor?” Said United
The Doctor looked United in the eyes and spoke.
“Oh, you’ll be dead within by April.” He said.