George Lawrence’s Shorts: Déjà Crewe

Saturday 14 November 2020

Might Oxford loanee Marcus McGuane be heading back to his parent club? Obviously, no, but it’s one of those weeks so let’s pretend he might and we care. Chris Hughton is currently the manager of Nottingham Forest, and, while it’s not certain that he’ll be manager of Nottingham Forest by the time you reach the end of this sentence, he’s currently assessing his options, including his loanees, in preparation for making some tweaks to his squad in January. 

Sunday 15 November 2020

Oxford head to crisis club Wigan Athletic on Saturday. It’s been a grim time for Wigan who are bottom of the table and are in such despair that manager John Sheridan recently decided that Swindon Town was a better place to work. Despite rumours of a takeover, first team coach Leam Richardson and academy manager Gregor Rioch will reside over their 2-0 win against us on Saturday. And if you’re thinking, this isn’t news, remember; it’s only Sunday.

Monday 16 November 2020

The Guardian have taken it upon themselves to list Britain’s 10 most unsuccessful stadium moves. Yeah, yeah, we’ve heard it all before; we’ve only got three sides and the wind blows in four different directions at the same time. Did you know you can see a cinema from inside the ground? We can take the banter, although we have to admit, it was a bit of a kick in the balls to find we’re featured alongside two stadiums that aren’t even being used as football grounds anymore and a third that doesn’t exist.

Tuesday 17 November 2020

‘We owe you Crewe, we’ll show ‘em, grrr’ KRob shook his fist theatrically to the sky. A sense of injustice really got the boys fired up on Tuesday as Crewe eventually turned up to the Kassam for their much postponed league fixture. And we really stuck it to them, really showed them who’s boss, yes, we lost 2-0, but we delayed their second goal until the final minute. Ha! Who’s laughing now? 

Wednesday 18 November 2020

Crewe’s manager Dave Artell has been reflecting on his success on Tuesday ‘We haven’t got any idiots’ said the man who drove his Covid-ridden team into the Kassam to tell KRob that he had a Covid-ridden team on the bus. We agree, none of the players are idiots. 

GLS was part of a legendary primary school team that once proudly limited their local rivals, St Hilda’s Preparatory School for Misanthropic Tories, to just fourteen goals without reply. It was on the back of this great achievement, that GLS stood at the end of the school year with the ‘Spirit and Effort Award’ – which was conceived by a kindly needlework teacher for kids who might eat dirt, but at least turn up to stuff. It’s similar to the shameful pride that Oxford felt when they found out they’re in the play-offs when it comes to fair-play league, currently sitting fifth

Thursday 19 November 2020

It was the Nine Minute Thirty-Eight Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with KRob on Thursday. KRob came out in defence of his beleaguered squad, and we meant that metaphorically, not that he had a pass into midfield intercepted and found himself woefully out of position. Team issues would be kept internal, he said, before resolutely not revealing to everyone that Nico Jones was ‘miles away’ from the first team, Jose’s son, John Mousinho has a potentially season ending knee issue, Cameron Brannagain has a potentially sight ending eye issue and Jedward third wheel Joel Cooper is currently dealing with a crisis in Northern Ireland, though we feel he’s woefully under-qualified to address the threats to The Good Friday Agreement resulting from Brexit.

Friday 20 November 2020

Oxford travel to Wigan tomorrow with KRob reassessing the reasons for his team’s poor start to the season. On Tuesday it was a lack of pride. Now it’s too much. One issue is a lack of sleep with Alex Gorrin ‘rewinding the game’ throughout the night to analyse what went wrong, presumably on his Betamax video player (ask your dead grandad, kids).

In other news, Oxford have been drawn against sandal wearing, Guardian reading, woke vegans Forest Green Rovers in whatever the next round of the Papa Johns Trophy is. It’ll be a good game though, but like this week’s GLS, we doubt it’ll be a meat feast.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Extension Robellion

Saturday 5 September 2020

Uh oh, who’s that with the lute and the harlequin tights frolicking through the bluebells? Why, it’s GLS The Bard. Bard, what song have you for us this very day?

Hey nonny, nonny…

#There was a young man called Cameron Brannagan
In the League Cup he played the Wimbledon
He got one goal, then slotted in again
Good old Cameron Brannagan begin again.#

And while GLS The Bard dislodges his lute from The Place Lutes Shouldn’t Fit, we can also report that KRob excitedly announced that he’s about to put pen to paper on a new contract.

Sunday 6 September 2020

The Bellshill Bounder, Chris Maguire, has been singing the praises of Kemar Roofe predicting that his old chum will net 20 goals for Rangers this season. “He often played on either wing” said Maguire “Occasionally, he’d be put through the middle, he was excellent at getting in behind and running channels. He made that role his own”. What role is that Chris? The Headless Chicken?

There was plenty of hand sanitizer available as sweaty men gathered to fumble their ball bags for the second round draw of the Type 2 Diabetes Cup. Oxford drew the team they call The Waitrose Luton; Watford.  

Monday 7 September 2020

You’ve got to have a bit of luck in football; and there’s none luckier than Dean Saunders. Last year Deano avoided jailtime having been caught speeding, swerving over the road and refusing to take a breathalyser test while stinking of alcohol because it would have prevented him from carrying out his live saving work as a football pundit. Now, it seems he’s been smearing white rabbits all over his perm, because despite his bin-fire of a managerial career, he’s been listed as a possible manager of New York Red Bulls. The attraction of the energy drink to dampen the effects of his hangovers is likely to be a key draw. 

Tuesday 8 September 2020

As we’re driven into oblivion by a government kowtowing to Russian oligarchs, openly breaking international law and killing your gran for the benefit of Pret A Manger, there are only two things that will survive armageddon; cockroaches and the EFL Trophy.

On Tuesday we took on the “Chelsea” Muppet Babies in our first group game winning 2-1. Dan Agyei cleaned up the first before Derick Osei Yaw stayed cool Trigger and got the second. 

Wednesday 9 September 2020

He talks a racket, he earns a packet, his coat’s like Missy Elliot’s puffa jacket; KRob has signed his new contract. The deal will take him through to 2024; or as it will then be known, the 9th national lockdown. 

Thursday 10 September 2020

When GLS was a young boy, he was sent to the Netherlands to find himself and become a man. After several kilograms of Bubba Kush and a seven foot German in a sailor suit called Dietmar, he returned transformed. A similar fate surely awaits Liverpudlian wunderkind Ben Woodburn, who has been loaned out to Sparta Rotterdam for the season.

Friday 11 September 2020

KRob’s celebrating his new contract with a special treat, signing Sam Winnall who had been released by Sheffield Wednesday. The man they call The Ginger Danny Hylton should be available for the start of the new season. Yes, after wins over Wimbledon and “Chelsea”, it’s time to roll out the big guns and start the season for real with a trip to MApp’s Lincoln City. It’s a big season for a lot of players with Jedward Orphan Mark Sykes unphased by being given the number 10 shirt. ‘It’s got such a rich history’ Sykes may have said ‘I’m going to do everything I can to follow in the footsteps of the greatest Oxford United number 10s like Courtney Pitt, Jamie Guy and Craig Farrell.’ Legends every one of them.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – The Bayo Tapestry

George Lawrence’s Shorts hasn’t wasted furlough; eschewing the opportunity to learn conversational Farsi or master jazz oboe we’ve joined Amateur Epidemiologists On Twitter. We’re a group of enthusiasts pooling years of experience fixing drains and answering customer service queries to misinterpret statistics to confirm our preconceived prejudices. We treat our virology data like our art – we don’t know much about it, but we know what we like. Stay home > Make Memes > Save the NHS. 

But that was then, this is now; GLS is pulling on its summer shorts, resting its gut over the elasticated waste and bringing you the news from the Oxford United universe.  

Monday 13 July 2020

Oxford’s mammoth season ended in ultimate disappointment as they fell to a 2-1 defeat against Wycombe Akinfenwanderers in the League 1 Play-Off Final. The chairboys felt right at home in the empty Wembley Stadium going ahead when Anthony AkinStewa(rt) headed in after eight minutes. We equalised through Jedward orphan Mark Sykes with a goal Ade Akinfenwa described as ‘Akinfenwa-like’. The winner came from a spot kick scored by Akinfenwanderers Akindefenda, Joe Jacobson.

Tuesday 14 July 2020

It was the morning after the night before and time to reflect on what might have been or might will be again. With the financial realities of the impending financial catastrophe coming into sharp focus we need our friends more than ever. Perhaps former Oxford United director Ghislaine Maxwell can help, she seems like a nice person with friends in high places. Once a yellow, always a yellow, eh Gizzy?

The oily bird catches the worm, and news is that Bristol City’s biggest and oiliest bird, Mark Ashton, could be set to roll out the big guns when he unveils his new manager. MApp has been linked with a move into the Championship

Wednesday 15 July 2020

We go again, as they say. Jedward orphan Mark Sykes may go again to Stoke to join the former Northern Ireland manager Michael O’Neill. Meanwhile £5m defender sulky teenager Rob Dickie could go again to Nottingham Forest who have joined Derby County and Leeds United in the race to sign him for £3m. Expect the fee to be around £750,000.  

Thursday 16 July 2020

Come on Monday, Happy Days!
Tuesday, Wednesday, Happy Days!
Thursday, Friday, Happy Days!
The weekend comes, my cycle hums,
Ready to race to yooooou.

Wait, that’s not right, what happened to Tsun Dai? Well, he’s moved to Shenzhen in China after a year at Wolves.

Friday 17 July 2020

Straight out of a two-year-old’s hide and seek playbook – if I close my eyes and can’t see them, they can’t see me – Boris Johnson is to ignore all the risks and re-open football stadiums in October. We know that when the Kassam is full it’s like a cauldron, though not often full of viral spores. Some protective measures will have to be in place to protect the most infirm; or South Stand Upper as it’s known, but what the heck, we’re going back, spread the word, let’s make this thing go viral.

Saturday 18 July 2020

Can Oxford bounce back from their play-off disappointment? KRob’s given his verdict and it’s unequivocally a yes, or no, or, and we cannot be clearer about this; maybe. You see, KRob is having one of his periodic back me or sack me (but, obviously don’t sack me, I didn’t mean it literally) moments. He’s pleading to the Oxford board to build on the successes of last season. “I owed Oxford United for two reasons” said KRob “Giving me the opportunity to come home to my family every night and for sticking with me in the bad times.” That’s us; the big selling point of Oxford United is that it’s in Oxford. 

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Karlito’s away

Saturday 22 February 2020

The big back wheels fell off The Tractor Boys’ promotion hopes on Saturday as Oxford strolled to a win 1-0 at Ipswich Town. Matty Taylor and James Henry combined to harvest the winner just before half-time.  

Sunday 23 Feb February 2020

Shandon The Baptiste has been talking about his step up to the Championship. ‘It’s the intensity that’s different’, said Baptiste reading from his Beginners Guide To Things To Say When Stepping Up A Division. The mind boggles when KRob’s ‘low intensity’ is like having colonic irrigation from a Karcher jet washer.

Monday 24 February 2020

Accrington are in town tomorrow and we’ve got some injury woes. Nathan Holland, Jedward Orphan Mark Sykes and Anthony Forde are all doubts. As a result Rob Atkinson has been recalled from Eastleigh. If Oxford United do throw away their chances of promotion, it’ll probably hit one of our midfielders and put them out of the game for six months.

Tuesday 25 February 2020

Accrington, a team that was formed solely for the purpose of being a punchline to a milk advert, were semi-skimmed alive on Tuesday in a 3-0 win. Matty Taylor delivered the first before James Henry had the bottle to add a second, Taylor gold-topped it off with the third. We are now in such great form only a global pandemic can stop us.

The game was marred by the news that the club have turned down a move from Blackpool for KRob. It was the most unwelcome proposition in Blackpool since Rear View Rita, the landlady of the Seafront Vista B&B, suggestively offered GLS an extra special donkey ride on holiday last year.

Wednesday 26 February 2020

The club have acted quickly to quash those Blackpool rumours as KRob stood by smiling awkwardly like a Tory MP’s wife after he’d been caught in a flat in Streatham wearing a nappy and snorting talcum powder. 

Elsewhere, Shandon The Baptiste has continued his goalscoring form at Brentford neatly slotting past his own goalkeeper after nine minutes against Luton Town.

Thursday 27 February 2020

It was the Six Minute Forty One Second Fans Forum with KRob on Thursday, who at the time of writing is the manager of Oxford United. In it he removed all doubts about his future saying that the board hadn’t given him any reassurances and he didn’t want a new contract. He also reminded us how he walked out on Charlton mid-season. He’ll be on holiday when the club have their pre-season training camp in Spain and if we end up playing Swindon next season getting a good result it’ll be ‘nothing to do with him’. So that’s quashed that one.

Friday 28 February 2020

The greatest mind in football, Brexit Sol Campbell brings his Southend side to the Kassam on Saturday. Brexit Sol is on a different paradigm to us mortals, he joined the Shrimpers with the explicit intention of getting them out of the division as quickly as possible. So, while everyone else tries to get out via the top, Sol’s found a secret exit at the other end nobody else has thought of. Genius. He reckons with the application of his great intellect, he’ll be out of there by March.

George Lawrences Shorts: Karl Mechanics

Saturday 1 February 2020

Blackpool is a famous place for breaking your duck in a gritty and uncomfortable way. Fittingly, Oxford popped it’s 2020 league victory cherry on Saturday with a tough 2-1 win against the Seasiders. Afterwards KRob confirmed that he wasn’t planning to bring in any free-agents unless there were any legends in the Oxford area who fancied a game. Martin Keown is adjusting his shin pads as we speak.

Sunday 2 February 2020

Half-man, half KFC Family Bucket, Gillingham boss, Steve Evans, says he fended off an unnamed Championship team to land former Oxford loanee Jordan Graham who has joined them until the end of the season. The reason Evans hasn’t named the club is due to professional integrity, ethics and the fact he’s lying.

Monday 3 February 2020

Mystery injury magnet and former Oxford winger, Marvin Johnson has definitely not been talking about getting a new contract at Middlesborough. ‘Of course I want to stay’ he said, not talking about it, ‘it’s not in my mind’ he added firmly putting it out of his mind, ‘It’s not important to me right now’ he said, shutting down the very thought of it.

Meanwhile, GLS feared the worst when Joey Beauchamp’s name appeared in a news story with 15 school children from Cardiff. It turns out he was listed as a ‘famous’ member of MENSA alongside TV critic Gary Bushell and former Miss Rochdale Laura Shields.

Tuesday 4 February 2020

It was an avalanche of Lonsdale tracksuits and Donnay golf shoes on Tuesday as Sports Direct’s Newcastle returned to the Kassam for the FA Cup replay. It was an emotional rollercoaster as we battled back from 2-0 to force extra-time before going down 3-2.

Extra-time created a cultural earthquake as Holby City and Silent Witness were both cancelled. Nobody embedded themselves into the national psyche like the Newcastle fan who ingratiated himself with the locals by doing the patented Gavin Whyte Wave while celebrating The Toon’s winner.

The Telegraph has been talking to Gary Bloom who has been working with the club as a psychotherapist. Psychotherapy is about getting inside a someone’s head, a shuddering thought when it comes to Jamie Mackie.

The step-over kid Tariqe Fosu has been talking about his move from Oxford to Brentford, like a 56 year old lottery winner dumping his family for a pneumatic 22 year old pole dancer, he says he was gutted to leave Oxford before shrugging ‘but that’s football’.

Wednesday 5 February 2020

KRob was omnipresent on Wednesday. During the day he met the flippin’ Duke of flippin’ Cambridge to discuss mental health issues. The two shared stories of their mental health challenges. The Duke talked about his uncle befriending a convicted sex trafficker and his brother being hounded out of the country by the racist right-wing press, KRob spoke movingly about the mental challenges of dealing with a foul throw that was wrongly given against Rochdale last season.

This was a mere aperitif as KRob then headed for Oxford’s Senior Cup defeat at Banbury in the evening. There was more cup heartache as a young side went out after penalties. On the upside, KRob drew the half-time raffle with the winner receiving nearly nine pounds in prize money.

Elsewhere, your daughters are safe as Jedward orphan, Mark Sykes may have to pass up his lost week in Magaluf this year to head off to Euro 2020 with Northern Ireland. Meanwhile, Tariqe Fosu could be lollypopping his way to a place in the Ghanian national team.

Thursday 6 February 2020

It was the Seven Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Thursday with, who else? KRob. With the club playing as well as it has for decades, one ray of sunshine asked how he can convince his daughter to support Oxford rather than Liverpool when the club sells its best players. You don’t need to sell it to her, mate, just put her up for adoption.

Friday 7 February 2020

It’s Peterborough tomorrow who are managed by Darren Ferguson, the son of legend Sir Alex Ferguson. Dazza is a chip off the old managerial block being a garralous Scotsman. But don’t let that fool you, he’s his own man as well, one thing that really sets him apart from his dad is his lack of managerial success.

Oxford United’s attempt at taking over the world took one-step closer when it was announced that former yellow Craig Harrington has become the new head coach at the Utah Royals. This answers the questions ‘whatever happened to Craig Harrington?’ and ‘who the hell is Craig Harrington?’.

George Lawrences Shorts: Ooh, my Dickie ticker

Saturday 7 December 2019

There was a lot of camaraderie on the touchline on Saturday as both managers agreed their team was best after the 0-0 draw with Shrewsbury. With injuries to Anthony Forde and James Henry, Oxford ended the game with so many casualties, Boris Johnson promised to build 426 new hospitals on the moon to treat them all, and people believed him too. 

Sunday 8 December 2019

Angle faced Shrewsbury manager Sam Ricketts felt his team were well worth their point; “You could hear the home supporters getting frustrated.” he said. This is a familiar sound to the former Oxford player who heard it every time he appeared at the Kassam.

Monday 9 December 2019

Bad news from Saturday after it was revealed that Anthony Forde popped his lung resulting from his broken ribs. It’s possible that James Henry’s injury is not as bad as first thought; so we can all breathe more easily about that. Unless you’re Anthony Forde, of course.

Tuesday 10 December 2019

Sad news as it was announced that dome bonced managerial genius Jim Smith had died. Smith was responsible for unprecedented success at the club, signing legends like John Aldridge, Billy Hamilton, Trevor Hebberd and Gary Twigg. He was also the man responsible for George Lawrence pulling on a pair of unnecessarily tight shorts for the club. We love you Jim.  

The Milton Keynes Jim Smith, KRob, is still sorely missed at MK Dons. In six years he guided them to The Championship, developed players like George Baldock and Deli Ali and literally didn’t steal another club’s place in the league.

Wednesday 11 December 2019

Potty mouthed KRob has been charged by the FA. He’ll contest the accusation because he thinks it’s a fucking pile of cunting bollocks.

Thursday 12 December 2019

Pocket racist Sam Deering has been talking to something called the World Football Index about his ‘career’. The best player he’s played with is Ricky Holmes who is currently plying his trade in the (physio’s treatment room of the) Premier League. Sadly there was no tribute to any ‘Paki nurses’ who looked after him when he was injured.

There is no obstacle we can’t overcome after it was revealed that in FIFA 20 not only do Oxford United need to beat Championship Millwall in the virtual world, they have to do it with a zombified version of Leeds United striker Patrick Bamford standing in the centre-circle.

He’s a cryin’ talking’ sleepin’ walkin’ livin’ haystack; Boris Johnson has swept to victory in the General Election. We can reveal the secret to his baffling success – his campaign bus of lies was the Oxford United’s first team’s coach. It’s got that winning vibe.

Friday 13 December 2019

It’s the Crazy Gang on Saturday as we head for footballing pariahs MK Dons for the start of the 12 Days of Footballmas. Bookie monster Alex Gorrin is back and James Henry might make the bench, so while the our midfield woes could be clearing up, our defensive troubles may be just around the corner; Derby County are apparently interested in sulky sixth former Rob Dickie. Oh good.