George Lawrence’s Shorts – Countdown conundrums

Saturday 24 April 2021

It’s like Countdown around here, after the 3-1 win Plymouth on Saturday. The win propelled Oxford into the fifth. Teams around us have games in hand, but with plenty of opportunities to drop points, two wins from the last two games could still see Oxford make the top six. A consonant, please Rachel.

Sunday 25 April 2021

Following yesterday’s defeat, after conceding 16 goals in 6 games and losing 9 in their last 13 games Plymouth manager Ryan Lowe has become a great all-seeing sage by revealing a controversial theory about what’s going wrong at the Devon club. “We’re not good enough.” he said, sitting in the lotus position banging his chakra.

Monday 26 April 2021

KRob’s a fugitive on the run from the law, the Feds at the FA have got him banged to rights and charged him with ‘improper and/or violent conduct’ relating to the ill-tempered game against Premier League One side Sunderland earlier this month. KRob ended up doing porridge in the slammer during that game after referee Trevor Kettle sent him to the stands. Now he’s back in front of the beak, but he ain’t no grass. 

Tuesday 27 April 2021

Ole! The bookie monster Alex Gorrin has signed a contract extension until 2022 alongside Jedward Orphan Mark Sykes. Gorrin received lots of cards from friends to celebrate the news, mostly yellow ones for shin high lunging tackles.  

Wednesday 28 April 2021

From the GLS vaults labelled ‘are you absolutely shitting me?’ comes news that Burton Albion are planning to use our last game of the season for a virtual ‘staying up’ party. Burton were rock bottom of the table, but with Flimmy Joyd Basselhank at the helm they’ve climbed their way to safety, it’s now party time. 

Thursday 29 April 2021

The League One Team of the season has been revealed and Rob Atkinson has secured one of the centre-back spots. It’s been an impressive season for Atkinson who last year was playing non-league football at Eastleigh. Before that he was West Brom and Manchester United manager with a nifty line in sheepskin coats and chunky gold jewelry.

Friday 30 April 2021

As the season draws to the end, again, the rumour mill starts to turn, again, this time, it’s news that a Championship team are in the hunt, again, for Cameron Brannagain, again. This time it’s Preston North End who are interested in the midfielder. Brannagain would join Ryan Ledson at Deepdale; so expect a surge in sales of double-strength shin pads to the Championship next season. 

Saturday 1 May 2021

Oxford’s 3-2 comeback win over Shrewsbury Town on Saturday guaranteed that the season will go to the last day. A win over Burton could see the yellows sneak into the play-offs. There is some debate about how you pronounce Shrewsbury; does it rhyme with ‘lose’ as in ‘Shrewsbury lose to Oxford’ or does it rhyme with ‘throws’ as in ‘Shrewsbury throws away their lead again’?

Sunday 2 May 2021

The comb-over Sam Long, Dave Langan has been reflecting on mixing it with the hoi polloi during his time at Oxford United in the 1980s. As well as negotiating contracts with Robert Maxwell, he also spent time with Oxford director and alleged child sex trafficker, Maxwell’s daughter, Ghislane. “She seemed really down to earth. She was just like a normal person.” he said, unlike any of the sex trafficking, friend of a billionaire paedophiles he’d met before.

Monday 3 May 2021

KRob loves a good ding dong, and there’s a proper ding dang do coming up next Sunday. “Roll on next Sunday and the balls start rolling again.” he said eating a bacon roll, having a stroll, stroking a foal. 

Tuesday 4 May 2021

Sheffield United’s transformation into the t’Oxford is nearly complete as they seek a big gun to replace Chris Wilder. After Wilder, Jake Wright, John Lundstram and George Baldock; rumours are that Mr Big Guns himself, MApp, is the next Oxford alumni to join the club as manager. PClot’s Malmo 2010 WhatsApp group was buzzing at the prospect of getting the gang back together at Bramall Lane in a couple of years. Ago Mehmeti said he’ll make a big chilli for the reunion.

Wednesday 5 May 2021

KRob was in the dock on Wednesday as he faced a charge of improper and/or violent conduct after the shenanigans at Sunderland. Due to the pandemic, the case was held over Zoom, where the Oxford boss stated his case with passion and panache. “YOU HAVE NO AUTHORITY HERE”, he screamed “READ THE STANDING ORDERS, READ THEM AND UNDERSTAND THEM”.

Thursday 6 May 2021

McGuane in Spain was quickly on the plane, but he’s delighted to be taking the step up from playing for Barcelona, Arsenal and Nottingham Forest after signing a three year contract at Oxford.

Jose’s son John Mousinho is a real box-to-box-file player. He’s been elected as chair of the new PFA players’ board. This is not to be confused with the Playaz Board, which organises custom sports cars, expensive jewelry and spit roasting sessions for aspiring Premier League teenagers.  

Friday 7 May 2021

Life is like a box of chocolates for Josh Ruffels, he’s got his pick of the teams to sign for next season when his contract expires. Now rumours are surfacing that he could become a Nottingham Forest chump

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Flat Stanley

Saturday 3 April 2021

It wasn’t such a good Friday on Good Friday, you could call it a… ‘Bad Friday’… hmm? You see, we’ve transposed the ‘Good’ with the word ‘Bad’ despite the etymological origins of Good in Good Friday being God and not good. The following day, after an alleged headbutting, sending-off and controversial winner the Sunderland Echo took time out to report on a briefly posted, then deleted, tweet from Cameron Brannagain.   

Sunday 4 April 2021

In news that sends shockwaves around the world, people are reeling to discover that KRob may have overreacted when he said the police would be called to investigate the alleged headbutt on Jack Stevens against Sunderland. ‘We won’t be proceeding with the complaint’, said the club’s official eye-roll emoji.  

Monday 5 April 2021

Accrington Stanley-knifed our play-off chances with a 2-1 win over the stuttering yellows on Monday. After a poor start and conceding an early goal, Oxford equalised through Eliot Lee before Stanley scored a 70th minute winner in a moment as bleak any time someone says ‘who are they?’ whenever the Lancashire club is mentioned.

Tuesday 6 April 2021

Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has put the record straight in the argument over whether he shouldn’t be picked for Republic of Ireland or shouldn’t be picked for Northern Ireland. ‘I’m an Irish person, I want to play for the Republic of Ireland. It’s that simple’, said the Belfast-born former Northern Ireland Under 21. Couldn’t be simpler.

Meanwhile, Oxford fans are grieving that Jack Stevens could be leaving because of what he’s achieving and Nottingham Forest fans are in pain that Marcus McGuane may begin an Oxford reign, ‘that’s insane’ was their refrain.

Wednesday 7 April 2021

Like a toddler taking himself off to the naughty step for filling his nappy, KRob’s decided that he’ll voluntarily take himself to stands next time Trevor Kettle refs a game. “Industrial language is used not just by me but by him” said KRob “Yet I’m the one who gets punished.” Which is a bit like the pot calling the Kettle ‘c**t’.

Thursday 8 April 2021

KRob was the selectah on the Radio Oxford 10 Minute 26 Second Fans Forum which, frankly, isn’t even trying anymore. He said he was more than happy to commit the time in the name of transparency. Questions were all about players. ‘Will Josh Ruffels sign a new contract?’ Maybe, said KRob transparently. ‘Are Joel Cooper and Sean Clare in his plan?’ Perhaps, he said translucently. ‘Can we sign Marcus McGuane and Brandon Barker?’ Clearly he can’t say. ‘Will Brannagain sign again? Or Jack Stevens be at the club next season?’ We’ll see, he concluded transpicuously.

Meanwhile, sensible Simon Eastwood has been reviewing his medium-risk diversified ethical ISA and decided to commit another three years to the club. Sensible Simon said it was a great deal for his family before checking his oil, rotating his tyres and driving off in his Kia Sportage.

Friday 9 April 2021

Jonjoe Kenny, who is currently on loan at Celtic, wants to end his nomadic career. The former Oxford loanee has played ten games for Celtic, losing one; or relegation form as over-indulged Bhoys fans call it. Still, after four loan spells Kenny is keen to settle. ‘Every stop I make, I make a new friend, can’t stay for long, just turn around and I’m gone again.’ said the Littlest Hobo. 

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Jakarta Stevens

Saturday 13 March

Oxford were meticulously dismantled 2-0 on Saturday by Hull City. It reminded GLS of his childhood catching flies and slowly dismantling them limb by limb and wing by wing. Do Hull City also keep rusted car parts in the front garden and eat cold beans from a tin?

Sunday 14 March 2021

Hull manager Grant McCann was impressed by his team’s performance yesterday. “We’ve shown a real calmness and maturity … they play in a certain way, which is difficult to play against at times” said McCann. That ‘certain way’ being the equivalent of a mad scramble when you put your foot on something wet in a children’s ball pool. Hull look in good shape for promotion; if anyone can, Grant McCann can.

Monday 15 March 2021

KRob has confirmed he doesn’t plan to commit career suicide by taking on the vacant position at Birmingham City. He still has ambition to make Oxford United one of the top 30 teams in the country – a vibe which could be described as ‘headliners on Quest, last on Match of the Day’. 

Tuesday 16 March 2021

KRob said he wants to take the handbrake off for the rest of the season, begging the question why we’ve had the handbrake on for most of this season’s journey. Surprisingly, the new philosophy didn’t plunge us into a ravine as we ran Doncaster ragged with a three goal mauling at The Kassam.

Wednesday 17 March 2021

The Doncaster press have set upon their team after their woeful performance last night. Superlatives include “reckless passes out from the back”, “gave the ball away a lot”, “really sloppy with possession” “shut out too easily [and] slow to find space”. We think this was an unfair assessment, they weren’t that good.

Thursday 18 March 2021

The appliance of sports science, that’s the KRob way. Rotating his squad has been the key to a return to form in recent weeks. “Something we did on Saturday might not impact the team until next weekend.” said KRob sounding like your gran when she’s trying to describe her last proper bowel movement “Something we did two weeks ago might have had an impact on Tuesday.”

Friday 19 March 2021

Rumours are swirling around that the club is about to be taken over by an Indonesian consortium. Any foreign ownership brings fears of reputation washing, money laundering and illicit betting scams, but Oxford are big news in Indonesia. People still talk of the Rob Duffy Riots in Jarkarta after the 2007 Conference Play-Off failure and it’s a little known fact that Tom Newey and David Hunt are now the Indonesian equivalent of Ant and Dec. “Saya seorang selebriti, keluarkan saya dari sini!!!” as they say.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: The lunar-tics taking over the asylum

Saturday 6 February 2021

GLS hasn’t had an unfamiliar sensation like this since the doctor told him she needed to use the extra long lance. Apparently we suffered what’s known as ‘a loss’ on Saturday against Doncaster Rovers. This is an Old English term historians believe was last used in the Oxford area around the birth of Christ, or ‘Sam Long’ as he’s more conventionally known. An approximate translation is something along the lines of ‘WHAT THE FUDGING HECK WERE YOU DOING REF? HOW IS THAT NOT A PENALTY?’. 

Sunday 7 February 2021

Last year, the country was in thrall as Coleen Rooney took to Twitter to call out Rebekah Vardy for leaking stories to the tabloids. The affair was dubbed ‘Wagatha Christie’. Well, season two just dropped, it’s… A Touch of Fost. 

Ex-Oxford United central defender Luke Foster, spoke to The Mirror about his relationship with Vardy back in the early-2000s. He couldn’t cope with her relentless demands for the fame and glamour associated with dating one of the Conference’s most sought-after mid-table central defenders. Foster was left penniless when she traveled to games with him, sometimes blowing as much as £19 in Droylsden’s exclusive charity boutiques. 

Monday 8 February 2021

There’s more to Bristol Rovers Peaky Blinder Paul Tisdale than turn-ups and a pair of vintage Adidas Spezials, he’s also got a distressed t-shirt of a band he’s never heard of with the sleeves torn off. Tomorrow we head for Bristol Rovers just two weeks after beating them 2-0 at home.  “I think we’ve made some progress in terms of players” he said “and maybe some pattern that has improved since then.” Nothing barks improvement like no wins in nine, and two goals and two points out of twelve since our last game.

Tuesday 9 February 2021

*coquettishly puts fingers on lips and looks innocent*

What’s that? Oh, I’ve dropped something? This little thing? Another win? Oh silly me, let me bend down and pick it up. Gosh, I hope this skirt isn’t too short?

Yes, Oxford collect the wins like binmen collect the bins – almost every week, except for in inclement weather and with times adjusted to accommodate Bank Holidays. Goals from loanees Elliot Lee and Brandon Barker saw us cruise to a 2-0 win on Tuesday night

Wednesday 10 February 2021

After last night’s result Paul Tisdale has been told to pack his faux-vintage leather satchel (Primark, £7.99) and hit the high road. It’s been a torrid time for Tisdale who has only been in charge for 19 games, Matty Taylor has been on the phone to recruit him for Gas Hating Club and to ask him where he got that cashmere scarf from.  

Elsewhere, having received his Covid vaccine for being old and vulnerable, man-bun Ricky Holmes is currently limping around unconvincingly at Southend United’s training ground after leaving Northampton Town’s physio bench.

Thursday 11 February 2021

The Mirror have taken to wildly speculating who will take over as manager at Bournemouth. It’s a veritable racist paradise with both Jonathan Woodgate and John Terry in the running. One surprise name, though, is plucky non-racist KRob, whose been turning a few heads with his endeavours at Oxford. There’s a lot going for KRob; his results record, his record developing players and especially that the compo will be cheap when they fire him after six games and get Eddie Howe back again.

Friday 12 February 2021

KRob missed out on becoming manager of the month to Hull’s Grant McCann on Friday. Despite his perfect record in January, nobody can deny that Hull’s plummet down the form table to 11th hasn’t been eye-catching. Nothing could separate Josh Ruffels from Matty Lund of Rochdale for player of the month apart from their defensive records, goals per game, head-to-head record, league position and points accumulated; so the judges had to rely on the complicated football algorithm; alphabetical order, to make the decision. 

The club went and done a complete ‘normal’ again, announcing that it was introducing a new logo and planning a series of events to celebrate Chinese Lunar New Year, which is the Year of the Ox. The first of which was to postpone the game against Wigan on Saturday by 24 hours due to a frozen pitch – a Chinese dragon is on its way to help thaw the pitch out. Future events include trying to encourage Nick Harris to avoid calling his local takeaway the ‘Chinky’.

Meanwhile, the Sheffield Star have spun the wheel of random punditry to reveal that John Lundstram has been tipped to join Leeds United in the summer by former Aston Villa full-back Alan Hutton who has no obvious connection to any of the parties involved. Next month, Joe Skarz tipped for Borussia Mönchengladbach by Julian Joachim.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Wam! Bam! Thank you, Sam

Saturday 26 December 2020

Like GLS’ approach to sharing a tub of Celebrations, Oxford left with the bounty against Wimbledon after a 2-0 win on Boxing Day. Despite goals from Matty Taylor and Jordan Obita, star of the show was goalkeeper Jack Stevens who made a string of saves to prevent The Dons from getting back into the game. We haven’t seen reactions like that since the time GLS’ mum opened a crotchless pearl thong from his dad in front of nan one Christmas. 

Sunday 27 December 2020

Poor old Glyn Hodges is bemused by his team’s inability to score against Oxford yesterday. After creating a host of chances, they left with nothing. Hodges is looking on the bright side; “we created a lot of chances against a side, for me, that were the best in this division by a country mile…” he said causing us to beam with pride “…last season.” he added. Oh.

Monday 28 December 2020

GLS has found his best gold lame jacket and slicked down his combover with half a tub of brylcreem because it’s time to announce… CoVid Postponement Of The Week. Yes, our game against Doncaster Rovers has been postponed on 5th January. The game is expected to be rescheduled for 63rd Jantembuary 2028. 

Meanwhile Cowboy Chris Cadden could be about to mount his trusty steed and head back to the old country after it was revealed Columbus Crew may seek to off load him. Both Oxford and Hibs are said to be interested.

Tuesday 29 December 2020

Headington United’s Sam Long was the star of the show on Tuesday night scoring a wonder goal at Plymouth Argyle in a 3-2 win. Long burst out of his own half, exchanged passes with Daryl Clare and slotted home having run some 60 yards to score. Some didn’t think Long had it in his legs, but he’s been doing double shifts down at the Headington quarry in between games. 

Wednesday 30 December 2020

If Boris Johnson styles himself as the pandemic’s Winston Churchill, then KRob is becoming its Vera Lynn. The nation’s sweetheart has been on Radio 4’s Today Programme (woo! Get you) complaining that the lower leagues have got sloppy with their CoVid testing regimes. He then prepared himself to sing a rousing chorus of The White Cliffs of Dover, but there suddenly wasn’t time.

Elsewhere, it’s been revealed that Oxford were the 8th best team in League 1 in 2020, GLS has been pouring over the stats trying to glean some meaning from that fact, to which there’s none.

Thursday 31 December 2020

Rangers manager Steven Gerrard’s quest to create McOxford at Ibrox could be about to take a step closer. John Lundstram may be set for a move after turning down a new contract at Sheffield United. No less an authority on all things John Lundstram-related – yes, Gabi Agbonlahor – has said he’d jump at the chance. Next week: why George Waring holds the key to Auld Firm dominance by Lee Cattemole.

Friday 1 January 2021

Oxford visit Burton Albion tomorrow looking to make it four wins in a row. The Brewers haven’t had a permanent manager since the departure of Nigel Clough in the summer. Burton’s taste in managers is like a two-year old fussy eater who will only eat pasta or chips for tea as Jimmy Flloyd Hasselbaink returns for his 227th stint in charge.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Donkor Kong

Saturday 5 December 2020

It was a momentous day on Saturday as fans were finally allowed back into the stadium for the visit of Hull City. The fans were buoyed by a decent performance against the top of the table Tigers, which ended in a 1-1 draw. Plenty of precautions were taken to ensure supporters were safe, they were asked to take their own food and drink, wear masks and maintain at least two metres distance or ‘touch tight’ as our defence call it. 

Monday 7 December 2020

Vegan sandal wearing Extinction Rebels Forest Green Rovers visit the Kassam on Tuesday for a lactose free Veggie Supreme Papa John Pizza Trophy game. History is set to be made with a local Oxford schoolboy added to the home squad. GLS asked Big Janet from the papershop to the game on a date. Unfortunately when he said, with a knowing smile, ‘You never know, Gatlin O’Donkor could make his debut’ she looked alarmed, called him a pervert and kneed him in the groin.

Elsewhere, Basford United, coached by former Oxford lazybones Rob Duffy, will resume their season this week with the visit of Rushall Olympic in the FA Trophy. Duffy isn’t concerned about the six week break his team had during the lockdown; he was often idle for weeks on end in between efforts during his playing days in the Conference.

Tuesday 8 December 2020

Forest Green Rovers were mulched up and recycled out of the Papa John’s Trophy last night on penalties. Gatlin O’Donkor made his debut from the bench, becoming the youngest ever Oxford players and scoring the first penalty. It’s back down to Earth for O’Donkor who will be at school in the morning, he’s got PE first thing and his kit’s in the wash meaning he’ll have to do it in his pants and vest.

Wednesday 9 December 2020

KRob thinks his yellow card spurred a revival in his team last night.  “I don’t like people saying ‘you’re getting relegated and we’re getting promoted’” Explained KRob, which happens to be a sick burn GLS used at primary school once. 

KRob got right back in their grill: “There’s no blood on my players” he shouted, resulting in a booking for incomprehensible conduct.

Meanwhile, the lower league Jesus has got his timing all wrong, it’s Christmas but Ricky Holmes has been been talking about his resurrection at Northampton after retiring.

Thursday 10 December 2020

It was the Six Minute Fifty-Seven Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford with Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. And. It. Kicked. Off. McWilliams confirmed rumours that corporate sponsors and members of the 1893 Club will get tickets for all three upcoming games in recognition for their premium priced season ticket. Fans didn’t like it, calling it favouritism. That’s not fair, the 1896 Club show admirable dedication to the club by paying £600 to listen to Peter Rhodes-Brown interviewing returning legends like Jon Ashton and Ricky Sappleton while drinking weak tea and eating garibaldi biscuits.

Friday 11 December 2020

There’ll be no Kiss Me Quick hats, donkey rides or itchy rashes for Oxford fans this year as the team travel to the Chlamydia Capital Blackpool on Saturday. Goalkeeper Chris Maxwell is a lazy sod; “I take pride in doing nothing in the game. If I do nothing in a game, I’m happier than when I save 10 shots and still keep a clean sheet.” Now that’s one Christmas present, we’re sure we can help with.