George Lawrence’s Shorts: True Bromance

Saturday 26 September 2020

Oxford United are writing their own jokes for GLS after the 4-1 win over Accrington Stanley on Saturday. Before the win, the team’s bus was disabled when the alcohol based spray got into the bus’ breathalyser system rendering it a useless immovable lump; the worst Oxford bus since Steve Anthrobus.

The Yorkshire Post have found the common link between cosmopolitan sophisticat Čhrįstoøphé Wīldę and man hanging around primary school with plastic bags, Marcelo Bielsa of Leeds. Surprisingly, it’s not that they’ve both spent the last two years being furiously masturbated over by the nation’s journalists. 

Sunday 27 September 2020

John Coleman has a hot take on the key to his team’s defeat on Saturday. In a game which had more turns than Bill Turnbull eating Turnips for the Turner Prize at Turnbury, the man who gives the air of a world weary regional road haulage manager, has identified the own goal ricochet which led Oxford retaking the lead. 

Monday 28 September 2020

As we are all aware, Oxford United has always been a hotbed of African goalkeeping talent. Goal.com have really pulled the stops out to identify the five, yes, five best keepers from that continent. At number one was Bruce Grobelaar, whose career highlight, after years in the wilderness at Liverpool, was a week’s training with Oxford. At number two was Andre Arendse who wasn’t even the second best keeper at Oxford at The Manor in the early 2000s falling someway short of both Pal Lundin and Mike Ford.

Tuesday 29 September 2020

Asylum seeking Jedward orphan Mark Sykes hasn’t found the Republic of Ireland to be a land of milk and honey since he switched allegiance from the North. He had hoped to play in the Republic’s games against Slovakia, Wales and Finland. Like a lorry driver with a truck load of life saving medicines on the Kent border in January, he’s still waiting for the paperwork to go through.

Wednesday 30 September 2020

New bromantics, Matty Taylor and James Henry have revealed the complex tactical algorithm that proved so productive against Accrington on Saturday. Now, we’d recommend grabbing a pen and paper to get this down because it’s going to get a bit sciencey. “I said to him … ‘I need you to pass me the ball to score.” Taylor revealed giving an ‘I heart U’ sign to his bearded compatriot. Couple goals, amirite? 

Thursday 1 October 2020

It was the Five Minute Thirty Three Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford on Thursday with Cameron Brannagain. Now at the ripe age of twenty-four, the man John Mousinho calls grandad, said he felt for youngster Marcus McGuane as he finds his feet at the club. He also said he was looking forward to playing in the Swindon derby in a stadium packed to the gills with empty seats. Then mad dem Robbie Hall proved himself to be the real Archbishop of Banterbury by trolling up de Brannas bout his ping pong skillz, my bruddah. 

Friday 2 October 2020

Matty Taylor has moved to de-escalate the venomous anger of Bristol Rovers fans by talking about his reasons for moving to deadly rivals Bristol City in 2017. “I had to take away that emotion and the thoughts of fans and take it from the selfish point of view that this was going to be good for me and my family.” said Taylor. Discard the thoughts of the fans and be selfish you say? We’re pretty sure that’ll do the trick.

Elsewhere, scuttling Joe Rothwell is having an impact at Blackburn Rovers this season, but says has told the Lancashire Telegraph that he’s got to remove one last question about him; whether he’s half crab? No, he’s got to prove the manager Tony Mowbray that he’s got the defensive qualities to play in a central role (as well as prove he’s not half crab).

Worrying news from the North East, who have suffered great struggles in recent years; not only does it contain some of the most deprived areas in the country and is currently under strict lockdown, now we hear that Ian McGuckin is still in football, coaching at Bishop Auckland. Analysts say this could be the ponderous ex-Oxford defender that breaks the camel’s back.

George Lawrences Shorts – A-Fosu-lytptic Shandogeddon

Saturday 25 January 2020

Like a pair of British Knights high tops, Sports Direct’s Newcastle United were cheap and lacking in style on Saturday as Oxford came home with a lucrative replay in their locker after a 0-0 draw in the FA Cup.

Sunday 26 January 2020

Our draw with Newcastle asked a lot of questions of the Premier League team, none more so than the performance of Miguel Almiron(’s wife). The Star analysed Alexia Notto’s 17-second Instragram video of her swaying vacantly like a psychologically damaged captive chimpanzee in a Chinese zoo. The ‘trained Zumba dancer’ ‘flaunted’ her ‘moves’ in a way her husband didn’t at St James’ Park.

Monday 27 January 2020

It was fumbling velvet ball-bag Monday for the FA Cup draw, or as it has become known on Twitter; ‘Shitdraw’. We now face the prospect of a trip to West Brom.

Having had shitdraws against teams in all top five divisions this season, including the champions of England, our analysis shows the only draws now acceptable to fans would be the 1970 Brazilian World Cup squad or the blue team from the animated section of the film Bedknobs and Broomsticks.

Tuesday 28 January 2020

Following such great sitcoms as Are You Being Served? And Ever Decreasing Circles, Oxford’s FA Cup replay with Newcastle will be shown live on BBC1.

The game will be the club’s first meaningful contribution to national prime-time public service sports broadcasting since 2003 when Jefferson Louis was seen dancing naked on live daytime Sunday TV. Prudish TV censors will be watching Jamie Mackie with interest.

Wednesday 29 January 2020

Alumni news, as Scuttling Joe Rothwell was lavished with praise at Blackburn for his two assists in Blackburn’s win over Middlesborough. Rovers manager Tony Mowbray acknowledged that Rothwell has had to adjust to life in the Championship having, apparently, been such a star at Oxford that players deferentially passed to him in awe at what he could achieve. Yes, that’s how we remember it too, Tone.

Thursday 30 January 2020

It was the Radio Oxford Nine Minute Fifty Eight Second Fans ForAAAARRRGGHHHH! On Thursday as Niall don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWiliams’ plan to spend the interview equivalent of nine hours at the crease scoring 16 runs with immaculately executed forward defensive shots was blown to pieces.

Instead, he was accompanied by all-action KRob, in full Kate Adie mode, with news that Shandon The Baptise and The Stepover Kid Tariqe Fosu were having medicals with an unknown club. This breaking news somewhat marginalised the carefully crafted and no less important question about the cleanliness of the toilets.

Friday 31 January 2020

With the Coronavirus spreading faster than chlamydia during peak season in Blackpool, we face er, Blackpool tomorrow. Having dropped to eighth in the table, Oxford will be without Fosu and Baptiste whose transfer to Brentford was eventually confirmed. There was some hope that impotent burns victim Will Grigg might come in but transfer window closed with KRob left empty handed meaning Headington United’s Sam Long will have his longest spell in the team since the Southern League.

Elsewhere, pompous Titian haired beanpole Dave Kitson is interested in becoming the Secret Head Coach at Cambridge. His next book, ‘The Secret Early Reducer, Hoof It Up To The Big Man, Second Ball, SECOND BALL‘, comes out next year.