George Lawrence’s Shorts: Rob’s Red Redemption

Saturday 12 September 2020

GLS was quite the sports star at school. The bean bag toss was the blue riband of any Sports Day, and when we say sports day, we mean the Wednesday lunchtime before sports day. Tragedy struck one year having packed his running spikes and singlet, he found his shorts had been swapped with the frilly panties his mum wore for her trombone lesson with Mr Spencer down the road. ‘It helps when I’m blowing’, she said. 

And so it was with the glorious march to the League 1 title on Saturday as the season’s opener against Lincoln ended in a 2-0 defeat. The game saw Rob Atkinson make his debut, so the ref got him a red card to mark the occasion and let him go home early, which was nice of him. 

As with that year’s bean bag toss, maybe the title can wait until next year. 

Sunday 13 September 2020

We should have known better, anyone watching Armand Gnadulliet trying to bring a routine through ball under control at Oxford will know about how MApp is with nasty little traps. This is what he put Lincoln’s win over Oxford down to

Monday 14 September 2020

There are quite a few rare things – hen’s teeth, Steve Anthrobus goals, getting a coronavirus test in the same timezone as your house, but there are few things more rare than a rescinded red card. Rob Atkinson, The Little Tank, has had his overturned. It’s 2020, so go figure.

Tuesday 15 September 2020

Oxford faced a stern test in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup on Tuesday when they faced a Watford side  full of Premier League quality and Jerome Sinclair. Oxford took the lead when grown man Rob Hall mash up dem proper top bins in the first half. A last minute equaliser took the game to penalties, which was like an episode of Mrs Brown’s boys; a tragedy wrapped in a comedy. Hall bang dem goalie wid me brudder Marcus M n mi man Anthony Forde, resulting in a 0-3 defeat.

In other news, spellcheck’s Fiarce Kelleher has signed for Wrexham.

Wednesday 16 September 2020

Doh-eyed cash puppy Stewart Donald brings his Premier League giants Sunderland to the Kassam on Saturday. Oxford have an injury crisis according to the Sunderland Echo missing six key players. Along with Josh Ruffels, John Mousinho, Matty Taylor, Alex Gorrin and Sam Winnall is Jamie Hanson. Hanson’s key attribute being that he’s the one who makes the cheese toasties on away trips.

Thursday 17 September 2020

There was a forty-eight minute long forty-five minute special Five Minute Fans’ Forum on Thursday. In the hot seats was Niall, don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams and KRob. McWilliams furtively confirmed, that Chris Allen was still with the club, while his wife jammed some suspect bin bags into the boot of her car. He also confirmed that Creepy Uncle Firoz appears to have built the world’s first Covid secure football stadium. Then KRob answered a question about the salary cap spewing random numbers like Rachel Riley having a bad reaction to her Priti Patel vaccine.

Friday 18 September 2020

KRob is a big Oasis fan; he won’t look back in anger for anyone. Despite an injury to Josh Ruffels and John Mousinho and inexperience with Elliot Moore and The Little Tank Rob Atkinson, he’s still thinks he has a defensive Wonderwall and so isn’t bringing more cover in. Instead looking lovingly at Derby’s champagne supernova Josh Shonibare for a loan move.

The top man’s top man Jakey right right Wright has found himself a new club. The former Oxford captain has signed for Hereford. Jakey’s had a difficult couple of years after a loan move to Bolton from Sheffield United went all wrong wrong wrong last season. Jakey will go right right right into the Hereford starting line-up on Saturday.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Watch us wreck the mic, Sykes!

Sunday August 23 2020

Jedward orphan Mark Sykes has smeared his face in camo and crawled through barbed wire to get to a safe house declaring that he now wants to switch from Northern Ireland to the Republic for their forthcoming Nations League games. Bloody asylum seekers.

Elsewhere, spellcheck’s Fiarce Kelleher, who signed in a vacuum between MApp and PClot and played less games than Jeremy Balmy and George Rasulo, may feel he missed his moment at Oxford. Finally, he’s made the big time, headlining the Oxford Mail… because he’s been made redundant by Macclesfield Town

Monday August 24 2020

Well, this is awkward. While Sykes nervously eats cold beans in a ramshackle outhouse, glancing at the shadows dancing in the half-light, he’s been overlooked for the Republic squad while Joel Cooper has been called up for Northern Ireland.

Tuesday August 25 2020

Oxford went down 2-1 to Crystal Palace at Selhurst Park in a friendly. The visitors silenced the home seats with the opener from Matty Taylor. Jack Stevens saved a penalty back-pass early in the second half before conceding two quick goals. 

At Shrewsbury, chisel jawed Sam Ricketts has gone all Trumpian, sacking his assistant manager and promoting his brother from another angular faced mother, Dean Whitehead. Ricketts is confident that the two will work well together; or tessellate, if you will.  

If there’s one thing GLS has missed more than a bucket of woo woo at Shaggers Bar in Torremolinos, it’s speculation that KRob wants to add another midfielder to his endless collection. So, it’s heartwarming to see that Rochdale’s Ollie Rathbone has been linked with a move to the club. Premier League giants Sunderland are interested, along with Fleetwood. Manager Joey Barton is said to be ‘punch in your face and charged with common assault’ excited by the prospect. 

Wednesday August 26 August 2020

Accrington Stanley (who are they?) have targeted the 1980s Milk Marketing Board Derby against Oxford on September 26 to trial allowing fans to attend the game. The game will be limited to 700 home fans, representing Accrington’s record attendance.  

Meanwhile sharpshooters the EFL have discovered a brand new technology called The Internet, which will stream all EFL matches via its iFollow service. We’re no technology experts, but as far as we can work out this is rather like trying to paint the Sistine Chapel with an ear bud. 

Thursday 27 August 2020

He’s ginger, he’s a whinger, he used to choose when he was injured; Dave Kitson has been shouting from the tall tower he looks down on everyone from reflecting on how he propelled Chris Wilder to greatness. His failed time at Sheffield United resulted in manager Danny Wilson getting fired, then his failed time at Oxford saw Chris Wilder getting fired, which resulted in Wilder managing Sheffield United. The rest is history; you are welcome, Chris, says Dave.

Elsewhere, Tony McMahon, The 2018 Phil Edwards, has gone a bit Martin Gray and signed for Darlington.

Friday 28 August 2020

Fantasy Football League phenom, John Lundstram, is centre of a catfight between West Ham and Steven Gerrard’s quest to create McOxford by joining Kemar Roofe at Rangers. George Waring is packing a suitcase full of Tennants Super in preparation for a call.

Saturday 29 August 2020

Oxford’s first home friendly resulted in a 1-0 over QPR with a goal from Matty Taylor. The game evoked memories of the Milk Cup Final; apart from the fans, prestige or Ken Fish looking like an army physical training instructor from the 1950s. The real drama was on the sidelines where sulky sixth former Rob Dickie didn’t even make the squad, which led to anti-maskers, anti-vaxers and conspiracy theorists to conclude it was because Bill Gates has put nano bots in the 5G network to prevent promising central defenders play friendly games of football. I mean, it makes you think, doesn’t it, the MSM don’t report that do they?

Transfer window: Liveblog – July 2019

We’re in month three of the creeping death of the transfer window. If you can bear it; you can read all about May and June here. In short, Rob Hall renewed his contract, Curtis Nelson didn’t, Alex Gorrin signed plus a slew of under-23s. We’re still waiting on Chris Cadden from Motherwell.

Elsewhere, Kemar Roofe and Callum O’Dowda have been subject to speculation, although news on those fronts has reduced to a dribble. Strap in, July’s here…

Monday 1 July 2019

Seems a bit fanciful, but then this is the club who signed Ricky Holmes, Teeny Tiny Jack Payne is wanted by Gillingham after his release from Huddersfield.

Probably the least surprising news of modern times is that Tariq Fosu has signed for us taking another one off our ‘possible’ list. Talking of which, Chris Cadden’s move from Motherwell might be on the skids as Sunderland are now interested.

Tuesday 2 July 2019

Oxford City goal machine Kabongo Tshimanga, frequently linked with us – making him a modern day Norman Sylla – has signed with the decidedly less glamorous Boreham Wood in the Conference.

Wednesday 3 July 2019

We knew Teeny Tiny Jack Payne wasn’t going anywhere as inauspicious as Gillingham. He’s signed for Lincoln City instead.

Thursday 4 July 2019

Listen very carefully, I shall say this only once… Chris Cadden has now gained the interest of Columbus Crew in the USA who can’t actually play him due to overseas player restrictions. So, if they did buy him, they might loan him to us. However, they’re quibbling over the fee. The impasse could leave a gap for Sunderland to exploit, except they’re restricted due to ongoing discussions about a takeover. Got that?

Friday 5 July 2019

Tyrone Marsh and Robbie Cundy; both ‘future’s of the club’ during their time in the juniors have signed for Boreham Wood and Exeter (on loan from Bristol City) respectively.

Sunday 7 July 2019

On the day that Oxford play Rangers in a friendly, the universe continues to contract. It seems the Glaswegians want Leeds (because it’s always Leeds) striker Kemar Roofe. The price being quoted is £5million, which seems a paltry sum given that’s not that far north of what Leeds paid us.

Monday 8 July 2019

Spelling’s worst nightmare Fiacre Kelleher, has re-joined Macclesfield Town where, apparently, he spent last season on loan.

Tuesday 9 July 2019

A decent legit rumour; Oxford have tabled a £500,000 bid for Kilmarnock centre-back Stuart Findlay.

Wednesday 10 July 2019

Cosmopolitan sophistocat Çhrïstøphę Wîldë has resisted the lure of the gutter; after being linked to a number of Championship clubs following some unrest at Sheffield United.

As baffling transfers of the summer go, Tsun Dai’s move to Wolves for genuine money will take some beating.

Ched Evans is in KRob’s sights after he scored a bucketload of goals for Fleetwood last season.

And, as predictable as the sun rising in the morning, MApp didn’t get the Donny Rovers job, Darren Moore did.

Thursday 11 July 2019

KRob’s hopes of bringing Luke ‘Garbs’ Garbutt back to Oxford have been dashed now signed for Ipswich Town.

Sunday 14 July 2019

HITC, a site of questionable credibility, claims Neil Lennon has been watching Sheffield United’s Gorgeous George Baldock. He’s been keeping an eye on him for over a year, but only admits in the final paragraph that luring him north is a completely different kettle of fish.

Monday 15 July 2019

Donegal’s finest, John O’Bika has is on trial at Stevenage with the view to a long term injury.

Tuesday 16 July 2019

Itchy footed midfielder Callum O’Dowda is on the verge of a move to Fulham having got bored at Bristol City. We should be set to benefit from a decent sell-on fee, although the clubs are quibbling over the fee.

Elsewhere, Marcus Browne could be set to leave West Ham with Manuel Pellegrini preferring some ready made wing work rather than making his own.

Wednesday 17 July 2019

Oxford have given up in their pursuit of Stuart Findlay after a number of other clubs got involved jacking the price up. Perhaps KRob should keep his cards slightly closer to his chest?

Thursday 18 July 2019

Goalkeeper Max Crocombe has joined Brisbane Roar where he’ll flatter to deceive and Dan Crowley will be joining PClot at Birmingham City for an argument after he signed for £700,000.

Monday 22 July 2019

(1, 2, 3, 4) Toni Martinez has signed for Portuguese team Famalicão following his release from West Ham. In a brief panic, the Football League World website claim that Blackburn are tracking Simon Eastwood, although they are also on the verge of signing Christian Walton from Wigan.

Tuesday 23 July 2019

Gavin Whyte speculation has gone quiet in recent weeks. Cardiff City are apparently preparing a derisory £1.5m bid.

Holy moley; Chris Cadden has signed from Motherw… nope, Columbus Crew. A credible explanation for the less-than-conventional signing is that signing via the Crew, who have a tangential link to board member Eric Thohir, avoids paying compensation to Motherwell, which seems like a bit of a scam.

Thursday 25 July 2019

Marcus Browne has gone all Marvin Johnson and is heading for Middlesborough.

Friday 26 July 2019

The best defender in the land Joe Skarz has popped up at Kettering Town.

Saturday 27 July 2019

The final pre-season fixtures of the summer have seen a few players crawl out from the woodwork. Jonte ‘angle’ Smith is on trail at Cheltenham, Donegal’s finest Jon O’bika has popped up at Cambridge United, Todd Kane has signed for QPR and Scott Davies has joined Slough Town.

Monday 29 July 2019

With a sense of resignation, it’s been confirmed that Gavin Whyte has been signed by Cardiff for something like £2 million; some way short of the £5 million the club apparently were asking for. Just as that news sank in, came the news we’ve signed Ben Woodburn from Liverpool on a season’s loan.

Tuesday 30 July 2019

The season must be approaching because there’s been a signing bonanza. Anthony Forde, who last season was at Rotherham has signed along with Elliot Moore from Leicester.