George Lawrence’s Shorts – Big Dickie energy

Hoopless

It’s not been a great week for KRob; on Saturday we went down 2-1 to Bolton Wanderers – our first defeat of the season. That was followed up with a 2-0 defeat to QPR in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup with sulky sixth former Rob Dickie handing in his homework past sensible Simon Eastwood from twenty-five yards to open the scoring.

Bread-based QPR manager Mark Warburton has clearly been reading too much GLS, “[Dickie will] keep on improving. He’s taken those lessons on board. This season for Rob is a really big one – to keep on that education and keep on learning.” Alright, you brioche bonced boss, we’ll do the school-based Rob Dickie jokes around here, thanks.

Tariqe Tofu

Oxford United Gastronomes were in raptures when the club announced that it had wrestled control of the snack bars from creepy Uncle Firoz. The Taliban-like advance, means the club has strategic control over the homity pies. Officials are now setting out to refresh the offering to fans. Future dishes include the healthy Houmousinho, Spotted Dickie and Dunkley’s Donuts and, for the traditionalists, a quarter-pounder cheese Burgess.

Little Liam

We thought we’d lost him down the back of the sofa, but it turns out that playmaker-in-your-pocket, Liam Kelly, will be playing a small role for Rochdale this season. That’s quite a climb down from when he was unveiled getting out of a helicopter at Feyenoord, which for a player of Kelly’s size, was quite a climb down in itself. Meanwhile loanee Elliot Lee has joined up with his dad Rob by signing for Charlton Athletic on loan from Luton.

Muscles memory

It’s Lincoln on Saturday and Mr Big Guns, MApp, has got a lot on his plate; and we’re not just talking protein shakes and raw eggs. “The best way I can describe it is that we have 13 senior outfield players to choose from, not many at all”. It’s a familiar feeling for MApp who remembers last season’s visit when his team was “full of Covid and injuries as well.” Nice, we’ll just slather on another layer of hand sanitiser if you don’t mind.

George Lawrence’s Shorts – Never Mind the Ballots

Saturday 8 May 2021

On the eve of the last game of the season, Headington United’s Sam Long and Big Friendly Giant Elliott Moore have been reflecting on the last two years. Moore’s had a breakthrough season, skippering the side and playing every game. Long hasn’t seen a season this disrupted since the 1846 cholera pandemic preventing Headington United from playing their Oxfordshire Senior Cup Quarter Final against the Oxford University Department for Advanced Wheelwrighting Second XI. 

Sunday 9 May 2021

A blistering 4-0 win over Flimsy Boyd Jasselblank’s Burton Albion set up an unlikely opportunity for Oxford to make the play-offs on Sunday. Everything depended on Portsmouth’s game against Accrington. Over at Fratton Park, there was a proper bumpy Pompey pumping as Stanley won 1-0. The result meant Oxford snatched the last play-offs place and will play Blackpool next week.

Monday 10 May 2021

Blackpool fans are excited by the prospect of allowing up to 4,000 fans to Bloomfield Road for the play-off second leg against Oxford a week on Friday. The town hasn’t been this excited since Blackpool’s Woke-end Weekend a couple of years ago, which involved vegan ice-creams, a Black(pool) Lives Matter demonstration and the polyamarous puppet show; Punch and Judy and Another Judy.

Tuesday 11 May 2021

KRob’s still recovering from the excitement of making the play-offs, but feels his team are the underdogs as they go into the post-season. “…for some unknown reason we are in with a shout of going to the second tier of English football.” he said reassuringly.

Wednesday 12 May 2021

Oxford have confirmed that fans will be allowed to attend the first leg play-off game against Blackpoo next Tuesday. All season ticket holders will be invited to enter a ballot for the tickets available. Some fans have complained they’ve been unfairly left out, feeling they deserve to be rewarded for their dedication to posting flame emojis on the club’s instagram posts nearly every day.

Thursday 13 May 2021

Oxford players have been seen celebrating goals by pretending to play a saxophone and Elliot Lee has explained the reason why. “I put my music on and it was a saxophone playlist. A few of the lads asked whose music it was.” he said. Expect a few of the other lads to do a ‘sandpapering my eyeballs’ celebration when they score against Blackpool to show what it feels like to listen to a saxophone playlist.

Friday 14 May 2021

There are rumours that KRob is lining up a bid for Hibs right-back Tom James. James is said to be excited at the prospect of starting a few games in August before getting ousted by Sam Long and being shipped out on loan by Christmas.

With the play-offs next week, there’s a blank weekend for Oxford fans who don’t know what to do with themselves on Saturday. What about Tsun Dai? Well, the former Oxford player has scored his first professional goals with a brace for Shenzen in the Chinese Super League against Shandong Taishan.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Crewe, Shrews, here is the news, Brandon, dribble, shot

Saturday 10 April 2021

OOOOOOHHHHHHH, OUR SIX WERE ON FIRE! Six different players scored as Oxford steamed through Crewe like a freight train on Saturday. The shock and awe included five goals in 13 minutes on their way to a record-equalling 6-0 win.

Sunday 11 April 2021

Former Oxford United CEO oil-slick Mark Ashton is set to take over the swirly leather big-boy’s chair at Ipswich Town. Ashton has spent the last four years at Bristol City, where his natural charm has seen fans really take him to their hearts. Tearful City fans have responded with comments like ‘Does he need a lift there?’ and ‘The best thing to happen this season’. 

Monday 12 April 2021

Arlesey Town have appointed Dave Kitson as their chairman. A surprising move that resulted from a recruitment company executive misreading the brief and finding someone who was ‘proper arsey’.

Meanwhile, Headington United’s Sam Long has signed a three-year contract extension. Long is having his best season at Oxford with fans Brazilifying his name to Longildinho. This is due to his widespread support of deforestation, the thong bikini he wears on the beach and the close shave he has in the pubic region.

Tuesday 13 April 2021

GLS is pretty big news in the bedroom department, but even he knows that hot rampant six should come after some sensual four-play. But it was the other way around on Tuesday as Oxford edged closer to the play-offs with a 4-1 win over Shrewsbury Town. Four different players scored meaning that Jedward orphan Mark Sykes is the only outfield player not to score in the last two games. He’s been asking himself what he’s got to do to get on the scoresheet; the answer being SHOOT GODAMMIT.

Wednesday 14 April 2021

Shrewsbury Town midfielder David Davis, so good, they nearly named him twice, has been reflecting on last night’s game. “Personally I don’t think it was a four-one scoreline’ he said of the four-one scoreline. The key, he said, was the advantage we gained by, checks notes, losing Brandon Barker to injury in the first half; “Their injury took the sting out of the game then we conceded two and made it hard for ourselves.” He’s smart that KRob, getting the upper hand by injuring one of his best players. 

Thursday 15 April 2021

It’ll be a family affair on Saturday when Oxford face fatberg Steve Evans’ Gillingham on Saturday. Ellie and Olly will pack their trunks and say goodbye to the circus as the brothers will each take a side in the big play-off shoot-out. Olly is quite the tactical whizz, knowing that Gills attending the game will give them a better chance of winning; “When we turn up, that is when we are at our best.” he said.

Friday 16 April 2021

It’s crunch time with everyone vying to promotion and play-off spots. Bettingexpert.com have taking a break from drawing young people into a life of misery and crippling debt by running their ‘super computer’, which has just been upgraded to Windows Vista, to predict how League 1 will turn out. According to their sophisticated algorithm, an Excel spreadsheet with specially coloured cells in team colours, we’re set to miss out of the play-offs and finish eighth.