George Lawrence’s Shorts: Keeping up with the Caddashians

Saturday 28 September 2019

It was so easy against Steve Evans’ Gillingham on Saturday, it was like stealing candy from a baby. Mmm, candy. Oxford scored two lucky goals from James Henry and Matty Taylor before Henry stuck another one in the onion-bag, just for luck. Mmm, onions. Bloaty McBloatface was magnanimous enough to recognise that his team were absolutely battered. Mmm, batter.

Monday 30 September 2019

Clearly playing on his mind while eating his fridge on Saturday night; the Lord of Lard has apologised to Gillingham fans for his team’s first-half mashing on Saturday. Mmm, mash. It was a rare moment of contrition, so rare he claimed that they were unlucky not to win the second half. Yes Steve, and you’re a likeable chap who everybody thinks is the dog’s bollocks. Mmm, dog’s bollocks.

Tuesday 1 October 2019

As we all know Oxford United fans are special, and they don’t come much more special than brainiac Matthew Simms, who this week was sentenced to 90 hours community work, fined over £600 and banned from going to football for five years for running on the pitch after last year’s ChickenTrade Trophy game at Cheltenham. This is a bit like the time GLS was caning it on four LSD tabs and two bottles of Jack Daniels at Auntie Joan’s eightieth birthday luncheon.

Wednesday 2 October 2019

Massive news for the club as it announced WE ARE GOING TO OWN* OUR OWN GROUND** SOON***

Meanwhile Chris Cadden is becoming the break out reality star of Oxford United’s season. After last week’s revelations about living in Bicester Village and his inability to do his own washing, we now know how much he’s earning. It’s been revealed that Cadden is taking home a cool $56k a year as an employee of Columbus Crew. This makes him the lowest paid player in their squad; as Puff Daddy once said; it’s all about the Benjamins, just not as many as you’d think.

* manage
** training ground
*** probably

Thursday 3 October 2019

Zaki the Unstoppable Sense Machine was on the Six Minute Thirty Six Second Fans Forum on Thursday. There was plenty of hot ‘situation’ chat about the training ground situation, the car park situation – whether having the biggest in the country was big enough and – the pub situation. There was also a question about reality star Chris Cadden, and whether he will be commissioned for a second season. Zaki was tight lipped because we’re all still pretending that Cadden’s loan is a legit deal, and not a way of avoiding paying compensation to Motherwell. 

Friday 4 October 2019

Former Oxford striker and professional pillock Dean Saunders has had his jail sentence for drink driving over-turned and replaced with a different sentence for drink driving. His QC claimed Saunders felt humiliated by the sentence, no surprise to anyone who has heard the humiliation of any sentences coming from Deano. “He rapidly went from icon to laughing stock” or iconic drunk driver to laughing stock drunk driver, which, for GLS, is the only kind of drunk driver.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Parker, Pens

Saturday 24 August 2019

Like your gran after she’s eaten her bodyweight in Turkish Delight, there was some pretty obnoxious Gas around on Saturday. The club put on extra security for Matty Taylor’s return to his former club, Bristol Rovers. Fantasies around Taylor’s return turned out to be just that as he limped off after half-an-hour and we went down 3-1

Monday 26 August 2019

Like a railway announcer during autumn leaf fall; KRob has pinpointed why we’ve gone 3 games without a win – the wrong kind of goals. Our problem is that we’re scoring great goals, not scruffy ones, ‘if you take away the goals, we dominated’ he said possibly ignoring a key aspect of professional football.

Tuesday 27 August 2019

Oxford entertained East London millennial snowflakes Mi’Woh in the Type 2 Diabetes Cup on Tuesday. After going 2-0 down, two super-late goals from Jedward orphan Mark Sykes and James Henry forced the game to penalties which were won by Jose’s son John Mousinho who broke the net to settle the tie. They didn’t like that, but they don’t care, though they really do, because they’re actually very sensitive.  

Wednesday 28 August 2019

Dean Saunders is a former Oxford United goal machine turned TalkSport shock jock – the shock being how little he knows about football. On Wednesday Deano followed a well trodden path for Oxford goalscoring legends like Steve Anthrobus and John Durnin by being sent to prison, this time after refusing to take a breath test when stopped by the police. Saunders is appealing the decision on the grounds of diminished intelligence. 

In less incarcerated news, The Type 2 Diabetes Cup draw had an extra shot of insulin in it when we drew bubble-based buffoons We’stam at home in the next round

Thursday 29 August 2019

Former Leicester City player and Kidlington local Garry Parker, has been appointed Head of Setting Up The Reserves To Play Like The Opposition. The new role will be a blessed relief to Parker, who – if his club photo is anything to go by – got lost on a holiday trek through the jungle wearing just shorts and a pair of flip flops this summer only to be found looking tired and bewildered by local tribesmen.

This year’s Tsun Dai Remind Me Why We Signed Him has been announced as Kash Siddiqi. Siddiqi is a 33-year-old Pakistani international who will instantly be sent out on loan and forgotten. A sub-continental Tony McMahon. 

Friday 30 August 29

Tomorrow sees the visit of Coventry City in which Oxford are hoping to break a losing league streak longer than Jimmy Hill’s chin. Meanwhile in last night’s Six Minute 29 Second Fans Forum on Radio Oxford it was Tiger who came to tea. On the stadiumsituation nothing has changed since the club were asked about the stadiumsituation last week, but Mr Chairman did imply another signing might be on his way.