George Lawrence’s Shorts: Cambridge analytica

Sunday 1 August 2021

Helicopter pilot Gavin Whyte has wanged his way back to the club on loan from Cardiff City. We don’t want to be too cocky, but as we don’t use the schlong ball game, we think he’ll propel us to promotion, it’ll be tough, but where there’s a willy, there’s a way.

Monday 2 August 2021

With KRob salivating over the re-signing of Gavin Whyte, the rest of the coaching staff were able to sneak a defender into the building with Jordan Thorniley signing on loan from Blackpool. Meanwhile, bang dem up dat wid de big bear belly; Robbie Hall has found himself on trial in the lair of fatberg Steve Evans at Gillingham. #prayforrob #freerob #bigboned.

Tuesday 3 August 2021

With a few days left until the start of the season, Oxford got ready for the new campaign by inviting some NHS workers to the training ground. These are the heroes who have been looking after some of the country’s sickest people, or Sam Winnall as we know him.

Wednesday 4 August 2021

Barnet manager, Harry Kewell has been reflecting on his team’s 1-1 friendly draw with Oxford while we reflect on the fact we played a 1-1 friendly draw with Barnet nobody knew about.   

Thursday 5 August 2021

Play-offs, here we come. In Plymouth Live’s League One league table of new kits we’ve come a very creditable 5th. In rave reviews, the Gok Wan’s doing the review called the shirt ‘not gobbing’ which is good enough for us.

Friday 6 August 2021

The club launched two new shirts via Tiktok; YouTube for the ADHD generation. A zig zagging fever-dream blue and white third shirt is complemented by a black change kit with yellow trim; a reminder of the golden years of Doudou and Rob Wooleansten.   

Saturday 7 August 2021

There was no undeserved privilege at the Abbey Stadium on the opening day of the season as Oxford and Cambridge played out a 1-1 draw. The game was sponsored by Astrazeneca, the pharmaceutical giant who worked with Oxford University to inject DNA-changing 5G transmitters into people’s arms. 

Sunday 8 August 2021

It may be over a year since fans have been at games; a time when people have lost loved ones and suffered economic hardship, but Cambridge manager Mark Bonner, reflecting on yesterday’s game, has no time for snowflake bedwetting. “I felt it was right to say welcome back to everyone, and to thank them for their support, but you’re also asking them at that point ‘come on then, you’re back now, so play a part with us this year’.” 

Monday 9 August 2021

There was a time that Chris Wilder could have been the next Denis Smith by declaring himself a candidate for the England manager’s job. Now he’s ready to climb his next mountain and get back into football. Wilder has never been out of the game for this long before, which has allowed a period of reflection. If we were Chris Wilder reflecting on who Chris Wilder is, we’d probably go looking for a big distraction too.  

Tuesday 10 August 2021

Jose’s son, John Mousinho hasn’t always led the life of a high flying office administrator. No, there was a time when he could only dream of owning his own clipboard and clicky pen. He used to play football for Burton Albion, who we play in the 1st round of the Type 2 Diabetes Cup tomorrow. “I don’t think you can replicate the buzz of playing, winning or scoring – it’s a cliché, but it’s true.” he said.

Wednesday 11 August 2021

Alright mate, calm down. Jose’s son decided to replicate the buzz of scoring for Burton by scoring for Burton in the last minute to cancel out Nathan Holland’s opener on Wednesday night. His deflected own-goal sent the tie to penalties. At that point it was time for the grown-ups to step in; Sensible Simon Eastwood saved two penalties before the box-to-boxfile footballer Mousinho did the admin by larruping home the winning spot kick.

Thursday 12 August 2021

Burton manager Flimsy Droid Bustlebank, has been ruing the missed opportunities that led to his side being knocked out of the Type 2 Diabetes Cup last night. “We had two balls cleared off the line, we looked dangerous going forward and it was just that final bit we are looking for and need to get better at.“ He said. A lack of striking options is at the heart of the problem but he hopes to have Kane Hemmings available soon, he’s also hoping to have some striking options too.

Friday 13 August 2021

Oxford welcome back both Charlton and fans on Saturday. Charlton manager Nigel Adkins has injury problems with three players doubtful for the game. “We’re a small group of players. You can see where we are, this is our squad.” He will, however, have former Oxford player, Sean Clare available who is currently doing a charity fundraiser to see if he can play for every League 1 club in the country.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – Going, going, gone?

Saturday 15 May 2021

Cameron Brannagain has been asked, again about a possible move to Preston North End in the summer. With three days until he plays in the play-off against Blackpool, Brannagain seemed reluctant to annoy literally everyone by speculating on his future. We’re shocked.

Monday 17 May 2021

We’re getting to that point in the season where football clubs release their ‘retained list’. As in, we retain the right not to pay you and we retain a preference to change the code on the front door to the training ground. Dan Crowley has been not retained by Birmingham while Donegal’s finest Jon O’Bika is unretained by St Mirren.

Tuesday 18 May 2021

Tuesday was all about the fans, and reminding them what they’ve missed. As a result, the fans are now missing being pinned to their settees for months after fans returned to the Kassam on Tuesday to see Oxford be swept away 3-0 to Blackpool in the first leg of the play-off semi-final.

Wednesday 19 May 2021

The end of season’s best hackers table has been released and it turns out that Oxford are the third dirtiest team in the division. So proud. The club have kicked their way to seventy yellow and three red cards this season, which has only been bettered by Northampton Town and Charlton Athletic. Bookie monster, Alex Gorrin was seventh.

Thursday 20 May 2021

Courtney ‘shit shit shit’ Pitt has been talking about his “football career”. Now coaching players to loiter disinterestedly on the wing at Burton Albion, Pitt claims he was once pursued by both Barcelona and Monaco. Having seen him at the Kassam on loan in 2002, we assume he’d dropped something on a stadium tour and they wanted to give it back to him.

Friday 21 May 2021

They said it wasn’t possible, but he did it. KRob hatched a fiendish plan to score three goals against Blackpool in Friday’s second leg. Unfortunately he left it on the photocopier at Bloomfield Road, so Blackpool used it as well. The 3-3 draw saw Blackpool ease through to the play-off final 6-3.

Saturday 22 May 2021

They could be hearing the pitter patter of tiny feet in Yorkshire soon; scuttling Joe Rothwell is wanted by Sheffield United. Meanwhile there’s a full-on Oxford-off going on at West Brom; speculation is that both Chris Wilder and MApp, and maybe even KRob, are on the short list to fill the vacant manager’s slot. Gary Waddock is said to be disappointed, but available to talk.

Sunday 23 May 2021

KRob has given a proper ‘Who? Little old me?’ to the speculation linking him to the vacant job at West Brom. “It’s probably because me and Sam [Allardyce] worked together for two years.” he said possibly referring to Big Sam’s grandson who briefly signed for the club a few years ago “I don’t really have the energy to talk about any other job.” he said, talking about another job. Could we be in Denis Smith’s ‘They were talking about me being the England manager’ territory?

Monday 24 May 2021

Forgotten Jedward triplet Joel Cooper will be packing his knapsack and heading back over the Irish Sea to seek his fortune back at Oxford this summer. On loan at Linfield while sorting out some family issues, Cooper scored in the Irish Cup Final as Linfield lifted the trophy, which has whetted his appetite for more silverware. He’s now eyeing an EFL Trophy, Oxfordshire Senior Cup double next year. And they said it couldn’t be done.

Tuesday 25 May 2021

Oxford have released their retained list; which includes players they can’t release because they’re under contract, alongside players they plan to not retain. Up and coming centre-back, Jose’s son John Mousinho, has been offered a new contract, alongside Anthony Forde.

Meanwhile Jedward orphan Mark Sykes’ season is far from over, he’s nearly made the Republic of Ireland squad for their upcoming friendlies. He’s fully prepared for the match with a four pack of Fanta in the fridge, some Doritos and a Tex Mex dip combo ready to go.

Wednesday 26 May 2021

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie may be stepping up a level with Steve Bruce keen to snap him up for Newcastle United from QPR after a successful first season in West London. It’ll be a meteoric rise for Dickie although his mum was hoping he’d take an aeronautical engineering apprenticeship at BAE Systems after he’s finished his degree. 

Thursday 27 May 2021

Sunderland fans are eyeing up former Oxford loanee Todd Kane, who has been told he can leave QPR. Can he play? They ask. Will he fit in? They wonder. Will he crumble as we boo him for 90 minutes because we think we’re entitled to win the division? They queried.

Friday 28 May 2021

KRob has paid tribute to Instagram influencer, Nico Jones, as he leaves the club. ”It’s not the end of the road for him in his career. I think he feels going out playing men’s football and being released is better for him and we felt it was as well.” There’s nothing like a bit of redundancy to make you a man. No doubt, he’ll soon be gracing the greatest theatres of football that the Conference South has to offer.

Saturday 29 May 2021

Recently gelded Premier League sophisticat Chris Wilder is now favourite to take over at West Brom. The club have undergone extensive interviews to find the right man, and, having failed to do that, are lining up Wilder ahead of Frank Lampard, whose managerial credentials include looking handsome in a winter coat.

Sunday 30 May 2021

It’s like a closing down sale at Mountain Warehouse around here; now Jedward orphan, and not quite Irish international, Mark Sykes is being lined up with a move to Ipswich Town. At this rate we’ll open the season with Amy Cranston in the back-four and Martin Brodetsky as a holding midfielder.

Monday 31 May 2021

“Una paloma blancaaaaa” KRob is thinking of his summer holibobs with the lads. Pre-season is up in the air because of the pandemic, but he’s hoping to line up a ‘foreign giant’ to play during the summer, which we can only assume is Gérard Depardieu. “We want to be creative with the pre-season, we want to be better than ever before.” he said, better even than our previous best start of two wins in eight.

Tuesday 1 June 2021

The Sunderland Echo have been trying to come up with ways to show that Permier League Sunderland probably won the division after all. They’ve compared how the League 1 table finished to how it was predicted to finish, Oxford were predicted to finish 5th, but finished 6th

Wednesday 2 June 2021

With the Euros just around the corner, TV companies are lining up their expert pundits to give seeing insights into the play of some of the world’s greatest players. South African broadcaster Supersports have announced that former Oxford goalkeeper Andre Arendse will provide key insights into dropping crosses and slicing goal kicks into the stands. Arendse is such a household name around the world, the Illnois News call him Andrew Allense.

Thursday 3 June 2021

Rob Atkinson has been named in the PFA League 1 Team of the Year. The team is a veritable who’s that? of players you’ve only vaguely heard about. Atkinson is understandably chuffed; “It’s nice to win awards, quite humbling, and I am very proud to accept it but the goal for all of us was promotion and we will come back looking to go one better and hopefully achieve that next time around.” said the club’s communications team playing with their new Quote-o-matic app.

Friday 4 June 2021

More Rob Atkinson news as there might be a stumbling block in Bristol City’s bid to sign the defender. KRob has slapped an, entirely realistic and not in any way to be scoffed at, £2m price tag on his head. Atkinson has two-years left on his contract, so expect the club to play hardball in these negotiations. We say £2m, they say £200,000, we say £1.5m, they say £400,000, we say; OK, if we can have additional bonuses for when Atkinson captains the Republic of Congo to the World Cup.

Saturday 5 June 2021

Ambitious Josh Ruffels is heading all the way to the top… of the bottom of the Championship. KRob seems resigned to losing Ruffels and now glamorous second-tier survivors Huddersfield Town are said to be tracking the left-back.

Elsewhere, MApp is now odds-on to become the new West Brom manager, thwarting Chris Wilder. Wilder’s Premier League experience plays to his advantage, but West Brom are really looking for best footballing manager in the league.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Mad Dog and Englishmen

Saturday 6 March 2021

Saturday’s 0-0 draw with Charlton Athletic, and a spectacular large minute penalty save from Jack Stevens, was overshadowed by the news in the morning that Mad Dog Micky Lewis had passed away after a short illness. Now, when it rains on the Kassam, it’s just a sign that Micky’s got his cones out for some fast feet warm ups with the gods. 

Sunday 7 March 2021

Charlton manager Lee Bowyer had to phone striker Ronnie Schwarz after his penalty miss on Saturday. Schwarz is in a tricky situation with his pregnant partner stuck back home in Denmark. In that situation, we can think of nothing we’d want more than having Lee Bowyer phoning you on your day off disturbing another interview with Olly Murs on Sunday Brunch. “I would have rather he scored – but he didn’t.” said the Charlton boss, which is pretty deep for Bowyer. 

Monday 8 March 2021

It’s derby day tomorrow and sWInDon TwOn have held a press conference. At least we think so, it was conducted all in grunts and whistles. We can’t work out whether manager John Sheridan is in a hostage situation or been replaced by a smart speaker. “Once the players go over the white line, it’s about who wants it more.” he said while playing Candy Crush on his phone “There’s no point predicting who we will beat either. We just have to take it one game at a time.” Thanks Alexa, what will the weather be like tomorrow?

Tuesday 9 March 2021

Earth is healing; having saved the world with a vaccine, Oxford condemned the devil with a 2-1 win at The County Ground on Tuesday. The Super Yellows scored twice from Brandon Barker and Dan Agyei either side of another penalty save from Jack Stevens. In the last minute oNIonS dROWn got a consolation from Taylor Curran, who plays because his dad pays the wages at the County Ground. We’re pretty sure we saw this on an episode of Jim’ll Fix It in the 80s.

It’s a proper Oxford-a-thon at Wigan Athletic, as former owners Ian Lenagan and Daryl Eales have assembled to try and secure the future of the stricken club. Phil Trainer and George Waring have been alerted.

Wednesday 10 March 2021

WInDowS NoWt have now banned their local paper from asking questions at press conferences after a heated post-match interview with assistant manager Tommy Wright. They’re not allowed to ask why one of their players is playing because his dad pays the wages, why that player and another substitute were fighting at half-time in a recent game, why their manager is attacking the press for asking questions, why their assistant manager is still in a job despite being convicted of football related bribery or why the owner accidentally sold the club to Gareth Barry (or didn’t).

Elsewhere, Andy Crozzer Crosby has been added to the coaching staff at Port Vale. Dave Savage has been alerted.

Thursday 11 March 2021

Mr Big Guns might be losing his big guns. We’re not talking about MApp finally retiring his 40kgs and covering the tats with more tats. He’s got a number of players in line for international call-ups, just in time for Lincoln’s set-to with Oxford at Kassam on the 26th. Brennan Johnson, Regan Poole, Anthony Scully and Sean Rogan may all get call-ups giving Lincoln the opportunity to postpone the game.

Friday 12 March 2021

Premier League sophisticat Čhrįßtœphë Wìłdê may have smoked his last Galois cigarette, listened to his last Édith Piaf vinyl record and delivered his last umlaut. Having spent £50m, steered Sheffield United to the bottom of the table and fallen out with The Blades’ owner he looks set to call it a day at Bramall Lane. Formal announcements have been delayed to allow Wìłdê to negotiate a settlement package which will keep him in kestrals for the rest of his life.  

George Lawrences Shorts: Cadden falling star and put it in your pocket

Saturday 28 December 2019

Look, between Christmas and New Year we have no idea what day it is, when the bins go out and we’ve reached the point where choosing the healthy meal option means picking a Bounty out of our box of Celebrations. So, we can’t be absolutely sure if it’s true that Bolton and Motherwell are interested in the services former Oxford work experience student Jonte Smith, but anything is possible. 

Sunday 29 December 2019

The crazy gang met the culture club on Sunday with Oxford running out 2-1 winners over Wimbledon. Orphaned Oxford Jedward Mark Sykes donned his neon winklepickers and scored the second half winner. 

To you and I, he’s the chatty scouser with the viscosity of custard, but it turns out that KRob may actually be football’s master puppeteer. It turns out that he was the evil genius behind Rangers’ recent derby win over Celtic.

Monday 30 December 2019

He was near ever-present for Oxford during the 1960s clocking over 500 games over 15 years. The man Sam Long described as a bit of a newcomer, John Shuker, sadly died on Monday

Tuesday 31 December 2019

In the last decade there have been about 40,000 hours of professional football played in England. Drunk betting website The Sack Race have rated cosmopolitan sophisticat Christophe Wilde as the best manager of the decade. OF. THE. DECADE. The man who signed Tom Newey and David Hunt beat Pep Guardiola, Alex Ferguson and Jose Mourinho. 

OF. THE. WHOLE. DAMN. DECADE.

Wednesday 1 January 2020

A New Year! Now we’re in the future, it’s all teleporting, silver suits and power pills. Apart from Jamie Mackie who has thrown a canvas bag over his shoulder and headed to the hills to live off the fruits of the forest until ‘you all come to your senses’. And with good reason as the crumbling of society began with a 1-0 defeat to Doncaster.

Elsewhere, we’re always very proud when our former players really go on to achieve great things, Gavin Whyte helicopter impression made it into the top 20 most read sports stories on Belfast Live last year.

Thursday 2 January 2020

Cowboy Chris Cadden has loaded up his horse and headed out west to join the homesteaders Columbus Crew. The announcement triggered a trolling war with something called The Crew View, sort of GLS with a gun fetish. It’s a big challenge for Cadden to move over 3,500 miles given that he previously listed his major achievement when moving to Oxford as ironing his own trousers.

It was also announce that Oussama Zamouri has left the club; Zamouri made one appearance depriving Oxford fans of the opportunity to sing: “When you forget who you’ve got, and you’ve not had a shot, that’s Zamouri”. 

Friday 3 January 2020

KRob has gone all jealous ex-boyfriend to slide into Cowboy Chris Cadden’s DMs pleading with him to come back to Oxford. Expect him to appear stripped to the waist, with a bag of cans at Cowboy Chris’ ranch drunkenly singing Ed Sheeran ballads at 4 in the morning in an attempt to get him back. 

Meanwhile, there will be a new song on the terraces for the visit of Hartlepool in the Cup. All together now: ‘We’re by far the 15th greatest team, the EFL has ever seen (this decade)‘.

George Lawrences Shorts: Shotts-on target

Saturday 14 December 2019

In a vacuum, nobody can hear you scream. A 0-1 defeat to legal commercial sports entertainment entity MK Dons brought Oxford United’s 18 game unbeaten run to an end. Oxford fans made up over 2,500 of the crowd with the home support made up of over 8,000 soulless ghouls whose disinterest in the game seemed to suggest they’d taken a wrong turn looking for the soft furnishings section of the Ikea next door.

Sunday 15 December 2019

We live in Christophe Wilde’s world now; a world of real men, straight talking, real talking and straight men. Now Brexit’s getting done, bar decades of debilitating trade negotiations, Christophe’s Premier League sophistication slipped as he talked about gritty northern real stuff and Jim Smith to the Yorkshire post.  

Monday 16 December 2019

Now Charlie Methven has hung up his brown suede moccasins, Sunderland are looking to the future. The struggling League 1 minnows are interested in Feyenoord midfielder Liam Kelly to support their push to mid-table. But, if Kelly prefers to get a four to six week mid-season break with a spurious soft muscle injury KRob is also interested.

Meanwhile, do you remember the time Hull City goalkeeper Alan Fetis scored against us in 1994? Us neither, but you can read about it here.

Tuesday 17 December 2019

It was the Fans’ Forum on Tuesday. Tiger turned up in a pair of slippers and braces, like your dad wearing all his Christmas presents at the same time while watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. Zaki the Unstoppable Sense Machine threatened to record a club song with a local musician. We look forward to Jamie Mackie spitting sick bars over Radiohead’s ethereal electronica underlaid by moody static and spartan syncopated beats; a real terrace anthem.

Malcolm Shotton spoke to The Daily Mail about his days as Oxford captain. Ah, the 80s – a team of attacking flare and joie de vivre, or as Shotts remembers it, an opportunity to assault some of the era’s finest football talent. 

Back in the real world, every morning KRob conducts daily press briefings and interviews. With Manchester City visiting on Wednesday; this time there were people there to listen to him. Everyman KRob, spoke to vegan sandal wearing cosmopolitan elitists The Guardian and the racist, small minded Brexit elitists The Telegraph.

Wednesday 18 December 2019

Football club as produced by Artificial Intelligence algorithm, Manchester City, strolled into town for the Type 2 Diabetes Cup quarter final, securing a 3-1 win. Matty Taylor delivered a flesh wound to the marauding monster seconds into the second half.

Preceding the game, the Oxford Ultras put in an impressive display as a tribute to Jim Smith. The original plan was for an image of the legend’s face, but catastrophe struck when three ultras collapsed in exhaustion during the set up after getting lost in the middle of the great man’s bald head.  

Thursday 19 December 2019

We woke up with a sick feeling in our stomach on Thursday morning. Not because of last night’s result, but because of the mental image of KRob soaking in a warm bath with an Andy McNab novel, his man breasts gently bobbing in the lapping warm water, soapy bubbles coalescing around his nipples. KRob’s pre-match bathing routine was one of many things we learnt after a Telegraph reporter was embedded in the Oxford camp in the run up to our game against Manchester City.

Friday 20 December 2020

Tomorrow we are visited by plucky non-leaguers Wycombe Wanderers, led by divorced dad at the school disco Gareth Ainsworth. The Chairboys, whose nickname comes from the fact they often sit at the bottom of the table, feature Ade Akenfenwa, who has the reputation of having the world’s fattest ego. Oxford will still be without wunderkind Ben Woodburn, who has contrived to break his foot while recovering from breaking his other foot.  

George Lawrences Shorts: Exiter Pity

Saturday 30 November 2019

A master of his craft, even at 35 James Constable still knows where the goal is. He was stood right behind it for our 1-0 annihilation of Walsall in the FA Cup on Saturday. Beano was welcomed into the away end with open arms, but wouldn’t be drawn on his rebuffing of an Italian former Swindon Town manager with right wing peccadillos.

Sunday 1 December 2019

Walsall manager Darryl Clarke is a barrel of laughs isn’t he? He had nothing but uplifting and positive comments for his charges following their exit from the FA Cup “My players aren’t at their level, anywhere near it to be honest at the minute.” said ray of sunshine Clarke.

Alongside the bearded lady and the pushmepullyou, Sheffield United are turning into one of history’s great freakshows. The Telegraph – who always look at outsiders with suspicion – did their 426th profile of Christophe Wilde on Sunday and how he dragged himself up by the bootstraps. The story has acquired magical legend now featuring a magical sprite, pocket racist, Sam Deering; ‘his best player’ when he joined Oxford in 2008.

Monday 2 December 2019

If it’s Monday, then it must be another reference to rummaging in a velvet ball bag. Oxford have been drawn to play either Our Friends in the North – Hartlepool or our friends in the South – Exeter City

Tuesday 3 December 2019

To the Championship, all the way. Stat virgins FiveThirtyEight have crunched the numbers on our current form and predicted that we’ll finish second in League 1 this season.

Wednesday 4 December 2019

Oopsy. Oxford missed out on a trip to Wembley for a game against Bournemouth’s Walking Football Team in the MySpace.com Trophy on Wednesday. The 0-0 draw meant there were only marginally less goals than supporters. We trolled the competition by missing three penalties in a row in the shoot out. That’ll show them.

Before the game KRob said he’d secured the services of a stand-in ‘keeper after Simon Eastwood picked up a boo boo on his knee against Walsall. As an early for Christmas parlour games, KRob mimed some clues as to his identity; four syllables, promoted from League 1, full international. This rules out Alan Judge, which is a shame as he was ironing his goalie gloves in preparation for a recall at the time.

Thursday 5 December 2019

It was the Seven Minute Six Second Fans Forum on the radio on Thursday with charisma hoover Niall don’t call me Niall, it’s Niall McWilliams. Mrs Don’t Call Me Niall McWilliams will be pleased to hear that he mostly plans to do his Christmas shopping in the club shop, so she’ll be stealing herself to smile thankfully when she unwraps her novelty Jamie Hanson thong and bra set on the big day.

Friday 6 December 2019

It’s everyone back to the Kassam on Saturday to watch eager families heading into Vue to watch Frozen 2. The visitors are Shrewsbury who are led by angle faced ex-Oxford full-back Sam Ricketts.

Oxford’s glovesman will be Jordan Archer who has been signed to cover Simon Eastwood. Archer was released by Millwall in the summer and appears to have been scratching a living as a Kane Hemming’s impersonator. The job involves turning up to things which have long been decided and taking credit for its success by making a last-minute meaningless contribution.