George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts – EB News

Sunday 4 July 2021

After KRob picked up a briefcase of used notes from a park bench as payment for Rob Atkinson on Saturday, it looks like he might go shopping. First in his sights appears to be Cheltenham defender Will Boyle. A new signing is always exciting, but word of warning; GLS once had a willy boil, and it was quite uncomfortable.

Monday 5 July 2021

Box to boxfile player; Jose’s son, John Mousinho has signed a new two-year contract with the club. Mous, who missed most of last season with injury, has just turned 37. He’s raring to go and, despite KRob’s assurances that it won’t be necessary, is excited to use his bus pass on the team coach next season.

Tuesday 6 July 2021

Details of Rob Atkinson’s transfer to Bristol City have started to emerge; Oxford Mail report that the deal is worth upwards of £1.6m with a number of add ons including additional cash for appearances, unlimited texts and a six month subscription to Disney+.

Wednesday 7 July 2021

Chris Maguire is linking back up with MApp after signing for Lincoln City. The link up creates a deadly mutation which could wipe out everybody that stands in their way. If that’s hard to imagine, it’s like putting 60,000 people into a football stadium three times in a week when there’s a deadly virus in circulation.

Thursday 8 July 2021

You might rightly wonder what the point of GLS is; well you know what’s coming home? ‘It’s’ coming home. How does ‘It’s’ get home? By taxi. And who drives a taxi? Taxi drivers. And what website do taxi drivers read? Taxi Point, probably. They’ve just published their definitive list of footballers who became taxi drivers, a list which includes former Oxford players Trevor Aylott and Jimmy Glass. And that is why GLS exists.

Friday 9 July 2021

Sheffield Wednesday are lining up a move for QPR winger Mide Shodipo, who was on loan at Oxford last season. The Owls; named because they swallow their prey whole before regurgitating it whole in the form of a pellet, have been under a transfer embargo and are keen to get on with rebuilding after relegation. 

Saturday 10 July 2021

John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe played together for the first time since they won promotion against Wycombe in 2016, losing their pre-season friendly with Tranmere Rovers. Normally pre-season is synonymous with fresh players bronzed by three weeks in Dubai. However, due to travel restrictions, the players were looking a little more wan, Lundstram having had 2 weeks in a static caravan in Prestatyn while Roofe went to a B&B in Norfolk with intermittent wifi.

Sunday 11 July 2021

There’s nothing KRob loves more than failing to sign a Scottish Premier League full-back. This year he’s set his sights on not landing Jamie Robson from Dundee United. Robson will be replacing Josh Ruffels who joined Huddersfield Town recently. Ruffels made his debut against Harrogate Town and has stated his lofty ambitions for the season: “Trying to get in the team is the main aim for me this season.” he said.

Monday 12 July 2021

Ryan Williams has revealed one of the reasons for joining Oxford is the opportunity to travel as far away from the place as it’s possible to go. He’s keen to work his way back into the reckoning with the Australian national team.

Meanwhile, Dundee United Head Coach Tam Courts isn’t aware of any movement for Jamie Robson, but he can see why there’s interest calling Robson “easy on the eye and tenacious.” which also happens to be how GLS likes their lovers.

Tuesday 13 July 2021

Headington United’s Sam Long is excited for the new season and determined to go one step further. It’s important that he constantly looks forward and doesn’t even think about last year. “I’m aware what was last year.” he said not thinking about last year “But it’s a fresh start, we need to all forget about last year. I can’t sit back on last year’s performances. Because I played well last year, doesn’t mean I can relax this year.”

Wednesday 14 July 2021

Bristol Live have run an exhaustive profile of their new signing Rob Atkinson revealing that he is a fluent French speaker who could fully converse with Derek Osei Yaw. That is, when Osei Yaw popped into the club to check if he had any post. Apparently at Eastleigh, Atkinson was labelled the ‘Vanarama Van Dijk’, which is a bit like when we used to call Phil Trainer the ‘Conference Claudio Cannigia’, but that wasn’t a good thing.

Thursday 15 July 2021

The club announced a new shirt sponsor, EB Charging, for the upcoming season after it was announced that the Thai Tourist Authority were standing down. With covid cases souring and the government now bored of trying to control it, the former sponsors have figured out that fans are more likely to visit the Amazing NHS than Amazing Thailand this year. 

Friday 16 July 2021

Oxford United won the annual shin kicking festival against Oxford City on Friday 3-2, with a late winner from The Bookie Monster Alex Gorrin. Karl Robinson wasn’t impressed, reassuringly describing the Yellows as being ‘miles away from a good team’. The team were resplendent in their new shirts, which have received a muted response from fans who believe they’re ‘a bit plain’. Apparently fans wanted to see a Da Vinci fresco of The Battle of Anghiari on the back or something.

Oh, and in ‘you are joking me’ news; after John Lundstram and Kemar Roofe, there are strong rumours the left back with the come to bed eyebrows George Baldock is heading for the Auld Firm as well. This time Celtic are after his services.

Saturday 17 July 2021

Oxford played their second friendly in two days with a behind-closed-doors game against plucky billionaires Salford City. The game was split into three sections lasting 60, 30 and 45 minutes, playing three different teams in the process. To add to the confusion, the teams operated an innovative scoring system with Oxford winning by a four golden goats, to Salford’s half a kumquat.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Extension Robellion

Saturday 5 September 2020

Uh oh, who’s that with the lute and the harlequin tights frolicking through the bluebells? Why, it’s GLS The Bard. Bard, what song have you for us this very day?

Hey nonny, nonny…

#There was a young man called Cameron Brannagan
In the League Cup he played the Wimbledon
He got one goal, then slotted in again
Good old Cameron Brannagan begin again.#

And while GLS The Bard dislodges his lute from The Place Lutes Shouldn’t Fit, we can also report that KRob excitedly announced that he’s about to put pen to paper on a new contract.

Sunday 6 September 2020

The Bellshill Bounder, Chris Maguire, has been singing the praises of Kemar Roofe predicting that his old chum will net 20 goals for Rangers this season. “He often played on either wing” said Maguire “Occasionally, he’d be put through the middle, he was excellent at getting in behind and running channels. He made that role his own”. What role is that Chris? The Headless Chicken?

There was plenty of hand sanitizer available as sweaty men gathered to fumble their ball bags for the second round draw of the Type 2 Diabetes Cup. Oxford drew the team they call The Waitrose Luton; Watford.  

Monday 7 September 2020

You’ve got to have a bit of luck in football; and there’s none luckier than Dean Saunders. Last year Deano avoided jailtime having been caught speeding, swerving over the road and refusing to take a breathalyser test while stinking of alcohol because it would have prevented him from carrying out his live saving work as a football pundit. Now, it seems he’s been smearing white rabbits all over his perm, because despite his bin-fire of a managerial career, he’s been listed as a possible manager of New York Red Bulls. The attraction of the energy drink to dampen the effects of his hangovers is likely to be a key draw. 

Tuesday 8 September 2020

As we’re driven into oblivion by a government kowtowing to Russian oligarchs, openly breaking international law and killing your gran for the benefit of Pret A Manger, there are only two things that will survive armageddon; cockroaches and the EFL Trophy.

On Tuesday we took on the “Chelsea” Muppet Babies in our first group game winning 2-1. Dan Agyei cleaned up the first before Derick Osei Yaw stayed cool Trigger and got the second. 

Wednesday 9 September 2020

He talks a racket, he earns a packet, his coat’s like Missy Elliot’s puffa jacket; KRob has signed his new contract. The deal will take him through to 2024; or as it will then be known, the 9th national lockdown. 

Thursday 10 September 2020

When GLS was a young boy, he was sent to the Netherlands to find himself and become a man. After several kilograms of Bubba Kush and a seven foot German in a sailor suit called Dietmar, he returned transformed. A similar fate surely awaits Liverpudlian wunderkind Ben Woodburn, who has been loaned out to Sparta Rotterdam for the season.

Friday 11 September 2020

KRob’s celebrating his new contract with a special treat, signing Sam Winnall who had been released by Sheffield Wednesday. The man they call The Ginger Danny Hylton should be available for the start of the new season. Yes, after wins over Wimbledon and “Chelsea”, it’s time to roll out the big guns and start the season for real with a trip to MApp’s Lincoln City. It’s a big season for a lot of players with Jedward Orphan Mark Sykes unphased by being given the number 10 shirt. ‘It’s got such a rich history’ Sykes may have said ‘I’m going to do everything I can to follow in the footsteps of the greatest Oxford United number 10s like Courtney Pitt, Jamie Guy and Craig Farrell.’ Legends every one of them.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: A level plaguing field

Saturday 7 March 2020

The chisel-faced Ant and Dec, Sam Ricketts and Dean Whitehead were left fuming after Josh Vela was sent off at 2-0 up resulting in a dramatic turnaround and a 3-2 win for Oxford over Shrewsbury. Ricketts was left stoney-faced; which was nothing to do with the decision, it’s just Ricketts’ granite like features.

Sunday 8 March 2020

The Trolls’ Troll, Chris Maguire, claimed in the Sunderland programme on Saturday that Oxford beating Newcastle in 2017 in the FA Cup – a game he was substituted in and made no notable contribution to – was his all- time career highlight.  

Monday 9 March 2020

Sulky sixth former Rob Dickie is looking at his options after he’s finished his A Levels. His parents want him to go to Oxford, but it looks like Southampton, Burnley or Leeds may give him a decent offer

One of the county’s most recognisable footballers has made a come-and-get-me-plea to KRob. Finn Tapp, who played in the hole at Love Island, announced he was leaving Oxford City to pursue a career in vacuous anonymity. What would keep him in the game? Playing for Oxford United of course.

Tuesday 10 March 2020

We love Hide and Seek Tuesday; where Oxford fans who criticise the club for lacking ambition and investment find their best hiding spots while the club announce its latest set of financial results. In them, the club revealed that it lost £4m last year and was £18m in debt

Elsewhere, orphaned Jedward Mark Sykes has been called up by Northern Ireland for their Euro 2020 play-off against Bosnia & Herzegovina. Probably.

Wednesday 11 March 2020

In the wake of a global pandemic the PFA have issued advice to clubs to not share bottles. The CoVid19 is a respiratory virus which is particularly dangerous for the old and infirm. The club have issued an edict to the players to follow government advice, principally to protect Derek Fazackerley.  

Thursday 12 March 2020

Oxford United’s head of coins, Tim Davies, who looks like he’s trying to build the Channel Tunnel with a knife and fork, was on the Nine Minute Three Seconds Fans Forum. He said the main difference between the 2018/19 accounts and the previous year was a £2m difference in player trading. Shocking to find that the value of John Lundstram and Marvin Johnson leaving was not matched by the departures of Dwight Tiendelli and Agon Mehmeti.  

Friday 13 March 2020

Woo hoo! It’s football tomorrow with the visit of MK Dons, we’re so excited a plague of locusts wouldn’t keep us away.

Oh.

George Lawrence’s Summer Shorts: Magnetic feels

Monday 13 May 2019

We open the week with an apology; GLS maintains high standards of professionalism and we forgot to mention the escapades of our benchmark professional Daniel Crowley. If you don’t recall, Crowley was a diminutive attacking midfielder who joined us on loan from Arsenal in 2016 – think Jack Payne in Cuban heels. Crowley’s time was cut short due to Michael Appleton’s dark mutterings about his conduct (following a spell at Barnsley, who made dark mutterings about his conduct). His career has been revitalised Jadon Sancho style by moving to Europe – taking his brand of ill discipline to Willem II in the Eredivisie. A couple of weeks ago, Willem II, which is Dutch for Will.I.Am, lost 4-0 to Ajax in the Dutch Cup Final with Crowley coming off the bench for the last half hour.

In other news, lovable Le Petite Boule de Bowling, Alex MacDonald had play-off heartbreak when Mansfield were knocked out by Newport County on penalties. Armani Little – which also describes the only clothes GLS ever finds at Bicester Village – scored in Woking’s play-off final Conference South win; The Millennial Julian Allsopp, Harvey Bradbury, was a late substitute.

Tuesday 14 May 2019

As they say in Game of Thrones; The North Remembers, unfortunately the south forgets. In the hullabaloo about new contracts and released players last week, the name T’ony McMahon was completely overlooked. The whippet worrying full-back remains on our books despite spending a good chunk of the year on loan at Scunthorpe who he helped steer to a comfortable relegation spot last season. KRob doesn’t expect him to return south next year; he doesn’t want to take a “bad signing and make it into a good signing.”; applying his trademark bewildering logic. Some would argue he spent a decent part of last season achieving the exact opposite. Not us, though, not us.

Wednesday 15 May 2019

Exotic foreign coach Chrïstophé Wïldé has beaten Pep Guardiola and other Johnny Foreigners to become the LMA Manager of the Year. The Brexiteers’ choice is responsible for the Oxford careers of legends Tom Newey and Ben Futcher; the award is recognition for Wïldé’s journey from non-league to the Premier League via the second best footballing team in League 2. He says his success won’t change him, although we understand that he’s already started buying Carte Noir coffee and is shopping for some of the more premium brands in Home Bargains.

There was an assistant manager glare-fest at The Hawthorns on Tuesday as John Terry and Michael Appleton faced each other down in their play-off semi-final. Villa sneaked through on penalties, although everyone agreed West Brom took the better footballing spot kicks.

Thursday 16 May 2019

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger; so we can say with a degree of confidence that nobody killed Robbie Cundy during his time at the Kassam. With his career solidly rooted in a single Oxford United appearance against Dagenham and Redbridge in the JPT in 2015, Cundy dropped out of the Football League in 2017 eventually joining Bath City. As a result of his performances as The Romans’ Jake Wright to their Ryan Clarke, who also happens to be the actual Ryan Clarke, Bristol City have signed him up on a two-year contract.

The curse of the play-off semi-finals continue. After Alex MacDonald on Sunday, MApp on Tuesday, The Roofe was not on fire on Wednesday as Kemar sat in the stands watching Leeds get mauled by Derby in their play-off semi-final second leg. Chris Maguire is up tonight in Sunderland v Portsmouth. Uh oh.

Friday 17 May 2019

Johnny Mullins has retired. Mullins was part of the promotion winning team of 2016 before leaving for Luton Town. He was at Cheltenham Town last season, but has chosen to jack it all in. Mullins was known as as The Magnet because he twice scored from a corner in 127 games. At approximately 5 corners a game, that’s a magnetism of 0.2%. Coincidentally, he also has an excellent, if slightly pricey range of kitchens.

Trolly is on his way to Wembley – Charlie Methven’s Sunderland featuring Chris Maguire drew 0-0 with Portsmouth last night sending the Mackems through to face Charlton.

KRob has spoken. Let’s face it this is not an unusual thing, he seems to have spoken continuously since the end of the season. So much so that it’s possible he’s still standing pitchside at Kenilworth Road speaking to an increasingly weary Nathan Cooper. That’s probably not true, although it’s exactly the kind of thing he’d do, isn’t it? His latest ejaculation focuses on his wish list for next season. Nothing remarkable about the list, although he did mention that he was hoping to bring back Wonderfoot Luke Garbutt and ban-magnet Ahmed Kashi and the sloth in the box, Jerome Sinclair.

Saturday 18 May 2019

It’s the day that the whole nation stops, gathers together around the TV set and watches a great annual institution play out in front of them. As well as Eurovision, it’s also the FA Cup final. It’s Watford’s first appearance since 1984 when they were captained by former Oxford United player and now Youth Team Officer Les Taylor. You can read him banging on about it like your drunk uncle here.

Back in the future, Leeds’ capitulation against Derby as raised question about Kemar Roofe. With a year on his contract, speculation is that he’ll be snapped up by a Premier League club this summer. Wait, who’s the cat in the beret with Yvette Carte-Blanche from Allo Allo on his arm? It’s only remodelled bon vivant Chrïstophé Wïldé. He wouldn’t would he?

Sunday 19 May 2019

Our week closes with the news that conscientious objector Callum O’Dowda has joined us the the Republic of Ireland squad. Nothing unusual about that except he hasn’t played for Bristol City since March due to a mystery injury. Always a highly principled young man, O’Dowda and his medical team have searched for a diagnosis. It appears that it could be suffering from a broken contract resulting from an inflated ego with a number of Championship and Premier League teams interested in his signature. All very treatable if you apply a great pile of money to it.

Midweek Fixture: The 2016 JPT Final team – where are they now?

Before it was infested by Under 23 Premier League teams, the Johnstone’s Paint Trophy was a half decent tournament. At least when you got to the final. The last to maintain its integrity was 2016 where we faced Barnsley in the final. It was a joyous affair, despite the 3-2 defeat. Where are those brave men now?

Benji Büchel

Likeable weak link in an otherwise relentlessly effective team. Shared glove-based responsibilities with Sam Slocombe for most of the season. Replaced by Simon Eastwood once promotion was confirmed. Eventually went to Barnet on loan where he was briefly announced as playing for their ladies team. Now at FC Vaduz, he’s been capped by Lichenstein over 20 times and recently played against Italy.

Jonjoe Kenny

More than capable right-back signed on loan from Everton filling a not inconsiderable hole left by George Baldock. Slotted seamlessly into the team under the tutelage of Alex MacDonald. Headed back to Everton, playing the final game of the 2015/16 season. He was part of the England team which won the Under 20 World Cup in 2017. Has spent most of his time since in and out of their starting eleven at The Toffees.

Johnny Mullins (captain)

Started the season as a first choice centre-back before falling down the pecking order. Captained the side due to Jake Wright not being fully fit. Headed for Luton at the end of the promotion season where he won promotion, before joining Cheltenham.

Chey Dunkley

Cheyenne Amarni Keanu Roma Dunkley cemented a place in Oxford United folklore at Wembley by doing a Cruyff turn in his own box. Also managed to score Barnsley’s first goal. Spent most of the season overcoming Johnny Mullins in the centre of defence. Scored a decisive goal against Wycombe to seal promotion, dominant in our first year in League 1 before signing for Wigan Athletic. Won promotion to The Championship the following season.

Jordan Evans

Signed on loan from Fulham in January 2016, played only nine games before heading back. Started due to an injury to Joe Skarz. A Welsh Under-21 international, his professional career petered out, playing for Wrexham and Bala Town before ending up at Cefn Druids, A man with hidden talents, Evans is a qualified hairdresser and plays in the band Faded Strangers.

Alex MacDonald

Lovable tireless winger signed from Burton at Michael Appleton’s lowest ebb. Boundless enthusiasm for the game dragged us out of the fug and into the 2015/16 season. A regular through the promotion year before being unceremoniously sold to Mansfield Town.

Josh Ruffels

Oxford United survivor originally signed by Chris Wilder from Coventry City. Made the starting eleven due to a lunging John Lundstram tackle which gained a red card and a ban. Players came and went, as did managers, but Ruffels stayed. Mostly played in midfield, but converted to full-back under Karl Robinson, became a specialist in spectacular last minute goals.

Liam Sercombe

Wide shouldered marauding midfielder whose goals from midfield were critical to pretty much everything we did well that season. Scored a decisive goal at Carlisle at the end of the season. The following season in League One he continued his good form until he fell out with Michael Appleton, possibly over his reaction to only being a substitute in the JPT Final against Coventry the following season, where he also scored. Signed for Bristol Rovers in the summer.

Callum O’Dowda

Career-minded local boy flitted in and out of the team throughout the promotion season. Scored the opener in the final to wild celebration. Also scored the last goal of the season against Wycombe before flouncing off to Bristol City in the summer. A Republic of Ireland international.

Kemar Roofe

Ethereal goal machine who initially joined on loan from West Brom. Heralded a new era when he was announced as a permanent signing the following summer, smashed in over 20 goals before joining Leeds United for £4m.

Danny Hylton

Precise, analytical, focussed – everything that Michael Appleton was, Danny Hylton wasn’t. Signed by Gary Waddock weeks before the Darryl Eales revolution took hold. Stuck to the first team like chewing gum on your shoe. Scored the second goal which briefly raised hopes of a revival. At the end of the season, he headed for Luton Town where he won promotion. More recently spent most of his time cheerleading from the sidelines as Luton head for the Championship.

Substitutes:

Sam Slocombe

Initially signed to replace Ryan Clarke, Slocombe’s patchy form saw him chopping and changing with Benji Buchel throughout the season. Missed out on Wembley, but played in our 3-2 giant killing over Swansea. The signing of Simon Eastwood pushed him out the door to Blackpool. Lasted a year before going to Bristol Rovers. Loaned to Lincoln in 2019.

Jake Wright

A leader of men who was signed by Chris Wilder in 2010. Won promotion to the Football League at the end of that year. Injury meant he missed out on being the first Oxford United player to play at Wembley twice. Led the team to promotion, but re-joined Chris Wilder at Sheffield United in a defensive re-shuffle when Curtis Nelson arrived. Won promotion with the Blades where he still is, albeit now sidelined by injury.

Sam Long

A player who seemed to be so frequently injured, successive managers didn’t have the heart to release him. Survived Michael Appleton, Pep Clotet and became a regular in Karl Robinson’s starting eleven.

Josh Ashby

Once heralded as the future of the football club; Ashby achieved just seven appearances before being released. Signed for Oxford City.

George Waring (replaced Callum O’Dowda)

A proper unit signed on loan from Stoke City, flitted in and out of the team scoring once. Following a series of loan moves he headed for Tranmere before joining Chester in 2019.

Chris Maguire (replaced Alex MacDonald)

Enigmatic magician signed on loan from Rotherham. Sulked from one club to another, disgusted by the mediocrity around him. At Oxford, however, he bloomed and signed permanently in 2016. Scored twice in a derby win over Swindon and generally oozed genius. Appleton’s departure scuppered chances of a renewed contract where he made a disasterous move to Bury. Following their relegation he was signed by Sunderland where he initially regained form. Slipped out of the reckoning as the season progressed.

Jordan Bowery (replaced Danny Hylton)

One of numerous target men that Michael Appleton signed. Unlike most of the others, he weighed in with seven goals during his time with the club including a critical winner at Portsmouth. Dropped to the Conference with Leyton Orient where he failed to find any form. Signed on loan with Crewe before being made permanent, scoring twenty goals for the club.

Games of Note: Peterborough

4 May 1996 – 4-0 Home

The last game of the 1995/96 season, the week before we’d snuck into the automatic promotion places after a scintillating late season run. One more game, three more points, and then Denis Smith can wear a ginger wig and claim to be a future England manager.

25 March 2006 – 1-0 Home

After years of being trapped in a loveless relationship with Firoz Kassam, suddenly we were free. Our saviours? Nick Merry and Jim Smith. Their first game, a 1-0 win over Peterborough came with a goal from T’Cham N’Toya. It started beautifully, it just didn’t end so well.

20 August 2016 – 2-1 Home

Back in League 1 but no wins, we could really do with three points and a dose of last minute shithousery. Ah, Mr Maguire, so nice to see you.

30 September 2017 – 4-1 Away

Three defeats on the trot conceding eight goals in the process, what we really need to do is to go to promotion threatening Peterborough. A goal down at half-time, where do we go from here?

20 April 1993 – 2-1 Home

The eighth anniversary of our Milk Cup win, when shorts were short and Chris Allen had no control over his legs. Proper football.