George Lawrence’s Shorts: Take me dancing naked in McGuane

Sunday 9 August 2020

It’s like the opening sequence to Dad’s Army; a well trodden path from Merseyside via The Kassam to the Bundesliga in Germany. Following in the footsteps of Jonjoe Kenny’s loan to Schalke last year, Wunderkind Ben Woodburn is reportedly interested in a loan move to Fortuna Dusseldorf.

Monday 10 August 2020

When the club suggested to Derek Fazackerley that he might want to consider moving upstairs, he was half expecting to be handed a pile of Dignitas brochures. Thankfully, Faz is quitting his coaching role and taking his Stannah Stairlift to an advisory position within the club.

Meanwhile, leading Oxford academic Mickey Lewis is heading up a new sports course called Velocity at Oxford City. “Velocity is a fantastic new provision of football and education programmes” said the suspiciously erudite Mad Dog “There are so many ways to develop a fulfilling career in sport and the Velocity courses will provide an excellent grounding in a professional sports environment.”

Which leads us to ask; will the person who has stolen Mickey Lewis please bring him back.

Tuesday 11 August 2020

KRob is rumoured to be interested in Ipswich Town winger Gwion Edwards. Gwion? GWION? Will the nightmare for people who can’t spell Ruffels never end?

In more chilling news, it’s been reported that David Moyes has been casting ‘admiring glances’ at John Lundstram who is also on Sean Dyche’s watch list at Burnley. It reminds GLS of the time he couldn’t pay for his rent or his papers and ended up in a ménage à trois of convenience with Doreen his landlady and Brenda from the newsagents.

Wednesday 12 August 2020

George Thorne, or as GLS calls him, ‘Anthony Forde’ has left the club. Thorne was said he was sad to leave the club after a period peppered with injuries. He then tripped on the curb and sprained his ankle.

Elsewhere, Craig Short has been recruited as Head of Cone Distribution and Looking Pensive With Your Arms Crossed. Short is the brother of the club’s Head of Star Jumps, Chris. Ominous news for Oxford’s full-back Sam Long. We don’t know the long and the short of it, but we hope they’ll find a happy medium.  

It looks like Burton Albion are going to give the EFL Trophy a serious go this season after they announced Kane Hemmings as their new signing.

Thursday 13 August 2020

It’s the summer of 2016 alumni musical chairs as Sheffield Wednesday have decided there ain’t nobody, like Chey Dunkley who signed on a two-year contract. Elsewhere, Marvin Johnson has signed a year’s contract at Middlesborough; because someone has to keep the drinks bottles in order on the subs bench.

Friday 14 August 2020

Big boned Gillingham boss Steve Evans wants a beach-ready body this summer and has been casting admiring glances at Mr Big Guns MApp. Rather than enter into a regime of healthy eating and exercise, he’s looking for a short cut. Like chowing down on over-priced Herbalife products promoted by a Conference footballer, he thinks he’s found a quick solution is to sign all MApp’s previous players. Following the recruitment of Jordan Graham, on Friday he announced the signing of Alex MacDonald. The sleeve tattoo is booked in for Tuesday.

Elsewhere, GLS’ dutch cousin Brian Wilsterman’s Shorts has been translating a Feyenoord Dutch language website after a story about Liam Kelly appeared on it. Apparently Feyenoord have already agreed to ‘rent’ Kelly to the club next season. So it sounds like Kelly is our rent boy.

Saturday 15 August 2020

While on their pre-season holibobs Oxford announced the loan signing of Nottingham Forest midfielder Marcus McGuane. McGuane arrived at Forest from Barcelona where he became the first Englishman to play for the Catalans since Gary Lineker. McGuane will become only the second former-Barcelona player to play for Oxford since Xemi Fernández. Both Linekar and Xemi then followed successful TV careers – Linekar presenting the Champions League on TV, Xemi being caught on camera watching Liverpool v Barcelona without permission in 2019.

George Lawrences Shorts: Ooh, my Dickie ticker

Saturday 7 December 2019

There was a lot of camaraderie on the touchline on Saturday as both managers agreed their team was best after the 0-0 draw with Shrewsbury. With injuries to Anthony Forde and James Henry, Oxford ended the game with so many casualties, Boris Johnson promised to build 426 new hospitals on the moon to treat them all, and people believed him too. 

Sunday 8 December 2019

Angle faced Shrewsbury manager Sam Ricketts felt his team were well worth their point; “You could hear the home supporters getting frustrated.” he said. This is a familiar sound to the former Oxford player who heard it every time he appeared at the Kassam.

Monday 9 December 2019

Bad news from Saturday after it was revealed that Anthony Forde popped his lung resulting from his broken ribs. It’s possible that James Henry’s injury is not as bad as first thought; so we can all breathe more easily about that. Unless you’re Anthony Forde, of course.

Tuesday 10 December 2019

Sad news as it was announced that dome bonced managerial genius Jim Smith had died. Smith was responsible for unprecedented success at the club, signing legends like John Aldridge, Billy Hamilton, Trevor Hebberd and Gary Twigg. He was also the man responsible for George Lawrence pulling on a pair of unnecessarily tight shorts for the club. We love you Jim.  

The Milton Keynes Jim Smith, KRob, is still sorely missed at MK Dons. In six years he guided them to The Championship, developed players like George Baldock and Deli Ali and literally didn’t steal another club’s place in the league.

Wednesday 11 December 2019

Potty mouthed KRob has been charged by the FA. He’ll contest the accusation because he thinks it’s a fucking pile of cunting bollocks.

Thursday 12 December 2019

Pocket racist Sam Deering has been talking to something called the World Football Index about his ‘career’. The best player he’s played with is Ricky Holmes who is currently plying his trade in the (physio’s treatment room of the) Premier League. Sadly there was no tribute to any ‘Paki nurses’ who looked after him when he was injured.

There is no obstacle we can’t overcome after it was revealed that in FIFA 20 not only do Oxford United need to beat Championship Millwall in the virtual world, they have to do it with a zombified version of Leeds United striker Patrick Bamford standing in the centre-circle.

He’s a cryin’ talking’ sleepin’ walkin’ livin’ haystack; Boris Johnson has swept to victory in the General Election. We can reveal the secret to his baffling success – his campaign bus of lies was the Oxford United’s first team’s coach. It’s got that winning vibe.

Friday 13 December 2019

It’s the Crazy Gang on Saturday as we head for footballing pariahs MK Dons for the start of the 12 Days of Footballmas. Bookie monster Alex Gorrin is back and James Henry might make the bench, so while the our midfield woes could be clearing up, our defensive troubles may be just around the corner; Derby County are apparently interested in sulky sixth former Rob Dickie. Oh good.

George Lawrence’s Shorts: Karlma chameleon

Monday 29 July 2019

Like a religious leader in an inner-city riot, KRob has appealed for calm as the season opener against Sunderland approaches. “It’s a little bit dark right now.” said the man appealing for calm. “We know we need a striker, I don’t need people telling me that. We know we need a centre back and two wingers.” he added rubbing a soothing balm into our collective temples, “People will be shouting when they read this, saying ‘the season starts on Saturday’. We know, we’re not stupid.”

Just like a scented candle flickering by a bubble bath.

Tuesday 30 July 2019

*ching*

We live in an oasis of calm. Ah man, the news that Gavin Whyte has signed for Cardiff is, like, whatever man. The fee described as ‘north of £2m’ is, we assume, one of Jacob Rees-Mogg’s old-fangled imperial measures. Some say Whyte will be out of his depth, but we have video evidence that he can hold his own. 

Just as the sweat dried on Whyte’s number ten shirt, Ben Woodburn signed on a season long loan from Liverpool. The Welsh wunderkind has lost his way a bit at Anfield and so a year at Oxford will act as a form of immersion therapy to propel him out of his stupor. 

Elsewhere, there could be a new opportunity for the Us to go steaming into the Kassam on a matchday if plans to build a station near the stadium go ahead. It’ll be situated on the Science Park, who will no doubt lobby for it to close on a Saturday.

Wednesday 31 July 2019

KRob donned his headphones and hopped in a helicopter as he turned all Anneka Rice attempting to solve a world of riddles and problems in the space of an hour. The boilersuited beauty managed to end the day signing Anthony Forde, formerly of Rotherham, Rob Dickie on a longer term contract before picking up a new contract for himself

Across town The Britannia Inn in Oxford will soon have a blue plaque on the wall recognising it as the site of Oxford United’s founding 125 years ago. The plaque will act as a timely reminder that nothing good ever comes from a pub dream.

Thursday 1 August 2019

Good god, is there nothing KRob won’t ruin? The sludge pit of naysaying has dried up leaving the doomgoblins picking crust from between their toes. Following yesterday’s sickening cavalcade of good news, he’s now signed the millennial Jon Ashton; Elliot Moore from Leicester City. We are rapidly approaching that point where there is literally nothing to complain about.

But what news of Oxford United’s greatest ever Leichensteiner? We hear you ask. Benji Buchel kept a clean sheet as FC Vaduz turned around a 1-0 deficit to beat Hungarian’s Vidi 2-1 in the second leg of their Europa League tie. We have no idea what that means, but we’re pretty sure it’s good. They play Eintracht Frankfurt in the next round.

Friday 2 August 2019

KRob is strutting about like a management accountant whose wife has allowed him a rare foray into the martial bed for a fumble under her nightie. Having scored a couple of times this week, he wants more, two more strikers, in fact. We think we’ve got one of our headaches coming on.

Kemar Roofe has had his chips at Leeds, it seems, and plans to dip them in mayonnaise by signing for those unelected Brussels bureaucrats Anderlecht.

And with that, the summer is done; this is it; the Mark Angel derby awaits, football is back to ruin everything.