Saturday 30 January 2021

History was made on Saturday as Oxford won their seventh League game in a row in a 1-0 win over Fleetwood Town at the Kassam. The goal from Josh Ruffels was enough to secure the club’s first ever win against The Cod Army, leaving them rotting in a warehouse drowning under a mountain of post-Brexit paperwork. 

Sunday 31 January 2021

Ah, the buzz of your team signing a Danish left-back for £48 million while you eat an out-of-date yoghurt from your food bank parcel. Yes, nothing reads the room as badly as the January transfer window. Away from the cashjaculating Premier League, KRob has turned down an offer from Millwall for Cameron Brannagain while Jonjoe Kenny is heading for Celtic on loan from Everton where he brings a wealth of experience of playing second fiddle to your deadly rivals.

Monday 1 February 2021

It was like Stars In Their Eyes on Monday as KRob unveiled a slew of new signings; if you squint through the dry-ice, each one looks strangely familiar. First, there was Joe Grayson from Blackburn, Simon Grayson’s son, then Elliot Lee from Luton who’s Rob Lee’s son, then Brandon Barker from Rangers whose mum is probably Linda Barker from Changing Rooms.

Tuesday 2 February 2021

Oxford secured a semi-final spot in the Papa John’s Pizza Trophy on Tuesday; a run which can only be made more middle class if we draw a Volvo playing Brothers’ In Arms by Dire Straits in the next round. After wins over vegan sandal wearers, Forest Green Rovers and then mortar board nonces Cambridge United, the 3-1 win over leafy Womble fumblers Wimbledon – a record ninth in a row in all competitions – saw us take one step closer to Wembley. 

Wednesday 3 February 2021

Turns out Brandon Barker’s move to Oxford was helped by a glowing recommendation from Kemar Roofe. Barker was impressed by Roofe’s stories of exciting football, great people and loyal fans. Above all, he can’t wait to meet the crazed bearded lunatic in mismatched flip flops who turns up at the training ground every day. Sadly, nobody told Roofe that Danny Hylton isn’t at the club anymore.

Thursday 4 February 2021

Jordan Obita’s been talking about his move to Wycombe Wanderers after leaving Oxford. He’s thrilled to be back (briefly) playing in the Championship. With games against teams in the lower half of the table coming up, Obita’s confident the Chairboys can finish within 30 points of safety by the end of the season. 

Meanwhile, PClot is back in stultifyingly earnest over-analysed football! The Spaniard is set to calmly siphon the last droplets of joy out of Brescia, where he’s set to become assistant manager. Malmo’s septuagenarian full-back community haven’t been this excited about the phone ringing since Dr Lindström started organising CoVid vaccine appointments at the clinic.

Friday 5 February 2021

The draw for the Papa John’s Pizza Trophy semi-final was made live on Bang Babes TV on Friday, I mean where they pull those balls from, it makes your eyes water. We’ve drawn Tranmere Rovers at home opening up the real prospect of another trip to Wembley for the final. Many fans will boycott the game they can’t go to in order to spend hours shouting at a blank wall about the injustices of professional football in this country. ‘EVERYTHING SHOULD GO BACK TO THE INJUSTICES OF PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL THIRTY YEARS AGO’, they say. They’re still angry at the involvement of Premier League Muppet baby teams, who have been introduced to the tournament to give kids real experience of crippling disappointment in ghost-like empty stadiums before their release to clubs in the Conference North.