Saturday 23 January 2021
Matty Taylor, the bearded Greta Thurnberg, (he hates The Gas, you see), notched a brace in a 2-0 win over Bristol Rovers on Saturday. Ever respectful Taylor declined to celebrate in front of the Bristol Rovers fans that once adored him, mainly because none were there.
Sunday 24 January 2021
Dapper Dan Peaky Blinder Bristol Rovers manager, Paul Tisdale, got his braces in a twist after his team’s defeat on Saturday. “You’ve got to dig in, you’ve got to play tough and get in at half time at 0-0, do some basics correct.” he said polishing his self-consciously distressed hobnail boots, or ‘some of the basics correctly’ if you’re going to really do some basics correct.
Monday 25 January 2021
With the exception of actual footballers signing real contracts, KRob’s determined that nothing should stop him strengthening his revitalised squad. “That’s the message: put the foot down.” he said after losing Joel Cooper and Daryl Clare and cutting the number of targets from four to two making the objective for this window a net gain of zero players.
Tuesday 26 January 2021
It was a goalvalanche on Tuesday against Rochdale, whose defence is about as effective as a government care home strategy in a raging pandemic. It was a ding dong battle from start to finishing; Dan Agyei dinged, then they donged, then they donged again, then Elliott Moore dinged back and James Henry DIIIINNNNGGGGEEEDDD only for them to dong back immediately, then deep into injury time Mide Shodipo dinged the fluff out of it from 45 yards for the winner. Dang!
Beforehand, KRob popped up on transvestite stand-up comedian Eddie Izzard’s live streaming YouTube channel where he’s running 31 marathons in 31 days on a treadmill for charity, which is not exactly the kind of thing that happened in Billy Whitehurst’s day, is it?
Wednesday 27 January 2021
It was revealed that Oxford are in a race with MK Dons and Plymouth to sign Fleetwood Town’s Harrison Biggins – who really should be flying Spitfires in 1942 with a name like that. For the perpetually traumatised, Biggins is the son of former Oxford United goal vacuum Wayne.
Thursday 28 January 2021
KRob stepped up for the Seven Minute Thirty-Three Second Fans’ Forum with Jerome Sale who was neither on a treadmill nor wearing a dress, as far as we understand. KRob took the opportunity to reflect on his time as manager, having transformed the club, he’s preparing to slap on the fake tan, undermine democracy and MOGA – Make Oxford Great Again
Friday 29 January 2021
KRob is getting rid of his summer signings faster than a teenager gets rid of his porn collection when his mum threatens to clean his room. Following the departure of Sean Clare and Joel Cooper, now Jordan Obita’s signed for Wycombe Wanderers. Shortly beforehand, the club announced the obligatory League of Ireland signing of Luke McNally. We wouldn’t suggest that our centre-backs lack experience but the three of them combined have played fewer career games than John Mousinho played for Stevenage ten years ago.